


Homeward Bound

by daisychainn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Compliant, Flashbacks, M/M, Niall Horan is a Little Shit, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reunions, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Therapy, harry is in therapy having flashbacks about louis, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 101,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisychainn/pseuds/daisychainn
Summary: Harry starts therapy to finally work through his issues. Niall has a plan. Liam is ecstatic. Zayn is apprehensive. Louis is quiet.or... Niall tries to drag One Direction back together for their tenth anniversary. Liam is ecstatic. Zayn is apprehensive. Louis is quiet. Harry is having a breakdown.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 113
Kudos: 234





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thank you for reading this fic :)
> 
> I'll try to update as often as I can...
> 
> Please note: I’ve tried to keep this as accurate to real events/timelines but for the purpose of the story I may exclude things etc.
> 
> Also, this is meant to be “littered” with flashbacks of key moments in H/L relationship - not give a full picture of what happened. Flashbacks are always in italics.
> 
> Obvious disclaimer: I do not own any of the people in this story, it is a work of fiction. 
> 
> Enjoy, please leave kudos and comments!

_June 4th, 2020 – London, England_

England is in the throes of one of the hottest periods on record, temperatures skirting around the 30oC mark consistently over the last few weeks. The air in London was thick and balmy, like soup Harry mused almost every time he had to leave the confines of his air-conditioned home. Gemma had snickered when he’d admitted to having it installed, teasing him about how ‘LA’ he was now _‘can’t even suffer through the heat like a regular Brit now’._

Stood in his kitchen, clothed comfortably in jeans and a loose-fitting cotton jumper, Harry couldn’t help but feel a little smug as he looked out across his garden, making a mental note to water his plants that evening.

A quick glance at the clock revealed he really needed to leave if he was to make his appointment on time, hopefully the London traffic would be kind today. Grabbing his car keys and double checking his phone was definitely in his pocket, Harry made his way downstairs to the garage to start the short drive across the city; anxious with what was to come.

 _Therapy_. It was never something Harry had ever envisaged doing, nor did he ever want to, however the persistent nagging from his mum and Gemma, then their subsequent teary intervention had forced his hand. As he’d chosen not to do a world tour for the second album, just a few select shows in cities he liked playing in, this was the prime time for him to actually sit down and give it a go without any distractions. In reality, it was a long time coming although Harry wouldn’t admit this aloud, he’d long struggled with bouts of depression and his inability to commit had become particularly apparent in the last couple of years. Emotional scarring he’d tried to rationalise with himself.

This was his fifth session with Dr Anderson and so far, they had only talked about his childhood. Going through anything and everything Harry could remember from birth up until the point he had auditioned for the X-Factor. Every week Harry wondered whether he’d finally have to start delving into his more recent history and every week Dr Anderson had asked him another nonsensical question about his childhood. This week though Harry was almost certain it was coming, his youth had been laid bare and discussed in depth there was nothing more to say on the matter.

Soon enough he was at the doctor’s front door, politely waiting for her to answer. She’d been kind enough to allow Harry to have his sessions here rather than her office, it attracts less attention this way she’d explained. Harry was grateful for not only the added layer of privacy but also that he didn’t have to sit in a stuffy office, he liked the comforting setting of Dr Anderson’s home. Although a woman in her late 50s, Harry could see many similarities between their tastes in home décor, a fact he’d brought up in his last session.

“Harry” the door swung open revealing the doctor smiling warmly. “Come in, come in. It’s far too hot out there!” 

As usual, they made small talk for a few minutes whilst she fixed Harry a glass of water and he tried to get comfy in his usual armchair, eyes floating around to see if he could spy Rollo the cat – she tended to make sessions a little easier.

“So, Harry. We’ve discussed your childhood at length, and I think you’re already making some great progress in learning to process some of the experiences you went through. But of course, that’s not the real reason you’re here is it?” The question was rhetorical, Harry only offering a solemn look before she continued. “I think we’re ready to start talking about your next chapter. X-Factor, fame, success, friendships, relationships.”

The word relationships stuck in the air as Harry tried not to grimace. “Yeah, I- Where should I start?” he always sounded so unsure in these sessions, a far cry from his loud and jovial performances.

“Tell me about Niall. Start with how you met him” Harry almost laughed. He had been anticipating this moment for weeks and this seemed like a far cry from what he’d imagined, although he was grateful, this allowed him to dip his toe into the subject before being pushed into the deep end.

“Niall, right yeah”

And so, he launched into the story of him and Niall. It wasn’t a very interesting one in all honesty, the first time they had spoken was at bootcamp, on the steps of Wembley, right before they were about to be put into a group. Harry was mid hissy-fit, complaining about how they just wanted to get more footage of them crying for the cameras. Niall had just stopped crying, face still red and blotchy when he gave each of them a pat on the shoulder and murmured ‘ _At least we’re in it together yeah lads?’_. It was funny looking back how many times Niall had said those words since that day and Harry wondered if he even remembered saying it almost a decade ago. Harry did, it comforted him knowing that even if the producers were going to make him look pathetic on TV at least the other four would go down with him.

From day one Niall was easy to get on with and Harry found that although their personalities differed quite vastly, he could count on the Irishman for quite literally anything. When they went to the bungalow to get to know each other, Niall made himself at home instantly which Harry’s mum still laughed about to this day. Niall was easy and carefree, and he never had any drama, to him, everything was black and white; a quality Harry wished he could adopt. Of course, he occasionally got angry or upset like any person, but he’d usually just lock himself away for a while before reappearing like nothing had ever happened.

Harry continued to recount a few anecdotes involving Niall from over the years, trying to keep them tame as he remembered who he was talking too. The positive tone didn’t last too long as Dr Anderson asked when the last time Harry had actually seen or spoken to Niall was. In truth it had been a couple of months, or three. They were both busy with work and life in general he had explained, Dr Anderson just shooting him a knowing look before moving on.

“Ok good, now Liam. Let’s talk about Liam” one down three to go Harry thought, once more taking his mind back to meeting Liam for the first time.

Much like with Niall, Harry had met Liam mere moments away from the news they were being put in a band together however unlike Niall, friendship didn’t come easy. Harry instantly found that Liam was rather uptight, willing to do anything to ensure he succeeded. Of course, they all shared this attitude however they also knew it was essential for them to bond as friends before they tackled this crazy unknown.

During the first week at the bungalow, Liam had always been on the side-lines pestering the other four into picking songs and a band name and making a million other decisions. One night around a fire they eventually told Liam he had to lighten up if this was going to work. They were young and all knew this was a huge opportunity however they all wanted to enjoy it while it lasted, not be constantly stressing over the minute details.

It didn’t happen overnight but eventually Liam started to loosen up, there was no longer 12 arguments a day because someone had slept in or someone had played a prank. Harry wouldn’t change it though, as annoying as he could be, without Liam they wouldn’t have made it this far. He was the glue that helped them stick together, keeping them on track and grounded even when things got intense.

Without even needing a prompt, Harry launched into talking about Zayn, hyper aware there was only one person left afterwards.

Harry and Zayn had always got on well which often surprised people to find out, they weren’t exactly similar in nature however that didn’t matter. Zayn acted the most brotherly to Harry, always looking out for him no matter the situation and no matter at what cost. He could list countless times Zayn took the fall with management covering for Harry in an attempt to shield him away from any extra pressure.

It was Zayn he had first admitted to that he liked both boys and girls. It was during their second week at the bungalow, the pair had gotten into a discussion about sexuality in pop-culture when Harry had blurted out, I’m bi during a short break in conversation. Zayn had nodded calmly before reassuring Harry that it was more than fine. There had been questions; Have you told the others? Do your family know? You gonna tell the show? When did you know? But Harry never felt like Zayn was pushing or prying, just genuinely interested in his story.

“And he left the band, right? What was that like” Dr Anderson voice broke Harry out of a trance he hadn’t even realised he was in.

“Yeah he left which obviously was really tough. I was just really angry that he just kind of up and left without really speaking to us, he told us he was stressed and needed time but we obviously didn’t think it was anything that serious” Harry remembers the band meeting they’d had in a hotel somewhere in Thailand, four of them literally begging Zayn down the phone just to give it a few more months, just to reconsider and come back. Harry had later called him alone and cried, asking how they were meant to do it without him. Zayn had cried back a little, apologising for how this had played out, but his decision was final and that was that.

“At first we tried to keep it amicable and keep in touch, but he made it so hard we eventually stopped trying I guess.” A little hum of acknowledgement came from Dr Anderson which Harry took to mean he should continue.

“Then he- when Jay passed, he didn’t come to support Louis which I think really shocked and hurt us all if I’m honest, they were so close it was shocking he could be so heartless” Harry tried to ignore how foreign Louis’ name sounded coming from his mouth these days. “It’s gotten better since then, but I just don’t think it will ever be the same” with a shrug he was done, unsure where else he could take this particular part of the session.

“Ah yes Louis” the doctor consulted her notes and for the first time in five weeks Harry wished he knew what she had written. “What was it like meeting Louis?”

With a shaky nod and a deep breath, Harry began, suddenly reliving the moment as if it had just happened.

_When Harry first seen Louis, he was backstage and cracking jokes to another contestant. Harry had felt a little jealous that everyone seemed to be mingling a little better than him, he contemplated going over and introducing himself before quickly shooting the idea down._

_Instead Harry had sulked off to the toilets, texting his mum and sister about how nervous he felt and how big the arena was. They sent him reassurances, asking him to keep them updated on how things were going. Instead of going straight for a piss, he checked his hair in the mirror, more out of habit than vanity. In a complete world of his own, he didn’t see the other person behind him as he swung around towards the urinal. He staggered back a pace or two, managing just about to keep himself upright._

_“Oops” Harry couldn’t help the small exclamation leave his mouth, looking over to the person he’d barged and recognised it as the boy he’d seen earlier._

_“Hi!” he seemed unfazed by the body crashing situation; smile plastered across his face. “I’m Louis”_

_“Harry” they shook hands, Harry really hoped his weren’t clammy._

_“Harold, nice. You pissing or leaving?” this made Harry laugh, not used to people being quite so straight forward._

_“Uh, pissing I guess” he pointed towards the urinal dumbly._

_“Cool, same”_

_They stood at the urinal together, relieving themselves for a few moments and Harry couldn’t help but notice that it weirdly enough wasn’t awkward. They then washed their hands in silence, Harry got the impression Louis wouldn’t have bothered washing his hands so thoroughly, or at all, if it hadn’t been for him being there. When they exited the bathroom, Harry gave Louis an awkward smile not really sure of the protocol for saying goodbye to someone you had a bathroom encounter with. Of course, Louis didn’t leave him deliberating for long before making a decision for him._

_“What shall we do now then?”_

_“We?”_

_“Well yeah? Unless you’ve got something better to do?”_

_“No no” Harry blushed at how quickly the words fell from his mouth_

_“Nothing better to do”_

_“Perfect”_

Back in Dr Anderson’s office, Harry was gripping the chairs arm rests so tightly his knuckles had started to go white.

“We just sat for hours chatting and laughing, getting to know one another and talking about our families and stuff” Harry shrugged and finally released his grip on the chair, wondering lamely if he was being judged. “It was always easy, even then we could talk for hours and hours about nothing”

“It must have been nice to easily click like that” the doctor stated, Harry nodding sombrely.

“Yeah it was. I- I’d never really met anyone like that before, he made me laugh and he was also really smart too. I felt so relieved when his name was called too, to be put in the group I mean.” he hesitated before continuing.

“It just felt like the universe had put us together earlier that day, like, I took it as a sign everything would work out and we were meant to be friends or whatever” unable to stop, he laughed at his own naivety.

“You don’t believe that anymore?”

“How could I? It hardly ended well” Dr Anderson looked as if she wanted to push more but she held back, announcing that their hour had passed once again. Relief washed over Harry as he quickly said his thank you and a polite see you next week, scrambling to get back to the safety of his car.


	2. Chapter Two

_June 11 th, 2020 – London, England_

Harry spent the next week trying desperately not to think about therapy or feelings or the past.

On Saturday he took a trip up to Cheshire to spend some time with his mum, pottering around the garden and helping with odd jobs served as a welcome distraction. That evening they’d got wine drunk out on the patio, reminiscing on days gone by and giggling like schoolgirls. Anne had gotten a little teary towards the end of the night, gripping her sons’ hand tightly and gushing about how proud she was; Harry had heard this speech no less than a hundred times over the years and every time he couldn’t help but get a little emotional too.

It was only on the Monday morning, as he was packing his car to return to London, that she mentioned his therapy. With knowing eyes and a gentle hug, she promised it would get easier, that he was doing right by himself. Harry had understood why they had pushed for him to start the sessions, Louis situation aside there was a lot of things he hadn’t really processed properly. _It’s time Harry_ they’d insisted _you can’t keep living like this._ To everyone else Harry was on top of the world, the height of fame with two successful solo albums and an expressive personality. To them he was a brother, a son; trying to process heartbreak from a relationship that never was, trying to understand how life was so cruel.

Then in the blink of an eye it was Thursday again, and Harry found himself sat opposite Dr Anderson, or Sally as she now insisted. This week there was a fan situated between the chairs which provided a welcome breeze in the balmy room, Rollo the cat seemed to agree as she got comfy atop Harry’s lap.

“So how have you been Harry?”

“Ok I guess, I went home to see my mum though which was nice, kept me distracted for a few days” he shrugged, watching as she nodded slowly.

“I want you to talk more about Louis today if that’s ok?” Sally paused and looked intently at Harry, he wondered what she already knew. “When we initially spoke about why you wanted to start these sessions, you mentioned your relationship with Louis as being one of the reasons. Could you tell me more about that? Don’t rush, let’s just see how far we get today yeah” watching carefully as Harry nodded back.

“So, like, last week I told you about meeting him and how just easy it was for us to get on” the words stuttered out of his mouth as he mentally pleaded with himself to get it together. “I can’t really explain what it was to be honest, uh, I was just drawn to him, I guess? It wasn’t in a romantic way or anything at first but it also wasn’t the same as the other boys either” Harry didn’t even have time to worry if any of that made sense before the stories came flooding out of his mouth, unable to hold back now the floodgates had opened.

Things started at the bungalow, they used to stay up after the other boys went to bed and squash together on the too-small sofa to talk and half-heartedly watch movies. They spoke of hopes, dreams and fears, confiding in each other things they had never vocalised before. It was during one of these chats that Harry admitted to being bi, he’d whispered it quietly and prayed nothing would change. Louis had chuckled and tutted ‘ _greedy Harry’_ before proceeding to tickle him endlessly until Harry was on the edge of wetting himself.

At judges’ houses, when they’d some-what recovered from the news they were through to the final, Louis had insisted they needed to celebrate with alcohol and so the five of them got tipsy in their room. Harry was tucked up against Louis the entire night as they all joked how rich and famous, they were going to be, completely unaware of how much was about to change. He’d fallen asleep first to the sounds of his new friends laughing and Louis patting his head softly, a tipsy smile lingering on his lips.

Moving in together full time at the X-Factor had been an adjustment, five fully grown teenage boys sharing one rather cramped room was quite the boiling pot of emotions. Liam and Louis in particular had at least two arguments per day which left the others trying to diffuse situations quickly before things escalated too far. It was around week four when they all were tired and exasperated that things eventually went too far and they all ended up going to bed irritated and upset, wondering if they were ever going to get past this. Harry had been on the verge of sleep when Louis had silently crawled into the top bunk alongside him, tucking into the covers to face Harry, his eyes puffy from crying. ‘ _I’m sorry I’m such a shit’_ he whispered, _‘I’m going to try and be better’_ and then _‘love you Haz’._ Harry had wanted to scold him for causing so much trouble but instead he could only manage a _‘love you too Lou’_ before they both drifted off to sleep.

Looking back, Harry is pretty sure this was when his platonic friend feelings started to melt away and he started to think of Louis as more. It was all the little touches and moments they shared together, days spent flirting with each other in interviews, nights Louis would clamber up into Harry’s bunk because he didn’t feel like sleeping alone. Harry knew Louis wasn’t gay, hell he was still with Hannah at this point, but he lapped it up all the same, unable to step back and realise maybe this wasn’t just normal friend behaviour.

The other boys watched closely, unsure what to make of their bandmates’ clear overstepping of boundaries. Zayn had of course tried to warn Harry, to stop things going to the point of no return but Harry was young, and Louis was Louis, and his cautionary words went in one ear and out of the other. They got used to it eventually, joining in on the ‘ _Larry’_ banter during interviews and teasing them relentlessly about their unusual attachment.

“How long did it carry on like this? How long before things escalated?” Dr Anderson, _Sally,_ asked.

“It was months” he hesitated for a moment. “We didn’t kiss for months”

_It was the final night of the X-Factor tour and they were in Cardiff. They’d stumbled to their hotel room, tipsy and giggling that this was their lives now. Their single beds had been pushed together on the first night in Cardiff to make, in Louis’ words, a ‘mega-bed’ and Harry definitely wasn’t complaining. It was somewhere around 3am and Harry was exhausted, just about managing to get out of his clothes before collapsing on the bed with his arms and legs sprawled across the crumpled duvet. Half expecting a dig or a demand that he slides over, Harry was surprised when he felt the bed dip and his eyes opened to Louis smiling down above him._

_Never breaking eye-contact, Louis had leaned down to peck their lips together, his smile now replaced with a look of anxiety. They stayed like that for a few seconds, Harry trying to remember he needed to breathe, his heart racing as he looked into the eyes of his best friend. Then, Louis’ eyes had fluttered closed and Harry thought he was about to apologise, instead their lips met once more. It was firmer this time, passionate, and Harry never wanted it to end._

_Eventually when the embrace did end, Harry had been scared to open his eyes, scared that Louis would laugh it all off as a joke and poke fun, but it never came. In its place a small ‘Haz’ slipped from his lips, barely audible in the air between them, and Harry had wondered how three letters could hold so much emotion._

_"[=_

“It was like time just stopped” Harry tries his best to explain, voice hoarse as he tries to think clearly. “I couldn’t move or think about anything except him “

“Then what happened?” the older woman looked at Harry, emotion void from her face.

“We never spoke about it; I think speaking about it would have made it too real for him” Harry supposed, with the aid of hindsight. “But then it became like normal, I guess? Just small kisses here and there when we were alone around the flat, before bed and stuff. I thoug- I think I tried to rationalise it in my head as like ‘oh it’s Louis this is just what he does with his close friends’, but I knew that wasn’t really true. I let it happen because I loved him, and I thought that eventually the penny would drop for him too”

“You were waiting for him to realise you loved him or hoping he’d realise he loved you back?”

“Both I suppose” he shrugged. “I thought eventually he’d realise that normal friends didn’t just kiss each other like that and that what we had was different… special. Obviously, it didn’t work out like that.”

“You didn’t feel like you could just be honest with him, why is that?” the doctor kept her tone kind but firm.

“Well he- I did eventually, I just thought it would be better to figure it out for himself. We stayed like this for months, we’d sneak kisses in between recording and promotion for the first album, I have no idea how we were never caught on camera or anything” Harry couldn’t help a small smile appearing, remembering all the ridiculous situations they had been in on the brink of being found and how much they giggled when they managed to get away with it again.

“When did things progress further?”

“We were on our first proper tour in Manchester” he fidgeted a little in his seat, trying to find the words to describe the night in an appropriate manor.

_It was two days until Christmas and one until Louis’ birthday, they had already played four dates of the Up All Night tour and Harry was already exhausted. The rain had been relentless all day and Louis thought it would be hilarious to lock Harry out of the tour bus for five minutes while he pulled faces at him out of the window. By the time he finally got back on-board it was too late, his clothes were sopping wet and he was pretty sure the early stages of hypothermia were setting in._

_Louis just laughed but threw him a towel anyway, “You should know better than to give me the keys by now Harold… Where are the others?”_

_“Still rehearsing then they’re going out to get some food, why you wanna go?” they both automatically glanced out the window and shook heads._

_“Absolutely not, can’t be getting me hair wet before my show tonight” since they had learned they would be having a show so close to Louis’ birthday he’d been calling it ‘my show’ which Harry found endearing._

_As Harry started to rough the towel through his hair to remove the excess water, Louis made himself comfortable on Liam’s bottom bunk – eyes never leaving Harry._

_“You gonna get out of those wet clothes then” Harry wanted to joke at how corny that sounded but the words died the minute he locked eyes with Louis, who was watching him so intently._

_Ever the people pleaser, Harry slowly started to peel his clothes away and barely noticed when they dropped to the floor with a wet slap. It was only when he was stood in nothing but his boxers he started to mentally freak out, what the hell was he doing? What the hell was Louis doing? Was this actually going to happen?_

_“C’mere” Louis sounded as calm as ever, beckoning Harry onto the bunk with him. It was a tight fit, but they made it work, Louis rolling him over, so he was hovering over Harry and pressing their bodies together. Harry was already dizzy with love and lust, and when Louis pressed their lips together, he couldn’t help but let out a whimper, hands floundering at his sides._

_It only took a minute for Harry to get achingly hard, trying desperately to create some friction as Louis kissed and nipped at his neck. When Louis suddenly pulled away Harry’s eyes shot open in a panic, only to find Louis watching him with pure hunger etched across his face._

_“Lou” he breathed. That’s all it took for Louis crash their lips together once more, tongue softly licking at Harry’s lips as he dragged his index finger down the length of Harry’s torso. After what felt like forever, Louis tucked his hand under the waistband of Harry’s boxers, dancing and teasing until Harry was practically crying at how much he needed it. Eventually Louis wrapped his fingers skilfully around him and started to move up and down, up and down, up and down._

_Harry tried to supress his orgasm for as long as possible, wanting to remain in the moment forever, he’d never felt so alive. That only lasted for so long as Louis leant into Harry’s ear, biting the lobe softly before murmuring ‘baby’. Harry came with a breathy moan, unable to stop his eyes from rolling back or legs from twitching._

_When he could eventually open his eyes, Harry finds Louis smiling down at him rather smugly holding his hand up to make sure he saw the come dripping from it. He wanted to repay the favour, to make Louis feel that way but the moment was broken, and Louis just pressed a soft kiss to Harry’s temple before he slinked off to the bathroom to wash up._

_On stage that night Harry couldn’t stop reaching out to touch Louis, he changed the lyrics of ‘Gotta Be You’ to ‘Gotta Be Lou’ and made sure to look directly at Louis when he sang his solo in Moments._

Of course, when Harry recounts this to Dr Anderson he keeps it all above board, although he’s not a prude he’d rather not describe any of his sexual experiences in great detail like that. He skims over the details but gives enough information so she can gauge the situation and how Harry was feeling.

“That must have been confusing for you, sharing such an intimate moment and then having him brush it off and leave you like that” and oh, Harry never really thought of it like that before.

“I didn’t really think of it like that. I was just so happy, I thought he was finally getting there and realising everything. I suppose now you mention it…” he trailed off and suddenly, looking back everything seemed a little different. “If I think about it, properly think about it I mean, he always did that. It was always on his terms and stuff and we never went fully all the way; I was young and probably a bit naïve”

Sensing his discomfort, Sally gave him another prompt and ignored the fact they were coming to the end of their allotted hour. “Why don’t we move on, what’s the next big moment that you think we should talk through?”

It wasn’t easy to pick one in all honesty; they had a lot of _big_ moments.

There was when the boys had walked in on them kissing, hands down each other’s pants and Louis had spent an hour explaining ‘ _we’re_ _not_ _boyfriends it’s just a friendy benefity thingy right, Haz?’_ whilst Harry nodded and avoided the other boys pitying looks. There was when Louis had told Harry they should _‘back off in public yeah?’_ after the rumours became too much for him, happy to let the fans think it was management dragging them apart; which was only partly true. There were even half a dozen matching tattoos they’d gotten over the years, some planned together and some they put down to coincidence, although they fooled nobody.

“Probably Eleanor” her name still feels bitter on his tongue, even after all of this time. “That was or, well is his girlfriend”

_Harry was making breakfast for them in their shared apartment when Louis first broached the subject, ‘I’ve met someone… Her name’s Eleanor’ had been his exact words. Harry had been so filled with rage he left there and then, grabbing only his mobile as he stormed to Zayn’s flat below and ignored Louis’ confused questioning behind him. Zayn had let him in hurriedly, deadbolting the door behind them and ushering Harry into the living room where he let him cry for a solid hour; both listening to Louis knock on the door asking to be let in._

_Zayn listened to Harry stutter out an explanation about everything, the kissing and touching, how utterly gone for Louis he was and finally about Eleanor. Upon hearing the last part, he’d excused himself for a moment, pressing his phone close to his ear as Harry pretended not to hear him muttering; ‘Go and talk to him Liam. Talk to him before I beat the fucker… No, I’m not. He’s a fucking idiot’._

_He stayed at Zayn’s for a week, letting Liam and Niall come around to visit and indulge him with his favourite foods and fancy wines. But by day seven they all agreed that Harry needed to go and at least talk to Louis, he’d made Zayn promise to wait by the phone ‘just in case’ although he didn’t really know what that meant._

_Louis had looked like hell when he finally built up the courage to go into their apartment, he was cocooned on the sofa with Harry’s duvet and surrounded by empty packets of crisps. Instead of getting right to it, Harry had showered and taken the time to put some of his nice moisturiser and fancy pyjamas on, not really sure if he was stalling or just making Louis stew._

_When there was no more avoiding it, he sat opposite the older boy and eyed him cautiously. Harry remembers thinking it was the first time Louis managed to just keep quiet and not babble away the silence._

_“Louis” he quietly started crying. “I love you Louis. I’m in love with you”_

_“Oh” Harry wondered if he really had no clue or if his acting had just gotten better. “Harry, god. I’m sorry” then Louis was crying, and Harry knew it was over, the rejection didn’t need to be spelled out, but it was anyway. “I don’t- I’m sorry I just don’t love you that way”_

_Harry had wanted to scream and shout that he was wrong, Louis was wrong, because despite what he said his actions showed different. He didn’t scream or shout, he just got up quietly, tugging his duvet away from Louis and barricading himself in his bedroom._

“After that things were… complicated. We all ended up having a massive argument about everything about a month later, the other lads were really wound up that he’d done this” he remembered Liam kicking everyone out of the green room backstage at a show, eyes wild as he glared at his four bandmates. “I stuck up for him in the end, like, I couldn’t force him to love me. It was shit but there wasn’t really anything I could do so I sucked it up and told the others to do the same or we might as well call it a day”

“That was very mature of you to step back like that” Sally smiled kindly, but Harry couldn’t meet her eye.

“The thing is though… I- We d- He carried on seeing Eleanor… but we were always on tour, always on the road on the bus and in each other’s’ pockets while she was thousands of miles away” Harry floundered as the doctor looked on expectantly. “It didn’t take long for us to just… carry on. Things went back to how they’d been with the secret kissing and touching but we were never really properly the same again. I just pretended like she didn’t exist and never spoke about her to me and when she came to shows and stuff, I’d just make myself scarce.

“I did see other people too here and there, wouldn’t really call it dating but… I tried to take my mind off things and thought eventually I’ll meet someone else who I loved and who wanted to be with me. But then nobody compared, nobody even came close to him which is…” he trailed off with a shake of the head. “Closest was Camille I suppose but even that was…” he shrugged, not really knowing the words to explain.

Camille was nice enough and he was happy with her, but there was no real competition when it came down to it. There was no mutual understanding of their life or upbringing, most of the time Harry didn’t even recognise the person he was around her, putting on an act to make himself fit in or relate more.

“I’m obviously not proud of it, I actually feel really guilty and like such a shitty person, but it felt like I was winning in a way? Like even if he didn’t love me, he still _wanted_ me and I think I was just so far gone with him that I took anything I could get” it was the first time Harry had actually voiced any of this out loud and he couldn’t help but let out a few tears at the admittance.

“Oh Harry” for a moment the doctor reminded him of his mum, disapproving but understanding. “I see this quite a lot you know. That feeling of winning, getting one over on someone even though they don’t have a clue what was even going on, it’s very common” the subsequent ‘ _but it doesn’t make it right’_ was left unsaid.

Taking pause for a moment Sally offered Harry a box of tissues so he could take care of the stray tears currently dampening his cheeks meanwhile she busied herself refilling their water glasses, which Harry took to mean they weren’t quite done yet. It was quarter of an hour past their usual finish time however he wasn’t complaining, he definitely didn’t want to stew on this sour note for the next week.

“So…” there was a coy expression on the doctor’s face, although she was trying her best to hide the fact. “I’m interested to know what you think the next step is in terms of moving forward to you. You’re finding it hard to move past Louis which I can definitely understand, the relationship dynamic and many other factors make it a very unique and trying situation for you to process. But it’s not impossible… Let’s st- Why don’t you tell me about the last time you seen Louis.”

“The last time I seen him or the last time we… like, were intimate?”

The doctor pondered for a moment before replying “Both.”

_The last time him and Louis were together was a couple of weeks before he’d started properly dating Camille. It was mid-June and Harry had just had a day full of meetings with the label that just about annihilated his will to live, instead of going right home he’d decided to pop into the studio and see if Tyler was around for some dinner. He’d just been meandering around the hallways, heading for the room he knew his friend normally resided in, when a door flew open and Louis had literally propelled himself into Harry – by accident of course._

_It took him a moment before Louis started laughing and Harry couldn’t help but laugh back, he wondered if Louis was thinking about their first encounter too. “Harry mate, how’s things?” Louis asked once their laughing had subsided._

_“Not bad thank you… You doing ok?” it’d been a while since they last saw each other, so long Harry couldn’t even remember when it was. It was pre- solo album though, that he was sure of._

_“You know me” Louis shrugged which Harry took to mean he wasn’t doing all that well and looking closer he could see the tired lines and dull tones in his face._

_“You busy? Was just going home for some food if… if you fancied?” much like Harry himself, Louis looked a little stunned at the offer, but he soon managed to compose himself._

_“What you making like?” he sniffed with the faintest hint of a smile._

_“I’ll do your fave?” God, Harry had missed this, missed him._

_This seemed to settle it though as soon enough he was ducking into the studio to say his apologetic goodbyes and sneaking out the back doors of the studio to get to Harry’s car. They sat mostly in silence along the PCA, Louis insisted on having the radio on full blast with the windows down; he put on some classics station and hummed along quietly. None of the boys let alone Louis had been to his home in years, they’d never been to this particular home at all._

_When they reached the house, Harry pressed the remote for the gates and slowly rolled into the terracotta paved driveway. Louis hummed in what Harry hoped was approval, observing the neatly tended garden as he slowly slid from the car. They remained in silence as Harry led them up the steps towards the front door, saying a silent thank you he’d left it in a somewhat tidy state that morning; although he knew Louis wouldn’t mind either way._

_“Nice house Haz, Malibu suits you” his tone was kind and Harry had forgotten how soft yet strong he spoke. “Now cook me spaghetti and get me a beer” Louis’ ability to change tone so quickly constantly kept people on their toes, it was something even Harry hadn’t gotten used to._

_“So, demanding” he tuts with a smile, leading them through into the kitchen-dining area and taking a moment to observe Louis as he looked out towards the ocean._

_The ocean is what had sold Harry on the house. People tried to persuade him to buy bigger, out in the hills in a gated community but as soon as he’d caught sight of the ocean from this kitchen, he knew it was the one. The back of the house was entirely made of glass with the lower level leading out onto a small patio and dining area, from there the grass picked up and rolled a couple hundred metres down the rest of the garden. Tucked away down in the bottom left corner there was a small - yet secure - gate, it was almost entirely hidden by a yellow rose bush, but it opened out onto the soft sands of his secluded Malibu beach. He’d cried the first time he went through, sand in between his toes he wondered how this was his life, how had he gotten so lucky. The beach wasn’t big, only around five or so metres wide, but it was private, and it was his._

_As Harry went about fixing their drinks and grabbing all the necessary ingredients for his signature spaghetti, Louis was slowly going around the room taking in all the photos and trinkets Harry had laying around. It put Harry on edge, but he wasn’t sure why, waiting with bated breath for Louis to snap and this all be over._

_“Lovely home Haz really, very… you” he was smirking up at a painting, it was quite an obscene size for the room and depicted an abstract man and woman tangled together with only a rose between them. “How’ve you been then? Album smashed it by the way mate, proper good”_

_Harry almost choked, lowering the beer bottle down onto the kitchen counter. “You’ve listened to it then” he sounded flustered, mind running through every reference of them, of Louis, that he had carefully embed into each song._

_“Of course,” he turned to face Harry slowly “Is it- It’s good Haz, I’m really proud of you y’know” they shared a knowing look and nothing more needed to be said._

_The conversation flowed easily over dinner, trying to catch each other up as much as possible on the last year of their lives. They stayed clear of Eleanor and Harry didn’t mention Camille, but Louis proudly showed off recent pictures and videos of Freddie who was now two years old and able to very clumsily kick a football, much to Louis’s delight. They recounted their most recent encounters with each of the other lads, Louis had seen Niall and Liam just last week but neither of them had seen Zayn in a few months._

_Harry tried to soak every moment, waiting for Louis to make excuses about having to leave but they never came. Instead he asked Harry to show him the beach, grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge like it was his own home before slipping their hands together._

_They lay side by side on the sand, close enough to the water that Harry’s toes occasionally got caught by the soft lull of the tide. Neither spoke for quite some time, just passing the wine back and forward and staring at the darkened sky above, comfortable in the silence as they so often used to be._

_“I’ve missed you Lou” its Harry who eventually breaks, turning his head ever so slightly to take Louis in more._

_“Missed you too H” he swallowed loudly, turning to meet Harry’s gaze with his own._

_Just like the first time, Harry hadn’t been expecting their lips to meet. Just like the first time, Harry didn’t expect to be still so consumed by Louis. Yet here they were, lips fusing together in perfect synchronicity once more. He felt dizzy and breathless, letting Louis sit on his torso and run his hands through his hair. He didn’t even question whether or not this was wrong, because everything just felt right for the first time in so long._

_When Louis led him quietly back to the house, stopping every few meters to kiss against a tree or a wall, it felt right._

_When Louis pushed him softly back onto the couch, taking a moment to just to look at Harry squirm under his gaze, it felt right._

_When Louis unbuttoned his shirt and tugged off his shorts, kissing over the tattoos that lay hidden beneath, it felt right._

_When Louis took him into his mouth, hands running softly up and down his sides, it felt right._

_Everything felt right. And for the first time in a long time Harry just let himself enjoy the experience, soaking up every breathy moan or quiet words that Louis had to offer him._

_And in the morning, he woke up alone in his bed, lay next to a note with scribbled words reading ‘I’m sorry. Love always’._

“That’s the last time we actually spent a bit of time together and well...” Harry took a deep shaky breath; he hadn’t spoken a word of this night to anyone, but it felt good to air it out. “I started seriously dating Camille a few weeks later which, like, looking back I can see this night was probably the reason for that even if I didn’t think so at the time”

“I think it’s interesting how you were able to fall back into the friendship and your old habits so easily. Well done for recognising the link between this and Camille too, it’s a very positive step forward for you” some of the tension in Harry’s shoulders released at the encouragement.

“The last time we spoke was at a mutual friend’s house a few months ago, it was her daughter’s birthday… can’t say it was a nice experience to be honest” Harry winced, combing his hand through his hair.

_Harry was on the floor, surrounded by little girls all fighting to put various coloured clips and bows into his hair. It was Lux’s eighth birthday and he’d really only popped round to drop her present off however she’d begged him to stay and make her look cool to her mates, and well Harry couldn’t really deny her._

_The doorbell had gone, Lou scurried off to answer cackling at the sight of Harry completely swarmed. He heard him before he seen him, of course. Louis’ bellowing voice echoed through Lou’s house as she ushered him and Lottie into the living room, Harry could only offer a stunned and slightly meek smile._

_“Harry!” Lottie exclaimed happily, bypassing the children to give him a hug before turning towards the birthday girl. “Lux! Where’s this amazing cake you’ve been speaking of then?” prompting Lux and the other five girls to giggle and dash into the kitchen as she shot Louis a knowing look._

_“Y’alright mate?” he offered Harry his hand which he gratefully accepted, pulling himself off the rug._

_“Not bad yeah… you?” they hadn’t seen each other since that night in LA although Harry had called Louis with his condolences when he’d heard about Fizzy passing._

_It was awkward, the air felt thick and Harry was just about managing to remember to breathe._

_“Fine yeah. Eleanor’s just outside in the car, was only meant to be popping in” her name stung, and Harry knew he’d mentioned her on purpose._

_“Ok” he replied curtly, unsure why Louis was acting so cold. Instead of just standing staring awkwardly at each other, Harry started to remove the various clips from his hair and turned away so he could set them onto the coffee table._

_“Oh, fuck off Harry” Louis hissed as Harry slowly turned around to look at him. “She’s my fucking girlfriend, you could at least act like you don’t hate her. It’s not her fault you couldn’t handle us fucking around and it’s not my fault you thought we could actually be together. I will never love you Harry, got it?” the way he sneered the last part made Harry’s eyes well up._

_“Don’t say that” his voice cracked, and he willed himself to keep it together._

_“Don’t cry for fucks sake, your just- I’m- fuck. Tell Lottie I’ve gone back to the car” and Harry suddenly remembered where they were, praying nobody had heard the interaction._

_Louis slipped out the front door, pulling it closed a little too firmly as Lottie reappeared from the kitchen, concern etched onto her face only worsening as she seen the look on Harry’s face._

_“For fucks sake” she muttered angrily. “He’s a dick, I’m so sorry Haz. I don’t know what he’s said or done but he’s just not right lately since mum and Fiz and we’re trying but everything’s a bit fucked and I’m sorry” words spilled out of her mouth frantically as she pulled Harry into a hug._

_“It’s ok Lott’s really, you’ve all been through a lot don’t worry about it” he soothed, hugging her tightly._

_“We’ve missed you Haz… he misses you, even if he’s a dick” then she was gone, shouting her goodbyes to Lou and the kids before trudging out to the car; Harry was somewhat pleased at the thought of her ripping into Louis._

“Haven’t seen him since, not sure I want to either to be honest. I know- He went through a lot last year and I know it probably wasn’t even about me but like his words just got to me, like he knew just what to say to make me upset” Harry sighed, exhaustion setting in after the gruelling session.

“We’ll wrap things up there for now I think, I hope you don’t mind the extended session I just thought it would be better to get all this out in one go yeah?” Sally smiled kindly but she made no move to get up like she usually did at the end of a session. “I think that it may be helpful for your progress to reach out to Louis, maybe meet up with him to talk. Being honest with him about your feelings and the effects your relationship has taken on you will help, perhaps make him understand what you went through… what you’re going through. At the very least it will lift some weight from your shoulders” finally she stood up, straightening her polka-dot dress as she went.

“I’ll think about it” is what Harry responded with, whilst his mind was screaming _absolutely fucking not._

Harry went home that evening angry. Angry that he’d had to sit there and tell painful stories for ninety minutes. Angry that so many of his memories were tainted with Louis. Angry that he couldn’t just move on. Angry that he’d wasted ten years of his life loving someone who wouldn’t love him back. Angry.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is different - let me know what you think :)

_June 13 th, 2020 – London, England_

Harry’s Saturday started out like any other day.

The first three hours of the day passed by somewhat uneventfully; a run, a smoothie and a call with Gemma pretty much the extent of the mornings’ activities.

It had been easier to get on with life after this weeks’ therapy session. He’d spent the rest of Thursday angry and let himself have a little cry that evening but when Friday rolled around, he had been determined not to dwell, busying himself by spending time with Nick and a few other mates he never got chance to see anymore. It worked for the most part, distracted him from the uncomfortable feeling that came with thinking about Louis.

It was around 10am when the texts came through, Harry had just gotten out of the shower and eyed the notifications whilst drying off.

Niall H _: ‘Mate!! U busy?? U in London??_ Fancy coming over?? Missed u xx’

Niall H: ‘ _Please… Pretty pretty please’_

Niall H: ‘ _Phoned Gemma and she’s ratted u out. Will be over to pick u up in half an hour_ _’_

Niall H: _‘NO EXCUSES’_

Harry rolled his eyes and smiled at the barrage of messages, slightly concerned that his sister and Niall seemed to be on much closer terms than he had realised, but that would have to wait. He replied quickly before going about getting dressed for the day.

_‘Better not have been flirting with my sister! Suppose I will see you soon x’_

It took Harry 15 minutes to decide what to wear and tame his hair; setting on pink floral shirt and some white denim jean shorts with an old pair of black Adidas trainers. Then he had another 15 minutes of pondering why Niall wanted to meet up. They were friends sure, but they never really got together outside of work functions anymore, let alone spend an entire day one-on-one.

By the time Niall arrived exactly half an hour after his call, Harry was anxious to say the least. His palms were sweating profusely as he climbed into Niall’s Range Rover, secretly hoping he wouldn’t want to shake hands. Of course, Niall doesn’t shake his hand, he pulls him into a clumsy half-bodied hug over the car centre console as they both disperse their greetings.

“It’s been far too long mate. What’s going on?” Niall asks as he sets the car into motion, Harry trying desperately to relax in the passenger seat.

“Honestly not too bad. Second album is out and that, decided not to do a world tour this go around” Harry gives him the usual before adding “I actually started therapy a few weeks ago too… so that’s new I guess” he keeps his head facing forwards, eyes flicking over to Niall.

“Cool, I started going when we went on hiatus like; good for the soul innit?”

“Wouldn’t say it’s been good for my soul yet” Harry laughed incredulously. “Just a lot of childhood talk so far and a lot on Louis, although you did come up at one point” he ignored the tense look Niall shot his way at the mention of Louis.

“You’ll get there mate” and from anybody else Harry is sure he’d feel patronised but Niall is nothing but sincere, as usual.

Conversation continued to flow much easier than Harry remembered, and it made him wonder why they didn’t get together more often, why Harry always felt anxious before meeting up with one of the boys. They talk about music and how crazy it is they both now have _two_ solo albums a piece, taking it in turns to complement each other on songs and lyrics.

It goes so well that Harry doesn’t realise they are almost at Niall’s flat until the car is rolling slowly down into the underground parking garage. Niall was the only member of the group who hadn’t purchased a house in London yet, he’d opted to buy a huge penthouse apartment instead. The building itself was modern yet welcoming, black and grey tones spread across the décor with hints of blue dotted around.

“This place is really nice, don’t think I’ve been here before, right?” Harry was almost certain he hadn’t, the building seemed familiar however he imagined a lot of upscale apartment buildings looked similar across the city.

“Nah mate never had you over. It’s a nice building though yeah, view from my place is sick” and just like that, the elevator opened out onto a small foyer area with a couple of fake plants, a mirror and a black door that could only lead to Niall’s apartment.

In a bigger room, a more open space, Harry may have missed the slight nervous disposition that suddenly overcome Niall as he slipped his key into the lock, shoulders tensed as he shot the younger man a sneaky glance. Trying to brush it off, he followed into the apartment and toed off his shoes, taking in a few of the signed football and basketball jerseys that adorned the short hallway.

“In here Haz” Niall poked his head out of an open door, smiling as Harry started the short few paces into the room.

There was a million and one things Harry expected to find in Niall’s sitting room. More sports paraphernalia? Yeah sure. An obscene TV with speakers that could probably blow his eardrums? Definitely. A weird art sculpture Niall thought was hilarious? Sure, why not. Hell, even a life-size nude portrait of Niall himself would have been normal than this.

Niall hovers next to him around the doorway, looking a mixture of amused and terrified. Liam is sunk into horseshoe shaped sofa, blinking warily up at Harry as he taps his hands nervously on his knees. Zayn’s sat a few feet over from Liam, lips pursed tightly together whilst he stared intently at the coffee table ahead. Louis was perched very rigidly on the edge of the sofa with his back to the door, to Harry, shoulders tensed.

Harry felt like an age passed as he just stood there, mouth gaping as his eyes bore into the back of Louis’ skull. He was aware that his breath had become more staggered, brain forgetting to communicate with his respiratory system on how to function normally. Nobody dares move, eyes focused on Harry as they all wait for his next move. Of course, as always, Louis didn’t wait for anybody else. The older man shot off the sofa, whirling around to look Harry dead in the eyes as if suddenly struck with a bullet filled of courage.

Liam and Zayn also shot off the sofa as if preparing themselves for conflict, moving around the coffee table to occupy the space next to Niall which also put them between Harry and Louis.

“Y’alright Haz?” it was Zayn who finally broke, stepping forward slightly and giving a little wave in an attempt to break whatever trance Harry had fallen into.

It did work to some extent, instead of Harry’s eyes focused solely on Louis they flitted across the others too, unable to quite work out what they were all doing here; it made him dizzy.

“I think he’s in shock” Liam stepped up beside Zayn, tone panicked.

“Aw fuck, was this a shit idea? I think it was a shit idea Li, what I have I done. Maybe I should have just let them handle it instead” Niall babbled nervously, hands coming up to his face so he could anxiously bite at the skin around his nails.

“No that would have been no better Niall, he’ll snap out of it eventually” Harry vaguely heard Zayn try to reassure Niall.

Louis eyes were still locked with his, a small frown had been etched across his face from the moment he turned around. Then, his lips slowly quirked upwards and his raised from their furrowed state, chin tilting down towards his chest. It was a silent and slow gesture, meant only for Harry, asking if he was ok.

There was another beat of silence before Harry started hysterically laughing, gasping for breath at the bizarre circumstance he’d suddenly found himself in. Louis let out a nervous short chuckle, whilst the other three grew even more frantic with worry at his somewhat maniacal amusement.

“Harry mate, you alright?” Niall pat his shoulder gently, worriedly looking to Louis as if he would know what to do.

“What the fuck” Harry wheezed, wiping the wetness from around his eyes as he came down from the ridiculousness of the situation.

“Why don’t you sit down mate… Niall get him some water or something yeah?” Zayn flit over to his side, arm slinking around his waist as Niall quickly dashed out of the room.

Harry managed to drag his feet around to the sofa, lowering himself into the cushions slowly as Liam and Zayn flanked him, keeping their distance but also sitting close. Louis also resumed his place on the sofa directly opposite Harry, although his eyes were trained on the coffee table. Niall returned quickly, handing Harry the bottle of water before shuffling past Louis and throwing himself down onto the sofa next to Zayn.

“Well?” Harry all but squeaked, eyes focused intently on Niall as he suddenly wondered why in hell he had been lured here.

“So… right ok” for what could possibly the first time since meeting Niall, he looked extremely uncomfortable. “So like, three months ago right, I was out on the course- the golf course at the Belfry with a few of the lads right. We’re just going around havin’ a laugh an’ that when I run into fucking Magee, Griffiths and Bloomfield right” Niall paused, taking a quick breath as he glanced around the room unsurely.

“No” it was out of his mouth before Harry even heard the rest of Niall’s story, there was only one outcome of this story.

“Haz just listen to him” Liam pleaded, motioning for Niall to continue.

“No I-“

“Sorry Harry but just listen yeah? So, they start proper schmoozing me like, I mean proper up my arse they were – even more than usual. Then it hits me, fucking 10-year anniversary this year innit?” Harry feels positively queasy, unable to find anymore words of protest as Niall continues. “We finish up on the course together then they ask me if I want a pint with them in the clubhouse which like, I’m not turning down a free pint yeah? Start asking me all this shit about you lot, trying to be dead subtle about it and all but I knew their game

“Ended up I told them to pretty much fuck off like. Took me Guinness and went and sat over with a few of the other lads I knew in there- Callum and Oscar, you met them? Anyway, knew that there was no way in hell a reunion would happen with them lot and Syco like – too much happened and that now really. Then the next week I met up with Liam and told him what went on, he agreed that there was just no point in even entertaining the idea with you three” he gestures vaguely to Zayn, Louis and Harry.

“Uh- right yeah so like then we started talking about it more and we wondered uh- like what if we just done it without them?” Liam continued on; eyes focused desperately on Harry. “We’ve had lawyers look over our old contracts and there’s nothing in there to say that if there’s a reunion we have to do it through either them, they would get a small percentage of earnings- like 6 percent each but other than that we can choose who we work with”

Harry’s head was spinning, at the words tumbling from Liam’s mouth. _Reunion._ It wouldn’t work, it couldn’t work. Too much had happened, too long had passed. _Surely Zayn and Louis have to agree_ he thought.

“We went to Lou a few weeks later, told him the plans and he was pretty much on board before I’d got me first sentence out like” Niall cackled, reaching over to thump Louis on the arm as Harry couldn’t help but shoot a confused look his way.

Louis shot Niall a weak smile which he took as a sign to continue. “Zaynie-poo over here was a bit more difficult. Couldn’t even track the fucker down for a phone call! But I messaged his sister on Instagram an’ that to ask where the fuck he was and turns out he was out on some ranch in the middle of Nevada with Gigi” Niall just smirked as Zayn shot him a glare. “So anyway, me and Liam flew out proper covert, disguised up like the old days and went to pay the mysterious man a visit to tell him of our masterplan”

Zayn sniggered quietly, “Rocked up to this house we’re staying in right, driving a Prius with the most ridiculous fake moustaches. Luckily Doniya warned me they were coming because Gi thought they were some weird stalkers, ready to set the dogs on them and everything”

“As Zayn said, excellent disguises and all” Niall rolled his eyes. “Managed to drag him away from the bedroom long enough to explain the plan and I think we’ve got him on board – right Zayn?”

“I said maybe Niall, I haven’t agreed to do anything. It’s not like we can just turn back time, things aren’t exactly good between us, are they? Harry just about had an aneurism when he seen- seen us all together” at this, Harry felt a little relief that he wasn’t the only one failing to see how this could work.

“It’s not gonna be easy yeah but like- ten years lads? Ten years is mega special, we won’t get to do it again” Liam smiled sadly.

Louis hadn’t said a word since Harry had arrived which was all but unheard of, he was normally the one telling the story or butting in with his own version of events. Harry allowed a quick glance over to see what the older man was doing, flush slightly when he found Louis staring straight back at him. There was an odd expression on his face, eyes not quite relaxed but there was a tight thin smile on his mouth, and he knew it was a reassurance of sorts.

“I- I don’t know” Harry stuttered, dragging his eyes back to Niall. “I don’t know how this would work. We- everything is different now. I can’t- I don’t know how we can go back to that”

The truth is, Harry _wanted_ the reunion. Buried deep in his heart and mind, he wanted nothing more than to fall back into the band and have things be fun again. They might not have sung the songs they wanted or been able to say what they wanted but being together, the five of them against the world had been everything to Harry back then.

However now, Harry was in the depths of a solo career. A freeing, honest, successful solo career. The thought of being put back into a box made him feel sick to the stomach. And he hadn’t even considered the Louis situation yet. All the years he spent loving somebody who didn’t love him back, loving somebody who was happy to kiss and blow him but couldn’t stand the thought of being in a relationship with him, years of confusion and hurt.

“I spoke to Jeff” Niall throws out there, desperation in his voice hinting it’s a last resort of sorts. “Took him for a beer and explained everything to him… If you’re on board he’ll be the one managing it yeah? We would go through Full Stop and Colombia. it really won’t be like last time; there’s a lot of shit we all wanna do differently this time”

Harry breathes an incredulous laugh to Niall, shaking his head in disbelief. “Thought of it all then?” it comes out a lot snarkier than he’d intended however nobody seems perturbed.

“Look Harry. We want this yeah but we’re not going to do it without anybody. We want to go back and do it our way, right some wrongs and have a good fucking laugh doing it. Not saying it’s gonna be easy and we’re definitely going to have to sing a few of our shite songs but I promise you it will be different” Liam is firm but kind, reaching over to give Harry a pat on the shoulder.

“How would it even work?” he asks timidly, refusing to even verbally agree to anything until he’s had some solid evidence that things will be better with management and maybe a conversation or two with Louis… and his therapist.

“Phase one is reignite” Niall exclaims happily, eyed darting around as he grins happily.

“Reignite? What do you mean?” at the small groans coming from Louis and Zayn, it was clear he was the last to hear of this plan. Surprisingly it didn’t hurt to find everyone had been conspiring behind his back, although he couldn’t believe even Jeff had been in on everything.

“Well we’ve hardly spent a lot of time together since- well ya know. So, first things first, we need to reignite this old flame and get her going again. I’m thinking a week holiday, just the five of us getting to know each other again, ironing out a few… issues and setting some deal breakers for contracts and that.

“If we get back after a week and all can’t stand each other or one of us just doesn’t wanna do it then it’s off the table and we’ll forget about it. If not, then we can move into phase two which is actual logistics of everything – contracts, music, touring and whatever else there is” Niall has the decency to hold back on his smirk for all of five seconds as he takes in Harry’s clearly shocked expression.

“Honestly Haz, he’s thought of everything mate” Zayn rolls his eyes but his tone is fond.

“Humour me yeah lads? Let’s spend a week together and if nobody can handle Payno’s ego or Zayn’s flakiness or Haz’s moping or Louis’ gob or my handsomeness then at least we tried” and honestly Harry wanted to say no, the thought of a week in Louis’ presence alone was enough reason to vehemently refuse. However, one look Niall who was so hopeful and the decision was made for him.

“One week” he frowns, refusing to meet any of their shocked eyes. “I’ll give it a week yeah” at this, a small choked sound comes from Louis’ side of the sofa which was almost drowned out by the deafening cheer coming from Niall.

“This is actually happening then” Zayn looks genuinely shocked as he manages to bark out a laugh, and yeah Harry knows that feeling.

“We’re putting the band back together” Liam seems almost as ecstatic as Niall, as they shot up from the sofa and danced around the living room happily. The other three remained seated with strained expressions, as if the tension and unease was only affecting them.

“So, lads, where we off to then? Feels like judges’ houses, no fucking idea where we’re off!” Niall flopped back onto the sofa, slinging his arm around a very awkward Louis.

“Somewhere quiet” Zayn intervened, “we don’t need fans and press getting wind of this just yet yeah?”

“Could go somewhere like that ranch you were at Zayn? Not much there like but it’s definitely quiet…” Liam trailed off, the prospect not sitting quite right with Harry.

“I- I think I know a place” Harry couldn’t help a small smile edging onto his lips as the other boys looked on with curiosity. “I’m sure the owner won’t mind…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to keep the dialogue realistic to their personalities/accents so it may not be the most eloquent - it's just closest what I imagine them actually saying! 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on posting this but here it is!
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated :)

_June 13 th, 2020 – Somewhere on the M6, England_

In an effort to ‘ _strike while the irons hot_ ’, Niall insisted they started their bonding time immediately which of course everybody but Harry was prepared for. The four of them had piled into Liam’s car with their various bags, suitcases, and two of Niall’s guitars and accompanied Harry back to his home, waiting patiently as he tried to hurriedly pack enough clothes and essentials for the week.

Zayn had offered to retrieve his car and drive himself and Harry separately however the idea was immediately shot down, which now that Harry was squished in between Niall and Zayn on the backseat he wished he’d pushed a little harder for it. In truth it did make sense, less cars meant less chance of being seen and the glass on Liam’s window was heavily tinted so that even the most trained eyes couldn’t make out the others in the car whilst they were stopped for fuel.

The journey it almost – _almost -_ felt like the early days. Zayn had dozed off pretty much as soon as they got out of London, easily tuning out the radio and the often too-loud chatter. Niall, Liam and Louis were all laughing and joking about various things, talking about people that Harry didn’t know and memories that he wasn’t a part of; making it easy for Harry to just sit quietly and play _Words_ _with_ _Friends_ on his phone.

Eventually as they neared the destination, the reality of the situation started to sink in with Harry a little more, anxiety seeming to bubble up out of nowhere until he was feeling nauseous. Niall immediately knew something was off and thankfully he didn’t announce it to the full car, simply bringing his hand to rest on Harry’s shoulder. In turn, Harry gave his knee a shaky pat and sneaked a glance out of the window to see how far away they were.

It was only when he realised, they were a mere two minutes away, anxiety was overridden by sheer panic. His breathing shallowed to short wheezes, the question _what the hell am I doing_ going around and around his mind. Seemingly realising he was in the midst of a breakdown, Niall’s laughter cut off immediately has he brought a tight arm around Harry’s shoulders.

“Haz? You alright mate? You look a bit pale… You’re not gonna be sick are ya? We’re almost there now” the words from Liam do little to quell the mixture of emotions churning through Harry’s body.

“I think this was a mistake” he croaks, cupping his hands over his face in regret.

Nobody responds, the tense atmosphere seemingly enough to rouse even Zayn as he blinks blearily around the car and then at their surroundings. “Here already?” he mumbles, giving Harry a light pat on his knee.

The bungalow hadn’t changed much over the last decade, Harry had been too sentimental about things to even think of giving it a makeover. It had been an easy decision for Harry to purchase the property all those years ago, giving him a secluded space away from the media and responsibilities. Surprisingly the press or any fans hadn’t actually realised he owned the home, too distracted by houses in London and LA to care about a small two bed bungalow in Cheshire.

As a band they had only stayed at the property on a total of three separate occasions and yet the memories they shared here have bonded them for life, secrets spilled over the fire tying them together like the best friends they were meant to be. Now, the bungalow acted as little more than an oversized storage space for his mum and her many Christmas decorations, save for the one or two weekends a year Harry holed up here to write or think or just _be._

With a large perimeter garden and a defence line of thick trees and shrubbery, there was little chance of anyone spotting them – more so since the neighbouring property was well over a mile away. It was the perfect place to feel out whether or not they could still do this together, to start the healing process. Although as they sat in the driveway, staring at the place that everything started there was a noticeable air of trepidation surrounding everyone; something that didn’t particularly comfort Harry.

“Alright lads let’s do this” it’s Louis who tumbles out of the car first, followed closely by Liam as the move towards unloading their bags which were tightly packed into the boot.

Niall paused before exiting the car, hand hovering around the handle as he turned to face Harry and Zayn. “It’s gonna be alright Haz, we’ve got your back yeah?” it’s enough to push back the panic for the moment as Zayn hums in approval before they both slip out of the car and grab their bags.

“It smells the same” is the first thing Liam notes as they cross the threshold of the bungalow, causing both Niall and Louis to sniff the air and nod in agreement before breaking into laughter.

“You can remember what a house smelled like from like ten years ago but every time you make me a cuppa you have to ask if I take sugar?” Zayn snorts incredulously as he dumps his bag into the middle of the open-plan living area.

“So, who’s sleeping where then?” Niall puts a halt to the bickering currently going back and forth between Liam and Zayn about tea, making a point of opening the bedroom doors and pointing to the two double beds that occupy each one.

This was the catalyst for a ten-minute argument.

Louis, Harry and Zayn didn’t want to share with Liam because he snored, _loudly_. Harry, Liam and Zayn didn’t want to share with Niall because he constantly twitched in his sleep. Niall and Liam didn’t want to share with Louis because he was too messy, and well, Harry certainly didn’t want to share with Louis. The argument soon drifted away from the matter of sleeping arrangements soon enough as Louis couldn’t help but take a swipe at Zayn, asking _‘well are you staying for the full week or are you going to flake midway through because that changes things_.’ Eventually the words became a little too heated and Harry thought it best to put a pause to the argument; it was going to be a long week if they couldn’t even make it through the first hour here.

It was decided that Louis and Zayn would share as he was the only one that could really cope with the mess Louis created, it also forced them to spend some time together and hopefully work past a few of their issues with each other. Niall and Liam would share the other bedroom, neither of them really minding whether the other snored or twitched too much. Harry volunteered himself to sleep on the sofa out in the living room, it was long and deep enough that he fit quite comfortably, and - in his honest opinion - the cushions offered decent back support. Nobody mentioned that they never had this problem because Harry and Louis always used to share but it does hang in the air.

Thankfully Anne had happily dashed out to stock up the cupboards and fridge as soon as Harry had let her know what was happening, saving the boys from having to go to the supermarket. She’d had the great hindsight to throw copious amounts of alcohol and even wrote a little welcome note, pinned to the fridge. Ten minutes post argument they all congregated in the living room with beers in hand and oven pizzas spread on the coffee table, the five of them sprawling over the sofa and two beat up armchairs.

“So… what shall we do?” Niall is looking around the room, taking a long swig from the bottle of Budweiser he’s cradling.

“I mean… you planned this Niall… do you not, like, have a plan?” Zayn questioned Niall; tone rather unimpressed.

“Lads lads lads, I thought it would take way more than a couple of hours in me flat to get the big H to agree” Niall cackled as everybody groaned, expertly dodging a cushion that Louis threw his way from his perch on the black leather armchair; that chair was always his favourite. “Let’s just get smashed and see where the night takes us, cheers!” with another swig of his beer and a cheeky wiggle of his eyebrows, Niall settles into the sofa next to Harry.

For the most part conversation runs smoothly. Zayn gushes about Gigi and how excited he is to become a dad; which, yeah, Harry had all but forgot this revelation despite sending an expensive flower arrangement to Zayn months prior when he first learned of the news. Liam and Louis shared stories about their own fatherhood experience, mainly the fact their terrified of doing anything wrong constantly. Niall tries no less than thirty times to steer the conversation away from babies, complaining he’s _too young for this shite, if I wanted a man-band I’d join Take That._

Harry dips in and out of the conversation, growing more relaxed as the hours and beers tick by; although the anxiety never leaves altogether. He gushes over pictures of both Freddie and Bear whilst agreeing with Niall that the scan picture Zayn showed them did look a little like the baby had a quiff, even in the womb. When Niall looked about ready to pass out with boredom, Harry dropped in a bit of gossip he’d heard about the Jonas Brothers which helped shift the conversation away from children.

“All I’m saying is I don’t trust Kevin but Joe s’cool” Niall slurs a little, holding his hands out in a shrug.

“Did you know Nick wrote Lovebug when he were 14?” Zayn muses seriously before breaking out into a fit of laughter, followed shortly after by the rest of the boys with even Harry happily giggling away.

“We did have some shite lyrics back in the early days lads” Louis moves the conversation on slightly as they all hum in agreement. “But the question is, what’s the worst? For me it’s got to be just the whole of _Save_ _You Tonight_ , I literally cannot believe we actually ever recorded that”

“No no, ‘ _the way you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed’_ has to be the champion” Harry petitioned, he actually quite liked _What Makes You Beautiful_ as a song but there was no denying it was the epitome of cheesy.

“I mean, the line from _I_ _Would_ about reality ruining my life always made me laugh” Liam snorted, before starting to hum said song.

“Hate to break it to you lads but you’re all wrong. The winner is ‘we're like na, na, na then we're like yeah, yeah, yeah’” Zayn sings in a high-pitched tone, just about getting through before bursting into more laughter.

They carried on for another hour or so, reminiscing about the old days and poking fun at lyrics they had sang or odd television appearances they had in other countries; Liam’s retelling of the infamous Japanese interview made Niall fall from the sofa in a fit of laughter as he remembered the poor producer crying over the chaos.

Eventually it was just Harry alone in the living room as the other lads slinked off to bed, mumbling various goodnights on their way with Niall pausing to compliment Harry’s shorter hairstyle, petting it softly before Liam dragged him away.

Harry wasn’t all that tired, but he went through the motions of brushing his teeth and getting down to his boxers anyway, the June heat made the need for a duvet obsolete, so he settled for a thin cotton sheet instead. The day had definitely gone better than he imagined it would when he first walked into Niall’s apartment although that was namely since everybody tried to avoid all the deeper issues they had; Harry was sure the bubble would burst sooner rather than later.

One of the bedroom doors quietly creaked open and Harry could hear bear feet lightly padding across the carpet and into the open kitchen-living area. As soon as Harry could make out that it was Louis creeping through the darkness, he quickly snapped his eyes shut and pretended to be asleep, desperately hoping his ragged breathing wouldn’t give him away.

“Haz? You awake? I wanted to talk…” Louis whispered, tiptoeing closer to the sofa. “I know you’re not asleep, y’know” and yeah, of course Harry couldn’t fool him.

“I don’t want to talk to you” Harry whispered and turned into the sofa, not even allowing himself a small peak at the older man.

It was too similar, too much like how it used to be with Harry here on the sofa with Louis coming through late in the night to talk. Of course, Harry was also thinking about Dr Anderson’s final words from this week’s session…

_‘I think that it may be helpful for your progress to reach out to Louis, maybe meet up with him to talk. Being honest with him about your feelings and the effects your relationship has taken on you will help, perhaps make him understand what you went through… what you’re going through. At the very least it will lift some weight from your shoulders’_

“Please Harry, come sit outside with me while I smoke?” he sounded desperate, whispered words cutting through Harry’s thoughts harshly.

Before he could think too much about it, Harry swung his legs off the edge of the sofa and stood up. Ignoring Louis’ eyes on him as he shrugged back into his pink shirt from earlier in the day, leaving the buttons open, he didn’t bother with the denim shorts.

Neither of them spoke as they quietly made their way onto the patio, Harry opting to sit in the middle of the swing seat which left Louis with no option but to sit on the small wall opposite. Louis didn’t speak at first, simply opening up the small tin he had clutched in his right hand and pulling out a joint and a lighter before offering up one to Harry – which he accepted, he wouldn’t mind a little extra comfort for this.

They smoked in silence for a minute or two, Harry willing the calming effects of the weed seep into his blood as he opened his mouth to speak.

“I started therapy” he utters, looking up at the stars as the smoke swirls around them. “She told me I should reach out to you… Suppose Niall took care of that for me” he laughs humourlessly, looking to see how Louis has taken this news.

“Oh yeah?” he doesn’t look shocked or show any emotion at all really, Harry doesn’t know what to make of it, so he just hums in acknowledgement. “I wanted to say sorry… That’s- It’s why I asked you to come out here with me” chancing a look over, Harry watches Louis squirm on the wall uncomfortably and chooses not to bother replying.

“I was a dick when you last seen me I- I wasn’t really doing all that well” he shrugs and picks at the hem of his tank-top. “It’s not an excuse like just… I’m sorry for what I said”

“S’fine” Harry says, inhaling another breathe on the joint. “I knew how you felt, you just confirmed it” it was Harry’s turn to shrug in the hopes of looking nonchalant, meanwhile his brain was in overdrive; weed clearly not doing much in the way of calming him.

“No” Louis rose his voice a little, sternly looking at Harry. “I- You- We…” he trailed off, seemingly unable to find the words.

Once again Harry was fronted with the words of Dr Anderson, ‘ _be honest with him about your feelings’ ‘make him understand what you went through’._

“My therapist said I should tell you my feelings, says it will help me process things if you know how I feel… felt” Harry takes one last drag of the joint before stubbing it out on the ground and leaving the butt there to deal with in the morning.

“O-Ok” in all their years of knowing each other, Harry can’t really think of a time Louis sounded more unsettled than this.

“I loved you, really fucking loved you, thought you hung the fucking moon I loved you so much” as if the statement was true, Harry glares up at the crescent moon above before he focuses his eyes back to Louis. “Thing is, I was so sure you loved me back. People told me y’know? My family, the boys… others… they all thought you loved me” Harry sees Louis’ eyes close tightly.

“Harry” he whispers quietly, Harry thinks it sounds like a plea to stop. He doesn’t.

“We kissed, we cuddled, we got each other off… we _were_ together” Harry was acutely aware his voice was becoming hoarse as he tried to get through the rest of the story. “The only thing missing was the relationship labels, but I thought it was just a matter of time before you came around to it and make things official

“Then all of a sudden there was Eleanor, you’d went and got yourself a girlfriend… It- It felt- You broke my heart Louis. Proper shattered it” there was a few stray tears leaking from Harry’s eyes, but he didn’t wipe them away, letting Louis watch as they dripped from his chin. “Obviously I’m not a very good person though because even though you were hers, I couldn’t let you go, couldn’t stop kissing or touching you or stop myself from hoping one day you’d realise that you loved me not her” Harry let his words sink in, watching as Louis dropped his head into his hands and took a few shaky breaths.

“Years Lou… We did this for years, I loved you for years while you were what? Treating me like a toy to play with while your girlfriend wasn’t around… using me to get you off when you were a bit lonely on tour, yeah? I was so blind to it” Louis’ let out a small sound of disapproval, but Harry didn’t want to wait to see if he actually had anything to say.

“You were my best friend, my boyfriend… pretty sure you were the love of my life and the feeling wasn’t even mutual. Fuck… I’m only 26 and I know that I couldn’t love anybody the way I did you. Do you see now? Do you see how much you’ve fucked me up?” Louis finally looks up at Harry, eyes flickering over his face as if he was actually looking for confirmation etched into his skin. “V’tried so hard to stop this, to move past whatever we were. It’s been five years Louis and I can barely look at you without having a breakdown for fucks sake”

“Har-” Louis croaks, lifting his arm out as if he wants to reach over and comfort Harry.

“Let me finish” the younger boy spits back. “I’ve tried to date people, be in a relationship with people. And for a while I kid myself into thinking I’m happy and I’m over it, but it never lasts… I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the fact I loved you” Harry finishes with spite. He’s standing up and moving back into the bungalow, shedding the pink shirt and burying himself under the cotton sheet before Louis can utter a word.

He lays there for what feels like hours, waiting for Louis to come in and apologise or argue but he never does. Eventually Harry succumbs to sleep, pillow damp with tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'll try to get the next chapter up tomorrow.
> 
> Thanks x


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated :) x

_June 14 th, 2020 – Holmes Chapel, England_

When Harry awoke the next morning, the bungalow was quiet save for the sound of birds outside. His mobile phone read only _06:43_ which - considering the amount of alcohol and the late night he’d had - it was far too early to be awake.

Despite this, he managed to resist the urge to curl further into the sofa and drift back off for another hour or two, forcing himself out of the sheet cocoon and over to where his duffel bag lay in the corner of the room. It only took a couple of seconds to pick out a pair of shorts, oversized hoody and running trainers before he was slipping the items on and quietly ducking out the front door.

Running in the morning had become a habit Harry picked up whilst recording the second album in LA and since being back in London he’d tried his best to keep up the routine, finding his mind couldn’t quite focus the same if not. After a few months of being consistent, the tightness in his muscles and burning in his lungs had lessened to a workable amount.

Readying himself for the run ahead, Harry stood on the front porch area of the bungalow and ran through few basic stretches in the fresh air, steadying his breathing as much as possible. Since the knifepoint robbery back in February he no longer walked or ran with music playing but he didn’t really mind the soft chirping of birds as background noise.

“Harry?” the voice was quiet but its startled Harry, nonetheless, causing him to shriek and spin around to find the person responsible.

“Louis” he breathed, internally cursing whatever higher power was already intent on ruining this day. “What are you doing out here?” he carries on stretching, bringing his left thigh tightly into his chest.

“Just y’know” he waves an arm around loosely before sighing and taking a couple of steps towards Harry. “Insomnia” he shrugs and smiles falsely.

“You’ve not slept? At all?” Harry asks dumbly whilst observing that Louis does actually look like he hasn’t slept properly in days.

“Nah you know me mate” he shrugs again, and Harry can tell he’s uncomfortable.

“Not really no” he’s unable to stop the snarky response, not missing the way Louis purses his lips. “Anyway, just going for a run so” Harry points lamely to where the road lay behind the trees and turns to start jogging before Louis can respond.

As always, the steady beat of the pavement and the slight stretch in his chest centred Harry’s thoughts and brought a little clarity to the mess that often cluttered his mind. The talk with Louis the night previously had actually helped shift some of the pressure Dr Anderson had mentioned, not entirely but knowing Louis knew how he feels is enough for the time being.

Holmes Chapel hadn’t really changed much from when Harry was a child, a few shops had closed and a few more had opened in their place but truly it was just the same. It still felt like home which had been an odd realisation he’d come to in LA a few years ago, no matter where he travelled or how long he was away, nothing could replace the feeling of content he got when being back in the village.

He makes it around halfway to the next village over before deciding to turn back, unsure how long or far he’d actually gotten without his phone but feeling confident it had been a decent distance. The number of cars on the road had also started to pick up, causing Harry to pull the drawstrings on his hood a little tighter in a veiled attempt to keep his identity hidden.

  
A familiar car is waiting in the driveway of the bungalow when Harry returns, causing his slow walk to speed up into a spritely jog. When he opens the front door, the boys are joined by his mum on the sofa, she’s pressed a little too closely to Niall - but he’ll let it slide this once. They’re all laughing about something or other, making various acknowledgments as Harry comes into view. 

“Mum” Harry smiles happily, making his way around the coffee table to give her a hug. They had seen each other only a week ago yet with everything that had gone on in recent days it felt like a lot longer and a hug from his mum could make Harry feel better even on the darkest of days. 

“Y’alright H? Just thought I’d pop round before I head to meet Zoe, check that you’re all alive and well and aren’t fighting too much” they all give their thanks politely whilst Niall adds a ‘not yet’. 

“D’you want another tea or something Anne?” Louis stands up jerkily, seemingly a little flustered over the situation as he goes about gathering the empty teacups and moving towards the kitchen. The others look on a little shocked over the fact Louis seemed to be making a conscious effort to clean the space, even Harry was a little amused.

“No thanks love I best be going now anyway, I’ll drop by later on in the week if you want and bring a decent home cooked meal” Anne makes her way around the room, giving each of the boys a quick hug. Finally, she turns back to Harry and grips him tightly, leaning up on her toes to whisper a quiet _‘love you, be good’_ before she’s ducking out the door. 

“How are all your family fit as fuck?” Niall groans jokingly, breaking out into booming laughter when Harry throws himself down in his lap and starts tickling his ribs.

The mood is fairly quiet for the rest of the morning, each of the boys taking it in turns to shower and change into fresh clothes whilst also foraging something for breakfast. Harry manages to steal some of the closet space in Niall and Liam’s room, so he doesn’t have to live out of his duffel for the week and he’s all of a sudden very grateful for Niall’s strict organisation.

Zayn and Louis slink out into the garden mid-morning whilst the others are getting ready to smoke on the porch swing, Liam can’t help but nervously check on them through the window every ten minutes to make sure there’s no actual fighting going on. An hour and a half later they come in looking significantly happier than when they left, and Harry wonders why all of his issues can’t be solved with a joint in the summer air.

It’s around 1pm when they find themselves once again strewn around the living room pondering what they should do next. When they first arrived at the bungalow almost ten years ago there seemed to be so much to do and learn about each other it was impossible to be bored. As Harry sat and observed the men in front of him now, he realised there was probably more to sort and learn this time around, but the direction wasn’t as clean cut as last time. _The irony._

“How about a film fellas?” Niall smiles devilishly and jogs into the bedroom before anybody can agree or disagree. He returns with a DVD, refusing to let any of them see what it is until the title page comes into view. Harry’s can’t help but smile amusedly that five successful musicians, millionaires no less, are sat in a tiny bungalow around a small 32” television about to watch a DVD of all things.

“Niall” they all groan in unison, eyes rolling as their own movie starts to play out on the television. Whilst Niall squeals with glee as his own voice starts speaking about how much he’s always wanted to be a singer whilst Zayn whines uncomfortably as the film fades into him talking about his home life growing up. Despite their apparent unwillingness to watch, nobody makes a move to switch it off or leave the room. 

It was more than strange, watching your life from seven years ago playing out on a screen. Showing memories, places and even people you’d forgotten about in the time since, but Harry found it a little comforting. No matter what the band was or wasn’t, no matter what issues any of them had it was hard to deny that it had been fun, the experience of a lifetime. 

It’s when the clips from MSG start to play out that Harry’s throat goes a little tight, the sight of Robin and Jay on the TV make all the boys quietly reflect on those no longer with them. Without thinking Harry’s eyes gravitate towards Louis who was sat on the black armchair and glancing right back at him knowingly, they share a sad smile before turning back to the television.

Harry doesn’t understand how they can share these moments, so reminiscent about how it used to be; just a small glance that told them everything they needed to know. Yet in other instances Harry felt like Louis was a weight on his chest, pressing and pressing until his lungs felt like they couldn’t take it. When he didn’t see the older man, it was easy to pretend, easy to forget about the hold he seems to have over him but here now in the confines of the Cheshire countryside it was impossible to ignore.

They make it through to the campsite scene where they’re talking about how this is the best time of their lives, about whether or not they’ll be friends when it’s all over, when Zayn finally breaks. He jumps off the sofa from his place in between Harry and Niall and quickly hits pause on the DVD player, eyes a little teary as he turns back to face the others. 

“I’m sorry” he starts “I’m really fuckin’ sorry lads, for leaving and the shit I said about you afterwards, like, just really sorry” Zayn finishes with a shy smile and Harry jumps up to pull him into an embrace, he was long ready to forgive and forget. The rest of the lads follow his lead and, although it’s a little awkward as they try to squash into the small space between the sofa and coffee table, it feels like they’ve started to heal.

­­­­

They decide on a barbecue for dinner because nobody can really be bothered to cook and the air in the bungalow is starting to smell a little stale, or ‘ _like_ _man’_ as Niall so eloquently put it. Liam crowned himself ‘ _King of the Grill’_ and took charge of things quite happily which wasn’t exactly a chore for the others, who were able to lounge around the outside table and chairs making idle chatter.

It was after a few beers and some slightly charred burgers – the so called ‘king of the grill’ had gotten distracted by a story Zayn told about recording the song for the new Aladdin therefore meaning his kingship had been revoked by a unanimous vote – that Niall brought out his two guitars, handing one to Harry before starting to tinker with one himself.

They mess around playing a couple of classics mixed in with the odd One Direction songs, all happily humming and singing along before Niall insists that himself and Harry have a song-off since they are the only ones who can _properly_ play guitar.

“V’ seen you up there Styles, stealing me status as the one true musician of this band” Niall cackles. “It’s time we put this to bed, me and you right now son. Show me what you got! I’ll go first alright?”

Niall strums the intro to _Cross Your Mind_ with ease, unabashedly singing to the other four boys with a playful smile as he dances awkwardly in his chair. He plays almost the full song, finishing to a round of applause and soft cheering from the boys, before turning to look at Harry expectantly, quirking his brow in a challenge.

For a split-second Harry panics, unable to think of the chords to any of the songs he knows before his body seems to takeover and the plucky start to _Sweet Creature_ flows from the strings. Eyes trained on the table ahead, Harry can make out Liam bobbing his head along appreciatively which makes his lips quirk. Like Niall before him, he stops after the first chorus and the boys give him a little reception of cheering and clapping.

Niall is about to start playing another song when Liam pipes up, a cheeky smile on his face “Lucky lady whoever she is Haz”

Harry chokes a little on air, Louis seemingly doing the same with the mouthful of beer he’s just taken, Zayn and Niall can do little else but reach over to slap Liam over the head as he confusedly watches on.

“Liam” Zayn hisses, eyes flicking between Louis and Harry as the atmosphere turns overtly awkward.

Realisation dawns quickly on Liam’s face as he blushes fuchsia pink and mumbles a quiet ‘shit’, which in turn makes Harry blush – out of the dozens of songs he could have chosen _why_ did he think that one would be a wise choice.

“Uh- beer run” Harry squeaks awkwardly, slipping the guitar from off his neck and all but sprinting into the bungalow for a bit of reprieve; the sounds of Niall berating Liam trickling through the doors.

Harry barely has time to splash his face with some cold water before the back door opens and Louis slowly appears with wary eyes and his hands up in surrender.

“Hey, I just wanted to come and see if you were ok?” Louis’ voice is barely above a whisper and Harry wonders if he can feel the oxygen leaving the room too.

“Not really no… I-I don’t know if I can do this with you” he sniffles, rubbing over his stubble. “It’s too much”

Louis steps further into the room, closing the door behind him before releasing a shaky breath. “I want to help- I hate this, I hate what I’ve done. You’re too good for this Haz” he starts sniffling too, wiping at his watery eyes.

“I just don’t know how to be around you, I just want to go back before everything got complicated” in the open space of the kitchen, stood a mere metre apart Harry felt so small in comparison to Louis, the four inches height difference seemingly melting away.

“What- What can I do? I want to make it better, please”

“Tell me the truth Louis” Harry pleads. “I need to know what it was, what I was… what we were. I need to move on”

Harry knows the answer before Louis even opens his mouth, his head shaking woodenly “I-I don’t… I don’t know”

“Well come talk to me when you do know yeah?” and for the third time since arriving at the bungalow, Harry leaves without waiting for a reply, clutching a bottle of beer so tight his knuckles turn white.

The rest of the night continues on with a more than tense atmosphere, Harry makes it another two hours before it becomes too much and he excuses himself to bed, or well, the sofa at least. He pretends to be asleep when the other boys eventually filter in, nobody lingering too long for fear of waking him, and for at least an hour afterwards he waits to see if Louis will be brave enough to come and seek him out again. He doesn’t, and Harry doesn’t know whether he’s relieved or disappointed as he drifts off to sleep.

It’s not until Wednesday evening, three days later, when Louis finally approaches Harry again.

The last few days had passed in a blur of avoidance and frustration as Harry tried his best to stay out of Louis’ way and he does the same in return. He’d managed to settle into quite a good routine with the boys now and pretending Louis didn’t exist was just another part of this routine.

In the mornings him and Liam would go out for a run, both overly dressed for the June heat with hoods up and heads down, but they managed to go every morning without so much as a second glance from on lookers. When they returned, Niall would join them in the garden for some callisthenics before Louis and Zayn eventually surfaced in the early afternoon for a smoke. They pass the time by playing silly question games or by filling each other in on things they’ve missed, and, in the evening, they finish with a few beers and a round on the guitar, Harry keeping well clear of any of his own songs.

So, on Wednesday night, Harry is so very close to sleep when a finger pokes his cheek softly whilst whispering his name. At first, he thinks it’s a dream, hand lightly swatting at his cheek, but when it happens again, and the voice gets a little louder he can’t help but crack his eyes open slightly.

Louis is leaning over him, slightly amused look on his face, holding some clothes out to Harry as he gestures towards the front door. Without much thought, Harry does what he’s asked and follows Louis out into the night; sleepy state clearly weakening his avoidance capabilities.

It’s when Louis starts walking towards the fields beside the house that Harry starts to question what is happening. “What are we doing? Where are we going?” he hisses, jogging a few paces to catch up.

“Field” Louis shrugs so easily and thinks he may actually slap him.

“The field? That doesn’t really answer my question” he argues, watching exasperatedly as Louis stops a few metres into the field and plants himself on the floor, arms and legs sprawled out as he pat the floor next to him gesturing for Harry to sit down too.

“Don’t argue Haz, I just wanna talk yeah? Sit down for fucks sake” Louis orders, Harry grumbles but again he does as he’s told and sits crossed legged next to Louis.

Surprised at his rather calm composure and the fact his lungs haven’t decided to shrivel away yet, Harry stares down at Louis and waits for him to speak. This is the first time Harry truly lets himself look at Louis since meeting up, noting his hair is almost as long as it was on The X Factor, swept to the side with minimal effort or care. His eyelashes are settled delicately against the under-eye bags that seem to be ever present and his cheeks look a little sullen and underweight than Harry remembers, of course none of this takes away from how gorgeous Louis still is. _Objectively speaking_ Harry thinks.

“Me and Eleanor broke up” Louis blurts, wincing afterwards as if he hadn’t meant to actually reveal that. “I mean, we ended things about six months ago… the press and fans don’t seem to have noticed yet though, can’t say I’m surprised to be honest” he laughs a little but there’s no humour behind it.

“What’s that got to do with me?” and well, the question seems a stupid really but Harry’s more than a little bit confused.

“Everything and nothing I suppose” he shrugs, and Harry definitely wants to slap him now. “I’m a fucking idiot basically mate… been thinking about what you said the other night, ‘bout how you need answers? Fuck me too because looking back what a fucking twat I was to you”

Harry wants to interject but thinks better of it, gripping the grass a little tighter as he waits for Louis to continue.

“Like, right so, I’ve always been straight yeah? Always liked girls no matter how many people at school told me differently. But then, like, there was you right and… you were just, god, you lived inside me head absolutely rent free. All I could think of was you, it was a bit nuts really…

“Then we got closer and we started cuddling and all I could think of was how nice it would feel to kiss you. Then we started kissing and fucking hell, all of a sudden, I’m thinking about your dick? And to be honest I didn’t even freak out because it was _you_ and I was young and a fucking idiot. And then I met Eleanor, right?” he finally pauses to take a breath, and peeks through his eyelashes to make sure Harry is still listening before continuing.

“So, then I met El and I know it was wrong, but I loved her Harry, I did but I dunno… it wasn’t- It was like a relationship that I thought I’d have before all of this, stable with mediocre sex and a healthy amount of distaste for each other

“Then you told me how you felt, and I think that’s when it hit me like, fuck, what was I doing y’know? Well anyway I basically had this massive freak out to me mum on the phone, cried and whined asking what I should do; pretty sure I completely blind sighted her because for the first time in her life she literally had no words” he breathes a laugh, eyes squinting tightly.

“In the end I was a coward, I stayed with El because she was safe, and it didn’t- I didn’t have to change to be in love with her? I have no idea if this even makes sense to be honest. I thought me and you would grow out of it, I thought it was just a fluke infatuation thing we had with each other but fuck I couldn’t leave you alone and there you were just like, going along and indulging me and I should have been better” Louis sniffles a little and Harry can’t help but reach a tentative hand out to brush across his forearm, willing him to continue.

“None of it was your fault, me cheating and whatever. You told me how you felt, and I fully took advantage of it, had me cake and ate it n’ all that… I’ve obviously thought about it before this, like I’m not a complete idiot but I sort of believed you had got over it after a few months. You started seeing people and I did, and we were just in a- like a weird routine? 

“Even when we met up in LA that time, do you remember? It was just so easy to fall back into things with you, I had no idea how much all this had- had affected you… not really. Suppose that makes me an even bigger idiot eh? I’m really sorry Haz, for everything honestly. I-I’d quite like us to try and be friends again if you’d be ok with that? Just friends, like?”

Harry knows he is meant to respond, meant to have at least something to say to Louis but the words don’t come. He’s confused, thoughts unable to form into even slight coherency as he stares at Louis who had now shifted to a seating position, facing Harry earnestly.

“Haz?” Louis asks concerned; Harry’s sure he’s not even blinked since the other man stopped talking.

“I- I don’t know what to say” he mumbles honestly.

“That’s ok… I just want us to be friends again. I wanna do this reunion and I don’t want us, or well me, to be the reason you don’t do it. I’m sorry again” tentatively, Louis reaches over to pat his hand against Harry’s knee before he stands and offers out a hand. “We better get back inside, yeah?”

He blinks at the outstretched hand for a few seconds before cautiously accepting the extra help to stand, blushing when he almost topples them both over; he’d forgotten how much taller he was than Louis these days.

They don’t speak again, both tiptoeing inside the bungalow with heavy thoughts. It’s with a small wave that Louis leaves a stunned Harry on the sofa, trying to process the conversation whilst willing sleep to just come and take over.

There’s still questions, about feelings and the break up with Eleanor but not for the first time since arriving at the bungalow, Harry feels like another bag has been lifted from his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Going to stop promising days to get chapters up as I am clearly terrible at a schedule - sorry about that!!
> 
> Love x


	6. Chapter Six

_June 18 th, 2020 – Holmes Chapel, England_

“Then he just leaves me on the sofa, I-I didn’t even know what to say… I think I was in shock, is that possible?” Harry muses, watching as Dr Anderson smiles gently through the phone screen.

They were doing this week’s session via Zoom as Harry didn’t really fancy travelling to London and back just for an hour-long appointment; plus, he’s pretty sure Niall wouldn’t allow it anyway, terrified Harry would bolt at the first chance. Dr Anderson, Sally, had been happy to accommodate and was used to conducting sessions in this manor with other high-profile clients when they were off touring or acting or whatever.

Harry had set up camp in the garden, pulling the bistro table and chair that usually sat untouched on the front lawn around to the back of the house, as far back as the garden would allow. The boys had offered to vacate the bungalow and drive around for an hour but in all honesty that just gave everybody a bit of anxiety at the possibility of being seen. His mum had also offered up her house as a space to have the session however Harry knew she’d want to fuss over him and try to talk about it afterwards, so he’d coined the garden as the best bet.

Since Sally was bound by doctor-patient confidentiality and therefore couldn’t spill the beans on the supposed One Direction reunion, Harry had recounted the past few days happenings in near perfect detail. Every conversation and little glimpse between himself and Louis had been told, which in all honesty made Harry question things even more.

“And now that you’ve had time to think a little more? What are your thoughts now?” the doctors voice slightly crackled through the phone speakers. Now? What did Harry think now, he supposed that was the million-dollar question at the moment.

They were still skirting around each other at breakfast this morning, avoiding lingering glances or conversing directly but Louis had smiled as he’d passed Harry a glass of water and complimented his t-shirt – so there was that he supposed.

“I’m still confused” he answered a little dumbly. “What did he mean about his breakup with Eleanor and why did it have anything to do with me? Is he, like, bisexual or something? Did he actually think I’d just gotten over it so easily? Did he really not love me back?” the questions tumbled out one after another, only the tip of the iceberg compared to what Harry was actually thinking.

“I know you still have questions and I’m sure he’s now got a lot to think about too yeah? But I think you two seem to have made some great progress this week, already you seem a little brighter talking about this. I’m really happy you were not only able to speak your truth but also let Louis speak too. You two have almost a decade of unpacking to do, it’s not going to get better in a matter of days, don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by this. Just keep yourself open to conversation and keep that honesty with yourself _and_ Louis; don’t be afraid to ask him tough questions but respect his boundaries” he hummed along, feeling like the little pep talk was exactly what he needed. “Now, I want to sort of move away from Louis for the rest of this session if that’s alright?”

Harry frowned but nodded nevertheless, indicating for her to continue.

“Sexuality isn’t something we’ve really touched on yet, you’ve mentioned realising you were bisexual and coming out to your family in a couple of earlier sessions, but we’ve never spoken about how that has affected your career in a broader sense”

“Ok?” he asks confusedly, shifting a little uncomfortably on the iron garden bench.

“You’ve never publicly admitted to your sexuality, is this something you’ve ever thought of doing? Talk to me about it”

“I always wanted to just be honest, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or whatever but I wanted to be able to date who I wanted to” he shrugged, eyes focused on the blue hydrangea plant behind the propped up mobile than the actual device itself. “They- It was never in my contract that I was forbidden to date boys or come out, but I had such a tight image contract and they used to _heavily_ imply that it could ruin everything for us if I did. So, obviously I didn’t wanna be that guy y’know? I was terrified and there was four other people in it with me”

The doctor nodded sagely, giving him a chance to collect his thoughts and think about what he wanted to say next. Meanwhile Harry heard a series of shouts filter through the open window of the bungalow, the boys clearly getting far too into the Euro 2020 football match currently occupying the TV.

“After a while I just stopped thinking about it, it was just another part of the job really. I dated a couple of guys when we were in the band, but it was friends or friends of friends – people who wouldn’t sell me out” he took a deep breath to steady his voice, aware of his throat constricting slightly as it often did when he talked on this matter.

“When I went solo, it felt like I didn’t have anybody else relying on me then, it was just me, but I’m still not really interested in a big coming out. I like to keep private so I just let myself relax a little bit more, I dressed how I wanted to, and I can sing songs that obviously aren’t about girls and it feels really _really_ good to be able to do that… I’ve not really dated any guys since I went solo, but it’s been nice to know that even if I did, I could maybe relax a little more with them in public and stuff

“Did I even answer your question there? Sorry, you know I ramble” he blushes nervously, relaxing a little when the doctor only gives a warm smile in return.

“There’s no right or wrong Harry, it’s just me prompting and you saying whatever comes to your mind” he knows this but it’s nice to hear anyway. “Are you nervous that a potential reunion will mean you have to go back into this space?”

“Absolutely, between Louis and this I think it’s going to be a real struggle to go ahead… I’ve not even decided if I’m gonna for definite yet but like, I don’t feel like I can really say no to be honest – the others would be really crushed. Plus I do want to… I think”

“You always have a choice Harry but from what you’ve told me, the other boys seem accommodating and I’m sure they would be happy to make sure you’re more th an comfortable and ensure you’re not only willing but happy to do the reunion”

Thinking back to the conversation they’d had at Niall’s, Liam’s words ringing true in the moment ‘ _do it our way and right some wrongs’._

“Yeah, I think you’re right” Harry breathes quietly, butterflies seeming to come to life with the prospect that this was actually happening.

It was funny how in the space of a few weeks Harry was able to talk to this woman so openly, after spending years dodging questions and answering with half-truths, he’d expected it to be a lot harder to break down his walls and admit his deepest thoughts. In reality, Dr Anderson seemed to know exactly what words he needed before he did himself, always managing to quell any lingering anxiety easily.

“The conversations won’t be easy but standing your ground and making sure you’re all happy with the outcome will make you a million times happier in the end. We can pick this up next week, our time has come to an end but if ther-“

“Harry!” Niall was bellowing dramatically out of the window, Zayn’s arms trying to drag him back in with frustrated laughter. “It’s been an hour, we miss you” he howls before being replaced by an apologetic Liam who just waves awkwardly.

“Sorry about them, it’s like they’ve regressed into being teenagers” he giggles a little as he hears Niall cackling loudly.

“Oh no worries, Harry. You happy to end here for today? Nothing else you want to get out?”

“No, I-I actually feel really good. It was nice to get everything out to someone so thank you”

They made their final goodbyes and seemingly as soon as the call ended closed, the boys were piling out of the backdoor and bounding down the garden towards Harry. They all clambered over him with hearty laughter, even Louis joining in on ruffling his hair and pinching his cheeks. It was something they used to do when he really was the _baby_ of the group with wide eyes and chocolate ringlets, pretend to preen and fawn all over him as they pulled at his curls and made silly comments.

“Gerroff you lot” he huffs and straightens out his loose quaffed hair, unable to stop the giggles that follow his fake anger.

“Good session?” Zayn asks cooly.

“Yeah, really good actually” Harry pulls himself off the bench and throws himself onto Liam’s back, arms and legs ridiculously too long to be doing so but neither of them seems to care.

They eventually all make their way into the bungalow and discuss their plans for the evening, it’s a little rudimentary since they don’t really have many options however they all agreed a night away from anything alcoholic would probably do them all some good.

It’s an hour later when Anne calls, asking if she’s alright to pop round and make the boys some dinner – which of course they hastily agree too. It’s not like they’d been eating badly per se but the thought of someone else doing the cooking and eliminating the bickering and arguing that generally went with making dinner made the whole thing a little more appealing.

At 5pm when Anne arrives, the boys have tidied to the best of their ability and had thrown Febreze across any soft surface – including a napping Zayn. She’s laden with various Tupperware dishes, the makings of fajitas carefully spread out into individual packages and it doesn’t take long until they are each assigned a job to do whilst she cooks the meat and veggies.

Zayn is put on cheese grating duty as she trusts him not to start throwing it around the kitchen, Liam and Niall are put on beverage duty and carefully go about pouring glasses of various soft drinks into glasses. Harry was assigned setting the table with placemats and he made sure to embellish with a couple of flowers from the garden. When she turned to Louis, Anne just smiled warmly and informed him his only job was to fill her in on how his various siblings were getting on because ‘ _honestly love you’re shocking in the kitchen’._

Dinner itself was a fun affair, his mum making sure to ask all of the boys about their solo-careers and crooned over various baby pictures (and scan pictures) from Liam, Louis and Zayn as Harry and Niall shared a fond eye-roll. Afterwards they all insisted on doing the washing up and formed a little production line whilst Anne carried on chatting away, deep in conversation with Zayn about some piece of art or ark or harp; Harry wasn’t really paying attention.

Harry pouted when his mum eventually come to leave, insisting she had to be up early for her morning walk with Viv, and all of the boys mercilessly ribbed him for it – his mum joining in a little too before pulling him into a tight hug. Before she leaves, she forces them all to pile together on the sofa for a picture; unable to believe it’s the first photo of all five of them together in over five years. 

They eventually end up back outside, sprawled across the grass as they make idle chatter whilst Niall badgers each of them into a _‘Which Member of One Direction Are You’_ quiz he’s found online. The accuracy of such test is debated when only Zayn actually manages to get himself, Harry just grumbles at the fact they still reference Taylor Swift is his ex-girlfriend; _‘We were actually just friends! We kissed like twice’ ‘Oh my god we know!’._

“D’ya think we’re mad for even considering doing this again?” Zayn asks gently, testing the waters with clear apprehension.

“Mad if we do, mad if we don’t to be honest” Liam agrees with a shrug, earning a nod from Niall.

“I’m fucking petrified” Harry admits honestly. “Being here has been good I think, nice to reconnect and stuff but it’s a bit different to actually being back working together”

“That’s why we’re gonna be careful with management and contracts and stuff, nobody is gonna get fucked over this time I promise. We all just need to be honest about what we want. We’ll all sit down tomorrow and talk about it yeah?” Niall speaks with such confidence Harry can do little else but shrug and share a nervous glance with Zayn.

Fraught with anticipation of what’s to come, Harry only manages two hours of sleep that evening, tossing and turning on the sofa all the way up until Liam arises at six for their morning run. Sticking to their little morning routine helps Harry focus on things that aren’t band or Louis related, although it’s hard to banish them completely considering present company.

After lunch, they gather around the table outside and Niall’s managed to find a couple of pieces of scrap paper to scribble some notes on. “Alright, who’s starting then? Only gonna work if we’re all honest…” he says, making a point of looking to Zayn and Harry.

“I’ve got a few” Zayn starts, running a hand over his newly shaved head. “Obviously the baby is due in October, so I want to be there with Gi for the birth and afterwards too – like paternity leave” this earns a series of nods because of course nobody was going to rob him of this.

He goes on to recount the rest of his terms and Harry is somewhat surprised to find that nobody objects to anything, in fact they’re points that he would have made himself had he gone first. The other main condition to Zayn signing on the dotted line is that their schedule is _nothing_ like it was the first time around, never having time to just relax and enjoy what was happening not only ruined a lot of the experience but also took its toll on their mental and physical health. A more relaxed approach was definitely something all of them were happy to agree to.

“Ok me next!” Liam grins excitedly. “Definitely agree with everything Zayn said, I need to make sure I get to London regularly to see Bear too so that’s my first thing. Then I want us to do more as a band, like maybe get dinner or breakfast with each other when we’re working? Just be friends and do _friend_ things together that aren’t for millions of people to watch on YouTube. I know we don’t all have a tonne in common, but it’d be nice to spend more time together” he shrugs and laughs a little.

“Great one Liam” Niall praises, jotting down the point onto the now half-full paper. “Lou?”

“Right yeah, suppose the only thing I wanna add is about music. Which, like, we’ve not really talked about if we’re gonna release anything new but if we do, I want it to be actually ours. Something the five of us have written and can be proud of yeah? We’ve all got our own solo style, but I think we could put something proper sick together” he earns a fist-bump from Zayn and a polite hum of approval from Harry, who goes a little dizzy when suddenly everyone turns to look at him.

“Er well- I” he fumbles for a minute, trying to think of any of the valid points he’d come up with last night. “I don’t want- I’d quite like to… I don’t wanna wear skinny jeans” he blurts, blushing profusely when the others can’t help but break into amused giggles.

“Well lads it looks like the reunion is off” Louis teases, doing his best faux-devastated face. “I can’t work with such a diva”

“Shurrup” Harry mumbles. “I just mean I like who I am on stage and stuff now, I don’t wanna have to be like put back in clothes that aren’t me. We had such a shit image contract, I was basically terrified of even breathing wrong, so like I don’t want that again. I mean, I don’t wanna come out or anything, but I don’t wanna be in either? Does that make sense? I’m rambling”

“Haz, chill. It’s just us yeah mate? Whatever you want we’re here for you” Zayn reaches over the table to pat his hand comfortingly. “I agree there though, I want to not to have to worry about swearing or hiding the fact I’m high as fuck”

“Ok so think we’re all in agreement we need to be allowed more freedom with our image yeah?” Niall confirms, earning eager nods from the other four. “Anything else Harry?”

“Um, I agree with like the music thing too? And I suppose this is maybe getting ahead of things but like, interviews used to be awful back then I think we should be more selective if that’s alright?” it feels like a small thing but Harry knows the toll a bad interview can take on his mental health. “Like no Howard Stern” he adds on, face crinkling in disgust out of instinct.

“Howard Stern?” Liam asks.

“He’s a cunt” Louis spits before looking shyly to Harry and blushing. “I mean- I caught some of his interview with you and like, he’s a proper cunt. So no, I don’t think we’ll be having anything to do with him”

Harry can do little else but nod slowly and ignore the small smirk Niall currently has aimed his way because there’s just the slight chance that Louis has been keeping tabs on Harry. And he’s not really sure how to feel about that, or how he should feel.

“Alright lads, anything else?” Niall taps the pen against the paper which is now full of their words, thoughts and feelings on how this is going to be better this time around. They each confirm they’re happy with what they have so far and of course, there’s so many finer details to go over but it feels like the foundations have been lay.

With big plans to watch John Wick for the second time that week, they start to fall back into the bungalow, already arguing about who’s turn it was to make dinner. Liam loses this one.

“Lou, can you maybe stay out here for a bit? I just wanna talk for five” he tries to ignore the looks Liam and Zayn are shooting his way and, again, the dumb smile Niall is giving him, focusing on the way Louis winces slightly before sitting back down in the seat opposite Harry. They wait for the others to go inside, the door doesn’t fully close but they’re probably far enough away that the conversation can’t be overheard.

“What’s up?” Louis looks jittery, fingers thrumming against the dark wood of the table and leg bobbing around underneath.

Harry tried to remember what Dr Anderson had told him only the day before, something about being open but respecting boundaries. “I speak to my therapist about you” is what actually comes out, probably not a line that anybody wants to hear.

Louis doesn’t say anything, face unchanged from its nervous disposition so Harry carries on. “She’s helping me work through stuff, should have probably done it before now if I’m honest but… yeah. Anyway, she told me that I need to carry on being honest with you and ask questions but that I shouldn’t push if you don’t want to answer. Respect boundaries and all” he can’t help but feel like she put it a lot more eloquently.

“Ok” the older boy coughs out. “Sounds reasonable I suppose”

“Yeah she’s a very lovely lady, has a cat named Rollo” he notes for no particular reason. “I’m getting off track, I-I just want to say I still have a lot of questions about what you said the other day and I know it’s probably gonna like, not be easy to answer them but if we’re gonna do this then I need to be able to be within a few feet of you without feeling like I’m gonna have a breakdown and I think the only way for that to happen is to get it all out there”

“You’re gonna have a breakdown” is what Louis replies and if Harry wasn’t actually on the verge of a breakdown then he’d probably crack a joke.

“Pretty much any time you’re near me” he admits, feeling very vulnerable all of a sudden.

“Why” Louis frowns and Harry can’t help but let out a burst of nervous laughter.

“You are joking right? I was in love with you for years, you broke my heart, we still fooled around, millions of people watch our every move, we’re in a world-famous boyband together, I don’t think I know how to be around you and not be in love with you anymore” rattling off the key points clearly took Louis by surprised as he let out a stuttered yelp half way through.

“Look Harry I-“

“We don’t have to talk now, just soon please. I can’t sign a contract until I feel better about spending time with you… and unless you want Niall to murder you in your sleep, I think you can answer a few of my questions yeah?” the last part is a weak attempt at humour, but Louis does seem to pale a little at the notion so Harry counts it as a win.

With a weak nod he seems to concede defeat and Harry can’t help but feel he has the upper hand as they slink back into the bungalow to relish in the cinematic greatness that is John Wick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated! x


	7. Chapter Seven

_June 17 th, 2020 – London, England_

The days following Harry’s return from the bungalow are fairly uneventful, the peace of his vast home was simultaneously welcome and hideously boring. Almost immediately after leaving Liam’s car on Sunday, Zayn created a WhatsApp group which he kindly named ‘4 Losers & Zayn’ before Niall immediately renamed it ‘3 Losers & Ziall’ which nobody had bothered to change since. The group picture changed almost hourly over the course of the day, everybody taking it in turns to change it to the funniest picture of somebody else until finally it rests on a screenshot of them singing Viva La Vida on X Factor (Harry shudders every time he sees it).

The group meant they rarely went longer than a few hours without interacting, mostly just sending each other memes or little notes throughout the day they’d found amusing. Harry sends them a pun every morning and Louis always responds with a gif of different cats rolling their eyes, he tries not to read too much into it. Niall also liked to send in various tweets or Instagram posts that speculated on a potential 10-year reunion, it seems the entire fandom was convinced they were going to announce their official end on the 23rd July which provided them with no end of jokes.

The chat also meant Harry had all four of the boy’s numbers for the first time in almost five years and in-turn they had his. They were putting in an effort that definitely wasn’t there towards the end of their time together; he’d get a message from Zayn about a book that Harry may enjoy or a thought he had whilst stoned, Liam would send over screenshots of his workout times and Niall would send an abnormal amount of voice notes containing everything from short guitar riffs to full on laughing fits to serious questions on Harry’s wellbeing.

Louis had yet to text Harry privately, interactions limited to gifs and quick responses for the other boys to read over too. Harry hadn’t felt the need to message him privately either, not really sure what they would talk about or if it was appropriate at all considering when they left the bungalow Louis had retreated back into his shell and went back to barely even looking at Harry.

So, on Wednesday after Harry had nipped to his local Tesco for some shopping and stopped off at a café for a latte, he almost had a coronary when he seen Louis had messaged him.

Louis: ‘ _I think we should talk, somewhere they can’t gawk. Do you know a space, perhaps your place?’_

The rhyming thing was something they used to do when they first got into song writing, Louis had announced one day that he was only going to text in rhymes from now on as it made him a better writer and if you wanted a reply you’d better also rhyme. Obviously, Harry was the only one who adhered to this ridiculous request, texting him immediately saying _‘just a note, please buy me a boat’._ It took an inordinate amount of time for them to stop actually communicating in this way, Harry having _RhymeZone.com_ bookmarked for almost a year before Louis got bored and discovered emojis were ‘funner’ than rhymes.

After getting over the initial shock of Louis actually texting him, it sinks in what his text actually means. Louis wants to meet. Louis wants to meet and talk. Louis wants to meet and talk with Harry. Louis wants to meet and talk with Harry at his house.

Harry would never admit how long it actually took him to come up with a reply, far too long spent flicking between the messages and google as he tried to find a suitable rhyme. Then wondering why, he was bothering to find a rhyme at all and contemplating just send a standard text.

In the end he goes with the following: _‘I think you may be right, is 7pm alright? Come around to the side gate, I promise I won’t be late’_

Glancing at the clock, Harry realises he’s only actually got two hours to prepare for Louis to arrive and he ponders on what prepare actually means. The house is tidy, there’s plenty of food in the fridge and he showered this morning; not that Louis would be getting close enough to see if he had showered or not, but still.

Determined to not just sit around debating whether or not this was a bad idea, Harry head into the garden to do some weeding and repotting, the tomato starters were finally ready to move into the garden from the greenhouse which is something he was extremely proud of. It was soothing to be out in the fresh air, light traffic noise floating in from the road as he tried to focus on nothing but nature. This was the first time in a long while he’d been able to actually plant some fruit and veg without the fear of it dying whilst he was on tour and he was determined to have a successful harvest.

It was the distant sound of the gate buzzer that alerted him to the time eventually and luckily, he was in the middle of putting the various tools and spare pots back into the shed so it wasn’t a trek back to the security system to check who it was. The cameras showed a car he didn’t recognise, a blacked-out Audi SUV sat with the bumper just grazing the gates and for a moment Harry almost forgot that he was actually expecting someone. That was until the person in question stuck his middle finger up at the camera, making it clear that it was indeed Louis.

Harry wasted no time buzzing him into the garden, making sure the gates were closed firmly behind the car before he actually went and met the other boy. Louis stepped out looking flustered, giving Harry a signal to wait a moment before he moved towards the boot of the car and opened it up, allowing two dogs to come barrelling out directly towards Harry.

“Cliff! Bruce! Come!” Louis barked with clear frustration, the smaller blonde one immediately stopped and returned to Louis’s side whilst the gangly black one carried on in a beeline for Harry.

Harry didn’t really process what was happening. A quite large very fluffy, black dog was bounding towards him at what could only be described as lightspeed, meaning he didn’t have much time to brace for impact before the dog was up on its hind legs and knocking Harry to the grass with a thud.

“Oh my god mate I’m so sorry, he’s not usually- well I mean he’s quite a handful yeah but like, Jesus Christ Clifford get off him mate” Louis appeared over Harry, having the decency to look embarrassed as he pulled the dog from Harry’s stunned body.

It’s when the dog, Cliff, broke free from Louis once more and proceeded to start licking at Harry’s neck that he couldn’t help but start laughing, scrambling to get up off the floor and away from the playful attack from the overexcited brute. Louis eventually manages to get him on a lead and gives them both some sort of treat to occupy their time.

“Again, sorry mate. I wasn’t gonna bring them but then I didn’t know how long this would go on for and I didn’t think you would mind? And then they gave me this fucking look as I was leaving, really sorry I really should have asked you” he reaches down to pet them both as he speaks, neither bothering to look up from their treat.

“No no, don’t worry about it. Let’s go to the kitchen first yeah…” Harry starts to make his way to the door, not bothering to wait and see if Louis was following until…

“Harry mate are you wearing neon yellow Crocs?”

Harry immediately blushes and looks down to see that yes, he did forget to change out of his footwear before Louis came over – brilliant – at least the black shorts and white t-shirt that accompanied them were unassuming. “Er I like to garden in them?” he mumbles, waving a hand through the air to banish the conversation before continuing to the pub door. It seems to work as Louis shrugs and follows silently behind, the two dogs following curiously.

“I didn’t know if you’d want food or whatever, so I’ve not made anything but I’m happy to cook if you’re hungry?” Harry babbles a little as he leads them into the kitchen, turning to face Louis once they’re in the room.

Louis is planted in the doorway eyeing the space carefully, dogs sniffing around at his feet as his eyes flit across the exposed wooden shelves and eggshell blue cabinets, landing finally on Harry who was leaning against the island for a little moral support. Louis had been to his house before, years prior but there had been a lot of remodelling done since and the way he eyed everything so intently made Harry shiver with insecurity.

“I like this kitchen better than your Malibu one… This one’s like old Harry” Louis muses, smiling softly at the wall filled with various pictures of family and friends. “You don’t have to cook though honestly, I’ll call at McDonalds on the way home or something”

“Don’t be an idiot, I’ll make spaghetti!” Harry exclaims slightly maniacally, desperate to so something other than gape at Louis and try to decipher what his words mean. _Old Harry…_ what is that supposed to mean.

“Well you know it’s me fave, I’m not gonna turn that down” Louis laughs softly, and Harry can tell he’s a little nervous, shuffling towards the small wooden table and chairs in the corner of the room.

“Dogs!” Harry squeaks after a moment of watching Louis trying to make Clifford sit. “I’ll get them a blanket, the wooden floor can’t be comfortable” he dithers, looking for the picnic blanket tucked into a cupboard before laying it out carefully and petting it softly for the dogs, who flop down happily.

“Thanks” Louis breathes, like he too is finding being here together a dizzying mix of old and new, familiar and distant. “There was nobody outside at the gate by the way, so like… yeah” he adds after a moment and Harry replies with only a nod.

They don’t speak whilst Harry makes a start on dinner, using the hole of the spaghetti spoon to perfectly portion the pasta before meticulously cutting the various vegetables that would make up the sauce. Louis doesn’t stay sat at the table long, choosing to wander around the kitchen and look at the various photos and knick-knacks Harry has laying around, much like he did in Malibu.

“I’ve never seen this picture before” Louis asks, pointing to one of the frames that hung on the vast white wall.

Harry turns down the heat on the stove and makes his way over to the picture in question, stopping a foot or so behind Louis. The picture in question is of the five of them spread out on some grass, Harry thinks they were in Paris, but he can’t be sure, they’re in a loose circle all laughing about something or other, unaware they were even being recorded. “I got it from Ben, it’s from when we were doing the movie. Think it’s a still from the unused footage or something… they have a tonne of stuff that they didn’t use”

“That’s cool” Louis nods before whirling around, clearly not realising Harry was stood so closely as they clashed together. “Uh… oops” he offers embarrassedly, forcing an awkward belt of laughter out of Harry.

“Would you like a wine or beer or something?” Harry enquires, moving back to the simmering saucepan whilst trying to ignore the way his inner voice was screaming at him to get it together.

“I’ll get it, what you want?” Louis waves Harry off and makes his way over to the fridge without hesitation, it’s an odd gift of his that he always manages to look at home wherever he is.

“I’ll just have a water please, there should be some water bottles in there somewhere… get a bowl for the dogs if you want too, they’re just in that cupboard” he gestures to one of the lower cupboards without turning away from the stovetop.

“Thanks”

“No worries”

Silence.

If Louis was implying there was an old and a new Harry, then the same could definitely be said for himself. There was _Old Louis_ who never allowed for a subdued mood or lull in conversation, always having something interesting or funny or infuriating to say to get everyone thinking again. _New Louis_ was quiet and introspective, his silences were longer than the time he spent speaking these days and it was something Harry knew the other boys had picked up on last week too. Change over a decade was to be expected, the growth of a person from 18 to 28 was massive and Louis was no exception, but it seemed more than just the standard evolution of a person.

It’s when they’re sat across from each other, about to take his first bite of spaghetti that Harry remembers why Louis is actually here in his kitchen and he promptly lowers his fork, stomach starting to churn. Louis is already at least three forkfuls in, chewing like there’s no tomorrow whilst also giving both dogs a reassuring pat as he does.

“Eat” Louis insists, pointing his fork over to Harry’s plate with his eyebrows raised. “I’ll talk you eat”

“Ok” he forces himself to start on the spaghetti, chewing for an unnecessary amount of time before repeating the process again, in waiting for Louis to speak.

“I know you’ve got questions and like, I’m really trying to be honest and I want to help you I do but I can’t promise I’ll answer them all right now if that’s alright? Same goes for you, one step at a time. Ask me whatever and we’ll see where we get to”. Harry nods meekly and takes another small bite of his food, unsure where to start.

Another beat passes before he bites the bullet and asks. “What happened with Eleanor?”

“We’d been growing apart again, same as last time. Then it was just after Christmas, she was proper whining about something, and I just thought what the fuck am I doing here. Why am I listening to you talk shit when I would literally rather be anywhere else” he laughed, clearly enough time having passed that this wasn’t a sore subject. “I felt like I was with her for the wrong reasons, not because she made me happy and, in the end, I just had enough. I should know better than most that life’s short, what is the point in me staying with someone because it’s convenient and comfortable?”

“Yeah, yeah you’re right” Harry nods despite this not being the answer he was looking for, letting one of the dog’s paw at his foot from under the table.

“Suppose you’re not asking about that, though are you?” Louis quirks his lips and Harry blushes, as if he’d read his mind.

“She… She could never understand me and you. Could never understand why we were so close or why I obviously treat you different from the other lads, I think on some level she knew there was something going on, but she was either in denial or didn’t really care enough to ask” he shrugged. “Before we broke up the first time, we used to have these fucking massive arguments over you… people sending her clips of our interviews or on stage highlighting how obvious it was I should be with you and not her”

“That’s why you made us stop being… in public?” Harry doesn’t even recognise his own voice in that moment, heart thrumming heavily in his ears as he tries to absorb every moment of this conversation.

“Partly yeah… I’m sorry” he nods. “I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought that I was doing right by someone I loved but really I- well yeah. I put up all these walls because I thought it’s what I was supposed to do, and I thought it’s what I wanted but- but it wasn’t, and I regret it…

“I think when we got back together, I always resented her for making me choose and putting me in a position where I felt like I was wronging her for interacting with you in public, it was ridiculous really. No matter how much I tried to forget it was always there in the back of my mind” Louis huffs, pushing his fringe out of his eyes.

“Why did you carry on then... with me I mean. Why not just stop messing around with me?” as soon as the question is out there, Harry regrets asking, almost positive the answer won’t be something he wants to hear.

Louis doesn’t answer at first, just releases a light breathy laugh and looks at Harry with such intensity it makes his toes curl. “Harry, don’t you think I tried? I meant what I said the other night, I couldn’t leave you alone… I-I just couldn’t” it’s not an answer Harry expected, it’s barely an answer at all but it will suffice for now until Louis feels like diving deeper.

“Did you really think I’d gotten over you? That I’d moved on?” Harry asks next, voice strained as he eyes the half full plate of spaghetti in front of him.

“Yes and no” Louis mumbles and, well, Harry didn’t really expect that.

“I’d pretend that you’d moved on, I’d hear that you’d gone on a date or got with some girl and force myself to think you were over it because I was driving myself mad with… yeah, but then you’d say something or do something that made it so clear you hadn’t moved on; it was obvious… I mean you literally wear your heart on your sleeve” he smiles wryly, hand loosely flailing in the air.

They eat for a few moments in silence, Bruce getting up to sniff around for a few seconds before collapsing back down next to his companion. Harry tries to power through the churning in his stomach, continuing to take small mouthfuls of the spaghetti and reminding himself to breathe deeply.

“I feel like I should say… I meant what I said about always liking girls before you. Even after we stopped- yeah, I’ve never really looked at another bloke and thought what it would be like to _be_ with him. You confuse me so much, you made me question everything I’ve ever known about myself; do you know how terrifying that is to go through?” Louis was all but whispering now.

“When you told me how you felt, I had a choice to make. On one hand I had this girl who I could see myself loving and she was everything I ever thought my life would be and on the other I had you, my best mate who made me feel so… different and terrified. Then there was the band and the other boys and millions of eyes watching our every move Haz. I-I Jesus Christ. You were always so brave, so so brave and sure of what you wanted in life-“

“Me? Brave?”

Louis laughed incredulously, blushing slightly. “You’re so confident in who you are and what you like it’s a bit intimidating to be honest. When I said I took the cowards way out with El, I did for a lot of reasons. One being I didn’t want to jeopardise the band or our success because we were, well whatever we were.

“When you told me that you loved me, I was genuinely shocked. Up until then I thought we were just having a bit of fun, that it meant nothing serious – I definitely didn’t think about what it meant for like… my sexuality? It sounds so fucking stupid looking back, genuinely idiotic when you think about how we used to act with each other, there’s just no way there wasn’t more.

“I felt like all of a sudden you loved me and there was the possibility that this might be more than just two mates fucking about and that’s when I had a crisis call with me mum. Like I said, I didn’t have to change to be with El, I could just carry on being straight Louis and nobody would question it or think of me any different” he finishes with a shrug and Harry gets the sense there’s a little more to the story.

“Go on” he prompts, willing Louis to actually get to the end of his point.

“But” he pauses, turning to face the vast window that sat across the opposite wall. “When I looked at my options, it wasn’t just my best friend and a girl I could love… it was a girl I could love and a boy I could love”

The revelation hit Harry like an anvil, every last bit of breath rushed from his lungs all at once and resulted in a low choking sound. _A boy I could love_ seemed to replay in Harry’s mind on repeat, each time slower and slower until eventually the word _love_ was just floating there. _Love._ It was vibrating around his skull like a foreign concept, unable to comprehend the meaning when presented in such a way.

Louis barely gives him a moment before he’s taking a shaky breath and continuing. “You were the first person I knew who wasn’t straight. I never had a problem with it growing up on tele or anything, but I didn’t see it in my real life, so me being anything but straight wasn’t something I thought about. Clearly though I’m a fucking idiot”

Harry couldn’t help but let out a nervous bout of laughter at the last part of his monologue, clapping a hand over his mouth when he realised how rude it may look. Thankfully Louis didn’t seem offended and instead followed with his own quiet giggle, the tension in the air making them both sound a little maniacal.

“It’s taken me years, like ten fucking years to even question what we were… who I am. I always had a distraction like a girl or the band or whatever, I never had to face it like this before… I’m literally terrified Harry” Louis started sniffling before Harry could really register what was going on, quickly jumping out of his chair and skirting around the table to pull Louis into an awkward one-armed hug.

Harry wanted to be mad, wanted to shout about how unfair everything turned out to be but the sheer distress in Louis’ voice seemed to banish this away. Louis stayed rigid under Harry’s arm, but he persisted anyway, tightening his grip when Louis’ cries evolved into something deeper.

“You were my best friend Haz, my band mate. I’m confused and sad and angry, you should hate my guts for what I’ve put you through. Fucking hell, you loved me- you loved me so much and I was such a fucking coward and didn’t face any of my feelings and- and now what? I’m a wreck, you feel like you’re going to have a breakdown every time you’re near me. Jesus Christ, I should have let Zayn beat me that night like he-“

“I don’t hate you” Harry interrupts quietly, moving into the seat next to the older man. “I’m not sure I could hate you. I loved you Lou, not just like, in a romantic way either. I loved you as a friend and all I wanted was you to be honest with me, all I needed was the truth and maybe I should have done things differently and no-“

“No Harry, this is all me. It isn’t your fault none of it alright?” Louis frowns slightly, eyes staring at Harry intently until one of the dogs shifted on the blanket beneath them, pulling his attention away.

“No, no I don’t think so… but I’m starting to understand more now, thank you” Harry gives a watery smile before deciding he can’t stand the sight of cold spaghetti any longer, moving the plates onto the kitchen island before turning back to Louis. “We- we can be friends, right? Like, you want to be friends with me?”

“Course we can, I’ve missed having you as my mate… although I’m afraid I’m not as well dressed as your other friends, am I allowed to wear trackies in your presence or is it just flares now?” Louis grins cheekily, his eyes are still a little red from the crying, but his shoulders have relaxed which Harry takes as a good sign.

And for the first time in years, Harry looks Louis in the eye and doesn’t feel the crippling fear or raging anxiety that used to consume his emotion. The air isn’t trapped in his lungs, blood isn’t rushing past his ears and Harry’s not sure if he’ll ever stop having questions and he’s certain things will never get back to how they used to be, but a new tentative friendship is blossoming which is more than he thought was capable a month or even week ago.

Louis doesn’t linger after the heavy conversation has lifted, making excuses about getting the dogs back home like they are children in need of their own bed and Harry doesn’t protest, needing what’s left of the late evening to process what had just happened. They say their farewells with the promise to see each other on Friday at Niall’s for ‘Lads & Legals’ where they’d have their first official meeting with Jeff to sign the official documents to take _Modest!_ and _Syco_ out of the picture; or ‘a step in the right direction’ as Liam quipped.

It was early morning when Harry finally succumbed to sleep, his king bed encompassing him like a soft, relaxing cocoon. He dreams of floating in the ocean, of letting warm sapphire waters engulf his body and carrying him home.

xXx

When Harry awoke the next morning it was almost 11am and there was a dull ache set deep in his muscles that came with the heavy state of sleep he’d been in, he hadn’t woken up this late in quite some time but figured a break in routine wouldn’t be so bad for just one day.

Due at Sally’s house for his next session in just over an hour, he goes about getting ready for the day and tried to block out any thoughts of Louis until he was back in the chair with somebody he could speak too – afraid that he’d start to spiral again if he dwelled alone. A hot shower went some ways to relieving the tension in his body, he stood stood under the spray for much longer than necessary watching the water skim across his skin and onto the white-tiled floor beneath.

Eventually Harry managed to pull himself from the shower and the cool air of the bathroom was welcome against his flush skin as he wrapped a towel around his hips. Looking in the mirror he pondered over whether or not it was time for a haircut, the short quiff had grown out since he’d returned to London with 90s-esque curtains in its place. Then there was the matter of his now prominent moustache and beard, it had overgrown past the point of stubble however he found it didn’t look all that bad – maybe he’d keep the longer haired look for a bit longer.

By the time he’d gotten around to drying his hair and pulling on some clothes, he had only twenty minutes to make it over to the doctors’ house on time and all but sprinted to the car. London traffic was kind for once, Harry ever grateful they had their sessions midday on a Thursday, the streets lacking the usual intensity that usually radiates.

He pulled onto the driveway with two minutes to spare, waiting for a couple of women with pushchairs to pass before he scurried up the short pathway to the front door. As ever, Sally opened it immediately and allowed Harry to enter her home before going about their usual chit chat as they gathered a beverage and got settled onto the sofa; he was glad to see both Rollo and the fan present.

“So, Harry. A lot has happened since I actually seen you last! You look taller, you’re like my boys I feel like they grow an inch every time they come around” she comments fondly, shuffling to get comfortable in the opposite chair with her usual black leather notebook.

“You have sons?” Harry asks, noting for the first time he actually doesn’t know anything but her name and professional credentials, there aren’t many personal items laying around the room they usually sit in.

“Four boys and two girls” her smile transforms into a laugh once she sees Harry’s stunned expression.

“That’s lovely, I’d love a big family like that” he admits truthfully, unable to stop the grin forming in reciprocation to her laugh.

“I thought that, then we went for our fourth and ended up with triplets! I don’t think I knew left from right for the first six years of their life, a blessing but oh my what a handful”

“Wow, triplets” Harry says aghast. “Louis has two sets of twins as siblings, but I don’t think I’ve ever met triplets” he adds for no particular reason, mind trying to recall if he had indeed met a triplet.

“Ah yes Louis, why don’t you fill me in how everything that’s happened this last week yeah?” and Harry took that to mean their small talk portion of the session was over.

Harry went over their last couple of days at the bungalow, everything fairly uneventful as they spent time with the boys watching football and lounging around the garden, not actively engaging in any direct conversation with each other. He spoke of the gentle ultimatum – if ultimatums could indeed be gently – he’d given Louis regarding the bands reunion before transitioning into last night, recounting their conversation in as much detail as possible.

The doctor listened intently, occasionally adding a line or two to her notebook but generally her eyes were locked on Harry, not in an overtly tense or serious manner, just enough for him to know that she was there and listening to him. There was a brief moment where he considered maybe it wasn’t right for him to be talking about Louis’ sexuality and feelings to an outsider but figured Sally could be trusted and it was her job to listen to whatever Harry had to say, even if most of it was about Louis.

“It seems a lot has happened since we last spoke Harry, you boys move so fast” she smiled, flicking back a page or two in her book. “It seems like he’s making a real active effort to put things right with you, how does that make you feel?” the question was a cliché but valid in this context Harry supposed.

“I-I actually feel better about things, I feel like I should be taking longer to process things or asking more questions but right now I feel good. I think I’ve spent so long wondering if I’ll get closure and if I’d ever be able to move on that it feels weird it’s starting to happen, like it’s too soon? Even though it’s been like… however many years now” Harry reaches for his water on the coffee table, being careful not to disrupt Rollo who was nestled at his feet and making the most of the cool fan air.

“And that’s what you think is happening? You’re starting to get over Louis?”

“Well, yeah? Why do you think I’m not?” Harry’s eyes go wide in a moment of insecurity, trying to feel out any sort of emotion on the doctors’ face.

“I think if you say you’re starting to get over him then I have no reason to believe you’re lying” she pauses, pursing her lips slightly. “But if I was to ask you how you felt about Louis now? What would you say? Would you say you still love him?

Harry opened his mouth to answer a quick ‘ _absolutely_ _not’_ but snapped it shut when Dr Anderson shot him an expectant look, as if she knew he’d just be replying on instinct and not stopping to think. Instead he took a moment to ponder the question, did he love Louis?

“I think I still love him… but not in the way that I used to, if that makes sense? I love him because he was my first love and even if he did fuck me up a bit I’m starting to understand _why._ But really, I don’t know him, I don’t know who he is anymore… he’s changed a lot and so have I so… I don’t think I see him in a romantic sense…” he trails off and his mind lingers on whether or not that’s a true statement, thinking it should be a lot more cut and dry than it is.

“And what about your other comment that you think it should take you longer to get over your relationship?” she moves away from the love topic which Harry is grateful for although he knows they’ll circle back eventually.

“I spent the best part of ten years loving and pining and being angry at him, don’t you think I should take a little longer to I don’t know… process and hold a grudge” and ok, saying it out loud may sound slightly petty but the doctor doesn’t waiver.

“Do you want to hold a grudge?” she asks, tone neutral although a little glint in her eye suggests she’s slightly surprised at Harry’s statement.

“Well… no but…” he huffs, feeling very much like a child who’d just been scolded by his mum. “I get your point, maybe I’m being petty and over-thinking, but I don’t want it to be _easy_ for him either. If I just try to be his friend again then doesn’t that make me a bit of a push over?”

_Push over._ Amongst family and friends, it could definitely be said Harry was a push over, all too happy to bow out of decision making so somebody could get their preference over his own. It wasn’t as if people were walking all over him, but it was clear he was a people pleaser, all too willing to make others happy.

“Forgiveness isn’t something that comes easy to a lot of people Harry, trust me. If you can find it in your heart and mind to even start to forgive Louis, then I urge you to move towards this. You shouldn’t hold a grudge or be angry about things just because you think it’s too quick, but at the same time it’s ok to have moments of anger or frustration going forwards yeah? Healing, recovery, moving forward in life isn’t a straight line; there are ups, downs, turns and breaks but as long as you keep pushing on, you’ll be ok yeah?” he nods sincerely, almost feeling embarrassed for even suggesting he should act so childishly.

“Also, I just want to point out something else you said about this not being easy for Louis. He told you last night about him struggling with his sexuality and who he is, that’s not an easy road to walk Harry and I’m sure you know that. Not everybody is confident in who they are or has a positive experience coming to terms with this, just something to consider” the doctor finished with a gentle smile and although her tone was pleasant the words made Harry feel sick.

He hadn’t even considered that side of things, how could he be so stupid? Louis himself had cried and spoke of how terrified he was and here’s Harry saying he didn’t want to make life easy for him, like it would make him happy to know he was struggling. The thought made him feel a little queasy, colour surely draining from his face as he avoided eye contact with the doctor. 

Harry’s sexuality was something he had always been confident in. Coming to terms with the fact he liked both men and women at age 14 didn’t fill him with dread or fear like it may have some people. The unconditional love from his family and an added layer of naivety meant that he never really considered the gravitas of the situation when he dropped _‘I’m bi’_ into conversation during dinner one night. After some kind reassurances and tender questions from his mum, Gemma and Robin the conversation moved back onto something else entirely.

That wasn’t to say Harry was shielded from the homophobia and negativity that all too often was aimed at the LGBT community, it was just something he never had to deal with at home in his personal life. It was publicly that strangers who didn’t actually know anything about his sexuality liked to throw vile slurs at him. In the early days this upset him a lot more, wondering why people could be so hateful about something completely natural. Now, he made a conscious effort to be an ally to those who need it the most and supported charities that would help people in the community less fortunate than himself.

Their session wraps up shortly after this, Harry unable to concentrate on much else except how stupid and callous he felt. If he was open to forgiving Louis then that’s what he’d do, Dr Anderson was right in that holding grudges would do nobody any good. And if Louis wanted somebody to talk to as he come to terms with who he was, then Harry would offer to be that person and make sure he didn’t have to go through things alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated as always :)


	8. Chapter Eight

_25 th June 2020 – London, England_

The last week passed in a slight blur for Harry, caught up in meeting after meeting with Jeff and the boys about their reunion; only hours away from making official, they had big plans to meet at Niall’s house to sign on the dotted line after Harry’s session with Dr Anderson.

Niall’s flat had become a mini base for them since they returned from the bungalow, the discreet location and underground parking along with his ridiculously large dining table made it the perfect choice for their meetings and the Irishman was all too happy to accommodate. They’d met with Jeff, lawyers and various other execs several times, the five of them sitting patiently through explanations of things before signing here and initialing there.

At this point Harry had lost track of how many documents his lawyer had him look over and sign, somehow even more grateful he never actually got the chance to kick-start his law career as he’s pretty sure he’d have died from boredom by now. There was break contracts from _Syco_ and _Modest!_ that included several NDAs about their association, image contracts with Full Stop, record contracts with Columbia and a multitude of other forms that Harry had already forgotten the name of.

All in all, he was happy with the contracts and so were the other boys. They hadn’t signed anything that would force them into making an album (or five) or go on a ridiculously strenuous world tour (or four). The contract was set to last two years, they had to release three singles and have at least twenty shows in this time, but of course everybody knew they would definitely exceed this. The boys had already talked to Jeff about a potential tour in next spring with an album also being thrown out as a possibility, Zayn suggesting they could rerecord some of their old stuff into a more ‘them’ sound which Harry agreed would be fun.

They were also free to pursue occasional solo endeavours if they so wished, they couldn’t release any solo music, but an appearance here and there were permitted as long as it didn’t clash with anything the band was doing. Harry himself didn’t really have an interest in following solo projects whilst with the band but Zayn in particular had appreciated the clause, allowing him to have an extra measure of freedom that wasn’t there the first time around.

Everything was being kept under wraps, so much so they were asked not to tell anybody outside of their immediate circle that it was happening so to build suspense with fans. They had an awkward moment when Jeff asked, they not re-follow each other on social media until after the 23rd of July and each of them avoided eye contact, sheepish that they had even unfollowed one another in the first place.

As every man and his dog seemed to know, the 23rd was their official ten-year anniversary and Jeff and Niall had crafted quite the plan to rile fans up and announce that One Direction were indeed back. They were set to host an event in London for some dedicated followers under the guise of a newspaper doing a write-up on the boys’ success after a decade, fans could enter a draw on their website to be in with a chance to win. There was no mention of the band actually being involved, just the promise of meeting with other fans and getting to recap all things One Direction on their tenth birthday – not that this mattered to anybody, people just thrilled they were getting _something._

The plan then was to have the boys come out as a surprise to perform a few songs, livestreaming everything across Twitter, Instagram and Facebook to announce to the masses they were back. There was fine tuning to be done but Niall had run through each detail with such immaculate delivery, even Zayn had gotten giddy at the idea and started talking about ways they could throw the scent off to ensure nothing was ruined. As Harry was finding out, ‘throwing the scent off’ just meant getting a whole host of various people to sign hefty NDA’s and crafting elaborate cover stories to vendors and suppliers, it gave him a new appreciation for Jeff and his team as they flit around trying to make everything happen.

Then there was Louis.

Things between them had improved since their talk at Harry’s, Louis going out of his way to talk to Harry more when they were in their meetings and even cracking a quiet joke or two like the old days. It wasn’t really the same, there was still a lingering layer of discomfort but since Dr Anderson’s polite nudge last week, Harry was really trying to take her advice and move forward.

Following his session, he’d text Louis the following day, taking time to craft a perfectly-planned-yet-somewhat-nonchalant-rhyming-text, leading to a short yet pleasant text exchange.

_‘Hey. I hope you’re okay after yesterday. Thanks for talking, no more walking. I’ll sign the contract… I must be whacked’_

_Louis: ‘Ha! Whacked indeed, I’ll follow your lead. Does this mean we’ve made amends? Can we be friends?’_

_‘I can declare, I am getting there. Something we can’t rush… or even push’_

_Louis: ‘:)’_

Of course, their newfound pleasantries didn’t put a complete stop to Harry’s anxieties and there was still that moment every time he walked into a room where Louis was that his heart stopped for a second, throat tightening before he got a hold of things. Things were fine, not great or excellent, just fine and Harry was ok with that.

It wasn’t just Harry that Louis seemed to be making more of an effort with either, both Liam and Zayn had commented that Louis seemed to be in a much better mood recently, both times earning Harry a sly look from Niall who seemed to think he knew everything - the little shit.

When Thursday rolled around again, Harry actually felt really motivated to sit down and talk some more; no matter how hard the sessions could be, there was no doubt in his mind that he’d been making significant progress recently. This feeling only waivered slightly when Sally threw a spanner in the works and decidedly didn’t prompt him to speak about anything regarding Louis.

“Tell me about Camille” she asked calmly, causing Harry to choke slightly.

“Camille?” he parrots, slightly confused.

“Yes, Camille. Tell me about her” she rephrases matter of fact, giving an encouraging nod towards Harry who was perched stiffly on the armchair opposite, Rollo nowhere to be seen this week - _traitor._

_They met through mutual friends, attending a few parties together (or ‘gatherings’ as LA people called them) and getting to know each other as friends before one-night Harry found himself slipping into something beyond a friendship._

_Camille didn’t know much about his life in the band, Harry wasn’t even sure she was aware what band he’d been in the first time they’d met; she’d called him ‘Henry’ before Alexa had snorted loudly and corrected her. Harry had liked the fact they were different in their interests and upbringings, it felt like they’d never run out of things to talk about. She was sweet and strong, soft and wild, she knew what she wanted and how she wanted it which is more than Harry could ever say for himself._

_They would get stoned in her apartment and she’d try to teach him bits of French, both giggling endlessly when his mouth failed to pronounce the words even remotely right. She would speak about books and artists with strong opinion and passion, unapologetically expressing an interest in true crime and the psychology behind it all. Harry would introduce her to new music and take her along to gigs, intricately going through his process of writing, recording, producing songs with her by his side._

_For Harry there was a kind of love, an intense infatuation that was destined to fade. The enthusiasm for_ something new _after the come-down of the band and his need to prove he could love after Louis had put a rose tint on their relationship. The things she spoke of, he had an appreciation of, but he could never understand no matter how much he tried. The music he liked wasn’t really what she was into, not understanding how he could enjoy both Top-40 and underground songs or how he didn’t like drum and bass at all._

_Then there were their childhoods, formative years spent quite literally worlds apart as her memories centred around being flown between cities and mansions whilst Harry’s parents saved diligently each year to be able to make an annual trip to somewhere warm in Europe for a week. When she told stories of ‘maman et papa’ hosting lavish dinner parties as she watched on from their balcony above the staircase, Harry blushed and changed the subject, feeling like ‘we used to have BBQ’s in the summer’ didn’t really compare._

_There was always a voice in the back of his mind whispering that it wasn’t right, she wasn’t right for him, but he supressed it as with a lot of things in life. On some days his mind would wander to Louis, contemplate how the love he felt for both of them could be completely different, ignoring the reason staring him in the face. On particularly dark days he’d let himself remember Louis’ touch, his kiss, the way just a glance could set his body on fire._

_In the end it had been Gemma that broke through to him, as it so often is._

_Harry had been in London for the first time in months after his tour and Camille was in a city that he couldn’t remember, they hadn’t really spoken all that much in the last couple of weeks and things were holding on by a thread. Gemma had come over for dinner and listened patiently to Harry talk for an hour about how they were doing great; how much he loved being with her, how it was so, so great how much she talked about murderers and about how utterly amazing it was how different they were._

_He’d just been about to say how just fantastic it was that they could make it work even through the distance when Gemma had groaned and frustratedly bashed her head against the dining table._

_“H, please stop fucking talking about great and amazing Camille is. She’s a lovely girl but have you thought maybe you don’t actually like any of that stuff about her? Opposites attract and all, but you basically have nothing in common with the lass” Gemma had explained in a tough-yet-cautious tone, knowing that too firm would just make Harry angry and weepy._

_It stunned him to silence for a few minutes, mouth gaping as he thought that actually, yeah, maybe she was right._

“The break-up was sort of amicable and y’know when I see her around now it’s pleasant enough” Harry shrugs to the doctor, wondering if he should be a little more emotional about this before unironically thinking ‘ _it is what it is’._ “I felt quite guilty and petty at the start; I wrote a lot of songs about her… I was annoyed that we couldn’t just make it work and that yeah, we loved each other but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t take me long to realise the it was right decision, but it still wasn’t easy.”

“’I understand how that would be hard” Sally asks, Harry familiar enough to realise her tone is asking him to continue.

“It was so different to Louis though” he pauses, trying to find the words to explain. “I talked myself into thinking it was just because they were different people but eventually it just become clear there was a bit more to it than that and I didn’t love her as much as I loved him, it wasn’t like, an all-consuming thing like it was with Lou. And like I said before, we only started properly dating after that night with him in LA so I think putting myself out there to fall in love again was my way of proving to myself that I could do it with someone that wasn’t him”

“What was it like being in love with Louis? Please just share what you’re comfortable with Harry” Sally smiles, adjusting the cushion supporting her back.

“Falling in love with him was… It was easy, I didn’t even realise it had happened until I was in so deep”

_Falling in love with Louis was a gradual process, everyday Harry spent getting to know the intricacies of how his mind worked added fuel onto the already raging fire inside his heart._

_Harry loved the quirky things like his necessity to have at least one condiment with his food, how infuriating he found the ukulele to be ‘as a concept’, the way his foot would softly rub against the mattress when he was just about to drift into sleep._

_Harry loved the loud version of Louis who could command an entire room and have everybody doubling over with belly-aching laughter. He also loved the shy, quiet Louis who would occasionally appear after a particularly long day or during meetings with people who sat in suits, deciding their future for them._

_Harry loved how much Louis loved and understood each of his siblings individually, always up to date on whatever school project or hobby they had an interest in that week no matter how busy his schedule got. He loved that his mum used to genuinely be his best friend, that he’d call her first thing in the morning or immediately after shows and the first thing out of his mouth would be ‘how are you, mum?’._

_Harry loved Louis’ body and the hours that he had spent inspecting every inch of his skin. He loved discovering that particular spot on his hip that made his hips buck and throat whine or the way his lips felt fuller in the morning compared to the afternoon. Familiarising himself with the small patch of hair that grew at the nape of his neck that tucked just under his t-shirt and the way his feet got a little callous in the winter._

_Harry loved that Louis had flaws, that he wasn’t a perfect unattainable person that made himself feel inferior. That Louis was notoriously bad at reading situations, at pushing jokes and taunts too far then getting angry when the subject retaliated. He was impulsive and could rarely admit he was wrong but when he did apologise, you’d just know he was being the embodiment of sincere._

_Harry loved every part of Louis Tomlinson that there was to love, except for the fact he was unwilling to love him back._

He ends the session a little overwhelmed at his lengthy love testimony, ignoring the way even Dr Anderson’s eyes look slightly misty as they bid each other farewell with promise to see each other same time and place next week. The question of _‘would you say you still love him’_ from last week clouded his mind as he went through the motions of getting into his car, turning the engine on, backing out the driveway.

Thankfully he managed to make it to Niall’s parking garage before the emotion hit him, every bit of Louis he craved and ached for all those years suddenly bursting to the surface after deep suppression. The pain and guilt of not being able to make things work with Camille was there too, fighting amongst the other agonising emotions to get a seat centre stage.

As if destiny or karma hadn’t put him through enough in his short twenty-six years, it’s at the moment Harry feels himself starting to spiral that there’s a sharp knock on his car window. Louis is stood there, at his driver’s door, with a grin and a hand-held up in a small wave. Harry doesn’t move at first, afraid that if he gets out, he might do something stupid like slap him or kiss him – clearly his emotions aren’t the most solid right now.

Louis’ smile waivers slightly as he takes a step back from the car, clearly unsure of what Harry is thinking as he just stares at him out of the window with a conflicted expression. Eventually his brain reboots itself and he slides out of the car with a deep blush, not sure what to say or do in the face of Louis who, no less than half an hour ago he was describing in depth how much he once loved.

“Y’alright lad? Looked like you’d seen a ghost for a minute there” Louis laughs softly as they made their way towards the lift up to the apartment.

“Fine, fine. Just a bit…” he waves an arm around as Louis politely holds the door open for him. “Come here from therapy so, just feel a bit weird” he excuses, hoping the conversation ends there.

“Ah right… Sorry” Louis seems to wince, as if he somehow knew what had been discussed.

They ascended the building in awkward silence, Louis pulled out his phone and pretended to be engrossed in something on the screen but Harry could see from his taller vantage point he was just looking at the weather app which had failed to load properly due to the lack of signal. Thankfully the lift only took a minute or so before they reached Niall’s floor, both shuffling out and towards the door together.

“Fellas!” Niall greets as he throws open the door to his apartment, grin spread wide across his face, clutching a glass of what appeared to be champagne and an unlit cigar in the other.

“Neil, is that a cigar?” Louis cackles, sliding past him into the apartment as Harry followed behind smirking.

“It sure is Tommo, big day this. There’s enough for you two so don’t be jealous, come along now”

True to his word, Harry is met with a small ornate chest stocked with cigars and two bottles of champagne placed on the coffee table, Liam and Zayn already puffing away from their place on the sofa. Opting to forgo the smoking element, Harry grabs a glass and helps himself to a pouring of bubbles and allows himself to sink deep into the space next to Zayn. Louis on the other hand, chooses the opposite and gives the champagne a miss but happily lights up a cigar.

“Jeff’s not coming for another half an hour or so, thought we’d celebrate just us for a bit before he gets here” Liam explains through a cloud of smoke.

“Also, we just wanted to double check that like… everything is alright with you two before we sign for real” Zayn gestures loosely between Harry and Louis, who’s eyes find each other instinctively.

Harry coughs. “What do you mean”

“You know what I mean” Zayn fires back. “We don’t know the full story and we don’t need to either, we just want to make sure you two are going to be alright being around each other all the time again”

“And not in a everything is fine on the outside but not on the inside kind of way either. Like are you genuinely both gonna be alright?” Liam adds.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think I could do it. It’s- it’s a bit weird but we’ve talked, it’ll be fine” Harry answers honestly, appreciative of their thoughtfulness and concern, even if it was a little awkward.

“Yeah we’re trying to get through stuff” Louis nods in agreement, earning approving nods from the other four.

“Perfect!” Niall shouts, sharing a quick glance with both Liam and Zayn before he’s picking up a guitar and strumming away like nothing had ever happened. Harry forced to push down any lingering thoughts or feelings about therapy or Camille or Louis and do his best to relax into the moment, enjoy the new chapter they were moving into.

Soon enough the buzzer to the flat is ringing and signalling Jeff had arrived, the five of them sharing one last ‘ _well this is it’_ moment together before Niall scurried away to let him in. He re-enters the room only a minute later with Jeff and a girl who looks to be around their age trailing behind, she’s eyeing each of them carefully, twisting a piece of hair between her fingers.

“Hey guys” Jeff says, giving them a curt wave before turning towards the unknown girl. “This is Fleur” he introduces her with a flourish of his hands, making her eyes roll slowly as they move further into the room.

“Hiya, nice to meet you all n that” she says, accent proudly northern it makes Harry smile instantly as he jumps from the sofa to introduce himself.

“Hello, I’m Harry. Nice to meet you” he shakes her hand; she nods politely and gives him an amused smirk, obviously confused at why he’s just given her his name.

“He’s so painfully polite, you’ll get used to it” Jeff brushes past him with a laugh.

“Get used to it?” Liam prompts, also now moving to shake her hand but not bothering to give his name.

“Jeffrey, what have you been doing if not singing my praises for these last few weeks?” Fleur huffs sarcastically, moving to join Jeff at Niall’s large dining table. “I’m your new manager” she smiles, eyeing them closely.

“Manager?” Louis asks incredulously, finally dragging himself away from the sofa and joining the other boys who were hovering in the open space of the living room. Instead of answering verbally she just raises her eyebrows, clearly unimpressed with his tone, and Harry doesn’t miss the way Louis’ cheeks tinge pink under her gaze.

“Come on guys around the table now. One of those glasses for me Ni?” Jeff claps excitedly, waving them all over to the table and snagging one of the champagne flutes from Niall. They each fall into place around the table, Jeff at the head with Fleur to his right and the other boys immediately thereafter, Harry takes the seat opposite the new girl knowing the others can be a little… abrasive around new people.

“Right yes, this is Fleur Cook, she’s your new manager. I’ll still be heading things up, but she will be the one out on the road with you” Jeff explains whilst pulling various bits of paper from his briefcase onto the table.

“Questions?” she asks, a clear challenge.

Obviously, Louis takes the bait. “You’re quite… young to be a manager, aren’t you?” he prods, earning a dry chuckle from Jeff as Fleur turns to respond.

“I’m twenty-six so not too much younger than Jeffrey here” she gestures with her thumb. “Or are you worried about experience? Because I’ve got that too” she states confidently, passing each of them a sheet of paper that contained her entire professional history and, as it happened, she wasn’t lying about the experience.

Fleur had started managing her friends’ band at 16, booking them gigs around their home county of Cumbria and securing interviews with any publication who’d take them. After successfully completing her A-Levels she attended BIMM Institute and achieved a first in her degree in Music Business before moving onto the University of Manchester and completing her master’s degree in Arts Management, Policy and Practice on a full scholarship. All whilst holding down a job in an agency and continuing to manage three bands of her own on the side. Following university, she’d gotten a job with Creative Arts Agency in London and worked with a whole host of different acts until Jeff had head-hunted her and persuaded her to join his team.

“Holy shit” Zayn pipes up for the first time, letting out an impressed burst of laughter.

“She’s proper mugged you off there Lou” Liam snickers as Louis pretends not to hear.

“Well forgive me, I’ve never seen a manager that looks like her before alright?” Harry actually agreed with him but he daren’t say that aloud.

“Is it because I’m a woman Louis?” she asks, tone clearly joking as she smirks over at him.

Niall lasts approximately three seconds before he guffaws loudly. “I like you, absolutely rattled Tommo after not even half an hour. God. Fucking brilliant” Harry joins in with a quiet giggle, Louis letting a reluctant smile appear.

“Only playing” she teases.

“You’ll get used to him being a dick” Zayn adds before the conversation moves on.

Harry zones out a little as Fleur and Jeff answer a couple of questions from Liam, making sure they have all bases covered and falling easily back into his role as their spokesperson in these types of meetings. While they discuss the boring stuff, Harry takes a second to study Fleur for a moment. _She’s_ _pretty_ he thinks, a deep olive complexion paired with honey blonde hair and wide brown eyes. He wonders if she’s ready for the tougher aspects of being associated with One Direction, the thousands of fans who will take over her life and send her hate because she’s associated with them and the rumours that are bound to circulate.

Unable to stop himself he waits for a break in conversation and asks the question. “Sorry just… You know the kind of scrutiny you’re going to be under for being seen with us and stuff? It’s going to be brutal, like hate and stuff”

Thankfully, Fleur doesn’t look offended by Harry’s questioning, just a little taken aback at his concern. “You don’t have to worry about me yeah, I know what I’m getting into”

The penny seems to drop for Niall too as he adds his own two cents into the conversation. “You know there’s going to be like, endless rumours about us dating you yeah? Like, you’re hardly… y’know you’re attractive, people will speculate”

At this Fleur laughs, Jeff emitting a little snigger too. “I’m, like, really fucking gay mate. I could not think of anything worse than being anywhere near your- y’know” she balks comically, bringing a hand up to her mouth as if the thought was truly going to make her sick which makes the boys break into laughter.

“Fleur’s been with her girlfriend for four years, fans will realise soon enough she’s no threat to your virtues… what remains of them that is” Jeff comments smugly. “She’s had a lot of time to think about this and knows the pros and cons that come with being associated with you, Fleur?”

“Yeah look, don’t worry about it alright? I was quite literally the only gay in the village at home, I’m used to people talking shit. So, don’t worry ok?” she pointedly looks at Harry for the last part and he nods.

“Well if there’s anything we can do to make it easier for you, just let us know?” Liam suggests politely, the others murmuring their agreements.

“Thanks lads, let’s have fun together yeah?” Fleur enthused and Harry got the strong sense she was going to be good for them.

It takes half an hour to get everybody’s signatures on every document, thirty minutes and Harry is officially a member of One Direction once more. In many ways the feeling he gets once he signs the last document is the same as when he stood on that stage at Wembley all those years ago, deep trepidation of what was to come with a healthy dose of genuine excitement. At least this time around there’s no fear of what the other boys will be like, no need for silent prayers that they’d all be nice because he already knew they were dicks (he gets a thump on the arm from Zayn when he voices this aloud).

Jeff leaves them to it with the insistence he needs to get the papers signed and filed immediately, flouncing out the door in a similar fashion to how he arrived, a quick ‘ _have_ _fun’ thrown over his shoulder._ Fleur asks if she can stick around and of course they agree, thinking it would be wise to get to know her better with all the time they would no doubt be spending together from now on. It only takes her a few minutes before she’s accepting both a cigar and glass of champagne from Niall, getting comfy on the sofa with everyone.

“Alright, I gotta know” she says after they’ve all recounted a few tour anecdotal stories, Fleur from her time with a few of the bands she managed at uni and the boys from both band and solo ventures. “Why’re you doing this? Like the reunion, I honestly thought you’d never get back together”

“Same” Zayn mumbles.

“It’s Niall’s fault” Harry follows up, leaning over to ruffle said man’s hair. “He’s the mastermind, very persuasive when he puts his mind to it. M’not convinced he isn’t magic, can’t work out how he managed to get us back together, and like, none of us have any solo stuff planned in either. It’s all lined up perfectly… suspicious really”

“Luck of the Irish” he says wistfully, refilling his champagne glass for what must be the tenth time. “It’s like we all knew this would happen, kept our schedules free and voila!”

“I’m just surprised you all seem to like each other to be honest, I was expecting a lot more… angst or summat” Fleur laughs.

“It’s early days yet” Liam says darkly before breaking out into a giggle.

“Oh, I’m sure, I wasn’t much of a fan back in the day… shit- I mean forget I said that, I liked you enough I just wasn’t like a twitter stalker or anything. Sorry, probably not what your new manager should be saying” she slaps her forehead lightly, groaning at the notion she may have offended them.

Louis takes it upon himself to reassure her, his doubtful streak from earlier has melted away the more they have gotten to know her. “Honestly mate don’t worry about it. We’d rather you were honest than a kiss arse”

“Thank god. I’ve been doing my research and that this week, Jeff gave me like a file on you and then I think I’ve watched every YouTube video under the sun trying to size up which one of you is going to give me the most grief” she looks pointedly at Louis before smirking. “I was definitely right there”

Fleur fits into their conversation and dynamic well and it’s easy to see why Jeff has appointed her to manage them, her industry knowledge and easy-going nature the perfect combination to cope with the five of them. She asks them individual questions and prompts them on things regarding their old management team, but it never seems like prying or her being nosy, just her wanting to get to know them better.

In return she answers any questions they have honestly, everything from her girlfriend to her favourite brand of rum and shares willingly about the homophobia she experienced growing up in a small town.

The afternoon turns into evening and everybody starts making their excuses for leaving. Zayn calls a cab to take him straight to the airport as Gigi’s next scan is booked in for the following morning, promising to send them pictures and the gender as soon as he can. Liam is the next to go after his girlfriend Maya texts him, leading to no end of whipped jokes from Niall and Louis begging for a lift. Harry politely offers Fleur a lift home on account of her being tipsy, but she declines equally as cordially, her friend Gene is collecting her as they’re headed to a party later

It’s only at home, after an hour of going through the motions of making food and having a shower that the weight of the day catches up to Harry. The session with Dr Anderson feeling so long ago he can’t quite believe it was the same day, secretly proud that he’s managed to get through the day without falling apart.

_‘Would you say you still love him’_

The question lingers uncomfortably in his mind for the rest of the evening, confused at why his mind is so scrambled when it comes to the topic. _You either love someone or you don’t_ he reasons with himself internally, wanting nothing more than to be able to say he’s over Louis and he likes him as a friend, but the lie feels too big to even contemplate in his mind.

Before a conclusion can be met, he falls asleep on the sofa, green tea forgotten on the side table as he shuffles deeper into the throw cushions and succumbs to dream land.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated as always! 
> 
> Love x


	9. Chapter Nine

_27 th June 2020 - Malibu, California _

A barrage of messages is what breaks Harry out of his slumber on this particular Tuesday, startled slightly at his surroundings before remembering the hurried flight he’d taken to LA, landing only hours ago.

Rubbing slightly at his eyes, he reached for his mobile that was somewhere on the bedside table, eyes watering slightly at the bright light before he could adjust the brightness setting. It was early hours of the morning, the day just breaking back home on the other side of the Atlantic and thus friends and family now realising he’d left the country. There were 12 new messages on their band group chat, now named ‘ _Li, Lou, Ni, H & Ringo’_, as well as one from Fleur, one from Jeff and two from his mum.

His mum’s first message was just asking if he was ok, she’d no doubt seen the sly pictures someone had taken of him at the airport, and the second said to call her when he got a chance. Fleur and Jeff’s were along the same line, variants of ‘ _hey think you could give us a heads up before you leave the country, hope everything is good though’_.

The boys were less polite.

Niall: ‘ _H, the fuck?’_

Liam: ‘ _???’_

Liam: ‘ _Wassup???’_

Niall: ‘ _He’s flew to LA’_

Liam: ‘ _???’_

Niall: ‘ _Dunno… Didn’t look too fresh in the airport pics’_

Niall: ‘ _Didn’t tell Gemma or his mum he was going either’_

Niall: _‘Not mad or anything btw mate, just wanna make sure you’re ok x’_

Liam: _‘Hope ur good H’_

Zayn _: ‘Fuckers woke me’_

_Zayn: ‘It’s like half 4 here u dicks’_

Zayn _: ‘Haz, call me x’_

Groaning, Harry buries his face further into the pillows, wondering why he even entertained the thought he could just pop to LA without being seen was beyond him, never mind following through on it. He goes through the same order when replying to text, shooting a quick ‘ _I’m good, call you later_ x’ to his mum and half-hearted excuses to both Jeff and Fleur.

For a moment he wonders what to tell the boys, thinking that ‘oh I’m having _another_ Louis freak out, classic me circa 2012’ isn’t really appropriate for a group chat containing said person, and it will only create more questions that Harry definitely does not want to deal with. He types out a ‘ _Yo_ , _I’m_ _good’_ before realising that using the word ‘yo’ was a sure-fire way of telling them he was in fact not good.

_‘I’m fine honestly, just wanted to get away for a couple of days. Be back in time for the rehearsal’_

Almost immediately after hitting send, Zayn is attempting to FaceTime him and he accepts with a reluctant sigh, running a hand through his hair to fix the unruly bed head. For a few seconds, Zayn just blinks through the phone at him, eyes heavy with sleep as he takes in Harry’s appearance.

“What’s wrong?” he asks eventually.

“Nothing” Harry replies a little too quickly. “I’m fine”

“You’re such a shit liar Harry” which, yeah, he was dreadful at lying.

Harry doesn’t reply immediately, not even sure how he’s going to explain the turmoil in his mind. “It’s Louis” he starts, expecting at best an eye-roll from Zayn.

“What’s he said?” he snaps, anger flaring immediately. “Honestly I told him, I fucking told him to watch what he said to you”

“He hasn’t said anything… not really. I mean, he came over last week and we talked about stuff. Wait, what’s he said to you?” Harry frowns whilst Zayn visibly calms, hand coming up to rub over his face.

“Nothing, nothing. I just told him he had to be careful with you” he’s not entirely convincing but Harry doesn’t push, Zayn only withholds if he has a good reason and Harry trusts him to tell the truth when it’s needed. “What’s this about then? You only fuck off when you’re in crisis mode so c’mon”

It’s a bit rich coming from Zayn, their resident flake who’d been absent for years at this point, but it’s not entirely false either. Harry’s was known to take off without letting anybody know where he’s going back in the old days, flying out to LA or London or even Tokyo when things got a little too much. Zayn always had his back though, making sure there was another scandal or bit of drama for management focus on instead of going too hard on Harry. He would do the same for Zayn too, both understanding the need for a bit of space more than the others. If Harry’s vanishing act happened to tie in with Eleanor’s visits, then so be it.

“I’ve been talking to my therapist about him y’know, it’s just bringing a lot of old shit up and I don’t… I just don’t know how to feel about it all. Am I an idiot for trying to be his friend? He broke my heart; you know how shit it was for me Zayn. She asked me if I still loved him and I don’t know if I do or not, is that normal?” it comes tumbling out in a rush and Harry’s pretty sure everything jumbled together into something less than coherent, but Zayn doesn’t look perturbed.

“One thing at a time alright? I don’t think you’re an idiot for trying to be his friend, that’s what you were before right? Whether you can actually be his friend or not is up to you Haz, if you want to forgive him for stuff then great but if not then it is what it is” Zayn says calmly, eyes only momentarily flicking to something off screen before he’s staring back at Harry. “You’re always gonna love him and that’s ok, doesn’t mean you’re in love with him, that’s separate innit”

Harry’s face screws up at the affirmations, desperately trying not to cry as he knew it’d be hard to stop once he started. “I think I’m broken. I hate him… I don’t hate him really, I just… why is this happening again? It’s been years! It shouldn’t be like this after five fucking years apart should it”

“Hey, hey none of that yeah? You’re not broken, I think you’re just a bit confused and overwhelmed. He’s back in your life for the first time in so long and it’s weird, you’re learning how to be around him again and I think it’ll just take time”

“You’re right… remind me again why I’m paying a therapist now that you’re back” he says through a watery smile, head lolling back against the solid headboard.

Zayn laughs quietly. “Very funny, this shit runs deeper than I’d touch to be honest”

“I missed you” the admission slips out before Harry can stop it, they haven’t really talked about the time Zayn vanished from his life and it’s probably better this way, it stops arguments and awkward questions but he just hopes the other man knows just how much they did miss him.

“Haz” he responds softly. “I missed you to… I’m sorry again for everything. I know I could have handled it all better and I’m sorry I didn’t like, reach out and stuff”

Harry admonishes this with a wave of his hand, reaching it up to ruffle his hair once more. “It’s all forgiven honestly but if you could tell me what to do about this Louis situation, you’d be the bestest person ever”

“Louis situation, Jesus, I feel like I’m nineteen again” Zayn says with exasperation. “Look, I’m never gonna tell you what to do or how to feel but I think you and him being friends might actually help you with this. Make some new positive memories that will erase all of the shit ones, maybe this time just like… don’t suck each other’s dicks? Relax into the situation a little more and see where things take you, it’s not going to be easy, but you can do things to make it easier on you”

He hates that it makes sense, but Harry finds himself nodding along, cursing Zayn internally for always being able to talk him down from any metaphorical ledge and only wincing slightly when he talks about sucking dick. “You’re so wise, Ringo”

The new nickname earns him a laugh. “Fucks sake… if I’m Ringo though, does that make Eleanor the Yoko then?” he asks seriously, making Harry let out a cackle.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a minute or two, both cast only in a dim light and Harry wonders how they could just fall out of a friendship that came so easily, why they didn’t try to fight to keep each other in their lives. He supposed that was a conversation for another day.

Suddenly reminded of the last conversation he had with Zayn only hours earlier, Harry smiles dopily. “Congrats to you and Gi again by the way, another boy! Do you think One Direction men are destined to have only boy babies since we already have the attention of so many girls?”

Zayn rolls his eyes but lets out a quiet laugh anyway. “Interesting hypothesis, I suppose we’ll just have to wait until you and Ni have spawn of your own eh” Harry hums in agreement, trying to imagine what life will be like when he finally has a child of his own but not really getting a clear picture.

“I really gotta go back to sleep bro but I’m here alright? Just give me a ring if you need anything” Zayn says through a yawn, hand coming up to rub at his stubble. “Relax out there for a few days ay, bit of distance from it all will do you some good. I’ll speak to the lads to make sure they don’t harass you, go out with your mates and do whatever the fuck it is you do. We’ll catch up at the rehearsal on Friday alright?”

“Thank you, sleep well” with that, the call ends and Harry sinks back down into the covers and let’s sleep wash over once more.

The next time he wakes, it’s with somewhat of a different outlook on things and a curiosity for how Zayn always knows just the right thing to say in these situations. Instead of getting bogged down with the weight of everything, Harry reassures himself that it’s ok there’s always going to be some residual love for Louis because why wouldn’t there be? But it’s ok, it’s normal. Friendship, that’s what he should be focusing on.

(If he lets the confident façade slip slightly when Louis texts him later that day saying a simple ‘ _Hope you’re ok’_ then nobody but Harry needs to know.)

Being in Malibu is good for Harry. The Atlantic Ocean acting as a defensive shield from all the worries that he associated with London, allowing him to let loose and be free in a way that didn’t really come from the country he called home. Malibu always feels like a holiday, whether it was days or weeks spent here, there was always the feeling that it was a break from everything else. It was more than the sun and surf, it was the friends he called upon and the clothes he wore, everything feeling fun and free on this corner of the Earth.

He manages to catch a lunch with a friends; realising it had been a good couple of weeks since he had caught up with people who weren’t One Direction-related. There are a few excuses made on why he’s not been around much and why he’s not working on anything new, but nobody seems to notice he’s lying or hiding something from them, so it’s a win really.

Kendall comes over Monday evening, armed with six of his favourite vanilla-chai edible cupcakes and they sit on his beach to catch each other up on their lives since they last met up, Harry of course omitting anything band-related. Contrary to popular belief, she was an easy person to spend time with, always laidback and honest which made her a genuinely good friend to have around. They’d tried on a number of dates in the early days but found that neither of them was really interested in doing the romantic thing at the time, so they’d kept the parts that they did want; friendship and sex.

Casual sex wasn’t easy to come by without the other person blabbing or selling their story, nor was Harry interested in sex with strangers in all honesty. So, when they were both single and in need of a little relief, they’d get together and have some fun. Obviously, it didn’t happen every time they seen each other, sometimes they got together as just friends, but the sex was a nice bonus every now and again. Most times, like this particular instance, they just enjoyed chatting aimlessly and updating each other as most friends do.

On Tuesday he takes out the motorbike and heads over to Cal’s house for lunch, Harry gets a sense he must have heard rumblings about the band’s come back, but he thankfully doesn’t mention it. He makes the return journey home as the summer sun is setting over the Pacific, sky a blurry mix of yellows and blues that Harry finds breath-taking, even through the visor of his helmet. Once home, he rushes down to the beach and watches the sunsetting finale from there, feet dipped into the cool water as he listens to a guided meditation.

The final few hours before his flight are spent packing a few things he wanted to take back to London and making sure any perishable foods had been removed from the kitchen, learning the hard way that two-month-old food wasn’t at all pleasant to return to. The getaway had done exactly what Harry had intended when he’d hurriedly booked the flights a few days ago, his mind refreshed and ready to get back to whatever London (and Louis) had to throw at him upon his return.

xXx

“This is ridiculous”

“You’re ridiculous”

“Get your foot out of my leg Niall, for fucks sake”

“Will you all shut the fuck up, it’s so early”

“It’s ten o’clock Zayn”

“You ever heard of jet lag?”

“Think we’re nearly there yet?”

“I think I need a wee”

“I think we’ve all grown since the last time we did this”

“Jesus Christ”

Harry’s return to London and band life hadn’t been the smooth, silky transition that he’d been fantasising about on his return from LA, in fact it had been anything but.

First, he’d been mobbed at the airport, fans at LAX tipping off people in London to the flight he was on and therefore leading to a mini brawl outside of Heathrow. In the panic to escape his problems, he’d forgotten to ask Gemma to pop around and water his plants and thus he’d lost a third of his crop in his five-day absence. Then Dr Anderson had had to cancel their session yesterday, she’d come down with some sort of virus and wasn’t up to much of anything at the moment, so they’d agreed to just double up next week.

When he’d met with the boys earlier this morning, they’d chastised him lightly about his disappearing act and made him promise to at least send a heads-up next time which he reluctantly agreed to. Now, he was lodged in the back of a (small) transit van with the other boys on the way to a rehearsal space out in Surrey.

Travelling in this style was something they tended to do in extreme circumstances in order to avoid being seen, if they were recording something like a music video or just wanted to be tourists for the day, the five of them would pile into the back of a van and be driven to their destination. It was not fun, even less so when they were out of practice and Fleur seemed to enjoy throwing them around the country roads they were travelling on.

“I thought being a multi-millionaire pop sensation would be a lot more glamorous than this” Louis grumbles from his spot at the back of the truck bed. “I also didn’t think I’d still be doing this at nearly thirty fucking years old” Harry ignores him, as he’d been doing since they met at Niall’s this morning, not quite ready to face the prospect of friendship _just_ yet.

“Can’t be much further now” Liam replies, wriggling his bum slightly, arms pinned to his sides by the van wall and Niall.

As if on cue, the van lurches to a halt, causing Zayn to launch over Harry’s lap, elbow slamming heavily into Niall’s stomach and earning him a string of curse words a mile long. The van doors fly open before the Irishman can retaliate, light bursting into the once dark compartment and causing each of them to groan, eyes squinting closed.

“C’mon ladies, we’re here” Fleur appears shouting loudly, waving them forward into what looks like a desolate field. “Grandpa Louis, do you need a hand love?”

“Fuck off” he moans, his hand rubbing at his back rather begrudgingly.

“Language” she tuts.

“I thought we were meant to be rehearsing here, there’s nothing here?” Liam eyes the field confusedly, straightening out his t-shirt.

“Turn around Liam” Harry drawls, wondering how Liam could be both extremely intelligent yet fail to read basic situations. A small ‘ahh’ leaves his mouth as he sees the small warehouse situated just behind the van.

“This place is sick” Niall appears from behind the van, bouncing excitedly and Harry wonders how he managed to slip off before the rest of them had barely set two feet onto the ground. “How d’ya find it again Flo?”

“It’s Fleur, not Flo. And my mate’s dad built it for his band to rehearse in, this is all his land n’ he said I could use it whenever I wanted” she shrugs and starts to lead them towards the building before being excusing herself to take a phone call.

It’s got the look of a warehouse but it’s a lot smaller than any Harry has seen before, the front opening up completely to reveal a stage area and a mass of different instruments and equipment. Niall and Louis shoot off towards the wall lined with guitars, whistling lowly at the collection and muttering about various brands. Zayn lingers around the mixing deck, familiarising himself with the different boards and nodding appreciatively. Meanwhile Harry and Liam wait patiently in the middle of the space for Fleur to tell them what’s next.

The rehearsal was intended to get them familiar with each other again, sing a few of the old songs and get Zayn accustomed to the ones from Made in The AM. Of course, they had been smart when recording the last album on the off chance he decided to come back one day; purposely not including verses in a couple of the songs or including them but secretly marking them as his.

“Sorry about that lads, Jeffrey just micro-managing and making sure I hadn’t killed you on the way over here” she rolls her eyes and ignores the ‘ _just_ _about’_ that Louis fires her way. “The band should be here soon but first, any questions? Pretty straight forward the briefing form I sent over yesterday right?”

“I liked the briefing form; do you always send one of those?” Liam asks, tone far too enthusiastic to be talking about a word document.

“Yeah at the minute I’ll only send you one if we’ve got something planned the next day, but when we’re on tour and in the thick of it all you’ll get one every day. I know back in the day you used to just get herded about but that’s not really my style, I want you to know what you’re doing and when, so everybody is on the same page. I’ve spoken with all your previous managers and I think this is something that will work well. Anything else?” she speaks confidently, as always, eyes flicking over the five of them.

“Are the band going to be our actual band or are they just temps?” Niall shouts from the back of the room where he’s familiarising himself with one of the electrics from the guitar wall.

“That’s up to you five to be honest. I think we’ve got a good bunch but if you’re not happy just let me know and we’ll get some of the alts we tested in”

They all hum an appreciation, ears pricking at the sound of tires on the dirt track outside alerting them to the fact their band had arrived. Fleur hurried them away from the open front of the building, fearing the driver of the other car would catch a glimpse and their covert operation would be ruined, so they plastered themselves against one of the walls, giggling quietly at the ridiculousness of it all.

“You can come over now, drivers gone” Fleur calls, each of them sauntering over to the small congregation of people outside the warehouse.

“Josh!” Niall screeches, propelling himself at the unsuspecting drummer and causing them both to topple over. “What the fuck man!”

Harry’s too engrossed in the fact that they have managed to get Josh on board, he doesn’t even register the other four men there until Liam pipes up. “Jon, man how is it going?” making his way over to their former keyboard player and musical director.

“Oi! This is cute little reunion but there’s some fresh meat here I want you to meet as well” Fleur claps loudly, drawing everybody’s eyes to where she’s situated between the remaining three boys who all look slightly awkward under so many intense eyes. “Right, so as you can see, we’ve managed to claw Josh and Jon back into the game but unfortunately Sandy and Dan had prior commitments so sadly had to sit this round out” she pauses to let the news sink in before turning towards the others.

“However, thankfully we’ve found the perfect replacements! May I introduce Tom who is your new bass player, Anwar your new lead guitarist and Jake who will play literally whatever we need him to” she cheers enthusiastically and the rest of them join in, Harry letting out a loud whoop before moving toward the new faces and making his own introductions. 

The new trio fit well into the group, they were a little quiet in the beginning but seemed to relax a little the further they got into things, learning how to blend into the dynamics. The three of them had met with Jon and Josh a couple of times previously so they weren’t flying completely blind, knowing a decent amount of their songs and taking any suggestions in their stride. Jake, like his introduction had suggested, could quite literally play everything from saxophone to drums which gave everybody no end of entertainment handing over various instruments and testing his skill.

Harry had quietly enquired to Fleur and Jon why there were no women able to be a part of the group, knowing that the women from his own solo band could have even been included to diversify things slightly. Fleur explained that they had auditioned quite a few women, but their availability didn’t align, or they simply weren’t as good as the people they’d eventually chosen. He was satisfied that they had at least tried however grumbled a little to himself that they could have put a tiny bit more effort into things.

As Fleur’s very specific briefing form outlined, they run through a number of their back catalogue to warm up and get used to singing with one another again. They get through a few songs from the first two albums with zero faults or hiccups, the five of them falling so quickly into routine it actually shocked Harry when he remembered how long it had been. Songs from the third and fourth weren’t quite as seamless, they fumble their way through _Story of My Life_ and _Night Changes_ , everybody making a mistake or hitting the wrong cue here and there.

It’s when Fleur suggests they run through a few of the newer ones, starting with _History_ and _If I Could Fly_ that things go a little muddled, everybody in completely new territory now that Zayn was part of the equation. The four of them run through them first so at least the band could get a feel for things before Zayn joined in too, and apart from Liam forgetting four lines because he refused to look at the lyric sheet _,_ it actually goes quite well considering they’d performed these songs together a lot less than all the others.

The issue arose when they told Zayn that he was now going to be singing the bridge in _If I Could Fly_ instead of Louis and that as well as the harmonies, the entire last chorus in _History_ was now his too.

“I’m not just nicking your bridge Louis, it’s not fair” he exclaims, frown etched deep on his forehead. “They’re your lines!”

The other four sigh collectively. “But they’re not my lines Zayn, they were always meant for you if you came back” Louis explains carefully as Fleur and the band of musicians watched on carefully, not feeling the need to intervene which Harry appreciated. “Every song on the album has a bit that’s meant for you”

“What?” Zayn asks with clear shock written in his eyes.

Niall nods, clapping him on the back. “Yeah mate, we had like contingency plans just in case y’know” 

“Have we not mentioned this before? It was Harry’s idea” Liam pipes up making the aforementioned blush profusely, mumbling a modest _‘was all of us’_ that ended up lost in the hard shoulder of Zayn, who was followed closely by the other three as they piled into the embrace.

“You little shits, I can’t believe you’d do that after everything I did. You all hated me!”

There was a combined shout of ‘ _no we fucking didn’t’_ before rehearsals picked back up and they ran through the songs for the first time as a quintuple. They start with _If I Could Fly_ since it’s a bit easier and Harry isn’t afraid to admit that hearing Zayn’s voice melt into the others brought a slight water to his eye (from the way Niall was refusing to look at any of them Harry assumed it did for him too). The versions weren’t perfect, but everybody was a little too buzzing to care, they had time to get things together and the fact they were all enjoying things was the most important part.

They test out a few other songs with Zayn now back in the mix and it goes as well as to be expected, some things fit easier than others. He plays them a remix of _Infinity that_ he’d been playing around with and they all agree that they should at least rerecord it in this format, if not release it as a single. He’d lowered the overall pitch of the song, slowing the beat with a steady drumline to the background and removing some of the more synthetic sounds, he’d also added a riff or two of his own. To say everyone was impressed, would be quite an understatement. 

It’s when they’re about to start clearing things up to leave that Louis approaches Harry with a tentative step, they hadn’t spoken directly to each other all day, skirting around each other and using the other boys or the band as a buffer between them.

“Y’alright Haz? Heading for a smoke if you wanna join? There’s a cow in the next field over we can go see” at the sound of his voice, Harry whirrs around to face him and subsequently stubs a toe on an amp.

“Jesus fucking Christ” Harry groans, reaching down to rub at his pained toe through the fabric of his trainers. It takes him a moment to remember Louis had actually asked him a question and when he lifts his head, Louis is just watching him with a bemused smirk. “Cow you say?”

They duck out of the warehouse together, trying very hard to ignore the way Zayn is doing his best to stifle Niall from shouting something lewd their way whilst Fleur and the musicians look on curiously. Harry using this as the first opportunity to heed Zayn’s advice and be in the moment instead of thinking _why_ am I following Louis into a field to look at a cow. _Friendship_ he repeats to himself like a mantra _._

The sun is still high in the sky, bright rays making everything look a little crisp and dry, green grass tinged slightly brown. They walk a few meters before coming to a sturdy looking wooden fence, Louis hops over like it’s his farm they’re meandering around, turning back to face Harry with a quirk of his eyebrow in question.

It’s after they walk for a further minute or so that Harry casts a cursory eye over the field they’re stood in, there’s no cow insight. “I don’t see a cow”

“Huh, must have wandered off or something” Louis shrugs coolly, making a show of turning in a circle and squinting as if the cow would appear from thin air.

“There is no cow” Harry realises slowly, arms folding over his chest defensively as he wonders how he has fallen for this line by Louis not once, but three times in his lifetime.

“No lad, there is no cow sorry” there’s a hint of a smirk on Louis’ lips as plonks himself down onto the grass and pats the space next to him, so reminiscent of that night in the bungalow that Harry almost just walks back to the safety of the others company.

Obviously, he doesn’t and instead carefully folds himself onto the grass with a dramatic sigh. “What do you want Louis?”

“Do you remember the first time you fell for that? The first time we met up at the bungalow” Louis says, ignoring the question posed to him. “You followed me around for a good half an hour looking in all the bushes as if this great big heifer of a cow was going to be tucked away in a shrub” he cackles and Harry can only blush as the memory of traipsing around the field next to the bungalow all those years ago comes back to him.

“Then in Peru, d’ya remember that time?” Louis continues, fishing around in his jean short pocket until he produces a pack of cigs and a lighter. “I actually felt awful that day I’ll be honest, if I knew you’d get so upset about the possibility of the cow going over the mountain side I never would have said anything”

Harry chuckles, the vision of the two of them stepping out for some air a dusty mountainside in Peru flashing back to his mind. “I cried for like an hour until you-“ he stops abruptly, words choking in his throat as he gasps for air. He’d been about to describe how the only way Louis could calm him down was to crowd them both into the back of one of the cars and kiss him until Harry forgot which country he was in, never mind anything about a cow.

“Ah yeah” Louis just says in response to the broken sentence, the only recognition Harry needed that he too remembered what happened in the sticky heat of the car. “How was LA then?” the subject changes in the blink of an eye but Harry’s left uncomfortably flushed, willing any explicit thoughts from his mind.

“Fine”

“Fine? You’re chatty today”

“Well what do you want me to say?”

Louis takes a long slow drag off his cigarette, turning his head away from Harry to blow the smoke back through his nose. “Something a bit better than _fine._ If you’re pissed off at me then at least have the guts to tell me why or have a go at me”

“Yeah well” Harry shrugs and they fall back into silence, the wind in the grass and Louis’ sharp inhalation around his cigarette the only sounds cutting through the air. “Why am I here, Louis?”

“I thought you’d dress a lot differently” is what he says in retort, forcing Harry to look down at the cut-off blue denim shorts and green striped shirt a little self-consciously.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harry bites back but Louis doesn’t falter.

“You’ve got a moustache too”

“Yep” 

“How did you know you were bi?” he asks after a moment, small frown etched onto his face and shoulders tense. For a moment, he considers asking why instead of answering the question outright, but sense seems to catch up before the words are able to escape. Because he _knows_ why this question is coming up, there’s no need for him to be an arse about it he supposes.

“When I really figured it out, I was like fourteen, I think? I had a girlfriend at the time, she had a smoking hot older brother and one day when I was around at her house, I bumped into him coming out of the shower and I thought huh what would _that_ be like” he breathes a laugh. “Then I pretty much sprinted home and watched a shit tonne of porn to be honest” Louis joins in on the laughter at this, eyes not quite crinkling but he doesn’t look as uncomfortable.

“That easy huh?”

Harry takes a tentative breath, hyper-aware of the actual reason they were having this conversation. “I know it’s not that simple for everybody but yeah, it was that easy”

“How did you kno-“

“Oi! You two! Fucks sake, we’ve got to get back!” Niall’s shrieking interrupts Louis mid question, he’s stood on the fence they climbed with his arms waving wildly, Liam and Zayn hovering behind.

Moment clearly gone, Louis hops out of the grass and shouts a quick ‘ _race_ _ya’_ before he’s sprinting back toward the rest of the boys and leaping over the fence. Harry’s a bit slower going about things, he trudges back to the rehearsal studio, stopping to lift himself over the fence and brush the last remnants of grass from his bare calves.

When he finally rounds the front of the building, the musicians have already left, and Fleur is lowering the roller shutter down over the front of the building whilst the boys are checking their phones around the van.

“That went a lot better than I thought to be honest” Liam says when Harry falls into the loose circle they’ve formed. “Sick hearing you sing the new ones Zayn”

“I still can’t believe you actually set aside bits for me, bunch of saps the lot of you” he replies coolly, but Harry can tell he’s actually really touched by the gesture and he’s glad he’s suggested it all those years ago.

Fleur joins them once the shutter is locked in place, throwing open the back doors to the van with a devilish grin. “Alright lads, back in the van you get”

There’s a collective groan but one by one they all file in, using the journey here as a learning experience they all seem to slot together better this time around and each corner doesn’t feel quite as sharp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & kudos always appreciated :) 
> 
> Love x


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowwww I'm so sorry it's been so long!! 
> 
> I have exactly three excuses as to why this is so delayed:
> 
> 1\. It was my birthday in August so in true Leo fashion I had to celebrate for at least three weeks straight.
> 
> 2\. I've started work full-time again post-covid and honestly it's kicking my arse
> 
> 3\. This chapter was horrific to write lol, I'm not happy with it at all but at this point I'm sick of reading and re-writing so here we are!!
> 
> So so sorry again, I won't leave it so long next time. Promise! x

_2 nd July 2020 – London, England_

_The first had been Louis’ idea, coming down from the adrenaline after a show one night, he and Louis were crammed into a bus bunk somewhere in America (Texas he thinks, somewhere Southern at least). Eleanor had just left to return to Manchester and Harry felt like he could breathe for the first time in a week, with the knowledge he had Louis all to himself for at least the next month._

_They were curled around each other, Harry the little spoon as always, Liam snoring somewhere nearby whilst Niall and Zayn were off galivanting with a few of the crew after the show. Harry was on the verge of sleep when Louis’ hand started tracing the star tattoo lightly, tickling just enough to make him squirm a little._

_“What are you doing?” Harry asked, voice a little whiney as he mourned the delay of sleep._

_Louis hummed, feigning ignorance. “Are you going to get anymore d’you think?”_

_Harry just shrugged in response, shoulders not making it far with Louis’ arm weighing them down as his eyes started to droop once more. This didn’t last too long as Louis suddenly ripped himself away from Harry and rolled out of the bunk, dragging the curtain to it’s almost breaking point before it sprung back into place. He was in the middle of chuntering his annoyance when Louis returned, black marker pen in his hand and a huge grin plastered across his face._

_“I get to pick your next one” he proclaimed, hopping back into the bunk and throwing a leg over Harry’s torso to hover over his stomach. “Close your eyes, let me work”_

_Harry closed his eyes and let him loose with the marker pen, getting used to the cool temperature and slightly ticklish drag after a moment or two. He started on his chest, moving onto his left arm and then the right, taking sweet time with each drawing and humming a few times in either appreciation or annoyance. By the time he was satisfied (or bored) Harry was once more on the verge of sleep and was rudely awoken by Louis flopping himself down so their upper bodies were flush together._

_“I’m done now” he whispered, only an inch or two separating their faces. “Pick your favourite and then you have to promise to tattoo it”_

_Harry nodded obediently, pouting slightly when Louis clamoured off him to shuffle down to the other end of the bunk. To be honest, the ‘Hi’ had been one of the last ones he’d seen, there were a myriad of other bigger ones that stole the limelight. For example, there was an intricate spider web spanning the entirety of his upper right arm, a small pair of boobs in the middle of his stomach and a cactus on his left forearm._

_When he eventually did make it to the ‘Hi’ he laughed, pointing to the two letters and rolling his eyes fondly. “I give you free reign on my body with a marker and the best you can come up with is ‘Hi’?”_

_“Harry” Louis scoffed, hand coming up to rest over his heart. “’I’ll have you know, that was the very first word I ever spoke to you. I’m completely and utterly devastated you don’t remember-“_

_Harry let out an embarrassing squeak before interrupting him. “You remember that?”_

_“It was like two years ago Haz, of course I bloody remember. I’m not senile”_

_“Yeah but you remember the actual words we said to each other?” Harry pressed further, moving to prop up his upper body with his elbows so he could get a better angle on Louis._

_“Well technically you didn’t say a word, you just made a noise that was a bit like ‘oops’ and a bit like ‘uh’” Louis muttered, face seeming to grow a little pinker._

“I spent pretty much all the next morning scrubbing my skin clean and then I got it tattooed in the afternoon” Harry says, hand coming to trace the ‘Hi’ tattoo subconsciously as Dr Anderson nods. “We thought we were being so discrete, like nobody would ever figure out the meaning of it but the speculation started after, like, two days” he laughs, remembering how they’d been genuinely stumped at how people had figured it out.

When Harry had first arrived at the familiar house for their double session, he’d been fighting a losing battle with tiredness, rehearsals and meetings were taking everything out of him as he tried to fall into a new routine. Thankfully, the doctor had noticed his exhaustion and had whipped up a delicious iced coffee, allowing Harry to drink in peace before they dove in for the day.

Instead of prompting him with a question or a topic this week, she’d asked if there was something Harry wanted to talk about instead, another sign she was taking it easy on him this week. For the first half an hour he just chatted her through what had happened in the two weeks since they last caught up, explaining why he went to LA and recounting the few conversations he’d had with Louis.

Things had actually improved since his return which was somewhat unexpected, pleasant conversation and polite questions here and there had made Harry heed Zayn’s advice and just relax into the situation. Things were fragile but, with every meeting and each passing day, Harry started to actually believe that everything would be ok.

Like just yesterday, when they’d been at Niall’s to discuss the anniversary show, and the other three happened to leave them alone; Harry maintained his lung capacity, Louis held up a decent conversation _and_ the world carried on turning. Progress.

Once he had recounted each moment that he deemed necessary to share, both Louis and non-Louis related, Harry had started on the topic of tattoos, deciding maybe it was time to really explain to somebody the meanings and stories behind them; starting with the easy ones and building up to the not-so easy ones.

“That was the first one that was kind of matching, I suggested Louis get an ‘oops’ one a few months later once he’d already got a couple and he actually went through with it. It was a bit… like liberating in a way? The fact everybody speculated what the tattoos were, but they didn’t actually _know;_ it felt good, to have a piece of us with me, on me, for the world to see. And when he got the matching one, I thought of it as proof to myself that he cared, it was addicting in a way”

****

_Harry got the ship tattoo in December of that year, Louis along for a piece of his own and Niall accompanying them for the day out and ‘a bit of quality time’. A friend of Tom and Lou’s had drawn the ship for him a few weeks back after he’d first mentioned it, loving the sentiment behind the symbol as his life was only snowballing further and further into the unknown._

_“That’s a fuckin’ big boat” Niall exclaimed when the stencil had gone on, making himself at home in a chair opposite._

_“It’s not a boat Ni, it’s a ship” Harry had sighed, having explained this to Liam only hours ago. “And before you start, yes there is a difference. Google it” Niall didn’t respond, just rolling his eyes before jumping out the over to Louis who was flicking through the booklet on the adjacent bed._

_“I like this version here, what do you think Haz?” Louis asks, holding a pencil sketch of a compass up for Harry to see, arrow pointing clearly to the word ‘home’. “It’s a bit of a softer style than the others I think”_

_They had been discussing the idea of getting tattoos that represented home for a while, Harry liking how big and bold the ship looked whilst Louis had been toying between a literal drawing of his childhood house and something a little less obvious like a compass. Finally, he decided on the compass after his mum strongly opposed him from getting their old three bed semi tattooed permanently on his skin (good call in Harry’s opinion)._

_“Yeah, I like that one Lou. Definitely softer than the others, bit more cartoonish which is more your style” Harry nods earnestly as Freddie the tattoo artist re-enters the room with a small trolley filled with inks and other equipment needed to get started._

_“This one it is then! Neil be a dear and go tell Sam I’ve made my decision” Louis exclaimed, giving Niall a gentle tap with his foot._

_“What did your last slave die of” the Irishman grumbled but nevertheless following through with the request._

_“He’s not dead, just otherwise engaged aren’t you Haz?”_

“It wasn’t really a big deal to us that they sort of matched, neither of us own the right to certain tattoos or images or whatever so…” Harry says with a shrug. “It was more about what it meant than the fact they co-ordinate. Mine represents finding my way back to my mum and family in Holmes Chapel, Louis’ the same but with his family”

“I understand that, I think it’s a really nice connotation and reminder for you both. Especially in your profession. I gather there are others though?” Sally asks, eyes subconsciously flicking to where the bottom of the ship is peeking out from beneath Harry’s t-shirt sleeve.

_When the tattoo artist had presented Harry with the few pages of ideas, the butterfly and ‘it is what it is’ piece had stuck out immediately and he’d laughed out loud. He quickly sent a picture to Louis with a quick ‘_ Can I steal your phrase? This tattoo is totally amaze’, _before telling the tattoo artist he was only really interested in the butterfly section, but he should keep the quote to give the quote to somebody else._

_‘It is what it is’ had always been a phrase Louis had thrown around throughout their time in the band. When they’d placed third instead of winning, he’d pulled the boys into a group hug backstage and tried to raise moral; ‘it is what it is boys, this isn’t the end yeah?’. After the boys had caught him and Harry kissing with a hand down each other’s pants;_ he’d grinned _, ‘it is what it is, no biggie’. Following Zayn’s departure, when the initial anger had subsided, and they’d concluded their band meeting which was filled with uncertainty and anxiety, Louis had just shrugged ‘it is what it is, we’ll make it work lads’._

_It was a few months later when Louis turned up to the tour with the quote emblazoned across his neckline, smiling smugly when Harry almost threw his neck out with the force that he’d whipped around to take a look. There had been no doubt it was the other half of the drawing he’d sent to Louis months previous. And so, the boys complimented him on it, laughing at how fitting it was whilst Harry did a poor job of biting back a confused smile._

“So, this one was meant to be one piece and instead you each got a half?” Sally asks, head cocking to the side slightly.

“Yeah… The quote just isn’t very me, I’m not a very ‘it is what it is’ person – I’m a worrier and I think I try to fix things or change things too much to be that way” Harry explains, knowing for a fact his mum would agree that he tends to want to fix things to a fault instead of just letting the land lie on certain things.

“What about Louis?” she asks, throwing Harry off a little because in truth, Louis was very much the same way. He wasn’t afraid to kick up a fuss or make sure things changed to ensure he got the best out of situations.

“Um, I’d say that he’s quite a passive person about a lot of things, but he can argue or kick up a fuss too… I’m not too sure how to answer that if I’m honest?” he says, brow furrowing slightly.

“Interesting” the doctor notes without elaborating further, jotting something down quickly.

Ignoring that particular sub-topic, Harry moves on swiftly. “Mmh I think the next one I got because of him was the rose…” Harry squints as if that would somehow jog his memory, the timeline blurry so many years and tattoos later.

_They had just finished the American leg of the Take Me Home Tour and a mountain of press for the movie, August blending into September quicker than any of them had even realised. They were in the US, finishing up a few last-minute interviews and photoshoots before they headed to Australia, and it was safe to say everybody was exhausted._

_Eleanor had been with them for the last couple of weeks, on break from university (although Harry was convinced, she never actually attended since she always seemed to be around) but thankfully she’d gone home a few days prior. It always took him and Louis a few days to recover from her being around, things a little awkward and forced between them as they adjusted to being in each other’s company again._

_After a few days of fumbled interactions, Louis would come seek out Harry in his hotel room or on the bus and they would go back to how it was before she ever arrived; kissing, cuddling, the odd sexual favour here and there. It didn’t make him proud to behave this way, sometimes it’d make him sick to the stomach when the reality of his situation sunk in, and other times he’d get so wrapped up in Louis he’d forget they weren’t the ones in the official relationship._

_This time, Louis landed in Harry’s hotel room armed with his Playstation and a crate of Bud Light, demanding they ‘train’ for the quarterly FIFA tournament with Liam and Niall they had coming up. They drank and played steadily, chatting about their families and whatever else that came up until Harry grew bored and restless of the monotonous game._

_“Louuuu I’m bored of this, let’s do something fun” he whined after an hour, smiling devilishly at the older boy._

_“I see how it is mate, get high with your LA mates like twice and now I’m chopped liver? Can’t stand a quiet night with your boy” he huff’s and Harry ignores the way his heart flutters at the ‘your boy’ endearment._

_“Oh, piss off, I’m just saying let’s stop playing FIFA. Why don’t we go for a Midnight Adventure?” he asks, knowing that’s the key to get Louis to play along._

_‘Midnight Adventure’ was a term coined by Louis back in the days of old (the X-Factor), when he wanted to go sight-seeing in London, but the small matter of fans and their security detail made it impossible. Thus, Midnight Adventures was born; much like the title suggested it was simply an adventure at midnight, made more fun by the fact they had to sneak past their team and hide from any lingering supporters. Louis and Liam had actually written a song inspired by their antics and the five of them were campaigning to model a music video on the concept too, although none of their management or fans knew, or would ever know its origin._

_“God fine! Get your sneakiest adventure clothes on and meet me in the hall outside in exactly three minutes ok?” and with that he was off, shooting off the sofa area and bursting out of the room without a second glance._

_Harry got himself dressed with the same enthusiasm that Louis had left his room with, hurried yet purposeful, making sure to dress appropriately for the weather whilst also picking non-descript clothing that wouldn’t draw attention. Once dressed he head into the corridor where he was met with the boy in question chatting coolly to Liam, dressed in the same clothes he’d left in not two minutes ago but holding a short stem white rose._

_“Liam’s on guard, let’s go Hazzy-bum” Louis whispered loudly, punching Liam on the arm before dragging Harry off towards the lift. He barely got out a ‘thanks Liam’ before being pushed into the lift._

_Rule number three of Midnight Adventures was always tell one of the other boys that you were partaking in such exploits, that way they could keep an eye out for you (the previous being ‘the first rule of Midnight Adventures is you do not talk about Midnight Adventures’ followed by ‘you do NOT talk about Midnight Adventures’ – all the rules kind of contradicted each other in all honesty, it made no sense but it came from the mind of Louis so nobody questioned it)._

_“Where are we going?” Harry asks breathlessly in the lift, watching Louis press the button for the lower ground floor instead of the hotel lobby._

_“Rule number six of Midnight Adventures is you can’t ask the instigator where you’re going”_

_“I thought that was rule seven. Rule six is always wear shoes since what happened in Amsterdam with y’know… plus aren’t I the instigator since I asked for this?”_

_“You ask far too many fucking questions. But well done for remembering the rules, you passed the test”_

_“There are tests now?”_

_“Shh, we’re here” Louis says as the lift signals they have reached the lower ground floor, the doors opening out into what looks like the restaurant kitchens which have long since closed for the night._

_They make it a few steps into the kitchen area before Louis abruptly stops, turning to face Harry with the white rose in his outstretched hand. “Oh, almost forgot your gift”_

_“For me?” Harry preens, taking the rose from Louis carefully, ensuring there aren’t any thorns and slips the short stem behind his ear. “Where did you get this from?”_

_“I’m breaking several of my own rules by telling you this but… I may have stolen it out of a lovely gentlemen’s bouquet when he wasn’t looking in the lift” Louis whispers, smiling cheekily as Harry pretends to be horrified._

“I’ve no idea how but we ended up outside Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood with a slush from seven-eleven arguing about whether or not colour existed in the absence of light and then who was the better midfielder out of Scholes or Lampard. Honestly, one of our more random nights but it was so much fun…” he smiles fondly at the memory, remembering how exasperated Louis got every time Harry brought up his A in GCSE physics.

“We’d started to drift apart a little by this time, I think. This night was exactly what we both needed… I got the rose tattooed as like a symbol for this… for the good times, to remember that whatever happened I had the good memories too” Harry pauses, a little stunned at his own honesty as he tried desperately to supress the fact he’d somewhat ignored his own advice

“I can only imagine how much of a handful you two were” the doctor remarks fondly, thankfully giving him little time to dwell. “The rose makes for a lovely tattoo… does Louis have a matching one of those too?”

Harry can’t help but grimace as he’s reminded of the harsh dagger adorning Louis’ forearm. “No- no he has a dagger”

“A dagger?” Sally asks confusedly.

“I don’t actually know for sure it’s like related to my tattoo or anything… we’ve never spoken about it but basically um-“ he takes a moment to think about how he can best explain. “A lot of people get roses and daggers together right, because they represent like the beauty and the bleakness of life, I guess? The dagger is in literally the exact same place as my rose on his arm so it’s a bit hard to not link the two, but it was over a year later that he got it so…” Harry shrugs, not sure what else to say on the matter.

“You’ve never asked him what it means?”

“Well not really, Niall did whilst I was there, and he just said a line about liking the picture. Zayn seems to think it’s definitely related though so not sure if Louis told him something” he ponders, bringing his lower lip between his teeth.

“Are there more?” Dr Anderson asks, seeming to know the answer already.

He laughs sheepishly, a little embarrassed he can recount so many stories like this. “Yeah, I mean, there’s more for me but I dunno about him… we never really spoke about it much? When I got the rose, I think he knew what it meant but he never really asked me about it or anything, same when he got the dagger”

“Ok then. Why don’t you tell me about the others and what they mean to you?”

_It was the day before his 20 th birthday party and he was spending the day with Niall, or more like Niall was spending the day with him since he’d decided to go and get a couple tattoos and grab lunch with Gemma. He didn’t mind Niall tagging along really, it was nice to get a bit of one-on-one time with him since that could be quite rare these days. Plus, he was a great person to get a tattoo with since he could literally talk your ear off about anything and distract you from the pain at hand._

_“What ya getting then?” Niall probed. “Plane? Train? Automobile?”_

_“Why on earth would I get any of those things?” Harry laughed as they made their way into the tattoo parlour._

_“Hey Harry, you’re a bit early but just head to room three and he’ll be there in a bit alright?” Beth the receptionist greets him whilst barely looking away from her phone, gesturing loosely towards the corridor which houses the private rooms._

_“Thanks Beth!”_

_“Dunno why you’ve got a boat either but whatever” Niall grumbled as they enter the empty room. It was fairly tame compared to a lot of studios Harry had visited over the years, walls white and adorned with only a select few artwork pieces opposed to dark colours and hundreds of images._

_“A ship. I’m finally getting the laurels done and I was thinking maybe like a broken heart too, like a half a heart?” he makes a heart shape with his hands and mimics it breaking, only half joking as he dramatically pouts his lips for emphasis._

_“Jesus Christ” Niall mumbles in response. “Why would you be getting that then?” Harry shrugs at the question but it’s clearly written on his companions’ face that he knows the reason anyway._

_Harry and Louis had been fighting lately, a lot. They don’t speak much on stage anymore; Louis actively avoids him in interviews and they never really spend any ‘alone time’ together anymore either. It’s confusing more than anything for Harry, one minute they’d been fine and the next he’d been given the cold shoulder. That’s not to say_ everything _had come to a stop, because there were odd nights here and there that Louis would arrive at Harry’s door or roll into his bunk with soft kisses and hurried touches - but they were dwindling._

_  
“What? Too obvious” Harry sneers a little but there’s no real malice behind the words._

_“It’s a bit… on the nose” Niall chuckles. “More than that, I just think you’re better than that Harry. You got your heartbroken, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never love again or that it’s permanently broken y’know? Think of it more as being shot with an arrow than a shotgun” he mimics shooting Harry with both of those weapons with a grin._

_“Very visual” Harry snorts. “But yeah… I guess” he nods, not entirely convinced._

_“Look, Harry, I know these last few years haven’t been completely plain sailing for you and it’s hard watching him with El but there’s nothing you can do that’s going to change any of it at this point. He chose her and as fucked up as I – and just about everybody else who has a brain cell – thinks it is, it’s true” he finishes and Harry can’t help but wince at the harshness of the words, despite the soft delivery. Almost four years in and Niall continued to surprise Harry when he imparted pearls of wisdom such as this._

_“As your friend, just yours not his, I think that you need to try your very best to give him up. Whatever the fuck kind of thing you’ve got going with him is like… it’s like a temporary fix to a much bigger problem that needs solving. He’s letting this thing with you carry on, knowing fine well how much you’re hurting and it’s just not right” Niall declares, shaking his head slightly._

_“Don’t you think I’ve tried? Didn’t you see how much I tried to stop whatever this shit is last summer? I think in some sick way I must like the pain or something because I know it’s wrong and I know we should stop but I can’t Ni” Harry whimpers quietly, allowing Niall to pull him into a tight hug._

_Niall strokes his head softly, shushing the quiet sobs. “That’s not the case H, you’re a good lad, you’re just a fool in love”_

_“A fool” Harry repeats, nodding against Niall’s chest as he tries to figure out how he reached this point._

_“A massive fucking fool”_

_“Alright alright”_

“I managed to get a hold of myself and when they were tattooing the laurels Niall researched different styles I could get for the heart and we landed on this one” Harry pulls up his t-shirt sleeve a little to reveal the anatomical heart whilst twisting it towards the doctor slightly. “It was- is a reminder to myself that even though it hurt, it didn’t completely break me y’know? That heartbreak isn’t literal and despite the pain my heart is still fully functioning” and once again Harry is struck that even he’d allowed himself to drift from the beliefs he’d once gripped so tightly.

Sally nods solemnly, eyes skimming over the tattoo before looking back towards Harry. “I think it’s interesting the way you use your tattoos to tell a story, the way you want the good and the bad on there for everybody to see”

“That’s the nice thing though isn’t it, to everybody else they’re just pictures or little symbols but to me it’s memories and stories that make up my life” he explains.

There’s a lull in the conversation for a moment whilst the doctor hums and jots something down in her notebook once more, Harry thinks she must have almost an entire journal dedicated to him at this point although the thought doesn’t make him uneasy like it once did.

“So, the next night was the night of my 20th birthday party…” Harry breaks the silence, wanting to conclude this story quickly.

_Harry isn’t sure he’s ever been this drunk, he’s locked himself in the disabled toilet at the club just to give himself a bit of reprieve from the constant stream of people wanting to buy him drinks and insisting he do shots. Strictly speaking, he shouldn’t even be drinking so soon after getting three rather hefty tattoos but alas, you only turn twenty once and he’d been fine not following the strict tattoo etiquette before._

_There’s a vaguely familiar song blaring outside but he isn’t focused enough to catch what it is, instead he’s sprawled out across the floor and is marvelling at how nice of a toilet this actually is. The toilet isn’t really the main feature which is pleasant, there are deep red walls which are littered with photos of celebrities of time gone by, the taps above the sink are a bright gold and there’s an odd statue of a man playing a saxophone on a shelf in the corner._

_He’s eyeing the man with the sax very closely when he hears the toilet lock rattle, the door quickly opening and somebody slipping inside before closing it and locking once more._

_“Occupied” Harry slurs, squinting eyes never leaving the sax-man._

_“Jesus how much have you had” Louis says, suddenly appearing in Harry’s line of sight and blocking the view of the ornament. “Haz?”_

_“S’you” Harry says, finger pointing accusingly at the other boy. “Why you here?”_

_“Why are you sat on the floor of a toilet at your own birthday party?” Louis quips back, sitting beside him on the floor, nevertheless._

_“Sleepy… m’drunk” he yawns automatically, head rolling to rest on Louis’ shoulder. “M’so drunk Lou”_

_“I know you are mate; do you want to go home?”_

_“No, just resting for a bit”_

_Louis sighs but doesn’t really protest. “You’ve been in here half an hour, came to check you hadn’t choked to death or drowned or summat”_

_“I’m alive!” Harry screeches dramatically, causing Louis to wince and poke his arm which in turn causes Harry to whimper as he happens to catch his freshly tattooed bicep. “Tattoo” Harry pouts, lifting his head languidly to look at Louis._

_“Sorry, love, didn’t mean to catch you there. Is it ok?” he looks concerned which brings out Harry’s dopy smile. “You shouldn’t be drinking this much with a new tattoo”_

_“I got it for you” Harry sighs not thinking about the consequences to his words, head lolling around against the wall._

_Louis doesn’t flinch though and just lifts a hand to lightly pull Harry’s head down onto his shoulder, hand continuing to comb through his hair softly. “Oh yeah, what is it then?”_

_Harry hums happily, eyes drooping even more so thanks to the hair petting. “S’a heart. Wanted a broken one but Niall wouldn’t let me” somewhere in the back of his mind he’s aware his words are slurred but inhibitions are lowered so much he doesn’t register the actual words spilling out._

_“Why a broken one?”_

_“’Cos m’hearts broken duh” he hiccups, throwing his arm over Louis’ thighs and tucking his fingers underneath to keep them warm. “You broke it but it’s ok, Niall said I’ll get better… d’you know when that will be?”_

_“Harry” he sighs, fingers stilling in his hair for a moment._

_“Sorry, sorry s’not broken” he amends, trying to remember how Niall had described it yesterday. “Damaged from an arrow, not a shotgun” he nods into Louis’ chest._

_“Not a shotgun, right” Louis voice sounds strained and Harry hopes he isn’t sad, but he doesn’t really feel like moving right now. “I love you Haz, you’ll always be special to me"_

_“S’not your fault you don’t want me” Harry half-shrugs and ignores the quiet choking sound Louis makes._

“Eventually I dragged myself off the floor and we went our separate ways back to the party, the next day I just pretended I didn’t remember the conversation but unfortunately I do” he grimaces at the doctor, but her face doesn’t budge in response. “Only a week or two later he got an arrow tattoo, I was too scared to ask about it, so I just ignored it”

“You’ve never spoken about his motivation to get that tattoo?” Sally asks, voice indicating slight surprise.

“Do you see a theme here? We’re stupid enough to permanently ink our bodies multiple times but not brave enough to just have a couple conversations about feelings” Harry snorts dryly, noting even the doctor allows a small smirk seep through.

“You do have an odd dynamic” she states politely. “It’s fascinating that you two didn’t discuss these acts before you went ahead. I notice it’s always Louis following in your path and never the other way around, why do you think this is?”

Harry sits in silence for a few seconds in contemplation, not quite sure how to respond without letting on that he was holding back, the anchor burning in its place on his wrist. “Uhh… I dunno?”

“How does it make you feel that you have matching tattoos?” the topic change leaves Harry grateful.

“Like I said, even just having the one made me feel liberated and validated in a way… it was nice to be that bold and free” he says openly. “We didn’t get much freedom with our image in terms of behaviour but our appearance and definitely our tattoos were like sacred ground that nobody could touch y’know? I think that’s why the four of us have so many, we dealt with a lot and it was a good way to get things out in the open without actually saying anything”

Dr Anderson nods attentively, waiting for him to continue. “Louis getting something related to me felt like… it felt like I was winning a game that nobody else was playing. He told me he didn’t want me but then he permanently ink his skin half a dozen times over with tattoos that matched mine… it was special to me” his voice cracks a little as he finishes speaking so he coughs loudly to try and put a halt to any tears.

“I understand that feeling, we’ve spoken before about people who engage in infidelity getting wrapped up in winning and losing and I think the tattoos are partly down to that. But I think you’re both very creative boys, you write songs and perform for a living, more than the winning and losing I think you were expressing yourselves in one of the only ways you knew how”

“That- yeah” Harry nods.

“What about now? You said how it made you feel at the time but what about now that you’ve had some time away and gained some hindsight, any regrets?”

“No” Harry says quickly and firmly. “I don’t regret any of them, the meanings haven’t changed for me, have they? They still represent friendship and heartbreak and so many other things, maybe I just needed reminding of that really… I’d like to think he’d say the same in my shoes too”

“Well… do you think you’re ready to speak with Louis on this? I think an open discussion on what they mean to you both and the reasonings would be good for you _both_ ” she states, placing extra emphasis on the ‘both’. “Of course, don’t feel you have to but do consider it ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll consider it”

He considered it every second he drove home after their session concluded and then he considered it for the forty-minute drive to Louis’ house after arriving home and realising he wanted to speak _now_ , and a phone call just wouldn’t do.

He can’t stop twitching in his seat, something akin to adrenaline bubbling up and making him antsy to get there and talk, he manages to stop the twitching about three quarters of the way in, that is until he remembers Louis may not even be in at all and the journey would be for nothing. There’s a moment where he contemplates turning around, wonders why he thought randomly turning up at Louis’ house would be a good idea, but something pushes him on.

Harry’s actually only been to Louis’ house twice before. The first time was for his house-warming party, Harry had turned up with Niall, lasting all of thirty minutes before Eleanor’s presence and Louis’ worried glances became a little too much, so he left without bothering to say goodbye. The second time was for a ‘lad’s night’ shortly before Zayn left, when they were trying to pretend everything was fine and not falling apart, he hadn’t stayed long this time either. Luckily, he’d driven there both times before therefore he was comfortable with the directions.

There is a large gate at the head of the property, much like at Harry’s own house, and he sits with his arm hovering around the intercom system for a solid two minutes, knowing that there’s no turning back once he hits the call button. Eventually he gets worried he looks like a stalker and forces his finger onto the green button, arm recoiling quickly as he waits for Louis to answer.

There’s a slight crackling before Louis voice comes through the speakers, tone confused. “Hello?”

“Um… it’s Harry?” he says, shifting a little closer to the box and praying Louis can actually tell it’s him. “Harry Styles” he adds for good measure.

The gates suddenly shift to life. “Come through mate”

Louis’ house has a much more of a ‘country estate’ vibe than Harry’s home in the city, the lengthy driveway that sprawls out from the double fronted mansion means he’s allowed a few moments more before he tries to explain why he’d turned up here unannounced.

Harry hears Louis before he sees him, the sound of dogs barking accompanied his distant cursing. The door flies open before Harry has to decide whether or not to knock, a very dishevelled Louis appearing, hunched over as he grips onto Clifford’s collar for dear life.

“Alright lad! What are you doing here? I’ve not forgotten out band-wise, have I?” Louis asks, wrestling to get a better hold on Clifford as Harry tentatively makes his way up towards the threshold of the house.

“Um… no. I thought we could chat, like, if you’re not busy? Sorry you’re probably busy I should have scheduled this better, I’ll just go-“

“I’m not busy!” Louis blurts out loudly, taking one of his hands from Clifford’s collar to motion Harry into the house. “I’m gonna let him go now, he should just sniff you and fuck off but just watch he doesn’t flatten you again”

Once the door closes behind them both, Louis slowly releases Clifford’s collar and as Louis predicted he takes one sniff of Harry and trots off into the house which causes Harry to let out a quiet cackle of laughter.

“I’ll be honest mate, if it wasn’t for your ridiculously posh voice that you do when you’re on one of those intercom things I’d have thought it was a weirdo fan” Louis cackles as he leads Harry through into the kitchen. “Harry Styles” he mimics in exaggerated fashion, moving back towards the stovetop where there’s a couple of pans sizzling away.

Harry hovers in the on the outskirts for a moment, taking in the room before he enters. It’s fairly modern in style, a mix of white and greys with traditional acceelements, like the crown moulding and wooden accents thrown in. There’s a breakfast bar on the opposite side of the kitchen island to Louis so Harry takes a seat there before he starts to look anymore awkward.

“You’re cooking” is what Harry chooses to say instead of complimenting the décor or explaining why he is here.

To his credit, Louis doesn’t bat an eyelid as he nods a response. “Chicken pesto salad, there’s enough for two if you want some?”

“Pesto” he repeats slowly, remembering the day Louis asked if pesto was a type of tomato so clearly. “You’re making chicken pesto salad”

Louis scoffs and gives Harry a pointed look. “Harry, I’m a twenty-eight-year-old man who lives alone. I’m not completely inept y’know, I have to actually feed myself”

“I’ll have some please, only if you’ve got enough though” Harry ignores the sarcastic comment in favour of accepting some food, the delicious smell bringing forward the realisation it was quite a few hours since his last meal. 

Harry doesn’t know where to go from there so instead he chooses to focus his eyes on the marbled countertop intently, trying to find shapes and letters amongst the faint black lines; managing to find a ‘J’ and a stick man with no head so far.

“So, you’ve come here from therapy, right?” Louis breaks the silence eventually, coughing afterwards to clear some of the hoarseness from his voice. “Everything alright?”

_This is it_ Harry thinks, _just be honest and it will be fine._

“I was talking about my tattoos” he mumbles, unable to lift his gaze to actually look at Louis.

“Must have been there a while” Louis snorts as Harry just rolls his eyes.

“She thinks it’s weird we’ve never spoken about the fact we have matching tattoos”

“We have matching tattoos?” he quips, stirring the chicken and vegetables slowly.

“Lou” Harry sighs. “M’obviously not gonna force you to talk about it if you don’t wanna but well, yeah…”

Louis doesn’t respond and turns the stove off, reaching down to a cupboard and pulling out two white plates, setting them down next to the pan of food. He plates them a portion each in silence, pulling out cutlery before sliding the plates across to Harry and moving to sit on the stool beside him.

“Eat, then talk” he says eventually, automatically passing Harry the pepper grinder as if this was a routine occurrence.

As always, Harry did as he was told and ate the food in silence, humming appreciatively on more than one occasion at the flavoursome food. The dogs scampered in soon after and sat watching them patiently until Louis got up mid-meal to lay out two small plates of cooked chicken that he’d clearly set aside earlier. The dogs wolfed the meat down quickly and Louis went back to his own food like nothing had ever happened, Harry watching the exchange with a warm sort of amusement.

Once they finished their food, Louis quickly dumped all of the dirty dishes in the sink and grabbed a bottle of white with two glasses, walking towards the French doors at the back of the kitchen with just a flick of the head to indicate Harry should follow. Much like the last time they were alone, the silence is stifling, and Harry is itching to say something to break the tension, but no words come.

“Gardens a bit of a mess to be honest mate, nowhere near as lovely as yours” Louis says finally, leading them over to a small rattan patio set as Harry tries not to look too pleased with the compliment he’d just been paid. “I’m not much into it, me Nan says I should just hire a gardener but I dunno I like me organised chaos. Football posts on the right, basketball hoop on the left and a big chunk of grass for Cliff to dig up in the middle” he laughs, gesturing to each area as he goes, and Harry notes he wasn’t joking about the dog tearing up the grass.

“You’re too soft with them” Harry laughs along, watching with delight as his point is proven by both dogs hopping right up on the sofa next to Louis and crowding into his space. “Funcle Louis”

They outright cackle at that, both vividly remembering all those years ago when Liam had been close to tears after a particularly intense bout of _Louis_. He’d been poking at Liam all day, calling him Daddy Direction in interviews even though he knew it wound him up, dumping a bottle of Fanta over him on two separate occasions after he’d sat for almost an hour in hair and make-up.

As always, Liam snapped eventually and had started ranting about how Louis needed to grow up for at least half an hour, so when Louis just rolled his eyes and said ‘Soz dad’ Liam seemed to reach an unparalleled level of frustration. He’d threw up his arms and shouted ‘Well if I’m dad what does that make you? The crazy fun uncle? You _can’t just be Funcle Louis all the time, you have to be serious too_!’. The other four all seemed to stop breathing as the reality of Liam calling Louis a ‘Funcle’ set in before the bubble abruptly burst and they each almost wet themselves with how much they laughed.

“Jesus, Funcle Louis, haven’t thought about that guy in years” Louis smiles wistfully, pouring them both a large glass of wine whilst petting Bruce’s head softly. “I was such a twat back in the day”

“Was?” Harry retorts sarcastically.

“Oi!”

It’s like a bit more of the weight is lifted after that, Harry relaxes into the chair more and enjoys the taste of the wine, after a while Clifford decides Harry looks a much comfier seat and makes his way into his lap. They chat about nothing much for a while, Louis’ just got back from a trip to Doncaster with Lottie and moans about how big both sets of twins are getting and makes a few subtle comments about how great of a job his Nan and Grandad are doing with things. Harry talks about the lunch he’d had yesterday with Gemma and how they’d discussed him getting a cat she could babysit when he was away.

It’s not until almost an hour later they actually make it onto the topic of tattoos and at the realisation Harry is slightly dazed, he’d allowed himself to relax into the situation and found that spending time with Louis like this wasn’t all that bad, it actually could be done without panic and sadness.

Harry goes through the details of each tattoo like he did with Dr Anderson, able to skim across a few of the details of course since Louis was there for most of it. Louis listens quietly beside him, smiling or frowning at certain points but never interrupting. It’s only when Harry is finished that Louis lights up a cigarette, his first of the evening and Harry ponders if maybe he’s trying to cut down.

“Well I mean look, the Oops and the compass you know about yeah – there’s no hidden meanings there or anything I think we’re both on the same page with those aren’t we?” Harry nods, forgetting how logical Louis tried to be when they were talking about feelings or emotions. “The quote was just- It was a really weird one”

“Try me” Harry scoffs because yeah, he wants a bit more of an explanation than that.

“You’re fucking relentless you know?” he groans but there’s no actual annoyance behind the words, so Harry lets it slide.

“If there’s something my life I don’t like, I change it, and I don’t mind kicking up a fuss or arguing to get what I want, but there’s some things you can’t change no matter how much you’d like to. And I think that you will always one of those things to me… Years have passed, and we’re trying to move on, but I’ll always be your best friend who broke your heart won’t I? It’s always going to be there and that’s- that’s really fucking shit, but it is what it is. I have to live with that because _I_ done it.

“When you sent me the quote, and you got the butterfly, I thought it was a bit of a sign that maybe you were saying that too in a way. So however long later I was at Shangri-La and there it was on the table as an option Sparky was suggesting, and I was trying to decide between that and this space themed thing. Then right as I was about to pick the spacey one my phone rings and it’s you, and you have no idea what I’m doing but you ask if you wanna go to the United game the next week against City. I had a charity thing planned so I couldn’t go that week, but I suggested we go the week after, remember?” he asks forcing a nod from Harry as he casts his own mind back to try and recall.

“I suggested we go the week after but you pouted and whined because they were playing Everton at home next and it wasn’t as good of a game as Man City but you-“

“I said something like ‘it is what it is I suppose, we’ll still have fun’” Harry cuts in, eyes wide as he watches Louis nod curtly. “Fuck off did that actually happen”

“Shit you not mate, can you not remember me voice go all weird on the phone? I think I nearly passed out with how fucking weird it was to be honest” he laughs incredulously. “Then I definitely had to see it as a sign and I just about threw the stencil at Sparky to put on me”

Harry’s throat constricts a little as he forces himself to stop shaking his head like an idiot. “Jesus”

Louis sighs a quiet ‘yeah’, eyes scanning the horizon of his garden as he allows Harry some time to let the story settle in.

“The dagger… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this one yet if that’s alright?” he starts, smiling a little nervously as he follows the running order set by Harry.

Harry offers a shrug. “Of course, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want”

“Thank you” he says appreciatively, as if he’d been expecting Harry to force it out of him, and in truth maybe a month ago he would have but in his new found quest to explore a friendship the least he can do is give him some grace with things.

“No worries, now onto the next one I haven’t got all night you know?”

The story of Louis getting the arrow isn’t all that much of a mystery to Harry, Louis just confirms what he’d suspected all along that his drunken words in the toilet all those years ago had triggered something and Louis had decided to respond in one of the only ways he knew how. He explained it as a way to apologies and acknowledge what Harry had said without having to explicitly say (when Harry asked why he couldn’t just use words; Louis just scoffed and rolled his eyes as if Harry had asked something extremely absurd). There was some light teasing as Louis ribbed Harry for pretending not to remember their toilet conversation but just brushes him off, even if his cheeks tint pink he’s not embarrassed by the matter.

The dogs interrupt things slightly after that, Clifford taking the brief bout of silence as prime time to climb off Harry’s (rather numb) legs and nip at Bruce’s foot until the other dog relented and started chasing him around the garden. They made Harry broody for a pet in an odd way, watching the way Louis looked on with fond exasperation as they started to dig yet another hole into the grass, although he definitely figured a cat would be more his speed – he didn’t fancy a dog messing up his prized garden, at all.

In all honesty, Harry was getting ready to say his goodbyes, not really wanting to linger after he’d effectively got what he’d came for. Louis clearly wasn’t up for letting him off lightly however as he shot him a knowing smile and put on a show of clearing his throat.

“So, are we going to talk about it or are you going to pretend it doesn’t exist?” he asks and Harry blanches, not sure how he can skin this.

“W-what do you mean?” he retorts, stutter undoubtedly giving away his deception.

“You always were a shit liar, I’m talking about these thing” Louis says, holding his wrist against Harry’s to join up the anchor and rope.

“You’re going to make me tell the story”

“I want to hear your side”

_Harry had always thought there was something inherently romantic about New York in the wintertime, even before he’d actually visited the vast city, it was somewhere he knew he would love. After almost four years in the band, travelling across the globe and visiting an incomprehensible number of cities, New York was still the place that brought it all home for him really – how crazy his life had become._

_The Christmas he was fifteen, he’d spent one of his days off from school with his girlfriend at the time; watching no less than four festive movies – including one of his personal favourites, Serendipity. They were curled up on her sofa with a hot chocolate each and a small collection of snacks, when Harry promised that he was going to start saving his wages so that hopefully they could take a trip there in a couple of years._

_(It was a pipe dream that even at the time he knew would never happen, they broke up two weeks later because Harry just wasn’t really feeling it anymore and the following Christmas he spent as one-fifth of up-and-coming X Factor boyband One Direction.)_

_January 2014 had rolled around quickly and after a fulfilling break back in Holmes Chapel, Harry had tucked himself away at his apartment in New York, needing some quiet time to himself before the chaos started again._

_He had two blissful days before the peace was broken._

_Louis landed on the Tuesday, with tired eyes and a small suitcase in tow he mumbled a brief apology, locking himself in the guestroom for most of the day and leaving a very confused Harry to try and make sense of things. Apart from a few obligatory texts on Louis’ birthday, Christmas and New Year’s they hadn’t spoken much over the break, as far as Harry knew Louis should have still been in Doncaster with his family – not in New York City and certainly not in Harry’s guest bed._

_He called Zayn first because he thought that if Louis had confided in anybody it would be him, but he could offer no explanation and suggested Harry try asking if Jay knew anything. Instead of going straight to parent-level, he tried Liam and Niall next on the off-chance Louis had spoken to either of them which of course he hadn’t. On the verge of sending a casual yet slightly anxious text to Jay, Louis finally surfaced from the bedroom, with red rimmed eyes and a pathetic sniffle._

_“I broke up with Eleanor” he says in the doorway to the living area, Harry freezing on the sofa with his phone in one hand and a throw pillow clenched tightly in the other._

_They don’t speak for a few minutes, Louis slowly making his way to sit on the opposite sofa and immediately curling into a ball with his head atop his knees._

_“What are you doing here Lou?” is what Harry chooses to ask first because he knows, he just knows, Louis isn’t here to confess undying love and ask for a happily ever after._

_“I didn’t know where else to go” he mumbles as a response and Harry shakes his head despite the fact Louis can’t actually see him do so._

_“Try again”_

_“I wanted to see you”_

_“How did you even know I was here?”_

_“I spoke to your mum” and well, of all the people he’d think to call regarding why Louis was sat here right now, he wouldn’t have even thought to try his own mother._

“God, you looked like you’d seen a ghost when you opened the door and seen me” Louis interrupts his retelling with a snort, the pink tinge to his cheeks the only indication he felt anything deeper at the memories.

“Honestly, with how dreadful you looked you could have been a ghost” Harry smirks, dodging a poorly aimed slap. “You only had a bloody t-shirt on, it was minus two outside! And you never did say how you managed to get my mum to tell you where I was, she’s never mentioned it to me either”

“I just told her the truth, that I wanted to see you but keep it a surprise and she quite happily gave me your full address and security code for the door…” Louis pauses thoughtfully before grinning. “With all these deep fakes flying around it’s probably best she doesn’t do that anymore”

“She did have your number though, she’s not an idio- wait, what’s a deep fake?”

“You are joking! It’s like super sophisticated artificial intelligence where people can use this software to make it look like you’re saying shit you’ve never said, I’m bad at explaining but I’ll send you a link to a documentary I watched on it” Louis says excitedly, reaching immediately to pick up his phone but pausing abruptly, eyes narrowing at Harry. “Which I will do once you finish your story”

“And you say I’m relentless!”

_That first night, he lets Louis mope and cry softly, they watch Elf together at Louis’ request and Harry cooks a shepherd’s pie which they eat in mildly awkward silence. They sleep separately, although Harry tosses and turns as he stews on the possibility Louis might crawl in next to him like the old days – he doesn’t._

_The next day Harry has been for a run and a swim in the buildings pool before Louis surfaces, rumpled and soft from sleep it makes Harry’s chest ache slightly when he pads into the kitchen and helps himself to some tea and toast._

_“Are we going to talk about it?” Harry asks after Louis finishes his breakfast (lunch), taking the empty plate from him and putting it in the dishwasher._

_“No” Louis responds stubbornly, cradling the mug of surely lukewarm tea under his chin and avoiding Harry’s gaze. “Wanna smoke?”_

_“No”_

_They get high out on the balcony because Harry doesn’t want his suede sofas smelling of weed, and even with the expensive patio heaters Louis is still so cold that Harry drags his king duvet out there too and they squash into his hanging egg-chair together._

_“S’nice out here” Louis says as he lights up the second joint. “Cold though” he adds for what feels like the millionth time, shifting his feet so they are tucked tightly between Harry’s calves._

_“Yeah, s’nice” Harry agrees because Louis is pressed so tightly into his side, his body feeling so light from the weed that he subtly twitches each limb just to make sure they’re still in working order. And of course, then there’s the glorious view of the city, not quite as good as some of the hotels he’d stayed in, but it was still magical in Harry’s opinion. He ignored the fact he’d spent most of the evening side-eyeing Louis instead of the view._

_They order pizzas and eat there on the balcony, Harry scolding Louis when a large splash of grease drops onto the duvet but forgiving him almost instantly as their mouths press together for the first time in weeks, slowly but surely. After they eat, Louis tucks himself into Harry’s chest and mumbles nonsensical words until he fell asleep with Harry not too far behind him._

“I remember waking up and genuinely thinking I had frostbite with how cold I was, even your eternal flame had started to go out” Louis interrupts again with a shiver, reliving the bitter cold despite the fact they were currently in what was set to be the UK’s hottest July on record.

Harry snorts and shakes his head. “My eternal flame?”

“You’re like a fucking furnace constantly thus your eternal flame” Louis retorts, looking far too smug for somebody who’d just said the words ‘eternal flame’ when referring to another person’s body heat.

“Thus?”

“Ugh, I forgot how annoying your little nit-picking act could be”

“Nit-picking?” Harry says cheekily, unable to stop himself.

“Shut - and I cannot stress this enough - the fuck up. Finish your story”

_They don’t talk about it the next day._

_Once they wake, they shower (separately), to get warm more than anything else, and slip into the guest bed together since Harry’s duvet is both covered in pizza grease and smelled like smoke. Louis curls around his back and slings an arm around his chest, hand coming to rest just below Harry’s chin which he strokes softly as they flick on the TV._

_Tucked up in the duvet, mind still a little foggy from the weed, is the first time Harry lets himself wonder if this is it. If this is where things actually change between them, where Louis will finally admit there are feelings and emotions wrapped around this thing that they do. And it feels too good to be true, after at least three years of loving the man beside him with nothing in return, he tries to let himself down gently. But then Louis presses a kiss to his bare shoulder and so clearly nuzzles into the back of his neck and suddenly a future like this doesn’t feel too far away after all._

_They continue not to talk about it, even though Harry desperately needs some answers. They flitt and flirt around the important things whilst spending hours talking about nothing, playing scrabble and finding outlandish food to order at ridiculous hours of the night._

_They bake bread, Harry putting Louis in-charge of flour measuring duty and squealing in shock when a handful is suddenly thrown directly into his face, kick-starting a half an hour food fight and a two hour clean up. They watch at least ten documentaries on space at Louis’ request as he admits he’s been getting into learning more about the topic, hoping they get a chance to visit the Kennedy Space Centre next time they’re down in the Sunshine State._

_Harry shows Louis a couple of songs he’d been learning on guitar, stumbling through the chords and blushing as Louis gave him a standing ovation, even though he messed up more times than he could count. In turn, Louis shares odds and ends of lyrics with him and they work on them together spread out in front of the fireplace, surrounded by scraps of paper._

“Do you have any idea how many fucking songs come out of this week? I don’t think I’ve ever had a more successful few days writing wise” Louis says with a snort, not apologetic in the least for disrupting the story once again.

“Literally though” Harry agrees with a chortle of his own, thinking about the list of his own songs that materialised from that weekend on top of the ones they’d pitched to the band.

“I mean I know you haven’t actually listened to my album but-“ Harry interjects with a loud squawk, about to blatantly lie and say that he has listened to it. “Niall told me you haven’t so don’t lie Harry” Louis’ eyes narrow teasingly causing Harry to groan.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not very nice of me but up until like a month ago I literally avoided you at all costs so… and I mean even now I’m not like, I mean I- I’m gonna shut up” he blabs, ending up pulling his lower lip between his teeth before he can get anymore insults or embarrassments out there.

“You don’t have to justify Haz, it’s alright if you never wanna listen to it to be honest you don’t owe me anything. I was just gonna say that even my album references this week and it wasn’t fucking released for another six years!”

“Your album mentions… like, me?” Harry asks confusedly. He’d for sure thought Louis’ debut album would be an ode to Eleanor, laced with descriptions of her beauty and grace, maybe there would be a reference to their break-up make-up.

“Well, yeah? It- She is in there obviously but so are you… maybe you should give it a listen?” he suggests heavily, Harry noting he refrains from saying Eleanor’s name like she’s Voldemort. “I can probably get you a signed copy?” he adds cheekily to break some of the awkwardness and Harry just leans over to flick his ear.

“You’re getting me off track you pest!”

_On the sixth day of having Louis in his apartment, Harry awakes to an empty bed and the Manhattan sky still cast in darkness, bedside clock revealing it had only just gone half past one. He lays unmoving for a moment, trying to determine whether Louis is just in the bathroom, and his suspicions are confirmed when he hears the tap running for a few seconds. He’s asleep before Louis makes it back to bed._

_The next time Harry wakes is only two hours later and it’s to Louis whispering his name, carding his fingers through his hair softly. When he sees Harry’s eyes flutter open, he presses a dry kiss to each cheek and mumbles something about needing to get dressed before pushing a pile of clothes into his arms. In his sleepy stupor, Harry gets himself out of bed and starts to dress in the thermals Louis had given him, followed by the thick joggers and jumper, believing for a second they were with the band and he was being called in to record._

_“Lou” he croaks once dressed, eyes drooping as Louis appears in front of him. “What the fuck are we doing?”_

_Louis just laughs and slips a pair of gloves over Harry’s hands, he keeps the left clutched firmly in his right as he leads him through the apartment and out onto the streets of a very dark, cold, New York City._

_“I fancied a walk” Louis says after a moment of standing staring at Harry, the biting temperature already causing his nose to turn pink despite the stolen beanie and scarf he’s sporting._

_“Alright” Harry responds without even thinking to question, adjusting their joined hands to a more comfortable position before turning left and praying he remembers enough about the neighbourhood to take them on a quick walk without getting lost or, like, stabbed or something._

_Greenwich is quiet at the early hour but there’s still the distant noise of partygoers and the rhythmic sounds of trains somewhere nearby. Harry leads them East, towards the Hudson, deciding he’d quite like to see the view over the river at night and there are some good landmarks along the way._

_They pass by Stonewall and Harry explains the history to Louis, who listens intently and makes an angry or sad comment here and there. To lighten the mood, Harry diverts their route to show Louis the building that was used for outside shots of the Friends apartment block and they take a (very) poorly lit selfie whilst being lightly mocked by two drunken NYC natives who happen to be passing by._

_When they eventually make it to the Hudson, the chill in the air has intensified to the point where Harry feels like his insides are literally freezing with each breath, so he adjusts both of their scarves to cover their mouths and noses and earns himself a hand squeeze thank you from Louis._

_“I didn’t think this through” Louis mumbles through his scarf, tucking himself into Harry’s side even tighter as they make their way onto Pier 46, lights blinking back at them from across the water. They manage it half-way up the pier before deciding to turn back, the wind chill from the river becoming genuinely unbearable and the possibility of frostbite becomes a little too real._

_“We’ll go the more direct way back, this was a fucking dreadful idea by the way” Harry chatters loudly, walk speeding up to power-walk level as he scolds Louis lightly._

_“Not my fines- oh Harry look, a shop!” Louis squeals excitedly, stopping dead in his tracks and pulling Harry back a few paces by their hands to view the shop in question._

_“We are absolutely not going in there” Harry says, mildly horrified at the site in front of him._

_The shop in question is set back from the street, tucked between two much larger buildings it’s a wonder, and a shame, Louis managed to see the shop at all. As with every creepy shop, it had a flickering neon ‘Open’ sign in the window, bars on the window and no indication to what they actually sold within; the name ‘Smokes & More…’ giving off serious gang vibes to Harry in all honesty._

_Louis just scoffs and starts to walk towards the door. “I could use some cigs anyway, come on”_

_“But what’s the ‘and more’ mean Lou? What if it’s drugs or guns or-“ the answer is given as soon as Louis pushes open the small white door._

_“Good evening” a small elderly woman greets as they walk in glancing up from a book momentarily, clearly unperturbed by their wide eyes and gaping mouths._

_As it turned out, the ‘ & More…’ in ‘Smokes & More…’ was nautical themed nick-nacks, lots and lots of them. Two of the tiny shop’s walls were adorned with six shelves stocked to the brim with everything from keychains to prints, doormats to ashtrays. The other wall had general convenience store items like confectionary, a few magazines and what not. _

_“Well that was unexpected” Louis laughs, moving towards the shelves to inspect further and forcing Harry to do the same._

_“We get that a lot” the woman snickers, giving the shelves a once over herself before returning to the book once more._

_Harry is studying the mug selection, contemplating purchasing either a white one with the slogan ‘work like a captain, play like a pirate’ or a navy one that reads ‘I like big boats and I cannot lie’, when Louis thrusts something white and fluffy directly into his face._

_“I need him” Louis says, pulling the item away from Harry’s eyes so he can get a better look. It’s a small white bear with a red t-shirt on who looks entirely too clean and sinister to be found in an establishment like this – Harry doesn’t trust his little shiny black eyes one bit._

_“He’s so creepy” he whispers so to not offend the woman attendee or indeed the bear itself. Taking another look, he sees the red t-shirt has an anchor emblazoned proudly in the middle with a piece of rope floating from the top in two neat loops._

_“I love him” Louis insists. “Look at his little beady eyes”_

_“Fine” Harry relents, picking up both of the mugs and tugging Louis towards the counter before he can stake claim over anything more of the novelty junk._

_They end up getting a cab back to Harry’s apartment since there was one finishing a job just a little way down from the street and Louis was finally bored of being out and about at such an early hour._

_When they arrived back, Louis got himself comfortable in the bed whilst Harry made them both a tea and they cuddled up with ‘Cal’ the teddy bear (“Short for Naughty Cal Haz y’get it? Like nautical”) sandwiched between them._

“You know the rest from there” Harry says bitterly, not wanting to have to spell out his pain.

They’d woken up to messages from management asking for them to get over to LA as soon as possible because they’d managed to get a few more TV appearances in and the other boys were already there. So, they’d packed up, Louis going ahead and catching an earlier flight with Harry not far behind.

“I didn’t lie, I did actually break up with her for that week” Louis tries to reason, sensing Harry is very close to teetering on the angry route but it was too late.

“But you went right back to her! I- You turned up at my home and played around with me again, I really thought you might be starting to see us as more than that” Harry sighs shakily, trying his best to control the tears that were threatening to make an appearance. “It hadn’t even been a day, I got off the plane and there it was on Twitter of all places, you two tweeting each other like nothing had ever happened”

“I’m so sorry, so so sorry Harry. I’ve never apologised but I want you to know, it wasn’t a game for me to be there with you. I went to you because I needed you, I wanted to be there with you. I was selfish, I know that, but it wasn’t a game” he pleads, Harry actually absorbing the apology for once.

“By the time I got off the plane you’d got back together with her and by the time I seen you next you’d got that fucking rope tattooed” he jeers sharply whilst reaching to softly stroke a finger over the ink on Louis’ wrist, the other man flinching at the obvious disconnect between words and touch. “I was so confused and angry at you, I knew right away it was from that fucking bears t-shirt and I just couldn’t understand any of it. Why you’d been there with me, why you’d left her and then got back with her, why you’d got that tattoo”

Louis grabs Harry’s hand abruptly, holding it in place atop the table. “I got it so I wouldn’t forget, that I-I didn’t want to forget it”

“I got mine to cover up the words, they weren’t true anymore after that. I had to change, be stronger and better and make sure I never let you make me feel like that again” Harry responds lowly, refusing to meet Louis’ eyes. “And I wanted something that would remind me of that time but all I could think about was that fucking bear and the fact you’d got the rope so” he shrugs and worries his lip between his teeth.

“Is there anything I can say to make this better? To make you want to still try and be friends again?” Louis sniffs, eyes crinkling as a giveaway he’s trying not to get emotional.

“There’s nothing you can say, I’m still gonna try to be your friend again” Harry sighs, forcing himself to smile as he mentally plans out how he’s going to excuse himself to go home. “As you said, it is what it is”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & kudos welcome! 
> 
> Also, no hate if the tattoo timeline is a little messed up! I tried to stick to real-life as much as possible but obviously had to alter things to fit the story.
> 
> To get things as accurate as possible I used Bulletproof Larry's tattoo timeline on Tumblr which is linked below :) x
> 
> https://bulletprooflarry.tumblr.com/post/57816286830/timeline-tattoos-to-date


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> There's a fair bit of chat around anxiety towards the end of the chapter. Nothing overly detailed or graphic but anxiety is mentioned a fair bit and so are some 'anxious situations' e.g. there's mention of a train wreck so just a heads up...

_8 th July 2020 – London, England _

Fleur had messaged a few days ago and asked the five of them to sit down with her and answer some questions for a press pack she’s having made up, due to be sent out after the live show later this month. The idea was they could distribute these around and the boys would be saved from having to do too much press while the news was still hot (they were actually planning to escape to a house in Antigua for two weeks to record whilst things died down, but that was strictly _need to know_ ).

They were set up in Harry’s house on this occasion at Niall’s request, apparently, he was sick of looking at his living room, which was perhaps a bit dramatic, but they’d accommodated and managed sneak the boys through the gate in the back of Fleur’s now beloved van. Fleur had quickly claimed the large armchair for herself and forced the five of them to squash onto one sofa so that her phone could supposedly pick up the audio better.

Once they were settled, she quickly went through an explanation of how the session would work, mainly for Zayn and Louis who hadn’t bothered to read her briefing form and set the voice recorder going on her phone.

The first few questions were fairly easy to answer, and they managed to get through in a matter of minutes; Fleur just prompting them on things like “ _Immediate thoughts on the reunion, one word answers only_ ” and _“The story of how did it happened” or “Any negatives to a reunion?”_ – all generic questions which will help fans and journalists to paint a picture of how this played out. Both Fleur and Jeff want them to be more honest with fans on the negative side of life in the band, so nobody really holds back which was a welcome change.

It’s the next question (“ _What has changed with your band dynamics since the last time around?_ ”) that causes them each to pause and ponder the question at hand. Harry wonders if the others are perhaps doing this for dramatic effect at first too because in reality, he can narrow it down into one very concise point:

  1. He and Louis are no longer doing whatever it was they were doing



Apart from that, literally nothing else has changed in the way they operate and interact with one another.

Liam is still their appointed speaker, asking all the right questions to their management or solicitors and storing the answers away just in case one of the other boys asks him about it later on. They realised early on that it was important for Liam to feel like he had a role, a job outside of the entertainment side of things, which is why they let him take the lead in and each humour him when he acts like they don’t have a clue. Often times he still needs reminded to relax or have fun, but they’re all a lot more comfortable in telling him to do so these days, and he definitely takes the advice better too.

Zayn as a person has changed a lot since leaving the band, as they all had, but his role within the group hasn’t. He spends most of the time on the outskirts, quietly listening and absorbing information, only speaking up when he feels there’s an injustice or somebody has gotten something wrong. The only time he’s not sat brooding is when he’s on a ‘mad hour’ as they refer to it. Like a child who’s ingested too much sugar, Zayn gets sporadic bouts of energy where there’s no shutting him up and the only thing you can do is join him or admit defeat. These mostly occur when things are getting too tense or boring and Harry has a theory that he secretly does it on purpose to help keep the peace.

Harry knows that Niall is thought of by fans as a happy go lucky, always laughing, Irish angel and for the most part this is true. What fans don’t realise however is that Niall has a very strategic mind, he enjoys the planning and the detail that goes into their job, appreciates that to get from A to Z there are twenty-four other steps you need to take in order to do it right. He’s spent years building up a strong knowledge of the industry, talking to secretaries and execs and everybody in between. As much as Liam is the voice, Niall is definitely the brains and he has been the driving force behind lot of important decisions over the years.

Louis is much harder to pigeonhole into a role; he tends to meld into what’s needed at the time and that’s why it works so well. If Liam or Niall are having an off day, he’ll step into their shoes quite comfortably, able to manage both functions with an ease. When somebody needs cheering up, he’ll go the extra mile to make them smile and similarly if somebody just needs to vent then he’ll happily offer a judgement-free ear. When Harry finally recognised what Louis was doing, he knew that he’d been right all those years ago to categorise him as the leader, they simply wouldn’t function without him.

It had taken Harry some time to find his own standing within the band, things seemed to come so natural to everybody else it had definitely weighed him down in those early months as he tried to find his place. It was only when they started gaining more popularity and attention that it become abundantly clear that he was the scapegoat, the face that the media fixated on and watched with laser focus just waiting for him to put a foot wrong.

At first it was a lot, being a literal child and having strangers send you hate and say that you’re ugly or that you can’t do your job was really tough, there was no way around it. Eventually social media hate translated into journalists writing lies about his bedroom habits, speculating on the dozens of women he’d apparently bedded who were of a certain age.

It was after the release of their first album that Harry started to see that his inflated public image didn’t really affect them in a negative way like he’d worried it may. They were in America, which at the best of times could be an amazing display of how far they had come and at the worst was a stark reminder of how cruel people could be.

The hate they got over there was something that had surprised them all, despite the hundreds of thousands of adoring fans that fiercely supported them on social media, the American media were callous in a way that stunned even their most experienced members of their team. It was the continuous nit-picking of every single ‘flaw’ they had, conversations that felt more like police interrogations, interviewers trying to trip them up and suggest double meanings to all their answer. At times, people were even so blatantly racist towards Zayn that the five of them had black-listed nearly a dozen journalists within their first year of operating in the market alone.

The response was still overwhelmingly positive, but it was there, at the back of their minds that such hate lay beneath, one foot out of line and the vultures would strike. Then along came Taylor Swift, self-proclaimed America’s sweetheart, a girl Harry came to recognise as a good friend and an even better businesswoman, despite their bogus beginnings. She’d taught Harry all about the art of media manipulation, making people see one thing when really, it’s another, and causing diversions in order to move attention away from certain things. Even though the other boys weren’t overly keen on Taylor, they did have a lot to thank her for in the end really.

_(“It’s like, we’re going out for a walk, tomorrow right? So, I can guarantee that unless one of them like, kills somebody or something, nobody is gonna care what your bandmates are doing when these pictures break. Everybody is gonna think that America’s sweetheart and England’s newest heartthrob are dating when in reality, this is just good promo for us both. You need to use their attention to your advantage, not the other way around. Do you get it?”)_

And it didn’t become second nature overnight but eventually he learned to lean into the spotlight more, consciously making cheeky comments in interviews, or asking if his female friends minded leaving via the front so they could be photographed together. The other boys called him on it from time to time, asking him to please stop throwing himself under the proverbial bus every time there was a whiff of trouble or one of them got a bit of heat in the media, but he grew to oddly like the role and knowing he was helping them through tough times actually helped him through his own dark days.

Thankfully either management didn’t care, or they never noticed that almost every bit of ‘undesirable’ press One Direction received was followed by a rumour circulating about a model Harry was seeing or something of the like. Although he did get a rather sarcastic ‘ _you after my job Styles?’_ when he managed to pretend to rekindle (can one rekindle something that was never actually alight?) things with Paige around the time of _that_ weed video.

Of course, Harry didn’t only think of himself as a face. He enjoyed strategizing with Niall and being silly with Zayn, he enjoyed writing with Liam and Louis, tweaking songs until they got them just right. But there’s also part of him that knows if he hadn’t been that way, helping to shield the softer characters of the other boys, then the wheels would have come off years ago. It’s the way it goes, the status quo, and as much as Harry hopes he won’t have to put on quite a show this time around, he’s prepared to if it means making sure the boys had that extra layer of protection.

Clearly everybody else was a little stunted with the question that had caused this rather odd trip down memory lane for Harry, the five of them just sat blinking over at Fleur who was sat expectantly on Harry’s armchair.

“Well?” she prompts, waving a hand to indicate somebody should at least say something.

“I mean, nothing has really changed” Liam reasons, looking between the other four for agreement. “We’re older, but things kind of are just like they were back then”

“I can think of some dynamic that has changed” Niall mumbles, turning pointedly to smirk at Harry and confirming that yes, at least one person was thinking the same as him. _Little shit._

“Shut up” Harry hisses, elbowing Niall in the ribs before smiling at Fleur, hoping she wouldn-

“What’s that about?” she asks, eyebrows arching curiously because of course Harry wouldn’t get off scot-free.

There’s a chorus of thoughtful ‘ums’ and ahs’ from the boys before Louis speaks up. “I think we should just tell her” he sighs, looking over to Harry who nods slowly, too dumbfounded to even attempt to speak.

“Me and Harry used to… we had a thing, like a more than friends thing” Louis says slowly, Harry able to hear both Liam and Zayn sharply inhale as they turn ever so slightly to face him, angles all awkward due to being cramped on the sofa.

Harry can’t actually find any words to throw into the mix. This was the first time he and Louis were speaking face-to-face since the incident at Louis’ house last week, in which Harry all but ran from the property following their impromptu heart to heart. It was hard to know where they stood, things had been pleasant enough on the group chat and upon Louis’ arrival to Harry’s house, but they hadn’t really had chance to delve beyond surface greetings. Now this, it was more than confusing.

“Well, this meeting took a turn” Fleur responds, face stunned as she reaches over to pause the recording. “Can you three leave for a few minutes please? Just go sit in the kitchen or summat, I need a quick chat with these two” she gestures for Liam, Niall and Zayn to vacate from the middle of the sofa and leave him and Louis alone with her, which they do without even a look back, _the_ _bastards_.

“Sorry” Louis mumbles quietly, turning to face Harry who slowly mirrors the movement from the opposite end of the sofa.

“It’s- You don’t have to apologise, it’s fine, I’m just shocked is all” Harry shrugs, aiming for nonchalant, willing his eyebrows to stop dancing around his forehead and giving away his less-than-fine inner workings.

“Alright, before this turns into some weird therapy session, can I just put my two pence in please” Fleur calls a halt to the lingering conversation, commanding the attention once more.

“Of course, sorry” Harry apologises and begins to brace himself for a telling off of some sort, before realising Fleur isn’t the type and they were definitely not about to be shouted at.

“Well first of all, thanks for sharing” she pauses to send a genuine smile their way which helps to relieve some of Harry’s anxiety. “I’ve heard a few rumours about things you’ve been told in the past and I just want to make it clear that I’m your manager, not your maker. You can fuck who you want as long as it doesn’t affect your job – which it obviously won’t. And as your new friend, it is nice to be joined by fellow queers” she laughs cheekily which Harry reciprocates easily, not missing the way Louis shifts slightly at the word.

In an attempt to move any unwanted attention away from him, Harry takes the lead. “Thanks Flo”

“It’s Fleur”

“Yeah like I said, thanks for saying that Flo, it really means a lot. I’m bi but obviously not like, out publicly or anything so yeah” he continues, ignoring her attempt to correct the nickname they’d all started using. “I’m surprised Jeff didn’t tell you to be honest, I wouldn’t have minded if he’d told you… to be honest, is it something you’d have to know as our manager?”

She shrugs. “Like I said, nothing to do with me mate. One of the reasons I like working for him to be honest, he isn’t too involved y’know? I don’t have to tell you that there’s some really overbearing people in this industry” she sends them a knowing look and at least a dozen names pop to Harry’s mind that could easily be labelled in that way.

“You’re not wrong” he snorts, eyes subtly shifting to check on Louis who is staring blankly at the coffee table. “Y’know speaking of- well whatever this is, you should bring your girlfriend around some time. I could make goulash!”

Fleur gives him an amused smile. “Goulash?”

“Does she not like goulash?” Harry falters, trying to figure out how he got onto talking about fucking goulash.

“I don’t think either of us has ever had Goulash” she muses.

And that just won’t do really. “You’ve never had fucking goulash? Alright, you both need to come over for dinner. How about next week? Are you busy next week? Is she busy next week? What does she do for a living? Sorry, I think I’ve forgotten her name… unless you’ve never told us he-”

“Harry!” Louis exclaims, barely biting back a smile himself, able to see the obvious distraction tactic from a mile away. “You can stop now mate, thanks”

“Ok” he breathes, cheeks warming under the realisation he’d just went into full blown ramble mode. This wasn’t even the first (or second) time he’d somehow managed to start talking about goulash during one of these episodes.

“Now you’ve told me, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before” Fleur mumbles with a shake of the head, eyeing them with an apprehensive gaze. “Explains why you’re always so fucking tense with each other and that thing th-“ she stops herself with a jolt, eyes wide and very clearly about to say something she wasn’t supposed to.

The three of them sit in a slightly tense silence for a few seconds before Louis slowly stands, looking between the two. “Haz could we maybe just have a minute outside please? Won’t be a mo’ Flo”

Ignoring the shout of ‘ _it’s_ _Fleur’_ they both slip into Harry’s adjoining dining room, Louis flopping down onto the blue suede chaise lounge under the window with a deceptive level of familiarity.

“Lou?” he asks, treading carefully across the room and perching beside him. “Everything alright?”

Louis just makes a strangled sort of whining noise, looking at Harry with a shrug of the shoulders before throwing his head back onto the cushioned back of the lounge.

“Feels weird to actually say that out loud y’know? Don’t think I’ve ever like properly admitted to it before, everyone has either caught us doing something or guessed. Yeah, just weird” he takes a few heavy breaths, taking a lighter from his shorts pocket to play with.

“I get you, feels weird to hear you say it to be honest” Harry chuckles, nudging their shoulders together lightly, very thankful that he’s managed to get to a stage where mild joking about this is doable.

“That day in the field a few weeks ago, when I asked you about being bi“ Harry nods, able to remember the conversation quite clearly. “We got interrupted but I just wanted to ask like… how you knew it wasn’t just that one guy you liked, how you knew you were bi and not… whatever else”

“Mmh, I think I just knew to be honest, a lot of porn like I said and a lot of staring at half-naked men in Gem’s magazines” this elicits a laugh from Louis, making Harry crack a smile of his own. “Innit weird, like we’re in those mags now… d’you think I’ve been somebody’s gay revolution?”

Louis doesn’t bother replying verbally, just twitching his eyebrows and smirking slightly, causing Harry to blush profusely at the innuendo. “Speaking of… I’ve been researching sexualities and whatever, just trying to learn more” Louis explains, his own cheeks flushing as he suddenly becomes very interested in the frayed hem of his denim shorts.

“None really fit though. Like I can’t just slap a label on what I am and I dunno, hearing you just talk about how you knew you were bi and saying it with so much confidence just… yeah”

“It’s ok that there’s no label Lou, you don’t have to put yourself in a box just because that’s what other people do. Like, I’m bi but I think I lean towards women more y’know, whereas some of my friends lean towards men more, it’s all just fluid I suppose” he shrugs and hopes that he didn’t just sound like a complete twat. He’d gotten a similar talk years ago from a girl in LA when she was high, and it definitely sounded a lot… cooler and impressive when she said it.

“That’s- yeah that’s a nice way of looking at things actually, thanks Harry” eyes slightly watery, Louis manages a small smile which is happily reciprocated.

“I try”

This time Louis is the one who nudges him, shoulders lightly bumping together. “Sorry, I know this is really weird for you, just fucking bizarre living through this so many years on”

“I’m-“ he’s about to brush it away and go into default ‘it’s ok’ mode until a voice, that sounds suspiciously like Dr Anderson, scolds him to be honest. “I’m working through it and therapy is helping a lot actually. I should have you meet her sometime, would probably help her understand why you’re such a massive pain in my arse”

Louis scoffs. “You wish I was a pain in your arse, Harry”

“Louis!” Harry shrieks, loud laughter breaking through the quiet barrier they’d built up. “I cannot believe you just made a gay-sex joke!”

“Well, am I wrong?” Louis snickers and Harry doesn’t bother with a reply, not entirely sure what he’d say. Onceover he categorically would not have turned down the opportunity, but he wasn’t eighteen anymore and to put it in simple terms, _stuff happened…_

“Alright best get back” Harry jumps up and scurries out of the room before his mind has any more time to linger on that thought, pushing it as far into the back of his mind as it will go.

The rest of the meeting passes by with only three other noteworthy events happening.

Firstly, Liam forgets that Zayn left the band. He gets through telling three short anecdotes about the ‘five’ of them doing promo for _Made in the AM_ (even specifically calling out things Zayn said or did) when they have to pause and ask if he’s had some sort of memory lapse. There was no form of amnesia to blame, just the fact he’d had Bear for the last few nights who apparently loved waking Liam up in hourly intervals.

Next, Zayn trips and falls over one of Louis’ shoes when coming back from the bathroom and the pair of them have a three-minute heated argument until Fleur tells them both to ‘ _shut the ever-loving fuck up’._ Niall – through his laughter - forces them to hug it out and they continue things on like nothing had ever happened (although Zayn does give Louis’ shoe a rather hard kick when he leaves).

Finally, Harry vaguely agrees to going on a date with a friend of both Niall and Fleur’s, as it happens, they share a lot of friends and love to emphasise how _crazy_ it is that they’d never met previously.

The dates name is Ben, he’s 27 and he plays cricket for a living which Harry thinks sounds like the most boring job alive, but he gets reassurance from Niall, Fleur and surprisingly Zayn it’s actually a pretty decent gig. Apparently, he’s out to his family, friends and teammates but not to the public which actually does make things slightly more appealing to Harry, and it does eliminate the need for any awkward conversations about PDA or loose lips.

Harry had been intrigued to see how Louis reacted to him going on the date. It’s not like it was really anything new, Louis had obviously been around for a number of his relationships or dates in the past and Harry had long since stopped trying to evoke any kind of feelings from him on the matter. But it _was_ new in a lot of ways, they were finally starting to open up and be honest with each other about their feelings, so he did wonder whether Louis would have an opinion. Any curiosity was swiftly wiped away when Louis let out a low wolf whistle at a picture of Ben and joked that maybe he was out of his league, earning himself a light punch from Harry and a very confused look from the other boys that Harry just pretended he didn’t see.

(Whether or not he’d actually go on the date was still up for debate, a vague agreement was just good enough to get everybody off his back.)

It’s only when recounting the day’s events to Dr Anderson the following day during their session, that Harry fully allows himself to comprehend the gravity of his conversation with Louis and what this means. Louis had finally admitted to not only himself, but Harry too, that he wasn’t straight, he’d came out to somebody for potentially the first time ever.

“I feel like I didn’t say enough, I just said something stupid about sexuality being fluid or something… he must think I’m such a dick” he groans, head dropping forward into the bracket of his hands.

“Not at all Harry, you said yourself that he said those words helped him. The fact you didn’t make a big deal out of it and just let it happen was probably really beneficial for him in a lot of ways, like when you came out to your own family. A calm reaction and lack of any frenzied behaviour allows for a much more positive experience” the doctor advises sincerely, helping to ease some of the tension lingering behind Harry’s eyes.

“Yeah, yeah you’re right… I hope” they share a breathy laugh, the doctor shooting a look that gave off a ‘I’m never wrong’ vibe and to her credit, she hadn’t led him astray yet. “Do I reach out or something, I don’t really know what to do in this situation. I haven’t had an actual friend come out to me like this before”

“There’s no manual for this Harry, you doing the best you can is enough for Louis ok? It’s not your job to coddle him through this, he has to figure it out on his own”

As much as she was once again right, Harry couldn’t help but sigh, they’d touched on his ‘saviour complex’ a few times during their sessions and every time it ends with him in a huff. In his mind, wanting to help people shouldn’t be seen as a negative, but as Sally likes to remind him it’s not healthy to bear so many burdens on his own and there are some people and problems that cannot be fixed.

“The fact he was the one who came to you with this tells me that if he feels the need to share anything else with you, then he definitely will” she adds decisively, showing a tougher tone that is generally reserved for instances like this when he’s being thoroughly stubborn.

“You’re right” he agrees with a nod. “I have to trust that if people need my help then they’ll ask, it’s not up to me to force help on them” he recounts a line that Dr Anderson had told him countless times and receives a proud nod in response.

“Alright, why don’t we move onto something else. You mentioned earlier you’re starting to feel anxiety creep back into a few aspects of your life, do you want to talk about that a bit more?” she enquires, taking a sip of her water.

Anxiety was something that Harry lived with throughout his life.

The first time he remembers feeling anxious was when he was seven and learning about fire safety in school, they’d gone through different types of fires and when the teacher mentioned electrical fires Harry felt himself become hyperaware of every single electrical appliance in his home. He spent weeks convinced that the fridge or TV was going to spontaneously set alight in the middle of the night and thus kept his backpack with all his favourite possessions at the ready in-case he had to make a quick getaway. When his parents eventually found out, they took the time to go around the house and show him all the fire precautions they had in place and thus his anxiety gently subsided.

When he was thirteen, there was a train crash somewhere in the world and the footage of the upturned vehicle was enough to send him into a tailspin. He refused to go anywhere via train for almost a year, until eventually his mum weaselled the reasons for his odd behaviour out of him and slowly helped him overcome the anxiety by taking short train rides every couple of weeks. After a few months he could happily ride the train again with no fear and the pair of them took a slightly longer trip to London to celebrate.

Anxiety before performing was something that developed as a result of signing up for X Factor, before he had no qualms of getting up on stage or belting out songs for everybody to hear, because in the end it was just Holmes Chapel. To rehearse, he couldn’t even face looking at anybody, forcing his mum and often Gemma to stand outside the bathroom door and give him feedback that way.

Everybody tried to say he would grow out of it, eventually it would become second nature to get up there and sing, and to some extent it did but that didn’t banish the anxiety. He stopped throwing up before performances sometime during the X Factor tour, one show he did and then the next one his stomach didn’t feel the need to put him through hell. But the anxieties were still there, they just manifested in different ways.

The other boys got nerves, their bellies got fluttery and their palms got sweaty, but none of them dealt with angst like Harry did. After the vomiting, came the inability to speak an hour before a show, not only did he need a quiet space to try and calm down, but if somebody did try and engage in conversation it would feel like his tongue had swelled an inordinate amount which only served to cause more anxiety. Next, came the panic around safety concerns, he found his pre-show voice but only to talk to the riggers and security teams to get their assurances that everything was in-fact _safe._

Bottomline, anxiety is an ever-present part of Harry’s life, he deals with it every day in places that other people wouldn’t even consider. There were triggers, like performing or being mobbed for instance, but it also surfaced randomly like when he’s driving or cooking, he’ll get an odd bout.

“I think part of it is I’ve got used to being on my own performing and I’m nervous about being back with the boys again. But I know it’s like completely irrational, we were together in a band for longer than I’ve been on my own, so I _know_ it’ll be fine but yeah” he shrugs, running a piece of loose thread through his fingers.

“We can’t really fight anxious feelings in the way we want to; some people are able to rationalise with the thoughts but really they’re still there. I think reminders that you have overcome this anxiety before would be helpful for you, let yourself remember a few times over the course of the years that you have gotten past those feelings to put on a really great performance. It won’t banish the thoughts, but it will help you associate end results if that makes sense?”

Harry nods, immediately trying to recall specific times that his anxiety had been particularly bad, but he’d managed to smash a performance or interview – there’d been a few.

“I’m also a bit worried about being around Louis so much again… I’ve got a good handle on moving past my negative feelings towards him which I’m so pleased about” he pauses, eyes flickering towards the doctor who is looking on calmly. “But… I’m anxious about us being friends again and things going the other way. Last time ended in a lot of pain that I’m still dealing with now; I don’t want to do all that again”

“Are you scared you may start to feel more for than friendship for him?” Sally asks, pen poised against her notebook.

“I think so? The thought makes me feel a little… dizzy, and not in a good way. I don’t want to live through this again” he shivers.

“It’s important that you recognise you’re not stuck in a loop; history isn’t destined to repeat itself in any aspect of your life. I understand you have trepidations about having a friendship with Louis due to the complex nature of your past, but you’re both older and wiser now as silly as it sounds, lightning doesn’t strike twice”

Harry is barely able to stop himself from visibly wincing, thinking that that’s exactly what people say right before lightning _does_ strike twice.

Ps. If you wanna read 7 pages of the fake interview I wrote, click [here](https://writer.zoho.com/writer/open/gxdpjae8693e7174b47fbbdc82b97f3077ad5)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heylo,
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments n kudos are v much appreciated as always :) 
> 
> Love x


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I’m the worst at uploading, pls forgive? X

_16 th July 2020 – London, England_

In the week following Louis’ ‘coming out’ revelation, Harry finds that life actually does continue on as normal.

_Shocking_.

He also manages to drag himself on a date with ‘cricketer Ben’ too, which goes infinitely better than he first assumed it would. Ben was every bit as lovely and handsome he’d been made out to be and when Harry asked him about cricket, he was nowhere near as bored as he’d expected to be. They met for drinks and nibbles at a private members club that Harry was fond of and after splitting a bottle of wine it was clear there were no romantic feelings involved there, although they did vow to keep in-touch as friends - Harry found himself keen to go watch a cricket match after his initial apprehension and Ben wasn’t going to turn down free concert tickets.

Harry also forces himself to listen to Louis’ album, realising that if Louis can find it in himself to finally open up about his sexuality then Harry can probably listen to twelve songs that may or may not hold reference to him. The reality is, listening to the album wasn’t half as bad as he’d bigged it up to be, there are lyrics that sting and ones that downright burn – but it isn’t the overwhelming sense of pain and regret he once thought it would be.

Again, _shocking_.

“I just thought maybe it would hurt more, like I’d built it up to be this beast in my mind but really it was fine. I got sad at some parts, but the world didn’t collapse y’know?” he relays to Dr Anderson. Both of them seem to be revelling in the slightly cooler weather that this week has brought as Harry braves a long-sleeved t-shirt for the first time in weeks and Sally sports a thin cardigan over her signature white blouse.

“I’m so proud of you Harry, I know this was a really big step for you and I really just want to express how amazing it is that you managed to overcome a fear like this” Sally beams after his brief retelling of how each song made him feel, and with anybody else he may feel patronised but she just makes everything feel comfortable.

“I haven’t told him yet, I actually only listened last night ahead of coming here. I thought that if it messed me up then at least I’d be here to talk to you in the morning” he snorts, eyes rolling at how anxious he’d been only hours earlier.

Sally nods appreciatively, eyebrows raising a hair to indicate she’s at least mildly impressed. “Great initiative Harry, I really like how pragmatic you seem to have become since starting our sessions. Do you feel that in yourself? That your starting to become more logical and linear about your thoughts”

“I think so yeah, sometimes if I’m finding something quite difficult or upsetting to process, I try to think of our sessions and what I’ve learned so far. I definitely think it’s helping so… thanks?” he smiles shyly, unsure of the etiquette of thanking your therapist.

“You’re welcome” she replies kindly, which is actually a much better response than a polite denial of his complement as he’d been expecting.

“Um so yeah, I think that’s kind of all I have to share on my own this week” he shrugs, following the routine they’d fallen into over the last few weeks. Normally he’d go in and recount the past weeks event, covering everything Louis related and non-Louis related (non-Louis related generally covered everything from concerns about the band to family woes he’d been dealing with).

“That’s alright, there’s actually something I want to ask you about” she pauses, awaiting Harry’s nod which he gives willingly. “You have talked about all manner of things regarding Louis during our time together and I think the progress you have made is truly, truly remarkable from even just a few weeks ago… Something that I don’t understand however, is how you and him separated back then, how you went from spending every day with each other in a band to not being involved in each other’s lives at all”

Harry nods, seeing very clearly where this is coming from. Most of his sessions had centred around their relationship from when they were in the band, when they shared a complex relationship but a relationship nonetheless, it could be confusing for an outsider to see where the turning point lay.

“I suppose it started with the hiatus, we- all of us were just different towards the end and I think that’s what started it all between us really”

_The hiatus had been looming for a while, long before Zayn left it had been something they’d discussed as a fivesome._

_Harry and Zayn always agreed that they were in dire need of a break, time away from the utter chaos that surrounded their every move, in order to carry on surviving as human beings – never mind actually thrive. It was a hard line that had been drawn between the group, one that couldn’t be erased once formed and one that reared its ugly head in places that could not be concealed. There were shows and interviews where disagreements became apparent, a clear wedge had been driven between the five boys that fans started to pick up on and it’s not that it was argued about constantly, just that once it was out there for the five of them to see they couldn’t take it back._

_When Zayn did leave, this only made Harry’s need for respite stronger, outnumbered 3-1 he just didn’t see an end to the constant cycle of album-press-tour-album-press-tour-album-press-tour. Following the grief of Zayn’s departure, came an ugly bout of jealousy that he’d got the freedom he wanted, leaving Harry to fend for himself in the band. Although it didn’t take long for this to fade, in the end Harry was happy Zayn was happy and knew he’d get a break eventually. When not if, he liked to remind himself, when we get a break not if we get a break._

_It didn’t actually take that long for Niall to be persuaded onto his side following Zayn leaving, after a fifth covered-up hospitalisation regarding his knee and fatigue it was hard to ignore the very clear signs, he physically couldn’t continue like this. Liam and Louis were another story entirely, both refusing to see the obvious mistreatment they were all subject to; the success, the adoration, was definitely an addiction to them in some ways, the thought of giving it up even for a second often sent them into odd bouts of depression or anger._

_Eventually Harry and Niall had to give them an ultimatum, either we all go out together or the two of them would bow out in a similar fashion to Zayn. This finally seemed to give them a much-needed reality check and the four of them began speaking with lawyers and management to see how they could get out of the remainder of their contracted obligations. There was a lot more to it than a few conversations of course, they each actually ended up having to pay a fee to be released of the contract (still a sore subject, they argued that if they just refused to do anything nobody could force them, to which the legal team would say ‘no but they can bankrupt you’). It was a lot._

_Once they were given the news that it was done, that their last performance together would be on New Year’s Eve 2015 it was like an odd kind of calm washed over them, suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds ungrateful and harsh, but that’s the reality of the situation they’d found themselves in, desperate for a life away from the beast that made them._

_It wasn’t just an interesting time with the band for Harry, but also in his relationship with Louis. For the first time since his split with Hannah, Louis was_ properly _single, and Harry felt like they were constantly on the verge of something great. Eleanor was a nothing but a distant memory at this point and Louis started interacting with him on stage and in interviews again, subtle comments or gestures that led Harry to believe that once this was all over, they might actually have a fighting chance of getting out with at least a friendship._

_They fell back into old routines easily, the sharing of hotel rooms or late nights cramming into a bunk on the bus (although the fact Harry had grown half a foot since the first time, they done this didn’t make this easy). The guilt for feeling no guilt also disappeared, each time they shared a bed or kiss or something more, Harry could feel completely secure in the fact there was nobody else. Louis was his._

_Louis was his until he wasn’t once more._

_Harry, Liam and Niall found out about the Brianna and the baby together, Louis herding them into Liam’s hotel room one night and banishing the team from interrupting. He put the news bluntly; he was going to have a baby with some girl he had a casual thing with, and he’s scared but excited and he hopes they’ll support him._

_The news sat in the room for a minute before Harry burst into tears, everything he’d felt over the last few months crashing down with a blink of an eye. All the time he thought Louis was his, that it meant something to them_ both _, he was out seeing some girl on the side – the irony of the situation only came to him much later. Niall ushered him out of the room in a hurry, whispering something lowly to Louis who at least had the heart to get teary himself, Liam too shocked to do anything but gape at the scene unfolding around him._

“I know this seems like a really long-winded story” Harry says to Dr Anderson with a smile, understanding his stories can take a while at the best of times. “But I swear I’m getting to the point”

Sally smiles and shakes her head. “Don’t worry about that Harry, I always say you can share as much or as little as you like”

“Thank you” he responds politely. “Where was I? Oh yeah, so Niall like basically runs me out of the room and I’m a crying mess. It’s not like I thought we were going to ride off into the sunset together because he was single, but this felt so absolute y’know? He was having a baby with a girl and it was just like the final nail in the coffin for me that we wouldn’t be together, that he wouldn’t ever feel the same way I did”

_As had become the way in their relationship, Louis sought Harry out in the dead of the night following the baby news, ducking into his hotel room with a key he’d somehow sweet-talked from the hotel staff. Niall had only just left so Harry was still awake when he entered the room, curled up on the bed too bone-tired to even get under the covers, never mind undress._

_“Haz?” Louis whispered in the dark, feet shuffling along the floor towards the bed. “I know you’re awake, please talk to me”_

_“I think you should go” Harry asserts hoarsely, voice raw from crying to Niall for the last three hours._

_“Please, Harry”_

_“I have nothing to say to you” he bites, pursing his lips tightly and praying Louis just leaves before the tears come again._

_“Nothing?” Louis tries._

_“We’re done Louis. This, us, it’s over and I want you to leave” unfurling himself from his position on the bed, Harry stands and takes a step towards Louis, hoping he looks at least a little bit menacing despite his dishevelled state._

_“Over?” Louis chokes, tentatively taking a step towards Harry._

_“Over. Done. Leave” not waiting for any further comments, Harry closes the distance between them to grab Louis’ shoulders and turns him to face the door with a shove._

“The band had a bit of a break after that so I went into hiding a bit, didn’t tell any of the boys where I was going and just tried to get my head straight” Harry’s eyes water slightly at the painful memory so he plucks a tissue from the strategically placed box and dabs lightly at his eyes.

“And where did you go?” Sally asks softly.

“I just went to my sister, told her almost everything that had been going on and pretty much begged her for advice. I wanted out there and then, didn’t think I could stand to be around him anymore to be honest” he winces as he recalls how furious Gemma had been at him, at Louis, at how reckless and selfish they had been. It was one of the only times she had ever gotten truly angry at him and it’s stuck with him all this time, the disappointment in her eyes when he told her about the il-balanced love triangle he’d found himself in was something he never wanted to see again.

“She persuaded me to stick it out in the end, for the fans and the other lads. I’m not really a quitter and I’m not sure I’d have actually left but still, I needed that push in the right direction, I think… When I got back to the tour, I just kept my distance from Louis, from the other lads too really. I started staying in different hotels and doing my own thing even more, as like a coping mechanism really” he shrugs, twisting the ring around his thumb.

“We kept playing nice for the cameras and fans, nobody but our team really noticed anything had changed to be honest, but they really didn’t care either way. Niall and Liam obviously tried to talk to me, persuade me to patch things up but it was too late, I needed to protect myself at this point and I was just sick of the pain he brought me” Harry shudders, forcing himself to stop fiddling with his jewellery and wiping his clammy palms over his trousers.

“The only time I broke from this was at our, like, wrap-party thing. I let myself have one last moment with him…”

_It was January and the boys were already technically on hiatus, brought together one last time due to the party being held in their honour. It was a parting gift for everyone who had been on this journey with them, they were hosting a farewell party or a ‘see you soon gathering’ as Niall had taken to calling it. Everyone who had ever worked on the crew, the catering, the band, was invited, they’d even invited Zayn although nobody was surprised when he didn’t turn up._

_Harry had been filled with anxiety all night, the prospect of all this actually coming to an end was terrifying despite how much he’d waited for it. He’d barely seen the other boys all night, choosing to flit around the edges of the event space and keep his head down as much as possible. He spoke with various family members and members of the crew as he went, nibbling on the odd appetiser as the waiters passed._

_Then it was time for the speeches they had prepared, each wanting to say a little thank you to the people who helped them get here. They’d been corralled into a little green room area behind a thick black curtain, all looking at each other with mild panic and disbelief that this was actually happening. Months, hell, years even, Harry had been thinking of this moment and how it would look and feel when it played out, but nothing could prepare him for the overwhelming sadness that they couldn’t just make it work forever. It was an all or nothing thing, and right now it was nothing._

_“Well before we go out there and thank them, I just wanted to- I can honestly you lot have made these the best of me life. Couldn’t have done it without you all, so thanks lads” Niall’s voice wavered slightly as he pulled them into a group huddle, heads bashing together awkwardly._

_“Couldn’t have said it better mate, we’ll keep in touch yeah boys? I’m gonna miss seeing your faces everyday” Liam laughed and lightly scuffed his trainer on the floor nervously._

_“Fucking hell lads wasn’t prepared to be ambushed like this” Louis was so close to crying, Harry could tell. “Best years of me life hands down, absolutely gutted it’s coming to an end, but we’ll be back yeah?”_

_“Jesus” Harry breathed, laughing as the tears started spilling out from his eyes. “Fuckers the lot of you, making me cry!” he felt their arms tighten around him in the hug, none of them willing to let go just yet. “Gonna miss this” were the only words he could finally croak out, holding onto the embrace for as long as possible._

_They’d gone out and made their speech, looking out over hundreds of people who they’d grown up around, who’d made them who they were today and of course Harry got weepy again which the others teased him about despite their own voices cracking profusely. They took one final bow together, Harry’s left hand somehow finding its way into Louis’ right as the crowd clapped and cheered, falling into their own teary embraces._

_When they finally made it off stage, Louis kept Harry’s hand firmly in his own and pulled him back towards the green room without looking back to where the other two had gone. In the privacy of the room, it took all of five seconds for Louis to collapse into Harry, fully sobbing into his chest as Harry just held him there and tried his best to relax._

_“I’m so sorry Haz, I wish- I wan- I wish things were different” Louis hiccups in between tears, fists grabbing the back of Harry’s black shirt tightly. Harry wants desperately to ask what that means, what he was trying to convey but his heart is fragile and has long learned to not get hopes up._

_“I love you Lou” is what he settles on instead, stroking his back lightly, knowing that those four words hold more meaning than anything else he could say._

_They stay like that for a while until Louis’ crying subsides to just soft sniffling and Harry’s heart has finally stopped trying to beat out of his chest._

_When their eyes meet, green on blue, Harry is suddenly 16 again realising he’s totally and utterly in love with his best friend. Much like the first time back in that hotel room, Louis leans in and kisses him softly, Harry too frightened to move and upset the delicate balance of the moment. It’s not until their lips are pressed together, moving gently against one another that Harry lets his arms wind tighter around Louis’ waist, pressing their bodies close. He lets his eyes flutter open, just for a second to take in what Louis’ looks like, capturing the image for himself._

_It was a goodbye kiss in every sense of the word, after this they would part ways and Harry knew they’d do well to even refer to one another as friends. It was gentle and firm, slow and needy, both of them trying to convey every last morsal of emotion into that one embrace._

“I didn’t actually see him for months after that, until he reached out about his mum and I- I went to the hospital and stuff. I don’t really- I’m not gonna talk about that time really but just yeah, I was there when he needed me and the same went for him when I lost my step-dad” Sally nods understandingly and Harry appreciated the fact she never pushed or pried beyond his limits. “I missed him, but it was easier with a clean break. I think forcing myself to keep in contact would have been too hard”

“So, it was you who cut off contact in the end? And I’m assuming you seen him a couple of times in-between the band hiatus starting and that night in Los Angeles, just putting together the timeline in my mind”

“Yeah, I distanced myself from him… from the situation. And I seen him a handful of times before that night in LA but that was probably the first time, we’d had an actual conversation or were alone” he nods, the pieces coming together slowly in his own mind. "I don't think I could have handled it the other way around, if he'd have cut me off it would have ruined me. I needed to get there first"

“Looking back on the situation now, would you have handled it differently?” Sally prompts, causing Harry to snort sarcastically and then immediately blush at the noise.

“Um, besides calling you like ten years ago?” he laughs. “I don’t regret cutting him out no, the way I felt about him and the way I wanted him wasn’t healthy. I needed distance and I got distance… I wish it could have been different but that’s the way with a lot of things I suppose”

“What if…” she stops, eyes narrowing ever so slightly at him. “What if you have another go at these last ten years and could change one thing, would you change loving Louis?”

“Well… that’s a question” he huffs, taking some time to actually consider things.

Loving Louis equated to heartbreak for Harry, that much was true, but there was a reason the love was impossible to forget or move on from.

Louis was enigmatic, like a moth to a flame Harry was drawn into his light from day one and that’s not something you can rid yourself of easily. To be honest, Harry couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t love Louis this way, how they could be in his presence without falling, how nobody could see what he seen or feel what he felt. Even in Louis’ darkest days, Harry still always held a candle for him, still at least attempted to see why he was being unreasonable or angry.

“No regrets” Harry says confidently. “I wouldn’t change loving him, I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about anybody else to be honest. It was- it was everything… suppose that’s the problem really” he sighs as the self-pity slides in. “I mean, I regret the cheating and stuff – obviously I wish that could be different!” he adds quickly, not wanting the doctor to think he was that cold of a person.

“Love tends to come to us out of nowhere, when you’re ready to love someone like that again they’ll be there ready and waiting. In the meantime, you’re working on yourself and learning to move on from your past” Dr Anderson states wisely. “Very few people live a life with no regrets Harry, and I find those that tell you they do are often living with the biggest of all. We can regret but also be comfortable with the knowledge that our lives have played out exactly how they were supposed to”

“Like fate?” he frowns instinctively, not quite able to believe Dr Anderson was that spiritual.

“I’m not really that… spiritual” she laughs lightly as Harry nods his head, _of course not_ he thinks. “I just mean you’ve made every decision in your life; how can you then go back and say you weren’t meant to live it in that way? Your own mind has taken you where you need to be up until this moment, and you need to trust it will continue to do so”

Thinking back to her original question, the answer is clear in the end. “I think… I think if I could back and do one thing differently, I’d fight harder. I wouldn’t give up loving him, I’d just fight harder to make us work and get him to see how special we could have been”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should apologise for making Louis such a dick, dontcha just wanna scream at him a lil? 
> 
> Anywho, lots of love, comments and kudos appreciated as always x 
> 
> Ps. The next chapter is the reunion show chapter woohoo, I’ve been working on it for a while so let’s treat it as the 10 year extravaganza we should have gotten back in July ok?


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 8k of completely self-indulgent OT5, I apologise for nothing. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_23 rd July 2020 – London, England_

The day starts out like any other for Harry.

He wakes three minutes before his alarm is set to go off, the sun has barely risen yet and before he can contemplate stealing an extra five minutes under the duvet, he forces himself out on a run.

Early morning is the easiest, quietest and probably the safest time for someone of his… celebrity to go out jogging, paparazzi and fans alike don’t tend to surface until mid-morning; he’s pretty sure muggers don’t operate pre-7am either. The run isn’t a long one, a lap around the short circular of the park is just far enough to break a sweat and cause a bit of an ache to build in his calves, expelling some of the nervous energy that’s definitely starting to build ahead of later.

The five of them were due to meet at Niall’s (obviously) at 9am sharp, no earlier or Niall may explode with excitement and no later or Fleur might genuinely leave one of them behind. They were then going to a “secret location” which was just a series of rooms attached to the venue for the show tonight, where they’d get ready and have final rehearsals and whatnot. There was no session with Dr Anderson this week, or the next for that matter, and in all honesty, Harry was glad for the reprieve; needing to focus on the right now more than ever.

Fans weren’t due to start arriving until 5pm so a lot of the day would be just hanging around doing nothing, but they couldn’t risk anybody being spotted after the careful curation of lies that had been told to throw the scent off. As far as anybody was aware, Zayn and Gigi were still at the Hadid family ranch thanks to a few well-timed Instagram stories from both Gigi and Bella that had been shot last week when they had been there for a Doctor’s appointment. It was amusing to Harry that Zayn had actually being going back and forward between London and Pennsylvania for the last two months and nobody had caught wind yet, proof they could actually fly under the radar if necessary. 

Then there were the convenient rumours that Niall was in Spain and Louis in LA, Fleur working some sort of sorcery to make fans actually believe it were true – despite having no solid evidence. Liam had agreed to do a quick phone interview with the Capital Breakfast Show before they were all scheduled to be at Niall’s, the plan was he’d tell a few reminiscent stories and drop even more hints that a reunion wasn’t on the table. Fleur had actually held auditions to see which one of them was up the job and apparently Liam was the only once half convincing, not that Harry had acted in a Christopher Nolan film or anything.

The final part of the charade was the social media posts scheduled to go out over the course of the day, Liam’s had already gone live to coincide nicely with his radio appearance. Niall was to go next mid-morning, then Louis in the late afternoon and Harry’s would go out right as the show was scheduled to start; keeping up appearances until the very end. It was decided pretty quickly Zayn wouldn’t tweet or post, he was mildly offended that he was being portrayed to not-care, but Fleur had explained that with the time difference in Pennsylvania Zayn wouldn’t tweet until after the show anyway. It was quite scientific.

Then there was the matter of their families, each of them had wanted at least a couple of family members there to mark the momentous occasion but they didn’t know how doable that would be considering. Of course, immediately after this was voiced to Fleur a few weeks ago, she was on the case trying to figure out a solution that could accommodate their wishes. It took her all of half an hour to have the venue changing their strategy which was nothing short of a miracle in Harry’s eyes.

The plan then was as followed. The venue itself was a sort of small warehouse, it had an underground parking area as well as a sizeable carpark to the side that would be used as a place for fans to queue to get in. After the fans had all entered the venue, a bus would then roll into the underground area and their families could enter the building that way – where they would then be held in a waiting room before being allowed onto the balcony for the ‘reveal’. It was more co-ordination than Harry liked to think to be honest, he wasn’t entirely sure of the logistics only that his mum, dad, gran, Gemma and Michal were all going to be there, which of course is the most important thing.

Returning from his run, there are a series of texts from said family members just letting him know that ‘a very efficient young lady’ (his mum’s words) had called each of them and sent over a very detailed itinerary. _Of course, Fleur would prep individual itineraries_ Harry laughs to himself, firing a series of heart emojis back.

The bands WhatsApp group also has over twenty notifications already, now renamed ‘ _Little_ _Dicks’_ thanks to Louis who enjoys making Little Mix related puns to annoy Zayn (the group picture had also changed to a meme of Zayn dancing at bootcamp courtesy of Niall, since Zayn rarely ever actually replies on the group they like to mainly use it to take the piss).

Niall: ‘ _TODAY IS THE DAY’_

Niall: ‘ _YOU READY MOTHERFUCKERS’_

Niall: _‘lmao three of you are technically motherfuckers now, feel old yet?’_

Liam: ‘ _what do u mean lol?’_

Liam: _‘_ _hahahaha nvm, I get it now’_

Louis: _‘Jesus christ’_

Niall: _‘Let’s not take the Lords name in vain today Lou, especially not before 9am’_

Liam: _‘yeah Louis ffs’_

Louis: _‘Reunion is off you gimps. I’m doing a Zayn’_

Zayn: _‘When will you stop referring to it as ‘doing a Zayn’ please?’_

Niall: _‘ZAYN?’_

Liam: ‘ _hey zayn’_

Louis: ‘ _U see how we’re all shocked you’re here Zayn? That’s why it’s called doing a Zayn love x’_

Niall: _‘Where’s the wanky one?’_

Niall: _‘LMAO I meant lanky not wanky… although…’_

Liam: _‘loooool wanky’_

Louis _: ‘He can be a bit wanky tbf’_

Zayn: ‘ _TMI !!!!!!!!!!!!!!’_

Louis: _‘Omg no I meant cos in the posh sense, not that he’s literally wanky’_

Louis _: ‘I hate you all, I’m doing a Zayn’_

Niall: _‘lmao’_

Niall: _‘Anywayyyyyy, we’re trending number 3 worldwide on twitter already’_

After taking a second to digest the chaotic conversation playing out before him, Harry sniggers and types out his own response.

Harry: _‘FFS I’m not wanky or lanky! Also, is everybody showering at the venue or home? Think I might wash my hair at home but then shower again later…’_

The conversation carries on in pretty much the same disordered fashion whilst Harry goes about getting ready and finishing up packing his bag. As they’re planning on going straight from the show onto the plane to Antigua, he takes a bit of extra time to ensure everything is in order both with his luggage and at home. Gemma has offered to come over and check on his plants, so he writes her a few instructions (as he does every time) on which ones need watered when.

As the aim of the week in Antigua is to try and write together, that and hide from the press for a week, Harry digs out a couple of notebooks he knows have scraps of lyric ideas that may work for the band and packs them neatly into his guitar case. Niall has already put a ban on songs about unrequited love, saying he refuses to be the modern-day Fleetwood Mac, and despite that being insulting to Fleetwood Mac on so many levels, Harry agrees. He’d quite like to write a song reflecting their friendships blossoming and coming back together, like the older sibling of _History_ , something that represents where they are right now.

The drive over to Niall’s feels a lot like moving into a new chapter of life, similar to how he felt all those years ago after they’d been thrown together at bootcamp or right before he signed his solo contract. Despite materialising quite quickly over the past few weeks, Harry had actually began to grow excited with what was in-store for them, it helped that his mum had taken to sending old videos and photos from back in the day to get him ‘ _in_ _the_ _zone’_ as she liked to say.

Getting on better terms with the other boys was always on Harry’s list of goals, pretty much since the minute they parted ways, but it was one of those immense tasks that he would have kept putting off had his hand not been forced. Patching things up with Louis in particular was something Harry had contemplated long and hard over the years, yet it always felt unattainable, an outlandish thing to even consider wanting. Now, here they were, with a kind of healthy and sort of functioning relationship.

Things with Louis had improved tenfold over the last couple of weeks, Harry could barely remember what he’d been so anxious about back in June when they’d first reconnected. A lot of it was a testament to Dr Anderson, without a doubt, she was able to make Harry see things from a different perspective and really force him to take a look at their behaviour. But Louis himself was a big part of the reason they were doing so well; he’d changed in ways even Harry couldn’t have anticipated.

Louis was always a kind and considerate person; he was the first to call others out on their bullshit or offer a word of advice if they needed it. The problem is that he had so much trouble being kind and considerate to himself, he lied to himself for so long he couldn’t see the truth of who he was. It was nice to see somebody truly grow and change in a positive manner, it’s no small feat, evolving yourself and bettering your undesirable traits but Louis seems to have taken everything in his stride.

They had been texting more regularly now, both on the group chats and privately, little exchanges that mainly centred around old jokes they used to share or the occasional picture of Louis’ dogs. There had been the odd conversation about heavier topics too, days when Harry would get snarky as the anger seeped back in or moments when Louis would withdraw as he tried to piece his new normal together.

Harry was hoping to spend the time in Antigua really airing out the last of their dirty laundry, they hadn’t had much time alone since that night at Louis’ house and it would be nice to start their first round of work as a band on the best terms possible. Of course, he hadn’t actually ran this by Louis but considering they were essentially stuck on a tropical island together for a week, there was little that could be done in the event he disagreed – Harry could be quite persistent when he set his mind to something.

At exactly ten minutes to nine Harry pulls into the carpark at Niall’s house, spotting Liam’s car and Fleur’s van already up, he picks out a spot nearby and goes about getting his several bags together. He was just contemplating calling Liam to come down and help when he hears another car drive into the garage, causing him to quickly shut the boot and hit the deck, praying that nobody seen him.

Seconds pass and the person can be heard getting out of their own car as Harry keeps crouched on the floor, wedged tightly between the boot of his car and the wall, whilst the person pulls what sounds like a suitcase right by his car.

“Harry?” he hears, whipping around to see Louis eyeing him strangely. “What ya doing down there mate?”

“Jesus” Harry whispers, standing up and brushing off his linen trousers. “I didn’t know it was you, didn’t wanna ruin everything before tonight” he explains with a blush, already reopening his boot and handing Louis his guitar case. “Can you help me carry some of these up? I dunno why Fleur’s not down here letting us throw it all in the van now to be honest”

Louis huffs but accepts the case, anyway, swapping his own suitcase over to his right arm to accommodate. “Fucking hell Haz, you know you’re only going for a week, right?” Louis laughs, peering at the two bags Harry himself is carrying along with a suit bag. “Also, what’s with the suit bag? Were we meant to bring posh stuff?” he eyes his own small suitcase precariously, Harry guessing there’s nothing but swimming shorts, t-shirts and a pair of flip-flops in there.

“The suit bag is just in case I end up hating all the options Sonia has put together; I brought a backup. I’m not gonna look like a twat cos I didn’t think ahead” he smiles smugly as they both start towards the elevator.

The styling for tonight had been a sticking point for the five of them. They all wanted to wear their own thing and be comfortable, but they also wanted to still co-ordinate in some way, Harry could hardly wear an extravagant fuchsia suit if Liam wanted to wear powder-blue trousers or Louis was in a tracky top. In the end, Fleur got sick of their indecisiveness and took it out of their hands, bringing in a stylist to source some options for them which, due to the short notice, the boys hadn’t actually seen any of the options yet and they were ready and waiting at the venue.

“Since when did you become such a diva” Louis scoffs, carefully placing Harry’s guitar inside the lift before throwing his own bag in.

“Fashion is my passion Louis, I was co-chair at the Met Gala you know?” he retorts cheekily, over-egging the snooty tone.

They reach Niall’s floor before Louis can respond, the pair of them practically bursting into the corridor with their various bags. Louis knocks on the door to Niall’s flat and turns to face Harry with a smug smile. “Two words for you mate. Purple Supras” and with that the door flies open and reveals an amused-looking Niall.

“Well well well, did you two carpool?” he asks, moving aside to let them inside, where they’re greeted with Liam, Fleur and an unnamed girl who looks so strikingly similar to Gemma that Harry does a slight double take, her the jet black hair the only discernible difference.

“No, we didn’t carpool for fuck sake” Louis rolls his eyes and drops his share of the bags next to the small pile of luggage. “We had a sleepover last night innit Haz?” there’s a sly smirk on Louis’ face as he turns to catch Harry’s reaction, which consists of a lot of spluttering and a slight blush as everybody starts laughing. “You’re far too easy to fluster lad” Louis snickers and throws himself next to the unnamed girl, seeming to notice her presence for the first time.

“Your face Harry honestly” Fleur laughs along. “Oh, this is my assistant Heather by the way” the girl, Heather, gives a little wave to the room.

“Nice to meet you both, looking forward to working together” she says warmly, shaking Louis’ outstretched hand.

“Lovely to meet you, I’m Harry” he says, reciprocating her wave but making no move to go in for his usual hug – she was tucked very snugly into the crevice of Niall’s sofa and he didn’t want to make her move for the sake of pleasantries, he’d just hug her when she stood.

“Where’s Zayn?” Louis asks with a cursory glance around the room, as if he was just going to materialise out of nowhere.

“You know what he’s like” Liam sighs fondly, nobody offering up any other explanation because yes, they all did know what Zayn was like. Even Fleur, who had been with them such a short time had learned quickly it was important to set false deadlines with the man – punctuality was not his strong suit (they liked to joke it was because his body was always trying to subconsciously do a runner but really he was just so, so slow).

“I told him to be here for eight thirty as well the little fucker” Fleur huffs and pulls out her phone, presumably to call the man in question.

“Sorry, you’re literally identical to my sister Gemma” Harry says, addressing Heather once more. “Slightly worried my mum and dad had another baby and just didn’t tell us” he laughs and is pleased when she does too.

“Niall said the exact same thing actually, don’t worry though I’m very certain we do not share any DNA”

Zayn turns up exactly thirteen minutes late, wearing possibly the brightest neon green jumper Harry has ever seen, and carrying a small leather holdall and a matching satchel. After a small lecture from Fleur about timekeeping and the protocol for them staying under the radar for the rest of the day (“ _did you have to wear that fucking jumper Zayn, today of all days” “S’up with it?”)._

Before they headed off to the venue, Fleur and Niall run through the schedule with the rest of them, Niall had been happy to help plan and act as their go-between with management for this particular event since the entire thing was practically his brainchild. Harry allowed himself to zone-out somewhat at this point, he’d already read the itinerary twice that morning and heard the plan several times before that – the slight overkill explanation probably down to the duo’s nerves.

Once they’ve been briefed within an inch of their lives, it’s finally time to head to the venue and the five of them are positively buzzing with excitement much to the amusement of both Fleur and Heather. Louis automatically grabs Harry’s guitar case and garment bag as they all retrieve their respective bags for the journey back down to the car, he exits the room before Harry can oppose or say thank you, Niall and Zayn sharing a smug smile.

Getting comfy in the van has gotten easier over the past few weeks, each of them relearning where the best position is in order to A) not be thrown around mercilessly by Fleur’s driving or B) not cause unnecessary arguments from elbows and knees finding their way into somebody’s rib or face. Harry’s not sure he’s ever been more pleased to be of a taller stature, his height meaning he earned the privilege of leaning against the cab _and_ stretching his legs all the way out.

“Any of you checked your Twitter yet?” Niall asks as they start their journey, pulling out his phone. Heather, who is driving the van this time, already making for a much better driver than Fleur, who was following behind in (poor) Liam’s car with their bags.

“I did after the interview and it was bloody nuts” Liam mimics Niall and pulls out his own phone, causing a chain reaction amongst the other three too. “Which, I have to say was difficult. I was prepared to lie but Jesus, Roman made me feel so bad about it. I think I would have broke if I didn’t have Fleur literally giving me a death glare during the whole thing”

Harry snorts and mumbles a cheeky ‘Dunkirk’ which causes Louis to let out a snigger of his own.

“God, so many people are gonna be raging we hid this from them. Imagine Corden” Niall groans, causing Harry to remember once again that yes, there are going to be a lot of people both angry and amused that they’ve hidden this.

“Think Fleur’s already planning to butter him up with an exclusive and maybe a carpool karaoke once all this is out. Apparently, she knows him quite well so she’s pretty confident he’ll be chill” Liam explains from the other side of the van.

“Is there anybody that girl doesn’t know? Starting to feel like we’re the only fuckers in the business who’d never met her before” Louis huffs amusedly, everybody humming in agreement.

They peruse Twitter for the rest of the journey, sharing memes or tweets that are particularly funny or relevant to the day, quite a few publications are doing ‘1D Specials’ and posting old interviews or photoshoots in commemoration of the special day. They take turns playing a few and giggling together at their outfits or Liam’s hairstyle. The infamous go-karting one makes an appearance early on thanks to Zayn and Harry has to relive his eighteen-year-old love-drunk self talk about sharing _front and back_ responsibilities with Louis. To his credit, Louis doesn’t seem to mind at all and insists they find a montage of his hilarious video diary moments which gets turned off after only one and half minutes because even Louis finds it unbearably annoying.

At the venue itself, they’re ushered from the underground parking area to a non-descript room marked ominously with ‘performers’ before they can catch a glimpse of much at all, even the bands dressing room next door actually had ‘the band’ with their names on it at least. There wasn’t much in the actual room itself, a TV and wide array of food and beverages which Fleur noted would be ‘freshened up’ every few hours which Harry definitely appreciated.

They set up shop around the room, Harry taking up residence on one of the sofas with a book he’d recently started reading, having the foresight to pack at least some form of entertainment for the long wait. Niall and Fleur still seemed to be in the depths of planning, both crowded over her laptop and gesturing to whatever was on the screen whilst Heather watched on. Liam and Louis were currently setting up a PlayStation that Zayn had mainly brought for the trip to Antigua, whilst the man in question dozing on the final sofa under a pile of their coats

Sonia arrived with their outfits, or ‘costumes’ as Fleur and Heather liked to call them, soon enough and the room became a flurry of activity. It was the first time seeing each outfit and quite frankly, Harry was sorry he ever doubted Sonia’s talent because he’s not sure anybody could have encapsulated their individual styles so well, definitely not on such short notice. They all flock eagerly behind their individual rails shielding one another from peaking and complimenting Sonia and her assistant Mia on their finds, various exclamations flying around the room. As it was the height of summer, she’d chosen a pastel and white theme, each of them having various pastel colours adorning their garments.

Each having three options to pick from, Harry thumbs over his own choices with excitement. First up is a pair of white flares and a sheer lilac blouse which, whilst definitely something he was excited to wear, wasn’t really _special_ enough to wear for such occasion – in Harry’s opinion of course. Next up, was a light grey jumpsuit with flared arms and legs that actually causes him to gasp upon fully seeing, there’s a slight shift to the material that gives is a subtle shimmer and Harry thinks he’s found a winner until he clocks the final outfit. The final choice is a pale blue suit, not dissimilar to one (a few) he has worn before if it weren’t for the delicate embroidered flowers across every inch of the suit in the same pale blue colour, finished with a low-key coral ribbon stitched down the outside seam of the trousers that was also reflected on the jacket lining. There was just something about the light blue colour Harry couldn’t resist.

Paying no mind to the other boys, Harry instantly starts stripping off and carefully putting on the suit, with the aid of Mia who seemed to materialise out of nowhere. Under the jacket there was a white silky V-neck blouse that although it had a slight ruffle, was fairly understated when paired with the suit. Once everything is on, chunky black shoes and all, Harry starts to panic that it’s too much, that the other boys will feel weird about him wearing such a garish outfit now that they’re back together. This wasn’t his solo career; he didn’t want to draw all the attention.

That was, until Niall popped his head through the clothing rail and let out a sharp wolf whistle. “Harry fucking Styles, you sexy son of a bitch” he cackles, finishing climbing through the rail dressed only in his underpants and a pair of purple patterned socks.

In an instant Liam, Louis and eventually Zayn all curiously appear around the rail too, eyeing Harry with varying levels of appreciation.

Liam himself had gone for a pair of light coral trousers and white polo shirt, whilst definitely not as bold as Harry’s own outfit there was no denying Liam looked amazing. Similarly, Zayn had bypassed the more formal options and had opted for a pair of light-wash denim jeans with a light pink blazer and crisp white shirt, feet adorned with a pair of Nikes that literally had his name scrawled all over (Harry wasn’t sure if they were custom like that or he’d literally took a marker to them).

Harry’s eyes found Louis last, he was vaguely aware of Niall whispering with Zayn and looking between the pair, but he couldn’t really find it in him to care – it had been happening a lot lately and had become a lot easier to ignore as time went on. Similarly to Liam, Louis was sporting a trousers and polo combo, only his entire outfit was a very light sage green colour combined with his worn white Adidas. It’s not that Harry usually hated to admit Louis looked good, it was that every time he allowed himself to think that way he got confused and frustrated. But this time, there was simply no denying it, Louis looked really amazing and Harry forced himself to relax into the thought (although he did still try to rationalise it must be that colour on his skin tone that done it).

“Swear they do it on purpose” Niall mutters a little too loudly, earning a sharp elbow to his bare rib from both Liam and Zayn.

“Do what?” Harry asks dumbly, turning to slowly face the three stooges, lightly blushing at how long he had been staring.

“The whole blue-green thing” Niall deadpans, unperturbed by the literal ribbing he’d just received.

“I don’t understand” he responds dumbly, head turning to Louis slightly to see if he knew what on Earth Niall was on about, and the pink hue to his face hinted that he most definitely did.

It was at this moment that Fleur materialised once again, choosing to duck under the clothing rail like Niall, opposed to going around it. At the sight of the four of them in their outfits, and Niall in his pants, she let out an impressed hoot. “Aside from Niall’s pasty arse body, the four of you look fucking bang on. Honestly, if I swung your way, I’d probably want a bit of you” they share another laugh and the moment is broken, Sonia and Mia ushering them off to get some last minute adjustments made (apparently Niall managed to rip three buttons off his shirt and one off his trousers hence his undress).

In the time it takes for the tailoring duo to make their rounds, carefully stitching and adjusting here and there, the band have arrived and apparently so have close to a hundred fans outside the venue. If Harry was a lesser man who underestimated young women on their capabilities to do their jobs properly, he might have fret that Fleur would have a meltdown over the fact they couldn’t have a proper sound check or rehearsal now that so many people were stood literal metres away. Of course, he knew better than to doubt.

Once the musicians have made themselves comfortable in their own dressing room, Tom and Anwar – who had never been in a production this big – marvelling at the various amenities, they were finally allowed to see the venue room. The hall itself had two stories, the upper one was where their families would be allowed to sit and watch when the time came, whilst the lower level was reserved for fans and adorned with various ‘exhibits’ about the boys that contained snippets of interviews or funny stories, some containing screens with never before seen footage and photos. They each spend a few minutes milling around and reading the various passages or talking about the pictures, answering a few of the new lads’ questions about shows they’d played or moments they’d shared.

The stage and viewing area were very well concealed behind both a curtain and a retractable wall that would be pulled back nearer to the time which although exciting, made Harry feel a little queasy with how soon this would be playing out. Security were already milling around which was nice to see, he hoped that although the fans were dedicated there would be no crazies that attempted to actually charge at them. The ten of them, the One Direction boys and the band, make their way up onto the stage and turn back to Fleur for further instruction who’s stood whispering with Heather and pointing to various fixtures around the room.

“Alright this is how it’s going down” she eventually starts with a clap, Heather wandering off back the way she came. “The band and I… me and the band? Whatever, we came down last night to sound check all the instruments and everything, we’re all tuned and ready to go. I know Jon has ran through this with you already but bear with, there’s absolutely no way we can have the amps or drums on with that crowd starting to build out there so band people you’re going mime only ok? Hit your markers and pretend to play but please don’t make any actual noise” she pauses both her pacing and talking and waits for them to nod down at her from the stage before resuming.

“One Direction boys! You obviously do actually need to warm up and practice, so we’ve got a recorded backing track of the setlist, we’ll put that on through your earpieces. Your mics won’t be on either, for obvious reasons but feel free to pretend. Any questions, please ask Jon as he is your MD. I’ve gotta go sort something but will be back in five and we can start!”

There were no immediate questions that cropped up, but Harry did finally realise it was simultaneously the most and least prepared he had ever been for a show in his life, usually doing at least two full dress run throughs before the opening night of a tour or new set. It surprisingly wasn’t unsettling him as much as it may have done years ago, both age and the fact the boys were right there beside him definitely helping out in this department. Odd things did crop up here and there once things started, things that could only have cultivated once they were in the final location like this, like spacings and lighting etc. but other than that, the weeks rehearsing out in the warehouse had paid off.

By the time rehearsal finished, Jeff had arrived, and it was time for the final briefing with all the engineers and staff at the venue. Despite being under NDAs (seriously, Harry thought the number of people who had signed one of these was starting to get a little ridiculous) it was clear a number of the staff still weren’t aware what this show actually was, a couple of girls in their early twenties who were part of the venue staff eyes widening in something akin to a mixture of astonishment and terror. Harry made a mental note to force the boys to do the rounds later and ensure anybody on the staff who wanted a picture got one, often they were forgotten or told not to ask so he liked to offer just in-case and he’s sure at least those two girls would like one.

With only two hours to go until fans started to be let in, the boys were forced back into the dressing room and told they had less than half of that before hair and make-up had to start. So, now that Harry finally had his final outfit choice down, he pulled out a small leather pouch from his bag and settled onto the floor, tipping a handful of nail varnish bottles into his lap.

“What colour you going for H?” Liam asked, flopping back onto the sofa behind him with Zayn, Louis and Niall occupying the other.

“Was thinking like a baby pink? Like this one?” he holds up a pale rose coloured polish for the boys to see, heart swelling a little at the thought they were all indulging his quirks like this. There was a time he done this in private, on his time off away from the band where he’d hurriedly remove it before he got back to them. Eventually, when the hiatus started and Dunkirk was over – there just didn’t really seem to be any reason to hide it anymore, so he didn’t.

“Will go nice with your suit” Zayn agrees nodding, throwing his legs over Liam’s lap.

Louis doesn’t respond, choosing to literally slide off the couch and shuffle closer to Harry with his palm outstretched. “Want me to paint for you?” he asks with a kind smile.

“Yeah… yeah that would be nice” Harry beams, handing him the bottle and spreading his palms across the floor for easier access. “My make-up lady Jo usually does it while I’m on tour, I’m pretty shit with small stuff like this I think cos my hands are so big” he laughs, expecting at least a small laugh from Louis but he only gets a sharp nod and a flicker of a smile before Louis starts carefully painting, _weird_.

“Just looking on Twitter and it’s fucking going off honestly” Niall announces gleefully. “Your tweet goes live in like ten minutes don’t it Haz? Just as well cos people are ready to egg your fucking house if you don’t mention it”

“Cheers Niall” Zayn huffs, seemingly forgetting that the reason he isn’t sending a tweet of his own is because _the band are literally getting back together._

“Few people in the queue tweeting about the event tonight too, literally nobody has any idea we’re here. I’ve not seen one person mention a reunion” Liam throws into the mix with a similar level of glee.

“Stop twitching Haz” Louis scolds quietly, tugging his hand onto his thigh for better leverage.

“Sorry, getting nervous” he practically whispers, hoping only Louis hears, not wanting to cause a fuss with the others and breathing a sigh of relief when they carry on chatting over them.

“You alright though yeah?” Harry nods, not wanting to expand further. “Your mum and Gem will be nearly here I imagine, had a couple of texts from Lottie and my nan to say they were all catching up on the bus. Lottie just buzzing she’s meeting Gigi and Bella as if I haven’t introduced her to a million more famous people” Louis snorts, ducking expertly away from Zayn’s foot which swings out to protect Gigi’s honour.

“Mum mentioned she was excited to see the girls, been a while hasn’t it” Harry muses. “Be nice to have everybody’s families together again, will have to get a group pic” he adds because he’s a sucker for a good group picture and he knows this is a night that he’ll want to remember for a long time to come.

“Yeah definitely, I’ll remind you after” Louis promises, clearly remembering Harry gets sort of forgetful after a show which causes him to blush profusely, tucking a smile into his chest as he tries to hide his fond.

Once his nails are finished, Harry manages to slot into the production line of getting ready in second place after Zayn, just how it used to be even back in the days of the X-Factor. Things are a lot more subdued than the last time around, this time they’re more five men than five boys and so although Harry can tell Louis and Niall are dying to cause a little bit of chaos, they sit patiently like the rest of them. (When asked they insist it’s not because they’re scared of Fleur however it’s a very obvious lie).

His mum calls just as Harry finishes up in make-up, they’re being held around the corner for a little longer as the venue just double check’s all the fans are inside and there’s nobody lingering around that may see them slip in. Apparently, Louis’ nan had the foresight to bring a couple of bottles of prosecco ‘for the road’ which she had gladly shared with the other four’s mum’s and sisters, meaning Anne was more than merry on the phone – giddy with excitement to see ‘ _her babies together again’._

With ten minutes left until showtime, Fleur and Jeff force everybody out of the room after their own pep talk, to give the five of them a private moment. Harry was grateful for the second of clarity, trying his best to ignore the sounds of the event thrumming through the walls.

Although slightly bias, Harry has to admit they all look amazing finally together in their outfits, Sonia had appeared with Niall’s suit at the last second, a pale lavender number paired with a white t-shirt that really brought the group together.

They form a loose circle in the middle of the dressing room, looking a little sheepishly at each other, nobody quite knowing what to say.

Louis clearly doesn’t hold that sentiment for very long. “Well lads, it’s only fitting that I’m the one to open my gob”

They all nod, because this is what Louis does, he gives speeches and toasts and he always leads their pre-show ritual.

“Somebody really great once said; ‘lads, if this all goes tits up, I promise I’ll still send you all a Christmas card every year’” there’s a collective groan followed by a round of sighs as Louis starts his monologue. “It was I, I said that many moons ago on the days of old… The X Factor Liam, I can see you’re confused mate. I said it on the X-Factor before our first performance, keep up lad”

“Oh yeah, knew it was familiar” Liam nods, Harry catching Niall’s eye with a slow headshake of exasperation.

“Anyway! Here it is, my final parting wisdom to you before we embark on what could be the biggest fucking mistake of our lives” he continues, Zayn snorting as Niall slaps him over the head.

“Seriously, we were kids last time and we didn’t really know our arse from our elbow, a lot of years spent feeling like we couldn’t say no to the old farts who owned us. Well now we’re slightly older kids and I think we’re going to have a really fucking fantastic two years together doing this, I’m so buzzing we’re back” he says sincerely, opening his arms over Niall and Liam who flank him as a signal for a group hug.

Once they’re all in close, heads bowed together he begins once more. “More importantly, no matter what, literally no matter fucking what happens we’re in this together alright? I don’t want to go back to only seeing you all at events or being terrified I’m gonna get asked about you in an interview, we’re mates as we go into this and we’re coming out the other end as mates”

“Hear, hear” Niall agrees, gripping Harry a little tighter around his waist.

“If one wants out, we all go out” Liam adds, nodding encouragingly at Zayn who, although rolls his eyes, also smiles appreciatively.

“Finally! I, Louis William Tomlinson, promise to you that each of you will hereby receive a Christmas card from me every year until the day you die”

“I leave you alone for an emotional five-minute pep-talk and this is what you choose to talk about?” Fleur interrupts the moment with a laugh, the five of them breaking apart and turning to the door with varying misty expressions.

“It’s an old joke” Harry says with a pout, defending their slightly odd ways.

“Yeah from before we met you, ahh a simpler time” Louis chimes in with a sweet smile, receiving only an eye roll from their manager.

“You all need to go get mic’ed up, your families are just about to be let onto the balcony and the livestream link has just been posted. It’s fucking show time boyos!” she jumps, squeals, leans into the room to punch Niall lightly on the arm and then flies back out the door with such velocity Harry is sure it’s about to fly off the hinges.

It’s not until they’re once again huddled together to the right of stage, the five of them gripping one another so tightly with their heads bent together, that Harry feels the familiar sickly sensation start to build in his throat. Sensing unrest, both Niall and Zayn start to rub at his back from their place on his left and right of him, Zayn mouthing a quick ‘ _you_ _with_ _me’_ which earns a nod and forces Harry to pay attention.

Louis coughs and Harry automatically grins, unable to believe how much he’d missed their silly little pre-show chant.

“A little bit of Niall in my life, a little bit of Liam by my side, a little bit of Harry is all I need, a little bit of Zayn is all I see, a little bit of Louis in the sun, a little bit of singing all night long” Louis sings as Liam hums a slightly remixed version of the classic _Mambo Number Five_.

“Mambo Number Five!” they all sing back at him once he’s finished, breaking the hug and each putting a hand into a pile.

This particular part of the routine had started in Marbella after Louis had gotten slightly drunk and refused to stop inserting all of their names into various songs because it was an effective method of annoying Liam and also because he simply enjoyed singing wrong lyrics to songs. Louis had sung that particular song with their names in there right before their Judges Houses performance to break the tension and when they made it through Niall declared it forever lucky, therefore they never performed a show without Louis singing the song.

(The night of the X-Factor final he got the lyrics slightly wrong for the first time and was convinced for months that that’s why they didn’t win, and while Harry obviously convinced him that was preposterous, he still wouldn’t let him stop… just in-case.)

The final part had no rhyme or reason to it, Louis just asked somebody for a word and whatever that word was they all recited it back three times in a row. This originated somewhere between the X-Factor Tour and their Up All Night show, but nobody has a clear origin story bizarrely.

“Niall?” Louis asks, giving the person they’re all actually here tonight then honour of choosing the word, Harry nodding understandingly even though he had the word ‘squiggle’ ready to go.

“Cashew”

“Cashew it is boys, cashew on three. One, two, three…”

“Cashew, cashew, cashew!”

“Excellent, best of luck lads” Louis grins, breaking up the hug and pulling his microphone from the stand beside them.

“T-minus fifteen seconds” Jon’s voice echoes through their earpieces as the four of them; Harry, Niall, Liam and Louis move to stand on stage which was still hidden behind the curtain. As if things weren’t dramatic enough, they had decided Zayn wouldn’t appear right away, just adding an extra element of surprise for the fans.

“Five, four, three, two, one” Jon counts them in and Harry feels like his heart is going to literally burst through his chest, he chances a glance to Louis on his right who also looks in a similar state of panic.

The opening melody of _Up All Night_ starts playing through the speakers and although Harry can’t see the crowd, he can hear the moment the atmosphere morphs into something _more._ On the opposite wall to the stage, a projector is currently showing a montage of clips and photos from the first album era – the crowd cooing and laughing at the various pictures.

Then the track slowly transforms into the _Live While We’re Young_ instrumentals, then _Midnight Memories_ , then _Night_ _Changes_ , each song accompanied by memories on the projector from that particular time in their lives. Harry’s breath hitches as the music slowly faded out, knowing about now news headlines announcing Zayn’s departure and their hiatus were being flashed up, it was only a matter of seconds before fans would know what was happening.

As the curtain slowly started to rise and reveal the stage, the band started to play an extended intro to _History_ , Harry sharing one quick look along the rest of the boys before stealing himself for the inevitable. The first fans realise in seconds what’s going on, their scream causing a chain reaction of ‘ _oh my god’s’_ and various expletives that come clear as day through the curtain, although Harry is almost positive, he can still hear his mum whooping out there.

When the curtain finally shoots up all of the way and reveals the four of them on the stage, the room is positively buzzing with pure shock and excitement, security officers two-deep bracing themselves for the inevitable push in-front of the stage.

His hands shake as he reaches up to grip the microphone stand, the crowd already clapping along in anticipation.

“You gotta help me, I’m losing my mind” as soon as he starts to sing the crowd literally bursts with screams, even through the two earpieces Harry can’t quite believe that two-hundred people can make that much noise. Although, he’s almost certain he can still hear his mum whooping from the balcony.

Harry can’t help but glance to the side of stage where he knows Zayn is waiting to come out, trying to put everything into the song but knowing there was still more to come. As soon as Louis starts singing his verse, Harry and Niall pick up their mic stands from their positions in the middle of the stage and move a little closer to Louis and Liam respectively.

The music cuts after Louis’ finished singing and for a split second the crowd are confused into silence until Zayn saunters onto the stage with a microphone and stand of his own, taking prime position in the middle of the group. Honestly, Harry worries some people in the room may be deafened forever with the ferocity of the screaming, the five of them looking out over the sea of people and smiling so hard Harry’s cheeks actually ache.

The music kicks back in abruptly and Zayn picks up where they left off, singing a chorus of his own before they all join in for the last part of the song.

“Alright people, how we doing tonight?” Niall laughs when the song finishes, Harry accepting a bottle of water from Louis and giving the little balcony area a wave, as he always does when family were attending.

“I dunno if you still remember us, but we’re One Direction” Liam adds, earning a louder scream than the one constantly ringing out.

Unlike so many other amazing yet terrifying events, Harry remembers every second of the show, nothing starts to blur or go fuzzy with adrenaline and he makes sure to enjoy every moment. They’re only singing six songs, so everything is done at a relaxed pace and because the crowd is so small, when they eventually lessen the screaming, they’re able to interact with people a bit which is always nice.

Fleur pops up in their ears numerous times, updating them on the literal millions of viewers they were getting on the livestreams (there were ten of them, just in-case one link happened to break), even getting a little teary at one point when they thanked her for her hard-work and friendship.

Up on stage, Harry thought he might experience weird muscle memory when it came to Louis, like he’d forget he could speak to him or interact with him without fear and regress into staring or shy whispers. But Louis didn’t let him forget, he’d tug on Harry’s elbow to point up at where their families were all waving ridiculous banners or whisper jokes into his ear before a solo just to try and make Harry laugh and mess up.

When they finish their planned six songs, they spend a bit of time on stage just talking about things, letting people know that this isn’t a one-off and that they’re back for at least the next two years (earning another round of thunderous screams). They introduce the new band members too, forcing Jake, Anwar and Tom into doing awkward little ‘fun fact’ introductions before going on to welcome back Josh and Jon. They also apologise to all the people they kept this from, Harry in particular feeling rather guilty and nervous to glance at his phone later on.

They end with an impromptu acoustic version of _If I Could Fly,_ Harry and Niall both playing the guitar as they manage to shush the room to near silence. The fact they could just _do_ that and act on a whim, gave Harry so much excitement for what was to come, unable to even remember why being back here with these boys would be a bad thing.

_This is how it should be_ Harry can’t help but think, here and together, ten feverish years later after so many ups and downs, they were finally here together once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, the 10 year reunion we all woulda liked to see no?
> 
> Comments & kudos are appreciated!
> 
> Love x


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowwwwwwww I'm sorry this took so long *hides*
> 
> Holla at the people who still care about this fic, really sorry for the delay :(
> 
> Just a reminder the italics are flashbacks...
> 
> Love x

_6 th August 2020 – Los Angeles, California_

“Harry, so good to see you! Can you hear and see me ok?” Dr Anderson’s smiling face appears on his laptop, whist early in the morning for Harry it’s late afternoon back home and he can see she’s situated at her dining table much like the last time they done this.

“Loud and clear” he nods, twitching nervously at the desk, eyes flitting across his carefully laid out boxes of jewellery and sunglasses.

“It’s been a couple of weeks, how are you doing? I imagine we’ll be doing a lot more of these virtual sessions now that the cat’s out the bag” he can’t help but return a warm smile, he’d almost forgotten how calming and easy it was to talk to Sally.

“It’s been- I’ve had quite a weird couple of weeks, yeah” he nods, not really sure where to start.

“Why don’t we go through things chronologically, if that’s alright with you?” she asks as she uncaps her pen, Harry forcing himself to stop bloody nodding along like an idiot. “Start at the night of the reunion show and take me through things, whatever you want to share alright?”

Harry takes a breath and does as he is asked, taking the doctor through a few of the highs and lows of the reunion show, feeling himself relax more as he got into the conversation. The doctor definitely could tell he was tense, and she always seemed to know the tactic to get his mind right back on track. He told her of the euphoria of being on stage again, how overwhelmingly _right_ it had felt to be back with the boys despite the trepidation he’d felt in the weeks and even hours leading up to the actual event. Harry also touched on the anxiety he’d felt following the show, how they’d had to pretty much evacuate the venue due to security fears after fans and photographers started setting up outside; although he still got a group photo with everybody’s families, so it wasn’t all bad.

Within two hours of the show ending the six of them had managed to get to Heathrow and board the private plane, all quite literally buzzing with excitement from what they had just achieved. Harry had sat with Fleur on the plane; Liam and Zayn always sat together on flights, they had their own rhythms and routines going on and he didn’t want to disturb the movie marathon they had planned. Louis and Niall were planning to continue the party, they wanted to have a couple more drinks and although in a great mood, the thought didn’t appeal to any of the others.

He pauses before moving on to the next significant event. “Antigua was… it was good for us, we got some writing done and had a bit of quality time with each other and Fleur.”

“But?” Sally asks, nudging him towards opening up.

“I did find it hard too, I could hardly ignore my phone going completely crazy with people texting and calling me about the news at first” Harry snorts and resists the urge to mess with his hair, remembering how frustrated they eventually all got with the incessant notifications. “Zayn literally threw his phone in the ocean and then whined until Fleur drove him to a shop to buy him a new one. Was pretty funny watching him try to explain to Gigi and his mum what had happened”

“I gather you abstained from pitching your own phone into the Caribbean Sea?” Sally laughed amusedly.

“I can’t lie, I did come close, but I settled for a post on my private Instagram politely asking people to stop messaging and calling me. Most people who have my number are on there, so they all got the message pretty quickly”

“Good initiative” the doctor praises. “How were things with Louis whilst you were away? I gather this is the most time you’ve spent with him since the bungalow all those weeks ago and your relationship has matured quite a bit since then”

“Um… well” he stuttered, internally chastising himself for turning into an incompetent idiot every time Louis and the words relationship are mentioned in the same breath.

“Did something happen” the doctor frowns worriedly, eyes squinting ever so slightly as if trying to get a better read on Harry.

“No, well kind of. Things have been good with us. Really good actually” Harry then frowns himself as he mentally grapples with what this now means, the constant questioning of every little detail truly exhausting at this point.

Antigua had allowed for a vast amount of quality time together, time that Harry was certain they wouldn’t have been awarded if they’d stayed in London or even went up to the bungalow for the week. The house they were using, a property belonging to one of Niall’s golf friends, was situated right on the beach with its own pool and outdoor living area, just big enough that the six of them could comfortably split into smaller groups and not be disturbed. That’s not to say Harry spent all of his time alone with Louis, the majority of time somebody else was present but still baby steps.

“We actually done a bit of writing, just the two of us. Our styles are quite different but we managed to get a couple of decent songs out of it I think” he smiled, remembering the small collection of _not so great_ songs that also came out of the session; specifically one called ‘ _Vacuum’_ that was a rather sarcastic ode to Niall waking them up every single morning by hoovering his and Liam’s bedroom.

“We had- There were a couple… moments you could say, but other than that it was really calm; very little to report back”

_“Alright, I’ve got a game for us to play” Fleur shrieks gleefully, scurrying into the sitting room where the five of them were lounging after a day spent lounging in the sun and frolicking in the sea._

_“It’s not a word game is it?” Liam asks cautiously making Louis snicker, Zayn trying his best to repress a smirk too._

_“No Liam, love” Fleur pats his head and hands each of them a large envelope. “It’s a game I invented, I made Cassie make the faces and the questions though so I could play along too. We done it with a few of the bands during festival season last year and we got so wasted so I thought we could play too… see how well you really know each other” she smiles devilishly and goes about explaining the rules._

_It was a fairly simple game, inside the envelope were laminated masks of the boys faces, Fleur’s girlfriend Cassie having done a meticulous job of cutting out each picture. Fleur would then read out a lyric and they had to guess who had wrote it, Harry figured although he hadn’t listened to every single song that they had put out he knew them well enough to tell their style… he hoped. For every wrong answer you had to take a shot, five wrong answers in a row and you had to down a drink. The person who had the most correct answers at the end of the game won a tiny little trophy which had been inscribed with the words ‘Well done – you know stuff’._

_Things started off fairly simple, Harry got four of the first five questions right and proudly waved the correct face in the air when others got them wrong, even managing a stellar poker face when one of his own lyrics came up so to not give the game away. It was around question fifteen when things started to get hazy, he hadn’t been so lucky with the last few questions although he was doing considerably better than Zayn who was now so drunk, he kept getting Liam and Niall’s faces mixed up because ‘their hair looks the same’ (they did not)._

_“Alright next!” Fleur hollers, squinting at the paper and letting out a little wolf whistle. “_ _I'm coming down, I figured out I kinda like it_ _. And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you ride it”_

_Harry obviously knows it’s his own song immediately, but he tries to act nonchalant, thumbing through the pictures in his lap thoughtfully and putting his own image at the top of the pile whilst keeping it hidden from the others. Since_ Medicine _wasn’t on either of his albums or ever even released as a single there was a good chance none of the others would know it was his song. However, from the way Niall and Zayn were smirking, the former looking positively ready to burst with his answer, Harry didn’t think he’d be getting off lightly._

_“Alright! Three, two, one go!” Fleur called and each of them revealed their answer. Harry, Niall and Zayn had all gotten it right whilst Louis, Fleur and Liam himself had all put Liam’s face. “And the right answer is…” she lifts up a little flap on the question card and points dramatically at Harry. “Harry! Lou, Li and me drink”_

_“Liam mate, you really should know your own tunes” Louis sniggered earning a helpless shrug from Liam._

_“Saucy song Haz” Niall cackles._

_“Saucy” Zayn squeals, taking another sip of his drink despite the fact he wasn’t obliged._

_Harry laughs himself, finding the fact they were talking about a song he wrote about the joys of… oral pleasure absolutely hilarious. Any embarrassment about the song had soon vanished when his mum had asked about the song, nothing could really come close to be honest._

_“You’re acting like we didn’t just have to hear some of Liam’s sexy lyrics” Fleur scolds and Harry can’t help but smirk._

_Zayn nods, acting as if he’s genuinely contemplating what she’s saying “You’re right Fleur but see the thing is-“_

_“Medicine is about how much Harry loves come” Niall finally bursts, rushing all the words out at once and causing him and Zayn to burst into deep laughter._

_“I’m sorry” Louis says, voice a little strained. “Did Niall just say you wrote and released a song about how much you love come… as in… spunk?” he asks incredulously, sending Niall into another fit of giggles._

_“I mean, I think it’s a little more than that but there may be… mentions of, well, y’know” Harry responds in as dignified a way as one can when in such a situation._

_“It’s a bit of a gay anthem… or bi anthem? I dunno either way it’s a good tune” Niall nods, mouthing a ‘sorry’ to Harry as he clearly starts to worry that he’s crossed a line. Harry gives him a shrug and a playful eyeroll, not feeling an ounce of shame or awkwardness._

_“Well I’m gay and I’ve never heard it” Fleur pouts, slowly reaching for her phone and smiling sweetly at Harry._

_“You don’t have to hear every vaguely gay song just because you’re a lesbian” Harry tuts, reaching over to pick up his mojito._

_“I resent that” she says as a video starts playing on her phone._

_“I’m not ashamed but it’s so embarrassing having you watch me sing it live right in front of me” Harry groans, getting up off the sofa he escapes out of the room, passing a curious Liam making his way over to watch too._

_“Are you alright?” Louis was hot on his heels, following him out of the kitchen onto the patio area._

_“Huh?” Harry startles. “Oh, yeah I’m fine. I needed some air anyway, plus I knew Liam would have questions and I’m too drunk for that” they both laugh, walking the short distance onto the beach. “Did you not wanna watch?”_

_“Nah I can do it in my own time” Louis shrugs before seeming to realise exactly what that sounded like. “I mean, I probably won’t- I mean, not in a weird way anyway. Jesus Christ I’m not gonna like- oh my god I’ll shut up”_

_Harry can’t help but double over in squawking laughter, Louis turning a very deep red colour beside him. “It’s alright I know what you mean. Thanks for coming to check on me though”_

_“I couldn’t tell if they were being a bit out of order bringing it up or not, like if you minded them saying stuff like that. I felt bad” he admits, seeming to get bored of walking and flopping down into the sand, looking out across the ocean._

_“I don’t mind, they’re not being mean with it” Harry shrugs, hoping the dark of the night hides his own blush and following Louis down onto the floor._

_“That’s good, sorry I’m new to all this stuff” Louis breathes a laugh, digging his bare feet deep into the powdery sand._

_“What stuff?” Harry asks dumbly, thinking how much drunker he feels in the fresh air._

_“Gay stuff” Louis says as if Harry is being purposely dense, which in turn causes Harry to almost choke on his involuntary laughter._

_“Gay stuff” Harry repeats. “Louis Tomlinson talking to me about gay stuff”_

_“Don’t say me name like that ya weirdo”_

_“Dunno what you mean Louis Tomlinson” there’s a swift elbow to the rib that deters Harry from doing it again, although he does whisper it under his breath just once more to get the final word in there._

_“I’m not gay” Louis states, there’s no real feeling behind it just pure fact. Harry just nods and mutters ‘duh’ amusedly._

_“I told you not to worry about labels Lou, I don’t care about that”_

_Without missing a beat, Louis turns ever so slightly towards Harry. “I have a label… I done some research and apparently I fall into a very specific group of people”_

_“Oh really” Harry asks, suddenly wide eyed and ready to hear whatever Louis is willing to share._

_“Yeah, it’s a niche group, not sure if you’ve heard of us to be honest” Louis turns back to face the water and Harry thinks that’s the end of that until Louis starts grinning. “It’s called ‘I’m definitely straight but also a bit gay for Harry Styles’, quite a mouthful to be honest”_

_Harry feels a little too dumbstruck to start laughing at first, but Louis is positively cracking up, doubled over so much that his fringe is just grazing the sand ever so slightly. It takes a second but soon Harry starts laughing too, he feels it bubble up right from his belly and burst into the night alongside Louis’ silent cackle._

_“You really had me for a minute there” Harry gasps, imagining what his face looked like when Louis pretended to get all serious._

_Their laughter dies to just slightly raspy breaths, Harry falling back into the sand to get a better look at the night sky. On the contrary, Louis stands up and brushes any lingering sand off of his clothes._

_“You comin’ in?” he asks, offering a hand to help Harry stand._

_Harry shakes his head no, pushing it further into the soft sand. “Nah, think I just need another couple of minutes. You go ahead though”_

_“Alright” Louis backs away for a pace or two, pausing just at the threshold of the garden. “I mean, for the record Harry… I wasn’t wrong when I said that”_

Harry stares at Dr Anderson, just as baffled as he was over a week ago when Louis had first admitted this to him. “I mean, can you be gay for one person?” he says with a confused shake of his head, frustratedly pushing the hair off his face. _Maybe it’s time for a haircut_ he thinks, not really sure how he used to deal with it being even longer than this.

Sally looks a little shocked at his question, even shaking her head slightly. “Why not? You’ve said yourself on multiple occasions that sexuality is a spectrum, Louis just falls onto a different part of this spectrum than yourself or many others”

“That makes so much sense, why couldn’t I have just thought of that” he grumbles, eyes rolling at his own ignorance.

“Sometimes we’re just a little too close to the matter to see it clearly Harry, don’t get in a tizz” she tuts but it doesn’t really feel like a scolding which is nice.

“Yeah but I’d like to be able to practice what I preach y’know”

As usual, the doctor doesn’t indulge his self-deprecating behaviour, it’s like a form of negative reinforcement wherein every time he starts to get a bit critical of himself, she’ll move on and ask him to talk about something else. Occasionally they will delve deeper, but more often than not she’ll let Harry have a small moan then will change subjects completely.

“Has this changed how you feel about your newly reformed friendship? Putting a label on something, even a really broad one, can usually bring a lot of different emotions into the mix. Have you noticed a change?”

He thinks on it for a moment before humming in agreement. “I suppose it has now you mention it, we’re both just a bit more relaxed around each other, I think. I dunno if that’s just a time thing or because of this or what, but it’s good” he answers, mind temporarily flicking back to another moment during that week with Niall and Zayn.

_“Is it dead?” Niall asks, poking Harry’s thigh with the head of his acoustic guitar._

_Playing along, Harry doesn’t bother moving, just blinking up at the pair lazily. It was their fifth night in Antigua and as it happened idling around a beach house was more exhausting than he’d remembered._

_“Move over before I sit on you” Zayn huffs, bringing an arm to pull at Harry’s own before he relented and shuffled into a seating position in the middle of the sofa. They flank him, Niall putting down his guitar for the first time all day and resting a head on Harry’s shoulder._

_“The others in bed?” he asks around a yawn, he’d come outside for some peace while he caught up with a few friends he’d been missing. Mitch in particular had found the whole One Direction reunion amusing, slightly affronted he hadn’t got the call up to do guitar (“would you actually wanna though?” “not at all friend”)._

_“Liam is, Fleur’s calling Cassie and Louis is still watching that farm documentary” Niall explains, shuffling down to make himself comfier as Zayn also decides to lean himself on Harry’s shoulder._

_“The fact your so buff now makes this so much comfier” Zayn notes, poking Harry’s bicep for emphasis._

_“Agreed” Niall seconds with a stunted nod._

_“Did you come out here for any reason or did you just wanna cuddle and compliment me on my muscles? Not that I’m complaining” Harry asks, head lolling back against the cushions._

_“Just fancied a chat”_

_“We used to chat all the time just us three”_

_“Did we?”_

_“Shut up Niall of course we did, all those times Louis and Liam went out with their girlfriends”_

_“Ah right yeah, we were the scrawny shoulders to cry on”_

_“Niall”_

_“Sorry, what I mean is-“_

_“Ignore him Haz, man’s had one puff of a joint this week and it’s apparently caused him to forget how to shut his mouth”_

_“Wasn’t one! It was more like three”_

_Harry can’t help but laugh, the ridiculous bickering providing a nice bit of evening entertainment. “You two are like cat and dog, I forgot how much you bicker” he says fondly._

_“Catdog” Niall says with a breathy laugh._

_“One fine day with a woof and a purr” Zayn sings, completely baffling Harry._

_“Alright you’ve lost me now” he laughs as the pair of them snicker._

_“We came to make sure you were alright” Niall murmurs after a few moments. “With the reunion and stuff… and with Louis”_

_“I feel like one minute you were freaking out and the next minute you’re best pals again… just wanted to make sure you weren’t like, forcing yourself to be alright or anything. Y’know we’re here for you, Liam too” Zayn adds._

_Harry takes a moment to appreciate just how grateful he is to have people like this in his life, even if they were the source of a lot of irritation, they were definitely good souls. It’s odd to even think he went so long without properly speaking to them, Liam and Louis too, the fivesome slotting back together fairly seamlessly all things considered. Realising he hadn’t actually responded; Harry shakes himself out of his sentimental haze._

_“It kinda feels like that though. One minute he infuriated me to the point where I couldn’t stand to be near him and the next, I felt sort of bad for him to be honest. We got a couple of chances to talk away from everything which helped n’ I just think therapy is really helping too. Getting everything out there into the open and having somebody to talk it through with helps… Definitely wouldn’t say we’re best pals though” he finishes with an eyeroll despite neither of them actually being able to see his face._

_“I’m really glad” Zayn says after a moment before the three of them fall silent once more._

_Niall eventually shifts to lay his head fully in Harry’s lap. “I always thought you’d work it out with him y’know” he states softly, eyes focused intently on Harry._

_Zayn tenses beside him, clearly nervous Niall had crossed some sort of line, but Harry just shrugs and pets Niall’s hair. “It was never me who needed to sort it out, the ball was always in his court”_

_“True” Zayn hums before shifting to lay his head next Niall’s further down Harry’s thigh, only slightly uncomfortable having them both staring so keenly at his every breath. “Seems to be getting his shit together now though doesn’t he?”_

_Harry snorts and flicks both of their noses, not really liking what he’s trying to imply. “Yeah about a half a decade too late”_

Dr Anderson finishes jotting something down before peering back at Harry, not immediately responding to his retelling. “How did that conversation make you feel? Sorry for the clichéd question there but I’m quite curious”

Harry bites back a yawn, mind and body exhausted. “I felt, um” he tries to remember the moment, eyes closing in an attempt to picture things clearer. “Well, I felt quite loved, because it was nice that they came to check on me like that… I also felt quite sad because I used to think we’d work it out too, or he’d work it out, whatever”

“That’s good, what else?”

“Anxious… I felt anxious that- I think I’ve said this before, but I’m worried he was _it_ for me and love will always be something just out of reach” he rushes, words spilling out and making him shiver with vulnerability.

“You were never properly together as a couple, no labels right” she states slowly, like she needs to Harry confirm it once more. His palms feel sticky as he shakes his head tersely and fiddles with a couple of his rings. “Interesting” she mumbles as not really meant for Harry at all, noting something else before smiling back up at him. “Ok great Harry, is there anything else you’d like to share from that week?”

“Um, I also finally got around to telling him that I listened to his album, which is better late than never I suppose” Harry sighs at his own stupidity before launching into a short retelling of the moment he broached, or walked into, the subject with Louis.

_The sun is still low in the sky when Harry makes it back to the house from his morning run along the beach, he opted to run barefoot as he didn’t fancy trainers full of sand, and is just rinsing his feet under the outdoor shower when Louis appears next to him._

_“Alright Haz? You off out?” he asks sounding slightly surprised to see someone else up and about._

_“Nah just got back actually, went on a run” Harry answers, reaching down to rub at some of the more stubborn patches of sand. “There was a cat and an iguana sat together not too far away, really wish I had my phone to take a picture they were basically spooning”_

_“A cat and an iguana eh? Interesting babies” Louis hums thoughtfully, cheeky grin in place._

_Harry scoffs a laugh and stands turns off the shower, feet now (mostly) free of sand. “I think they were just besties Lou; hardly think they are fucking”_

_Louis’ lips quirk as he says, “Y’know it’s a slippery slope mate, no judgement from me” which causes Harry to blush and whack him on the shoulder, still not entirely used to them joking about that subject to freely._

_“What are you doing up so early anyway? You guys were up pretty late last night” Harry quickly changes the subject as they make their way back into the kitchen of the house. Louis collapses into one of the bar stools whilst Harry goes about making a smoothie._

_“Couldn’t sleep. Thankfully I didn’t drink anywhere near as much as Niall, so apart from the bone-tiredness I don’t feel as bad as he will this morning” he laughs quietly, Harry briefly pausing from chopping his mango to glance back at Louis to confirm that_ yes _he did look exhausted. “You two had the right idea going to bed though, things got a bit weird to be honest”_

_“Oh?”_

_“Let’s just say I don’t think Fleur will be able to look at Niall in quite the same way again. Drunk Twister… do not recommend” Louis shudders and Harry decides that’s enough said._

_Harry laughs, throwing a banana and the chopped strawberries into the blender. “Did you manage to get the song finished at least?”_

_Louis snorts. “What do you think mate. As soon as you and Zayn went to bed, Fleur called time on the actual work and forced us into drinking and games. A terrible influence to be honest”_

_“Oh yeah, I’m sure it was all her!” Harry snorts, and quickly blends all of his fruit and veggies, nodding approvingly as the kale turns everything a dark green colour. “We’re only here for another two days, would be good to get the writing finished at least before we get to LA”_

_“Hey, I agree with you” Louis says innocently._

_As Harry sips on his smoothie, Louis grabs his laptop and taps away for a few seconds before flicking his eyes back to Harry. “I wanna put the radio on, do you mind?”_

_“No, fire away” Harry shrugs, finally sitting down at the breakfast bar and letting out a relieved sigh, he’d forgone running for the last couple of days, so the ache was definitely more noticeable this morning._

_Louis starts laughing as he hits play on the radio station and_ Watermelon Sugar _immediately starts filtering through the speakers, making Harry groan and Louis laugh even harder. “There is no escaping this song mate, honestly it’s fucking everywhere” Louis says amusedly, ignoring Harry’s pink cheeks in favour of turning it up a notch or two. “Proper catchy though, no denying that”_

_“Thanks… I barely listen to the radio, so I don’t hear it that much to be honest” Harry muses and takes the last few gulps of his smoothie. “You’ve got catchy songs too though” he says without really thinking, hopping off his seat to move over to the sink. “There was one that I literally could not stop humming it drov-“ he cuts himself off with a squeak, seemingly realising what he’d done._

_“Harry” Louis says lowly. “Turn around, Harry”_

_Harry does as asked, placing his empty glass into the sink before spinning on the spot to face Louis once more, face presumably bright red as he fees blood rush to his cheeks. Thankfully, Louis just looks more amused than anything, eyebrows quirked and a small smile lingering around his lips._

_“I was going to tell you I listened” Harry blurts before Louis can say anything, taking another step forward. “Sorry, I listened a few weeks ago… sorry. I just didn’t know- I dunno why I haven’t said anything… Sorry”_

_Louis openly laughs, hand slamming down on the counter next to his laptop which is now blaring Drake. “Chill out lad, I literally asked you to listen to it. I’m hardly gonna be mad, am I?” Louis reasons with a somewhat fond eyeroll, which,_ ok then.

_“I listened weeks ago though” Harry mumbles helplessly, an apologetic wince taking hold of his facial features._

_“So?”_

_“So?”_

_“You were obviously processing or summat. I’m not a complete wanker you know” Louis huffs, eyes slightly narrowing as Harry’s own widen._

_“No! Of course not, I was processing things yeah” he nods, deciding that it sounds a lot better than ‘I was being a bit of a coward’._

_“So?”_

_“So?”_

_“God Harry, what did you think? You’re being a bit dense this morning” they share a laugh as Harry finally feels comfortable enough to sit back down opposite Louis._

_“It’s really amazing Louis, well done” he nods, unable to stop smiling at how Louis nervously grins. “Really, I thought it was so good… very, like you I suppose. All the lyrics and stuff I could just tell that you wrote them”_

_“Yeah? Was it- Was it hard for you?”_

_Harry scrunches his nose a little and lifts a shoulder. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but I still got upset at bits… about her and stuff”_

_Louis nods and reaches a tentative hand out to pat Harry’s own. “If you wanna talk about it, or anything really, I’m here yeah? You ask the questions and I’ll answer honestly”_

_“Thanks Lou”_

_There’s a flicker of movement at the kitchen door which draws Harry’s attention, as he finds the other three boys and Fleur staring back with a mix of amused and confused expressions. Seemingly seeing them at the same time, both him and Louis drag their joined hands apart and let out a blend of nervous coughs and an ‘um’s’._

_“I got a semi-on during Twister last night” Niall says after a moment or two; earning an elbow to the rib from Fleur, a groan from Liam and a surprised hoot from Zayn. Louis and Harry a little too frozen to bother reacting, Harry very aware that their friends just walked in on him and Louis in a deep chat with their hands essentially entwined, not a good look for ex-lovers? New friends? He didn’t really know anymore._

_“Niall” Fleur hisses._

_Niall just throws his hands up frustratedly before smirking at Harry. “Just trying to diffuse the tension, I’m not ashamed”_

_“Jesus Christ” Liam whispers as he pushes past the others into the kitchen, getting started on breakfast and thankfully breaking the jittery air._

Harry recounts a… censored version of that story to Dr Anderson, choosing to leave Niall’s semi-erect dick out of the story for the sake of the lads’ modesty. “Then what happened?”

“Nothing right away, we didn’t talk about it again until we were on the plane to LA. I just asked him a couple of questions about songs, he did the same to me and that was that really” he shrugs, feeling relatively calm about the situation now that it’s a few days old.

There were a few things that had confused him in Louis’ songs, like in _We Made It_ which was so clearly about Eleanor but had little references to Harry in there too, he just wanted to know the thought process behind the songs more than explicit reasons. Louis was the same about songs from both Harry’s albums since he’d never actually gotten the chance to ask Harry about the first one, they quietly shared their inspiration and another piece of the puzzle seemed to click into place for Harry.

“We obviously didn’t get everything out in the open on the plane, but like it opened the gates a bit. Then this week we’ve just been asking each other stuff whenever things have popped up, I think it’s really helped to bring us a bit closer” he nods with a small smile.

He decides not to go into detail to the doctor, keeping those conversations between him and Louis. But he can’t help but briefly flashback in his own mind…

_“Take… Too Young, for example” Louis says from across the small plane table voice low as he tries to avoid attracting the attention of one of the others, hands secured tightly around his freshly brewed mug of tea. Harry just nods and indicates for him to continue. “I got the idea for it after I seen you in LA that day a few years ago, I’m sure you don’t need a recap” he blushes and takes a sip of tea._

_“I remembered thinking was how much you’d grown up, how so… like, mature you’d gotten, and you were still Harry but just man-version of Harry”_

_“Man version?”_

_“Yeah, we were there in your fucking Malibu mansion with your own little beach and we were actually speaking and having a conversation for the first time in years and it was nice. You were like cheeky 16-year-old Harry but not and I dunno… Anyway I remember thinking, what if we met now. What if we hadn’t met when you were 16 and I had the mental age of 14? That was the first time I let myself properly think about us I suppose, what I’d done y’know?”_

_Harry’s throat feels very constricted, so he just forces another nod and waits for Louis to carry on once more._

_“So, the concept, too young. Too young to deal with what we were, too young to deal with Eleanor right, too fucking young but also not young enough. Because I still knew what I was doing if that makes sense? It’s just a mash of fucking shit feelings about you, about her, about me…” he shrugs._

_Another nod from Harry._

_“As light as the song sounds, I think that’s the angriest song I’ve ever written… I broke my guitar which was quite annoying”_

Using his mention of the plane as a perfectly timed segway, Sally asks him to move on from Antigua and fill her in on everything that has happened since. It had been a week since they left the Caribbean and the peace and tranquillity they felt whilst there had definitely dissipated. They did manage to leave the island without issue which Fleur counted as a win, getting to LAX and to a ‘secret location’ with the outside world non the wiser. The secret location being a house in Calabasas that Jeff had rented for them, part of a discreet gated community that offered high level of privacy and security which the five of them thought was just a tad extreme.

The next few days were spent continuing with their writing and doing a few telephone interviews with key publications across the globe, the plan to do photo shoots for proper full-page spreads in the coming weeks already being mapped out. They also started planning their week-long tenancy of _The_ _Late Late Show_ that would be happening in a couple of weeks’ time, James only having a _few_ tantrums over the fact he was left out of the loop before outlining a few ideas he had for the skits and games they could play. It was going to be their first televised appearance together, so he was somewhat pacified by this.

Carpool Karaoke was actually something they insisted on doing as a fivesome, it wasn’t on the Late Late teams’ radar in the first meeting they had as apparently there was higher budget stuff they could be working on. But since Zayn had never actually got to do it with them last time, and had never done it at all, they asked for it to be included on the schedule. Which of course it was instantly. They were considerably less enthusiastic about both James and Fleur insisting they play _Spill of Fill Your Guts,_ however.

Harry had just started to settle into things really, two weeks after the launch show and it was finally becoming real. They had new music bubbling away nicely, the five of them were getting on better than ever, they had a management team that were completely willing to let them lead on things and people were genuinely really excited to have them back together as a fivesome. All in all, things were going pleasantly well at the new ‘1DHQ’ and their return couldn’t have been going better.

That was until yesterday.

Apparently, despite the _adult_ neighbours of the private community being extremely discreet and not all that fussed about the arrival of a newly reunited boyband, the same could not be said for the children of those adults. A couple of teenage girls had apparently seen Harry out for a run yesterday and had waited all of three seconds to text their friends who’d then told more friends, who’d then tweeted the location for the world to see. This obviously then gave away the whereabouts of the other boys, and apparently the chance of even getting a glimpse of One Direction together in-person for the first time in five years was worth the risk for a number of fans to try scale the gates and fences of the compound.

Fleur had taken a call from the police to inform her of the first security breach, then the second, and third, and by the fourth call within the hour they were arranging for a helicopter to come and remove them from the area (this obviously prompted no end of Schwarzenegger ‘ _get in the chopper’_ impersonations). Again, the five of them thought it was more than excessive until they actually flew over the area and found just how many fans and photographers had actually congregated around the perimeter of the community.

It was the first time Harry had seen Fleur even remotely unnerved as she tried to reassure the five of them and frantically arrange more security to come and support the large staff already with them. It was uncomfortable to watch her in this odd autopilot mode however there wasn’t really a moment where any of them felt genuinely unsafe, her ability to placate them whilst barking orders was truly unparalleled.

They were moved to another house, this time somewhere out near Malibu up in the mountains, even more secluded than the last and apparently belonging to one of Jeff’s friends. They were asked to not leave the property until extra security had arrived and Harry let himself a little cry that it was all his fault this had happened, confused and scared at why everything seemed so intense all of a sudden.

“I imagine that was quite terrifying” Dr Anderson stated sadly. “You can’t have known though Harry, you know, that right? It wasn’t your fault you had to move; you were told it was safe to go outside”

He nods, this is a conversation he’d had many times with the boys and the management/security teams alike over the last 24 hours. “I know, it’s quite overwhelming. I know we can’t really go walking down the street together, but I thought things would be a bit more relaxed than this. It wasn’t like this for any of us solo so… yeah it’s just a lot”

“Have you got extra security, and everything sorted now? I imagine Fleur has a million different ideas on how to deal with this?” she asks with a small smile, clearly having quickly learned how pro-active Fleur is.

“Oh yeah it’s-“

“Harry mate, can I borrow your shampoo again cos Zay- oh shit” they’re interrupted by Louis throwing open the bedroom door and shuffling in, still dressed in his sleep clothes and looking rather rumpled he freezes as he sees what Harry’s doing. “Shit shit shit, so sorry mate!”

“It’s fine, we were just finishing up” Harry says with a wave of his hand, eyes shifting to Dr Anderson for an affirmative nod. “Come say hi?”

“I look like shit”

“Don’t swear”

“Alright, sorry”

Harry shifts over in the chair to make room for Louis, who slowly makes his way over whilst simultaneously trying to flatten out his hair. Dr Anderson is smiling warmly at the pair, leaning slightly closer to the screen than she was previously and definitely trying to get a better look at the man who Harry spends the majority of his sessions blabbing about.

“Hello” Louis says awkwardly with a wave, pinching Harry’s thigh as punishment for making him do this.

“Oh, sorry!” Harry exclaims. “Louis this is Doctor Sally Anderson, Sally this is Louis Tomlinson”

“Louis it’s lovely to meet you, well, sort of meet you” Sally laughs kindly and returns Louis’ wave.

“You too! I should really send you some flowers or a really expensive bottle of wine to be honest” he smirks as Harry frowns across at him, eyes flickering between Louis on screen and real-Louis’ side profile.

“How’s that?” the doctor asks with a smile, playing along.

“Well it’s thanks to you that Harry will actually talk to me now so I’m really grateful” he laughs but there’s a level of sincerity that makes Harry grin himself.

She laughs again and Harry fights back a pout that he’s never made her laugh quite that loud. “I can’t take any credit, it’s all you two”

“I like your modesty” Louis nods before suddenly squinting at the screen. “Sorry, hang on, is that a picture of Kevin Keegan behind you?” he asks, pointing to a small picture hanging behind Sally.

“Oh yes, it is, what a fantastic eye! My husband used to be a football journalist, so we have bits and bobs around the house” she explains, reaching over to pluck the picture off the wall and hold it up to the camera so they can get a better look.

“I didn’t know that” Harry says with a small pout, not able to recall a single piece of football memorabilia in the sitting room where they usually have their sessions.

“Oh, I don’t allow it in my sitting room Harry, the rest of the house is fair game, but I draw the line there”

Louis mutters a quiet ‘ _jealous much’_ earning himself an elbow from Harry, just as Niall strolls in wearing only a pair of basketball shorts.

“Well well well, what do we have here?” he hollers, walking closer to the screen without hesitation and shoving his head between Harry and Louis’. “Couples therapy?” he teases, enclosing each of them with his arms.

“You must be Niall” Sally laughs.

“I’m so sorry, we’re going to go now, and I’ll see you next week” he blushes, simultaneously embarrassed by his friends and panicking that this wasn’t actually allowed for some reason.

“Oh, don’t worry Harry, I don’t mind” Sally reassures him.

Obviously, this is when Zayn walks in, also only dressed in a pair of shorts. “I’ve been looking for you Ni- shit sorry am I interrupting?” he pauses when the three of them turn to acknowledge him but then continues approaching the computer once he assesses the situation.

“Hello, I’m Zayn” he says politely, head resting atop Niall’s as the four of them cram into the frame.

“Hello Zayn, I’m Sally”

“Alright, really time to go before Liam or Fleur wanders in. So sorry again, I’ll speak to you same time next week alright?”

“Bye Harry, please just call if you need me before then” the doctor says with a wave and a smile before the feed is disconnected.

“You lot are insufferable!” Harry groans, freeing himself from Niall’s grasp and throwing himself back onto his bed.

“Spoilsport” Zayn says, collapsing down on top of him and effectively initiating a pile-on for Louis and Niall.

As Dr Anderson had hinted before they had been interrupted, Fleur and Jeff had brainstormed a myriad of ways to lower the levels of hysteria amongst fans and take back control of things. They had each sent out a few tweets asking fans to be respectful, to give them the space and time to find their footing in this bizarre situation but it wasn’t quite enough.

The idea to do another, more intimate, livestream had been Liam’s idea initially as he’d become quite fond of them over the last few months. From there, it hadn’t taken Fleur long to get this pulled together, using the same software they’d used for the reunion show made things easier and it also meant they wouldn’t have to leave the house they were in, able to just set up a space in the living area. They’d also sent out a hashtag so fans could ask questions and engage with them in real-time.

There were a few key points that they had to mention on the stream; firstly, safety was paramount to everybody involved and they couldn’t have thousands of people swarming their every move – it literally jeopardised all of their plans if this kept happening. Next, Fleur wanted them to reiterate that there would be a tour coming – it was just taking time to pull together dates, venues etc. together, but fans needed to be assured that they would get an opportunity to see them live very soon. Finally, she wanted them to ask _what_ exactly fans wanted to see from them, in the hopes that if they granted a few wishes people would be more inclined to relax and realise they weren’t going to vanish into thin air.

They did take a bit of time for to settle into things, but the livestream actually ended up going really well, Harry mainly let the others do the talking, chiming in every now and then with the odd answer or witty comment. Fans were ‘ _literally_ _dying’_ that they were getting so much live and unscripted content from the boys, pointing out the stark contrast between the stuff they used to do with their old management and the trust the new team must have in them. They did manage to drag Fleur into frame for a minute too, where she introduced herself, thanked everybody for being so kind and reiterated the aforementioned safety points.

Harry spent most of the day feeling pretty good considering it was a therapy day and those usually wiped him out emotionally. Although that didn’t stop him dashing off to bed when the clock finally hit 9pm, glad to have an excuse to retire to his bedroom without raising suspicion, in need for some alone time with his thoughts and maybe his right hand.

As it happened, the peace and quiet wasn’t quite as welcoming as he’d hoped it would be and he definitely was not in the mood to wank, his mind was wandering slightly which was a definite recipe for disaster; something he’d learnt the hard way (pun unintended). It’s as he’s right on the cusp of sleep, that nice fuzzy place where you’re aware of how comfortable you are, leg cocked at just the right angle and the aircon blowing at a nice cooling temperature, that somebody starts shaking him awake.

“Harry” the person says, shaking him and tugging at his hair a little more. “Harry wake up”

For a moment he thinks it’s his mum, there’s a split second in time where he’s fifteen again and late for school before he realises, he’s a grown man and his mum never lovingly woke him up like this when he was late. Eventually getting around to opening his eyes, Harry finds Louis looming over him with a wide grin.

“Whassap” Harry slurs, body too relaxed to even bother getting angry about being woke up.

“Midnight adventure” Louis whispers, dumping a pile of clothes atop Harry and moving away from the bed. “Get dressed, we’ve got like three minutes before we need to leave. Remember shoes”

Smacking his lips together, Harry rubs a hand over his face for a moment and contemplates the situation at hand, wondering if he was actually going to go through with this. That lasts all of ten seconds before he starts the process of getting dressed; as if there was any doubt he wasn’t going to.

“Good lad now come on. We need to go, he’s waiting” Louis says lowly, exiting the room and dramatically tiptoeing down the corridor, past Liam’s room where he can be heard very loudly snoring and Zayn’s room where a small amount of light is filtering under the door.

The ‘he’ Louis was referring to happens to be the bodyguard personally assigned to Louis, named Hank, who’s stood by a Toyota Prius with a murderous stare aimed at Louis.

“Hank my man!” Louis greets him excitedly, snatching the keys from his outstretched hand and gesturing for a rather docile Harry to get inside.

Hank grunts and starts to walk back towards the house. “This is on you Tomlinson, try not to get killed ey?”

Once inside the car, buckled in and sipping on his freshly prepared to-go cup of tea, Harry finally turns to look at Louis as the reality of the situation sets in. “What the hell are we doing!” he screeches, mouth aghast.

“I was bored” Louis shrugs, setting the car into drive and rolling down the driveway, through the open gates and onto the road beyond. “Thought we could have some fun”

“Fleur is going to kill you when she finds out, this is so dangerous Lou” Harry huffs and takes another sip of tea, not bothering to take his futile protests any further.

“Zayn knows where we’ve gone, besides she’ll never know so just relax”

“Where are we going?”

“Uh you’re not allowed to ask that, remember”

“Stupid rules” Harry huffs and looks out the window, wracking his brain to try and remember some of the other ridiculous rules as there were definitely loopholes there somewhere. “Why me though?” he asks after another few minutes, not entirely sure if it’s a compliment that he was chosen above the others.

“Well, first of all I knew you’d be the easiest to convince” Harry huffs in strong disagreement but Louis just laughs. “Second of all, we always had the most fun on these, even before everything so…” Harry turns away from Louis at this, facing out the passenger window as he feels his cheeks flush.

They drive for a good half an hour, Louis expertly weaving his way around the mountains and humming along to the classic rock radio Harry insists they put on. Eventually though, Louis turns off down a dirt track and pulls the Prius over into a small layby area, cutting the engine and turning to Harry with a smile. “C’mon get out” Louis orders, ducking himself out of the car and into the dark of the California mountains.

Harry does as asked slowly, following Louis off the roadside and onto a small dirt track that definitely looks like something from a horror movie. Harry can see the headlines now: ‘ _Two boybanders once rumoured to be in homosexual relationship found dead on mountain trail’._ With an audible gulp he jogs the few paces necessary to catch up to Louis.

They meander down the dimly lit trail for a few minutes, Harry sticking very close to Louis’ side as he suddenly starts to wonder whether there are coyotes or bears around here. He’s about to voice such concerns when they enter a small clearing, a couple of benches positioned to look out over the distant view of the ocean, Harry able to make out the lights of what he assumes to be Malibu just south-westerly of their location.

“How on Earth did you know this was here” Harry asks in astonishment.

“Brianna’s mum lives out near here, I dropped her off there a few times and to get out of having to stay and make awkward chat I used to just drive around and then one day I found this spot” he explains. “Nicer during the day but it’s not bad eh?”

Harry shrugs and collapses down onto one of the benches, the exhaustion he’d felt back at the house starting to creep back in, joined soon after by Louis. “How’s it going with her anyway? She still a bitch?”

Louis sniggers and half-heartedly shrugs. “Pretty much”

“Can’t believe you have an American son” Harry laughs, in all honesty having never even seen Louis and Freddie together it’s weird to imagine him having a child at all; never mind an American one.

“He takes the piss out of my accent y’know?” he grumbles, earning another giggle from Harry. “It’s not funny, getting ripped by my own bloody son”

“S’pretty funny”

“Is not”

“Is”

“Is not”

“Is though”

“Alright, maybe a bit” Louis relents with a gentle shove to Harry’s shoulder. “You growing your hair again then?” Louis says after a moment, as if saying the first thing that popped into his mind to fill the inevitable silence.

Harry automatically reaches up to pet at his curled hair, Louis also seemingly unable to stop himself from pulling at one particular coil behind his ear. “Nah don’t think so, might just get a trim when we’re allowed out of Fleur’s prison confines”

“Ugh tell me about it, I forgot how painful it was to have to spend every waking second with you lot. You’re all exhausting”

Harry gasps indignantly. “Hey!”

“Sorry but you and Liam seem to think you’re training for a bloody triathlon the amount of exercise you do, all Niall does is either clean or complain about the mess and Zayn is no fun anymore either, all he can talk about is babies”

“I’m nowhere near as bad as Liam” Harry grouches, although he did have to agree about the others.

“Mans a machine”

“A real… Payne in your arse huh?”

Louis groans and throws his head into his hands. “I have not missed your shite patter, Harry, honestly lad”

“Aw you missed everything else though?” he smirks, turning in his seat slightly to face Louis’ disgruntled face.

“Absolutely not”

“That’s not what you told Dr Anderson”

“I’m a fantastic actor”

“I’m the actor here”

“You’ve done one bloody film”

“Yeah but it _was_ a Christopher Nolan”

“Alright yeah, you’ve got me again dickhead”

The seal is somewhat broken then, Harry decides to recount the story of his first day on the Dunkirk set where his body literally froze in shock at the ice cold sea and he thought he was going to drown until one of the extras kindly helped ( _dragged_ ) him back to shore. Louis in turn tells him about how he himself almost drowned back in April as he tried to help a stray lamb who’d fallen into a river near his grandparents, they both agree to stop tempting fate with bodies of water from now on.

“We always seem to talk at night or really early in the morning” Harry ponders quietly around a yawn. He guesses it’s getting close to three in the morning at this point, although he has no desire to return to the house just yet, the freedom is nice after almost two weeks being confined to such close quarters.

“Well, yeah” Louis retorts sarcastically. “You’ve seen the looks the other three give us when we have a bit of chat, it’s fucking painful”

Harry hums in agreement, it’s hard to miss the hopeful yet anxious stares the pair receive when they so much as breathe in each other’s direction. Harry had hoped the novelty would wear off by now, that they’d be old news and the others would gave got bored of side-eyeing them but alas it hasn’t happened yet.

“It’s nice to just talk to you with no pressure, I feel like everybody is waiting for me to fuck up again” Louis admits quietly.

“I’m not” Harry replies instinctively, surprised at just how much he means it. He genuinely feels like Louis is remorseful for the hurt and everything else over the years, for the first time in however many years Harry feels like he can trust Louis again.

“It’s alright if you are, I am myself to be honest… feel like it’s just engrained in me to be a piece of shit with you” Louis laughs but there’s nothing funny, Harry’s stomach lurching with _something_ close to sadness.

Throwing one of his legs over the bench, Harry turns to fully face Louis, taking a little breath as he goes and patting Louis’ thigh to get him to do the same. Louis does as asked although a little reluctantly, keeping his thighs tight to the bench whilst Harry lets his legs fall open a little wider to accommodate.

“You’re not like, a bad person Lou” Harry says as Louis rolls his eyes. “I’m serious! You’re a really good person who-“

“I’m pretty sure you’ve told me I’m a bad person on several occasions Harry”

“If you’d let me finish! I was going to say, you’re a really good person who’s made a few mistakes yeah? That doesn’t make you a bad person at all and… and I’m sorry for every saying you were”

Louis’ eyes are boring down into the bench, so Harry takes that as a sign to continue.

“You hurt me yeah, but like, loving you wasn’t a bad thing… I don’t regret it” Harry explains gently, fingers twitching against his thighs.

Finally looking up from the bench, Louis gives Harry a baffled exhale of breath. “How can you say that you don’t regret it Harry, I used you”

“You were confused about everything; you weren’t doing it to be hurtful”

“How do you still defend me? After everything, how can you sit there and defend me like that. I make myself sick, I made you sick a month ago. I-I don’t understand”

Harry shrugs, feeling quite calm about the whole conversation considering. “I told you I was working on forgiving you and I have… for the most part I mean”

“Why though?” Louis prods, eyebrows knit together in confusion.

“Lou, I loved you… I-I still love you a bit, like as a friend and stuff yeah? Why bother wasting energy on holding a grudge over something I should have dealt with years ago. You were literally my best friend, before we kissed before any of the other shit, I thought you were the best person ever. Everybody knew I thought the sun shined out of your fat arse”

“Hey!”

“My point is, just because you fucked up a bit doesn’t mean your destined to be a cunt for life”

Louis sniffles very quietly and for a moment Harry worries he’s crying, that is until he leaps forward and tackles Harry into a hug, effectively launching them both off the bench and onto the dirt beneath.

Unbothered by his new resting place atop Harry, Louis tucks his head under Harry’s chin. “You’re such a good lad” he mumbles, words vibrating off of Harry’s chest. “Thank you for being my friend again, I’m sorry”

“Thank you for giving me time and being honest with me” Harry replies in the same whispered tone. “I meant it too, I don’t regret it… I just wish it was different”

“Me too” Louis agrees quietly with a nod before deciding he should probably get off Harry who was somewhat trapped under him.

There’s a second where Louis lifts his head from Harry’s chest, his face just a whisker away, where Harry wonders what would happen if they kissed. If Louis were to lean down and capture his lips with his own, he wonders if it would still feel the same, if he’d still taste the same-

The thought is enough to make his whole-body tense, which combined with the horrified look on his face, speeds Louis up in the whole removing himself from Harry’s body.

“Sorry” Harry says after a beat for no particular reason, hauling himself up off the floor after the older man.

Louis just shrugs and smiles, apparently unperturbed. “Fancy a Maccies before we go back? God only knows how long it’s been since you’ll have had some of their delicious food without me around to keep you on track”

“Um it was October actually” Harry huffs with a smile. Even then he’d only had some fries, but Louis didn’t have to know that.

“October!” Louis yells, voice slightly echoing around the isolated area. “Harry it’s bloody August mate, that’s almost a year and that is definitely unacceptable. Off we go!”

xXx

“What the fuck were you thinking!” Fleur screeches, palms slapping down on the dining table in front of her. “I cannot believe you two! Not even taking any security with you? Do you have a death wish or are you just fucking idiots?”

Harry winces as Louis brazenly says, “Just idiots I guess.”

“Now is not the time for you to be a smart-arse Tomlinson” she glowers.

Their early morning trip to McDonalds went great…

Had it not been for the worker who’d recognised them instantly and had snapped a photo without their permission (who knew the old hat and sunglasses disguise actually did not work _at all)._ Silver lining was she had given them two free apple pies however that happiness seemed far, far away now.

Then Louis had gotten lost getting back to the house. Then they forgot the code to get back into the gates. All in all, by the time they returned it was just gone 6am, meaning both Liam and Fleur were up and about in the kitchen, catching them red handed as Hank led them through the front door after rescuing them from the gate. Although Liam did scamper off fairly quickly when he seen the fury radiating off of Fleur.

“We’re ok, it was just that one fan who seen us and even then, it’s not like she could have followed us all the way back here” Louis tries to reason but Harry gets the sense this is definitely the wrong approach for the situation.

“It’s not just your famous arse on the line here Louis, it’s mine too! Do you realise the fucking world of shit I would have been in if something happened to either of you? I’d be taken off this job in a heartbeat, not to mention probably sued considering the massive contract I had to sign to get within ten feet of you” she’s still seething but it’s definitely wavering the longer this goes on.

Harry is caught between wanting to say something and feeling so tongue-tied that he doesn’t think he could if he tried.

“I’m sorry” Louis finally says earnestly. “I wasn’t thinking about that, we just wanted to get out of here and have a bit of fun. This was something we used to do with the old management, and I shouldn’t have just assumed that you’d be ok with it too”

The pair sit with bated breath as they wait for Fleur to respond but after a few minutes she still hadn’t said anything, so Harry pulled out the big guns. He very delicately places the brown paper McDonalds bag he’d been gripping onto the table, sliding it over to Fleur very slowly.

“We got you a McMuffin” he says, smiling in what he hopes is an inoffensive manner as Louis pinches his leg, no doubt due to the fact Harry is currently giving away his McMuffin.

“Sausage or egg?” Fleur asks, intrigued by their offering.

“Sausage” Louis counters carefully, literally leaning back in his chair as if either bracing for impact or so confident in his choice he knows it’s going to be fine.

“This doesn’t change the fact I’m mad at you for putting yourself in danger” she says whilst snatching the bag off the table with a scowl. “It was a reckless considering your circumstances at the minute _but_ it’s not the end of the world and the good news is it looks like we’ll actually be out of here today or tomorrow”

With that she promptly exits the room but not without flicking them both over the ear first, McDonalds bag clutched tightly in hand. Once she’s definitely out of earshot the pair of them let out a relieved sigh, Harry lightly banging his head on the table before him.

“That’s the last time I listen to you” he admonishes Louis, turning his head to face the man in question who’s just smirking back at him.

“No, it’s not” Louis shrugs with such confidence, Harry can only groan in response.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

_17 th August 2020 – Los Angeles, California_

Harry’s bored.

So, so painfully bored he might just keel over and die.

“I’m bored” he announces for the millionth time, only to be greet with complete silence as he had been the previous nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine times.

This week marked the start of the band’s tenancy on _The Late Late Show_ and whilst the previous week had been full of filming at exciting locations and doing ridiculous skits, today had already started off horrifically dull. And, although he’d rather snog Niall than admit it, Harry actually missed spending so much time with the boys.

After they had been allowed to leave the ‘Safe House’ a week or so back, Harry had happily got himself reacquainted with his home in Malibu whilst the other boys all done the same with their various Californian properties. They still had to meet up most days, they had interviews and appearances and obviously filming to do, but today marked exactly three whole days since Harry had seen any of them in the flesh.

The first two days hadn’t been too bad, he’d had lunch with Mitch and Sarah on the first day. He made them promise not to do something silly like get married or have a baby without him there to be a part of it, which of course they obliged to, both stuttering profusely at the mere mention of such events.

Day two he hadn’t even left the house after he decided he was in dire need of some quality Harry time. Which meant he wore nothing but underpants all day and watched as much trash-tv as he could physically consume before falling asleep on the sofa with a half-eaten bowl of linguini.

Now, day three, there were several long hours until they were due at the studio for the live taping and Harry was literally going out of his mind.

“Literally” he Mumbles in a valley girl accent, flicking open his phone and contemplating his next move.

It’s after a few minutes of staring blankly at his home screen, periodically tapping the screen to stop it going dark that he decides just to message the boys and see if anybody wants to meet up or get sushi or _something_ other than sitting inside his house alone.

Harry: _‘I’m so bored’_

Harry _: ‘Anyone wanna meet up or come over or get sushi or coffee or something’_

Niall _: ‘I’ve taken Fleur and Liam to shooting range lmaoo’_

Niall: _‘Sorry mate, thought you were busy otherwise would have asked you to come too’_

Niall: _‘We’re at that one in Glendale if ya fancy it?’_

Liam: _‘flo has gone full action man’_

Liam: _‘action woman’_

Liam: _‘action person’_

Harry: _‘Think I’ll give it a miss, trek from home innit’_

Harry: _‘Thanks though .x_

Since he knew Zayn was currently flying back from Pennsylvania this also ruled him out on the list of possibilities which was slightly annoying. There was also Louis, but Harry wasn’t quite at the stage of their friendship where he felt comfortable enough to initiate any activities and he was almost certain Louis had a million better things to be doing than entertaining Harry for the day.

It was just as he was contemplating maybe asking James if he could go hang at his for the day and just catch a ride to the show with him, that the buzzer for the front-gate went off. Moving to the intercom, Harry didn’t recognise the car right away, but the driver was unmistakably Louis, staring directly into the camera with a hilariously contorted facial expression.

Immediately pressing the enter button, Harry scrambles to throw on some clothes before literally sprinting to the front door and throwing it open, lightly scolding himself for seeming like an overexcited puppy before noting that Louis was literally skipping towards the door.

“What are you doing here?” Harry asks breathily, leaning back against the door frame and motioning for Louis to come in.

“I was literally five minutes away and seen your text, thought we could hang” Louis grins and slithers past Harry into the house, making his way to the fridge with ease and pulling out a bottle of water for himself.

“Hang?” Harry asks amusedly, not even batting an eyelid at his behaviour.

They hadn’t really done much ‘hanging’ has a pair since they were caught sneaking back from McDonalds that morning a couple of weeks ago. It was Harry’s doing really, he’d put a bit of his guard back up after his mind had strayed to the possibility of kissing Louis again. It had been a sharp reality check that Harry was allowing himself to get too comfortable, falling into the trap of thinking everything was good and fine when really… well, really it wasn’t, and he needed to be more vigilant.

“Yeah y’know, hang out man” Louis bellows ostentatiously, elbows balanced on the breakfast bar as he grins over at Harry, who has yet to even properly enter the kitchen, too stuck in his own head.

“Well, like what sort of stuff” Harry finally says, shuffling over to the opposite side of the island and mimicking Louis’ stance.

“I dunno” the other man shrugs with an unimpressed look. “You were the one that messaged asking to do summat”

“I don’t know” Harry groans. “What were you even doing out here anyway? This is miles away from your house” he frowns, suddenly confused at how Louis could be just ‘in the area’ when his house was far closer to the others at the shooting range than Malibu.

“Oh, I don’t have that house anymore” Louis says. “I bought a place out near here”

“What?” Harry quite literally gasps. “Why didn’t you tell us!”

“The others all know mate, I thought you did too to be honest. I literally asked you last week if you wanted to carshare into interviews” Louis shrugs, instantly making Harry flush with embarrassment.

“Oh, right well” Harry stutters, remembering the conversation quite vividly as he’d thought it was a bizarre request considering their differing locations. “When did you move?” he asks, needing to change the subject.

“Um, what year did we run into each other at the studio that time? Was just before then I think”

“That was like three years ago!” Harry shrieks, realising he’s being rather dramatic and Mumbling an apology quickly.

“We hardly keep each other up to date on our property investments Harry” Louis laughs amusedly.

“Still” he pouts a bit, and Louis rolls his eyes before flicking the last bit of his water over at Harry, most of it misses but he yelps away anyway.

“You can come over real soon, promise”

Harry grins. “Now, let’s go now”

“Now?”

“Yes, let’s _hang_ and go see your new house”

“It’s hardly my new-“

“La la la, I’ve no time for your negativity. I want to see your new house, let’s go” Harry accentuates his demand with a stomp of the foot and grabs his sunglasses from the side table.

Louis smiles, eyes rather fond. “You’re fun today”

Harry ignores the way his stomach lurches and forces his brain not to overthink, dragging Louis outside into the garage instead.

“Absolutely not” Louis squeaks once he realises what Harry is thinking.

His motorbike is sitting pride-of-place in the garage, front and centre as his (small) collection of cars sit towards the back of the garage or out on the driveway.

“C’mon Lou, it’s so much fun” Harry insists, already passing Louis the helmet he reserves for guests. “Even Kendall has ridden with me when she comes over” he says after a moment, biting the inside of his lip as he waits for Louis’ inevitable-

“Fine” he huffs, snatching the helmet off of a rather smug Harry. “But if I die, then please tell Niall that our pact still stands… he’ll know what you mean” Louis says rather ominously, throwing a leg over the bike before Harry can even question that particular remark. “C’mon then, we’ve got somewhere to be in eight hours Harry”

xXx

“Just admit you loved it!” Harry laughs, throwing another grape in the vague direction of Louis.

They were out on the balcony, after the ‘quick tour’ Harry had insisted on, Louis being a surprisingly gracious host and providing both water and fruit to snack on whilst they lounged in the sun. The argument of whether or not Louis had enjoyed the bike ride over here had started pretty much when they arrived at Louis’ home, neither boy willing to relent on their stance.

“I did not! It was petrifying” Louis splutters back, picking up the grape Harry had just thrown off the deck and popping it in his mouth anyway. “You used to be such a sweet boy, all curly in your blazers. Now look at you, you’ve got a moustache and ride a bloody motorbike”

“I think the kids call it a glow-up Lou” Harry grins cheekily, dramatically running his thumb and forefinger over his facial hair for emphasis.

Louis groans. “Never, ever say that again. You sound so old”

“If I’m old, what does that make you?” Harry can’t help but snicker, earning himself a glare and a grape pelted directly into the side of his face.

The house itself is nice, homier and quainter than Harry had been expecting. It was smaller and less-cluttered than his London home, likely to do with the fact he didn’t reside here full time, however there was definitely an overlap in the design which when he mentioned, Louis had explained that the same company had decorated both since he’d been too lazy to hire two.

Things had gotten marginally awkward when they’d hovered around the door to Louis’ bedroom, Harry definitely not wanting to step into the room an inch but feeling inclined to at least give it a glance lest he seem rude. Thankfully Louis had picked up on the tension, merely throwing the door open and saying ‘my bedroom’ before slamming it shut again and moving onto the next.

There hadn’t really been much room for silence, since after the tour Louis had spotted the clear markings of an arse print on his kitchen patio doors and had launched into a near ten-minute rant about letting his sister Lottie stay here unsupervised. Despite constantly making reference to the fact Lottie wouldn’t be allowed back without his supervision, Louis ends his tirade with a note about making the cleaner double check all the glass next time, so Harry assumes she’s not actually blacklisted just yet. Although the ordeal does make him grateful for Gemma, unable to imagine dealing with wild younger sisters.

“How many times do you think Fleur and Niall have nearly gave Liam a heart attack at the shooting range” Louis ponders after a while, adjusting his position on the sun lounger so he’s lying face down, head tilted towards Harry.

He scoffs. “An infinite amount, can you remember the time we went paint-balling in Denver?”

“When I pretended to shoot Zayn with the unloaded paintball gun and Liam cried and tried to punch me?”

“That’s the one”

“Funnily enough I remember that quite well, Liam nearly taking my head off and all” Louis huffs with a frown. “I didn’t even _fire_ the bloody gun! It wasn’t _loaded_! It was a _paintball_ gun!”

“In his defence you had been extra… Louis-ey that day, I think he was just waiting for an excuse to whack you to be honest”

Louis lifts his head to give Harry an icy stare. “I have no idea what you mean, I on-”

“Moving on!” Harry exclaims, wracking his brain for any other topic of conversation to talk about. “You excited for the show tonight?”

“Laaaame” Louis hollers, unimpressed at Harry’s attempt to change the subject. “I guess so, filmed most of it though haven’t we. Just the performances and interview bits each day then whatever little game thingys he’s got planned… that side effect one today innit?”

Harry hums an affirmative ‘ _yeah’_.

As it was the first night of their tenancy, they’d filmed a bit of a skit last week which involved James kidnapping each of the boys from various locations and forcing them into a reunion – pretending he’d been the mastermind behind it all along. For his ‘kidnapping’ Niall had gotten to go to a golf course and literally play a round of golf before being thrown into the back of a van at the end, the other four were insanely jealous. Zayn in particular wasn’t _entirely_ happy with his own story, as it involved James dramatically tracking him to a literal cave which had been decorated entirely in 1D posters, where he’d supposedly been hiding for the last six years.

Although the Zayn’s was by far the funniest and most extreme, Harry had undeniably enjoyed his own filming hours at the wellness retreat, chilling in a robe whilst two lovely ladies fed him cubes of fruit was quite literally a dream. It was as he was ‘pretending’ to get a massage, James swapped places with the actual masseuse and had strapped Harry to the bed he was laying on and wheeled him away. It wasn’t the worst day at work he’d ever had.

This had all been edited together with footage of them being thrown into a cell together and emotionally ‘reuniting’ which, in-short, involved; Zayn riffing through his (fake) tears, Harry mentioning he used to work in a bakery, Niall try to fashion a guitar out of random objects within the room, Louis saying the word ‘lad’ seventeen times and Liam going live on TikTok only for the others to realise he had a phone and tackle him – thus breaking it. The skit ends with the five of them wearing outfits identical to that of their Up All Night tour, red trousers, blazers and all as James forces them to perform on his show.

When they had seen the final edit, they had all genuinely cried with laughter, the sight of them each being kidnapped was oddly funny enough without the little throwback twist at the end. Although Louis’ face when he was informed he’d have to perform on live television wearing said outfit was a close second and thankfully Fleur had caught it on camera.

They were obviously going to sing a revamped version of _What Makes You Beautiful_ as well as a cover of The Bee Gees _How Deep Is Your Love_ which Harry in particular was very excited for. Harry always felt quite relaxed about interviews with James, counting him as a friend meant he knew where their boundaries were and what he absolutely could not mention, it definitely helped all of them feel substantially more comfortable than going in with an unknown person.

Before he can drift further into this pool of thought, another grape is hitting the side of his face and Harry’s full attention is back in the present, with Louis looking at him expectantly.

“Are you even listening? You had your gawpy face on” he says, eyes narrowing slightly as he sits up on the lounger.

“I don’t gawp!” Harry huffs. “I just zoned out, what’s up?”

“I said that I’m hungry, wanna go get some food?” as if already anticipating a yes, Louis starts to pull on his trainers and tame his hair.

Harry hesitates. On the one hand, he’s also fairly hungry and he really should eat before the show as things could get sort of manic once you were there. However, if Louis was suggesting they go out to eat, then maybe that wasn’t such a wise idea.

“I don’t think we can go out to eat” he says, trying his best not to wince.

“What? Why not?” Louis asks with a frown. “I can call Hank if you’re worried about security. Or your guy, Jason?”

“It’s not that” he insists. The fans had actually backed off since their request, understanding that for One Direction to actually be back together they sort of needed to leave the house together to do things. There was still the odd mobbing, but it wasn’t anything quite like that first week, more on the level they used to get in LA back in the old days. Which was a strange sort of relief in a way.

“Then what?” Louis presses.

“Um well, I don’t- I dunno if, um I don’t know if we should be like, seen out together?” he poses the statement as a question in the hopes it will lessen the impact.

Obviously, Louis still scoffs, frown morphing into something a lot more hurt. “Why not?” he demands, hand seemingly unable to stop itself from flailing around.

“Well, um, like what will people think” Harry tries, realising that they’d somehow managed to switch roles over the years. Louis had always been the one to hold back, insist they didn’t go out in public together whilst Harry had begged and pouted and thrown the odd tantrum over the matter.

Louis laughs, actually full-blown laughs. “Well, I never thought I’d see the day” he gasps, seemingly following the same thought pattern as Harry. “You realise that photo from McDonalds has been doing the rounds of just about everywhere since the girl posted it right? Also, we’re literally in a band together?”

“I-“

“So, it makes zero sense for you to be worried about this now. Also, you never had a problem with it before. It was always me… Have- Are you seeing somebody? Is that what this is?”

Harry splutters. “What? No, of course I’m not seeing anyone and even if I was then I wouldn-“

“Well then what’s your issue? C’mon?” Louis had gone into full offence mode, mouth set into a thin line and eyes set so sharply Harry feels very exposed.

“I suppose- I don’t, I dunno” he shrugs, already feeling the fight wash out of him, not even sure what his own point had been in all honesty.

Louis was right, the McDonalds photo had gone _fairly_ viral over the last couple of weeks, which also may be an understatement. It had made national news in several countries due to the sheer traction it gained online, there was a genuine mix of shock and excitement at the two of them being seen out and about alone together. The last time Harry and checked, or rather the last time Niall had forced it in front of his face, the original tweet with the picture had almost two million likes and just over one and a half million retweets. All because of a slightly blurry picture of the two of them in a McDonalds drive thru. Madness.

Harry allowed himself a moment to dwell on things further, was there any actual reason he didn’t want to be seen out alone with Louis or was he just so unused to the situation his knee-jerk reaction had been no? There was only one way to fully test things he supposed.

“Alright fine, I’m sorry. Where do you wanna go?”

They end up in _Nobu_ because Harry wanted Japanese food and literally refused to even stop the car for anywhere else Louis suggested, the radio doing a lovely job of drowning out Louis’ whining about the choice. He’d tried to also insist they rode the bike there but Louis had quickly pointed out that he would literally vomit if he got on ‘that thing’ after a meal so Harry reluctantly stopped back at his place to swap out for his Rover.

Despite not giving the slightest hint that he knew who they were, the waiter had graciously escorted them to one of the more secluded tables out on the terrace and they’d mutually slipped their sunglasses back over their eyes as a little extra protection.

Louis makes a show of complaining at every opportunity, announcing that Harry is paying and ordering both the most expensive meal and glass of wine whilst ignoring Harry’s reminders that that spending 96$ on a meal was hardly going to break his bank account. Eventually he gave up arguing back and Louis repaid him by _not_ dramatically gagging when his sashimi was placed on the table.

They chat a little more about the show, about how they think everything is going with the band, about the fact Liam’s TikTok obsession is definitely getting out of hand. It’s actually quite _nice_ Harry finds, just like catching up with any other friend he grabs food with, only this friend has known you since you were 16 and has also had your dick in his mouth. Which, it’s not the first time he’s been friends with an ex so it shouldn’t come as such a shock.

They make it until they’re just about to pay the bill before a fan approaches and asks for a picture, she’s young and polite so they oblige willingly as her dad organises them against the seafront backdrop to get a decent picture together. After signing both her phone case and t-shirt, the pair of them head back to Harry’s car and decide to just head to the studio right away, time is getting on and there’s not much point heading back to either of their houses this late in the day.

Louis offers to drive which Harry gratefully accepts, wishing he’d listened to Louis and gave dessert a miss as he now frets about squeezing into his suit trousers for tonight. There’s not much chatter on the drive, Harry putting his ‘ _C A L M’_ playlist on and using the time to reply to a few texts – primarily from Gemma, with whom he’s currently locked in a heated debate over the pros and cons of having a large garden in central London.

xXx

Harry allows himself one last moment to laugh before he steels himself and looks deadpan down the camera.

“Is anybody here thinking of reuniting a globally successful boyband?” the crowd gives a loud cheer and he gets the thumbs-up from a cameraman to carry on. “If you’re thinking of reuniting a globally successful boyband you should know there are side-effects… and those side-effects may include… People assuming you’re doing it because you’re in trouble with the tax man and need to make a quick buck” the crowd laugh, and Harry allows himself to smile along. “Like they don’t know you’ve had _two_ successful solo albums _and_ starred in a Christopher Nolan movie”

The camera man slowly pans across to Niall who’s sat next to Harry, and he steels himself for his lines. “People asking if it’s difficult re-joining a band with thee Harry Styles who’s had _two_ successful solo albums _and_ starred in a Christopher Nolan movie” Niall starts. “But what they don’t know is that Harry is just like every other average Joe… if that average Joe also fashions elaborate suits out of their Nan’s old curtains… true story folks, that actually happened!”

This is the last segment of the show for the day, Harry oddly thankful he has Louis to carshare home with, it’ll be nice not to have to do the drive alone. Of course, he could have just got a hotel as Liam and Zayn had done however when the option presented itself to sleep in his own bed, he took it; soon enough they’d be back on tour and he’d already seen enough hotels to last a lifetime.

Louis politely offers to take the wheel when they eventually get back to the car which Harry is thankful for, he’s too worn-out to deal with LA traffic and it’ll be nice to just decompress before getting home which rarely ever happens if he has to drive.

xXx

They end up forming a bit of routine.

Louis shows up a few hours before they have to leave for filming, often with some food or beverage in tow for them to enjoy out on the beach or on the patio area. Harry complains about Louis’ driving and the fact he insists on having both the air-con _and_ seat warmers on, Louis tending just to respond by either turning up the volume of whatever radio station is playing or outright laughing in his face. But ultimately, they come and go from _The_ _Late_ _Late_ studio together, a fact that hasn’t gone unnoticed by anyone in the world apparently.

There are tweets and texts and even the odd email from friends and family casually asking about his ‘new-found friendship’ with Louis, as if they hadn’t been friends and subsequent acquaintances for over a decade at this point. He somewhat understands it must be confusing and even worrying for his Mum and Gemma to see pictures of him with Louis or hear him chattering in the background when they call because they lived through it with him, they know almost all the ins and outs of what happened. Though wonders what everybody else’s excuse is for being so nosy…

And the thing is, in theory Harry is also confused and worried, if he spends too long thinking about their little carpool deal or the fact they tend to grab lunch most days together then his lungs start to constrict and his mind starts to spiral into _‘what is this’_ mode. But when Harry allows himself to relax into the situation, he finds there’s actually nothing wrong with spending time with Louis like this.

On Thursday, Harry settles down for his video session with Dr Anderson in his home ‘library’ (a corner of the guest bedroom reserved for books and a desk), meaning that the first five or so minutes of the session are spent giving the Doctor a very slight overview of some of his favourite books; he does briefly wonder if she may be analysing his choices with her psychology head on before he gets distracted by his first edition copy of _Wind In The Willows._

Weirdly enough, Louis isn’t even within the top three things he wants to talk about this week, in fact Harry thinks his relationship with Louis is probably in a better place than it had been even before the bands split. It’s other friendship’s he’s struggling with, there’s a distance starting to form between himself and people outside of the bands orbit and he wonders if this just is a by-product of the reunion or if he’s perhaps being neglectful. Dr Anderson opines that it may be a mixture of the two; Harry is caught up in this new adventure and thus friends are more likely to give him space whilst he is also giving them space in order to be with the boys more… it’s a loop that he vows to work at abolishing, already making mental notes on who he can meet up with here before they fly back to London next week.

He talks to her about their time spent at _The Late Late Show,_ detailing how their tenancy is going to be rounded off tonight as their much-anticipated Carpool Karaoke is aired, along with the surprise announcement that a new single is on its way very soon. They’d gotten the final audio through earlier in the week and Harry is not afraid to admit he’d gotten a little weepy as they’d huddled together to listen. It was a song they had written together in Antigua, focuses on the feeling they often get when they think about what it could have been, if they’d stayed cooped in their small towns instead of doing all this. It’s moody, quirky and so honest that Harry is genuinely a little nervous for the public’s reaction. It’s a far cry from some of the more generic One Direction songs that are out there which is essentially due to the fact it’s been solely crafted by the five of them. Apart from the actual production, everything from the music to the words had been created between the band.

They also touch on his increased usage of social media too; he’s starting to feel himself slip back into old ways when it comes to feeling a need to know what people are saying about him and the band. They agree on setting daily minute limits for now, vowing to check in next week and see whether or not this is curbing some of the itch.

It’s with ten minutes to spare that Louis’ name is finally mentioned in more than a passing.

Harry’s off on a bit of a tangent. “I mean, it’s all well and good putting the road sign and the traffic cones immediately before the closure but what about beforehand? It just causes so many more problems y’know? Like, Louis says that if you-“

“Ah Louis” Dr Anderson says, in quite possibly the politest way Harry has ever been interrupted. He tries not to be too put out she doesn’t want to hear more of his thoughts on the LA traffic management system. “I notice we haven’t spoken about him much this week, is there a particular reason?”

“Um” Harry crinkles his nose slightly. “I don’t think so, I just feel… I feel like we’re at a really good place right now”

“How so?” she presses as Harry’s mind scrambles to find some words to explain.

“It feels like… like we’re actually friends again? Like, when we were friends before I think we maybe relied on each other a bit too much and were quite co-dependent which didn’t help in the whole _falling in love_ department. Whereas now I don’t feel like that, I enjoy spending time with him, but I don’t feel needy or jealous for his attention… if that makes sense?”

Sally nods, clicking her pen a couple of times as it’s poised over her notebook. “I’m so happy that you have been able to get to this place Harry, truly. You’ve showed real resilience to open yourself up to forgiveness” he blushes bright red at her words muttering a quick ‘ _thanks’_ before she continues. “Have you spoken to Louis about this? Do you know how he’s feeling on the matter?”

“It’s mutual… well, at least the friendship part is. I don’t know about the co-dependency stuff, not sure I feel too comfortable talking to him about those feelings if I’m honest” he shrugs nervously, still sometimes worried about the Doctor’s opinion or response.

“That’s understood of course” she hums, and Harry’s eyes flick subconsciously to the clock. _Five minutes left, maybe we’ll wrap up early_ he thinks _._ “I am interested how you feel about Louis romantically now that your friendship is growing… I know this is a concern you’ve been harbouring for a while”

No rest for the wicked it seems.

“Um, romantically?” Harry asks slowly, not particularly needing her to elaborate on the question but wanting it, nonetheless.

The Doctor nods. “You’re growing closer to him with every passing day, I wonder what your thoughts are about a romantic relationship with Louis as you navigate this new chapter together”

“Well, I mean. There is no romantic relationship right now… or ever!” he corrects quickly. “There won’t be one… we- I- no”

“Is it something you’re still anxious about though? The possibility the blurring between friendship and lovers once more?”

Trying desperately to ignore the fact Sally just referred to them as _lovers_ Harry’s mind immediately goes back to that night only two weeks ago, the warmth of Louis against him as they lay in an embrace. The minuscule distance between their lips as Harry imagined even the most chaste of kiss.

He hadn’t told Sally about it last week, and he wasn’t particularly keen on doing so this week either because he could tell her what happened, recount every moment in detail, but Harry was almost certain what the outcome of that would be. Dr Anderson would explain that those thoughts were perfectly natural. They were what they once were and when presented with an opportunity where they’d once upon a time kiss, Harry’s mind simply went back to that moment.

“Nope” he responds, wondering if she can hear the lie in his tone. “I’m pretty sure I’m over that” Harry holds back a wince, knowing that _definitely_ sounded like a lie and the subtle quirk of Sally’s lips tells him she knows it too.

Because they could speak all day about ‘ _being transported back to a moment or feeling’_ but what Harry knew, deep, deep down is that he thought about kissing Louis because he’d wanted to. He’d wanted to kiss him and that was definitely the scariest realisation of all.

It was a thought he categorically had to keep locked deep inside his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay new chapter! 
> 
> I've been thinking about OT5 doing a Late Late tenancy all week and honestly I'm sad it's probs never gonna happen, I need to see that kidnapping skit!!!
> 
> Also, if they played Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts, what Q's would you want them to answer? I almost wrote this into the fic but I feel like all my hypothetical questions were either too deep or too trivial lol. Leave me a comment, I'm genuinely interested!! 
> 
> Anywayyyy! Thanks for reading :) x
> 
> P.s. The hypothetical new single is most definitely inspired by the song Changes Harry wrote for Cam for her album The Otherside. Sigh, if you haven't listened to this yet then what are you doing??????


	16. Chapter Sixteen

_26 th August 2020 – London, England_

Once a month, if their combined schedules allow, Harry gets together with Gemma to have, what they call, ‘fancy lunch’

‘Fancy lunch’ had been coined by Anne when they were children, both going through a particularly fussy phase with food, she thought a monthly treat would spur them on to eat better – which of course it did. In actual fact, the food at fancy lunch was no different to any other meal they may have on a normal Saturday (sandwiches, biscuits, maybe a sausage roll from the bakery) but it was the _experience_ that made it better.

Harry and Gemma would be allowed to put on their ‘posh clothes’, usually something they’d recently worn to a wedding or christening, and Anne would dress up in formal work attire and even allow them to use the _fancy_ dinnerware that was usually reserved for Christmas or if their Gran came over for Sunday lunch.

They would sit at their kitchen table as if at a real restaurant, Anne offering little handmade menus she’d spent the week crafting and serving them tea in proper teacups with saucers (very occasionally they also got juice mocktails in the crystal glasses). He and Gemma would sit and pretend they were important adults for the afternoon; Gemma often talking about how busy ‘ _business’_ had been that week whilst Harry complained about ‘the kids’ tiring him out.

Fancy lunches were a staple in the Styles household for a strong three years and Harry was more than a little heartbroken when Gemma turned twelve and decided it was much cooler to go into town on a Saturday afternoon than spend time playing pretend with her little brother. Although they did make a brief reappearance when Harry turned thirteen, Anne forcing the pair of them to spend a bit of time together and act civil after a particularly rough few months of sibling arguing. That lasted all of two times before she realised trying to force two strong-willed teenagers into anything was not worth her energy.

Much to their Mum’s delight, it was a tradition they’d picked back up when Harry was a year out of the band. It wasn’t quite the fanfare it was when they were children; their Mum obviously didn’t make the journey to London to wait on them and the food was often takeout. But the premise was still the same, they would both dress up nicely and have lunch together, just the two of them and talk about whatever took their fancy - pun intended. It should also be said there was much less pretend these days, they did tend to talk about actual business and Harry certainly wasn’t complaining about any fictitious children; although Gemma would often jokingly ask how they were doing much to Harry’s chagrin.

So, fancy lunch at Gemma’s flat, is exactly where Harry found himself on this Wednesday in late August. Dressed in a three-piece Gucci suit whilst Gemma sat across from him wearing a similarly eccentric floral dress, Michal banished from his home for the next few hours whilst they gossiped. It had been a while since they had last managed to do this, between the band reuniting and various projects Gemma had floating around some quality time together had been nigh-on-impossible.

“Time you get back yesterday? Thought you might wanna postpone, you’re probably knackered” Gemma says after their general ‘how are you’ ‘nice weather’ conversation, taking a sip of her tea.

“Got home at like five AM, did manage to sleep a bit on the plane so it wasn’t too bad. Besides I couldn’t reschedule again, this is like my only free lunch for the next week” Harry shrugs, taking another hearty bite of the pomegranate and feta salad Gemma had made for the occasion. “This is fucking divine” he mumbles, mouth a little too full to be talking.

Gemma preens. “Nice innit? Had it in a restaurant a while back and just Googled the recipe to make at home”

At this point in their lives, these lunches run like clockwork.

They first discuss food; food they’re eating, food they’ve eaten that was good lately, bad food they’d had lately. Harry shares all about the surprisingly good brussels sprout salad he’d sampled whilst attending a dinner with their management company whilst Gemma updates him on her quest to make the perfect hummus; this week she’d tried adding baking soda to the chickpea water, but she still wasn’t quite satisfied.

This led nicely onto the next topic which tended to be a general recap on what they had been up to. Harry spoke about various things he done during his time in LA, although they had spoken via phone and message quite often it still wasn’t the same as a face-to-face conversation and so Harry didn’t really spare any details. He went over the shows they filmed, giving little backstage tidbits about the other guests that had been on with them throughout the week; Anna Wintour was as lovely as ever whilst Will Ferrell had been shockingly rude.

Conversation then turns to family and or home-town gossip. A cousin on their Dad’s side has just gotten engaged to a boy she’d known for less than two months so that had been a huge talking point for their entire family this week. Whilst on their Mum’s side, their Great-Aunt Betty was finally downsizing to a bungalow after much pressure from the wider family to do so. Gemma had also heard a boy she had briefly dated in secondary school had recently been arrested for trying to smuggle drugs home from Vietnam, which Harry does find rather surprising even though he never liked the guy.

“Oh! Did you know that guy, Rob, asked Mum on another date as well? When is he going to get the memo” Gemma scoffs and Harry can’t help but roll his eyes alongside her.

“He’s the worst, like actually the worst” it’s perhaps a slight exaggeration, Rob sounded like a respectable man in all honesty, but their Mum wasn’t interested, and this was now the fourth time of asking her for a date. “No means no Rob” he adds.

Gemma nods and smooths her down dress and leans on her elbows across the table. “What about you then? You end up getting it on with fit cricketer Ben in the end?”

“No, wasn’t my type in the end. Nice guy though… We’re going to watch him play next week actually” Harry explains, ignoring the fact his sister just said the words ‘getting it on’ in relation to his date.

“Ooh la la, fit cricketer ben in fit cricketer… outfits? I dunno what you call cricket clothes”

“Kits I imagine, like football” Harry responds with slight hesitance, not entirely confident in his answer.

“All five of you going to watch?” she asks whilst cutting a generous piece of the lemon drizzle cake Harry had brought over.

“Nah, just me, Niall and Liam. It’s on our days off before the single is released so Zayn’s going to fly back to Gigi and Louis said it sounded like hell on Earth so…” he trails off with a shrug. “Fleur might come too but depends if Cassie has to work or not”

“How’s it going with Louis anyway” Gemma pries, completely bypassing the other names Harry had just mentioned. “Twitter and Instagram are going batshit over you two just casually hanging out”

Harry can’t help but groan, giving his rather annoying sister a pleading look. “Do we have to do this? I get it from Mum enough. We’ve decided to be friends, I don’t really see what people are finding so hard to believe. I mean, we’re in a bloody boyband together”

“Manband”

“Manband, boyband, whatever” Harry grumps. “It was weird, we talked, it’s not really that weird anymore. I like spending time with him again, I’d missed just having him as a friend and I _thought_ you and Mum and everybody else would be happy I’ve worked on my issues”

Gemma throws her hands up in surrender. “Touchy subject, I get it” she smirks.

“No… Well yeah but it’s fine. Sorry” he says with a scrunch of the nose. “At this point though, if I never seen the words Larry Stylinson again it would be too fucking soon”

Gemma snorts, spluttering around a mouthful of cake. “Larry Stylinson” she taunts. “I remember the day you first seen that on Twitter, phoned me right up and asked me what it all meant… ‘ _Gem, people are saying I’m gay with Lou. They’re calling us Larry’”_ she (poorly) imitates Harry’s baritone voice.

“Ok first of all I don’t sound like that, especially didn’t at 16” he retorts. “Secondly, I was definitely a lot more confused about the whole thing. I thought it meant they knew I was bi”

They both laugh quietly, Harry’s mind taking him back to the moment in question.

_The fifth video diary has just gone live when Harry sees the first tweet about Larry Stylinson._

_He’s in the X Factor house, laying on his bunk as the others all watch a movie or something downstairs, too tired and emotionally drained to even entertain the idea of interacting with all those people. Rehearsals had been tough again this week however the fact that Liam had finally given up making them do extra practice each evening was a welcome change of pace from the previous weeks._

_Relatively new to Twitter, he follows a few more fan accounts that have popped up since their performance last week and whilst Harry knows it wasn’t anywhere near their best, people seemed to be generally positive about it which was nice to see._

_It’s as he’s about to retweet a girl talking about how excited she is for their next performance that he sees it. ‘_ Harry and Louie!! I ship it omg <3 #LarryStylinson XD’. _It takes a moment for him to realise they’re talking about him and Louis and then another few minutes to Google what on earth ‘ship’ means in this context. Figuring it’s a weird Twitter thing he doesn’t understand, he phones the only other person in his family who has the app, Gemma._

_“Harry!” she greets cheerily, instantly putting a smile on his face._

_“Alright Gems?”_

_“Yeah alright. Just finished my last lecture for the day, how about you? No TV star duties to be doing this afternoon?” she teases, as she does every time they speak._

_Harry snorts. “No got the afternoon off actually, Liam’s given us the all-clear for the evening”_

_She cackles at that, the distinct sounds of traffic filtering through the speaker in her silence. “I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did to be honest, you’re hardly the most co-operative bunch”_

_“Think Louis threatening to drown him after he woke us up at 6am on Saturday to train at the gym finally done it” Harry says amusedly. Not bother to recount the exact moment Liam had rather scandalously found Louis tucked tightly beside Harry in his bed, whispering death threats without even cracking an eye as Harry just shrugged apologetically._

_They momentarily get dragged into gossiping about the boys, Harry giving her updates on little bits and pieces they’d spoke about a few days previously at the live show; like how the hairdressers had finally manage to tone down Niall’s blonde hair slightly._

_It’s only as Gemma is about to say her goodbyes Harry remembers why he actually called his sister. “Oh! Gems, wait. I need to ask you about something Twitter related”_

_“Twitter related?” she asks dumbly._

_“Yeah so I saw this tweet about me and Louis… well I think they meant my Louis because they spel-“_

_“Your Louis eh?” Gemma cackles, smirk evident and Harry deeply regrets telling her about the ever so slight crush that’s developed._

_“Anyway! As I was saying” he exclaims, cheeks warming slightly. “This girl tweeted something about, like, a ship? And something called Larry… um Sty- Stylinson? What is that”_

_“Jesus H, I guess it’s true what Mum’s friend Jane said, you got the talent, and I got the brains” she says dryly, eyeroll evident even though the phone. “It means they think you two look cute together, as in they think you’d be good in a relationship_. _And Larry Stylinson is just both your names merged together you melt, hearing you try to pronounce that was painful”_

_Harry’s a little too confused to do anything but laugh. “But Louis is straight” he says, as if that’s the only important thing to come from her explanation._

_“Doesn’t matter” she retorts nonchalontly. “Just means they_ think _you’d be cute in a relationship, not that you actually are in one”_

_“Oh… Well, I mean cool, I guess? Nice that it’s not just girls we’re being… shipped with. Did I say that right?”_

_“Yes, Grandpa you used that right!” he can hear her mumble something else under her breath that sounds distinctly like ‘fucking hell’ but she starts talking again before Harry can call her out on it. “Well little brother this has been real but it’s time for me to go and get drunk on very cheap alcohol. Love you lots H”_

_He barely gets out his own endearments before Gemma’s hanging up and leaving Harry to process this odd information alone._

Fancy lunch comes to its natural end not long after their little trip down memory lane, although they do manage to squeeze in the customary FaceTime to Anne who always revels in ‘her babies’ carrying on tradition. Michal is recalled back home soon enough and Harry changes out of his suit in Gemma’s spare room in the hopes a regular shorts and t-shirt combo will draw less attention than the red velvet number he had been wearing.

It’s not until he’s in the car that Harry bothers checking his own phone, having grown accustomed to having Fleur or one of the other boys in immediate proximity he’d gotten into the habit of checking it less and less. Which although not a bad thing, did infuriate people if he left it too long.

There was only six messages and a missed call, all from Fleur which wasn’t entirely unusual since she tended to be a multi-texter and a dramatic caller. As expected, it was nothing noteworthy, three of the texts were about a deer she’d seen whilst out running this morning, one was a meme and the other two were explaining that he didn’t need to bother calling her back as she’d found the email she’d been looking for. Harry sends a message back asking to see the alleged picture of a deer up on its hind legs and starts the short journey home, already thinking about his plans for the evening.

Wednesday was apparently the new Thursday in London and there had been a handful of decent invites to parties and even a gallery opening Harry had briefly thought about attending. A relaxing night at a gallery had been top of the list until Nick had all but demanded his presence at the birthday party of one of their mutual friends. Harry had protested at first, it was a club night which wasn’t really his scene anymore but alas arguing with Nick Grimshaw was a futile attempt.

Which is why later that night, Harry found himself three cocktails deep and propped up at the bar whilst somebody called _Tristan_ talked his ear off about the importance of balancing drum and bass, not going _too drum_ or heaven forbid _too bass. Tristan_ also apparently liked to over-pronounce his own name, it wasn’t Tristan it was _Tristan._

Too polite to tell this relative stranger he had no interest in the conversation, Harry nodded along like he cared, throwing in the odd ‘hmm’ or ‘yeah completely mate’ to keep _Tristan_ engaged. Otherwise, Harry’s eyes wandered around slightly, hoping to find Nick or somebody else from the small group he’d arrived with but to no avail. The club was members only so whilst it was packed, it was also small, which made Harry contemplate why it was so bloody hard to find the people he wanted.

“I think the history of the sub-culture is what really drew me in though, y’know?” _Tristan_ drawls in his overly posh accent. “I once heard someone describe it as the bastard child of electronic and it just- wow, it just really resonated”

Harry wants to ask _why_ this man thought he the perfect candidate for this conversation, but _Tristan’s_ blown pupils and twitchy jaw probably have more to do with things than Harry himself. It’s as they get to number seven on _Tristan’s_ top ten tracks that Harry spots him, watching on with a knowing smirk.

Louis.

Taking another sip of his cocktail, Harry’s eyes flick to _Tristan_ and then back to Louis, shooting his bandmate an exaggerated eyeroll once he’s sure his new friend isn’t looking.

“What do you think Harry?” _oops._ Harry weasels his way out of _Tristan’s_ question by agreeing wholeheartedly with whatever he’s just said, apparently the right move as this earns him a sloppy slap to the shoulder and _Tristan_ finally buggers off.

When Harry turns back to where Louis had been stood, he’s no longer there and in his place a couple grinding rather hard on each other are kissing like there’s no tomorrow.

“Good for them” somebody says beside him, hand coming to rest on Harry’s bare bicep. He shivers instinctively, once again wishing he’d worn something long sleeved as his ever so slight arm insecurity flares up. “I see you’ve met _Tristan”_ the person says after a second, giving his arm a gentle squeeze before moving to his front.

Louis.

“Louis” Harry says with a dopey smile. “ _Tristan”_ he adds as an afterthought, Louis nodding along as if that was actually a coherent sentence.

“So, Styles. What’s brought you around these parts?” Louis asks, slipping onto the stool beside Harry and waving the barman over for two more of ‘ _whatever that blue thing is he’s drinking’._

“S’ Uma’s birthday” Harry explains, pointing in the vague direction of where he’d seen Uma dancing with a stripper not too long ago.

“Oh, you know Uma?” Louis asks, quickly launching into his own explanation on how he met the publicist. Apparently after meeting at Lou Teasdale’s birthday last year, Louis and Uma had unknowingly fallen asleep on the sofa together and had woken up awkwardly spooning; one full English and almost a full year later and they were still rather good friends. Harry then felt inclined to briefly explain how he didn’t know Uma quite on the level of Louis but that he’d mainly came as a favour for Nick, Louis nodding along and smiling at the mention of Nick.

“You two still shagging” he taunted, knowing exactly how much it would make Harry huff. Which it did.

“We’ve kissed once! Honestly, why I tell you lot anything I don’t know” he whines, taking a large gulp of the blue cocktail the barman had placed down earlier.

“I’m only jealous” Louis cackled, thankfully turning to face the dancefloor before he could see the way Harry’s cheeks flared red. “What you been up to today? Apparently, Niall thought you had a good enough excuse to miss out on going for a bike ride with him” Louis curses. “Cheers for that by the way, it was just me in the end” this time Harry is the one giggling, head starting to swim from the alcohol.

_Maybe I should slow down_ he thinks before shrugging and taking another gulp, the blue drink tasting more like a refreshing fruit juice than alcohol. That was probably the issue.

“Fancy lunch with Gem” Harry explains.

“Nice” Louis grins knowingly. Having been shown just about every Styles family photo album and home video, he was quite well versed in the fancy lunch routine; particularly liking the pictures from the week Harry and Gemma had swapped clothes, him donning a red plaid dress whilst she wore his shirt and tie. “Gem alright?”

The conversation was far too boring to be having in a club really, both having to pay extra close attention to each other lest the music wash the conversation away. Harry didn’t mind though, relieved to be away from _Tristan’s_ endless monologue it was nice to be with Louis, especially a slightly tipsy Louis who didn’t seem to have any of the reserve that came when he was sober.

It was something Harry had noticed about Louis in the weeks they had spent together since the bungalow, he held back on drinking, only having one or two and slyly disposing of the extras in plant pots or by pretending to spill. He still smoked weed, obviously, but the actual alcohol consumption was kept to a minimum.

“You’re drunk” Harry playfully accuses, brain clearing momentarily to let him know this looks _a lot_ like flirting but not bothering to alter his behaviour.

“I didn’t think you’d be here” Louis shrugs, as if that makes any sense to Harry. “D’ya wanna come out while I smoke?”

“Mmh” Harry nods, wishing fleetingly he didn’t wear his custom cream Bode shirt to a club before forgetting all about the matter when he realises Louis is already pushing his way through the club without him.

The smoking area is thankfully rather quiet in comparison to the club itself, there’s a few other stragglers around the edges who give them a quick glance as they burst through the doors before going back to minding their own business. Harry had come to learn that the smoking area, was somewhat of a sacred place amongst Brits and people tended to focus on their own groups rather than try to infiltrate others. Which was quite the opposite to the States.

He and Louis take the only available corner, the wall of the club and the garden boxing them in on two sides whilst a giant wooden bench does the job on another, the seclusion offering Harry a moment to relax his shoulders and shake out his hair, noticing a rather ominous stain on the hem of his lemon trousers.

“You forgot how to dress for a club?” Louis laughs around his cigarette, eyes tracking Harry’s hand has it rubs over the stain. “Always go black on the bottom mate”

Harry sighs sombrely, trying his hardest not to scrunch his nose at the smoke smell. “I didn’t think I’d be here long enough to get stained, was gonna do a Zayn” he explains, Louis’ lips quirking at the phrase.

“The night’s still young let Haz, stick with me and I’ll show you a good night” Louis grins and quickly stands, stubbing out his cigarette into the ashtray and… and _did he just wink?_

Mouth agape, Harry forgets he’s meant to follow Louis back into the club until Louis’ exasperated head reappears around the doorframe and beckons him over.

First on the agenda is grabbing four more of those blue cocktails, _Blue Lagoon’s_ they learn _,_ and taking large gulps out of each of their two glasses before slipping through the crowd back to the booth Louis had been sitting in before he’d spotted Harry. Lottie and a friend are sat there once they manage to get through the crowd, narrowly dodging _Tristan._

Upon seeing Harry, Lottie immediately squeals and stands to give him a rather tight hug. “Harry!” she yells directly into his ear. “Y’alright babe?” he manages to reciprocate both the hug and the sentiment without spilling a drop of his drinks which earns him an impressed nod from Louis. He and Lottie spend the next half an hour chatting away, Harry mostly listening to what she’s been up to in the years since they last properly spoke and congratulating her on the successful businesses she’s managed to build.

“I didn’t bring you here to crack on with me sister Harry” Louis huffs eventually, exaggeratedly glaring at them both from across the table. Lottie’s friend apparently disappeared completely.

“You’re just jealous” Lottie smirks over her wine glass, Louis’ eyes narrowing.

“You watch your mouth” Louis retorts.

Lottie just cackles and turns back towards Harry. “So, H. You seeing anybody lately? What’s this I hear about fit cricketer Ben” she waggles her eyebrows and Harry immediately flushes, eyes flicking to Louis who looks a amusing mix between furious and embarrassed.

“No m’single. Fit cricketer Ben was nice, and he was fit but nothing ever happened” he shrugs and takes a sip of his drink, both of them basically just the ice remaining at this point.

“Interesting” Lottie says pointedly, head lolling around to look between Louis and Harry in a rather obvious manner. “Well, I’m off to find Brit. Have fun you two, be good Lou!” she gives them both air kisses on both cheeks and shimmies off towards where a group of girls are dancing nearby.

“Well, I can only apologise for her” Louis huffs, making grabby hands at the bottle of white wine currently chilling in an ice bucket beside Harry until he relents and passes it to him.

“That is literally what you’re like” Harry snorts, shaking his head when Louis offers to pour him some wine into his now empty cocktail glass. “Classy” he remarks.

Louis shrugs and takes a large gulp. “You know me mate. Can take the lad out of Donny and all that”

They bicker back and forth for a few minutes, a waitress interrupting only to clear away some of the empty glasses and replenish their drinks by providing them with a giant fishbowl of the blue juice – _Blue Lagoon._

Around the half-way mark Harry vaguely thinks he’ll regret drinking this much in the morning, but then Louis goes cross eyed as he tries to drink faster than him and that thought gets pushed to the bottom of the pile as he giggles. Because Louis is _so funny_ and Harry cannot stop snorting at literally everything he does, words slurring as they talk about anything and everything that pops into their heads.

“Harry!” vaguely aware that that’s his name being called, Harry squints out onto the dancefloor for a brief moment before deciding he must be hearing things and turning back to Louis, who’s midway through recounting his last encounter with Simon.

“Harry!” _there it is again._ “Louis!” _huh._

“Nick!” Louis screeches and _ohh_.

Nick appears from stage left, boyfriend Mesh in tow, wicked grin slowly starting to bring some clarity into Harry’s fuzzy brain. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t twenty-elevens hottest couple” he cackles, giving Louis an awkward one-arm hug across the table and petting the back of Harry’s head.

“I resent that” Louis says forcefully. “We definitely won years twenty-eleven through fifteen. No question”

“Twenty-twenty now too?” Nick winks. Harry shrugs and resigns himself to glancing back and forth between the pair as they banter, thoughts far too foggy to even contemplate keeping up with whatever ridiculous story they’re talking about.

It’s the quiet break in attention that makes Harry realise just how sleepy he is, no concept of what time it currently is he notes it’s probably long-gone three-am at this point and there’s definitely no chance he’ll be making yoga in the morning… or in the afternoon for that matter. Needing a bit of relief from the weight dragging down his eyelids, Harry surrenders to closing them for just a moment just to the count of twenty and then he’ll bid his farewells and head home to his nice air-conditioned bedroom…

As always, this was the wrong move.

The next he knows; Louis is sat tightly against his side and is lightly slapping his face to wake him up.

“Hazza” he slurs, slapping slightly harder than he had been. “Need to wake up, g’na go home now”

“Mmf” Harry groans, head spinning even more than it had been seconds ago.

“C’mon you oaf you’ve been out cold for the last ten minutes” _Ten minutes, oops._ “V’got a car outside for us”

“M’sorry” he manages, taking Louis hand to help him out of the booth. “Need a sec”

They pause near the exit, Harry forcing himself to waken up slightly on the off chance there are photographers lurking; clubs like these are always safe from the vultures, unwilling to risk their hard-earned reputation by allowing pictures to be leaked every other weekend. But the pavement outside was definitely still fair game.

With a hand through his hair and shirt smoothed out, Harry gives Louis the nod to head outside hoping that Louis had thought to call ahead and get a reputable car service, the last thing they needed was a cabbie leaking their drunken conversations.

Louis wordlessly gestures vaguely to a line of identical black cars and casts a quick look around before slipping an arm into Harry’s own and herding him along the queue to presumably the correct car. Harry delicately ducks into the vehicle and opts not to relax into the seats lest he fall back to sleep, instead he props his elbows atop his knees and rests his head there. Although this only lasts a minute or two before he decides he could probably fall asleep in this position too, best to just not rest his head at all.

Turning to Louis, his only form of entertainment, he finds Louis scrolling through Instagram at a speed that clearly shows he’s not really taking in any of the information. Doing the only thing he can think of doing to get some attention, Harry paws his phone onto the floor and lunges to pick it up before Louis can comprehend what’s happened.

Locking it and sliding into his pocket, Harry grins cheekily. “Now you have to pay me attention!” he sings, the driver coughing to muffle something that sounded suspiciously like a laugh.

“Oh really? What if I just wanna have a bit of a doze like you eh?” Louis sassed, accent thickening due to the alcohol. “Can’t believe you just sparked out in the club, Nick is gonna give you such shit” he taunts amusedly, Harry groaning at the now vague memory of Nick being there beside him before he drifted off.

“Swear I haven’t fallen asleep in a club since my 20th and well, you were there, you remember how horrific that was”

“More entertaining looking back” Louis recalls. “Although wasn’t at the time” he says with a sharp poke to Harry’s stomach.

“Yeah well” Harry just pouts in return, mind too fuzzy to bother with a come back.

“Fucking regret that last jug now we have to trek home” Louis sighs, head lolling around the back of the seat.

“Just stay at mine” he offers with a shrug. “Going there first and it’s closer”

“Are you sure? I don’t want it to be weird”

Harry can’t help but let out a deep laugh. “I’ve spent all night getting pissed with you, we stayed together in Antigua and LA I think I can survive one night of you in my house” he huffs a little, unsure of whether to be annoyed or thankful for Louis’ strange hesitancy.

Whether it be Harry’s top class persuasion techniques or his own laziness, Louis yields and accepts Harry’s offer to stay. They pay the driver the fare in full and both tip him generously, anyway, giving whatever notes they had in their pockets as apology for both the shortened journey and their no doubt drunken rambling he had to endure en-route.

It takes Harry a second to open the gate, with the code changing weekly it can often be a slight chore to remember the exact four-digits required – never mind when he’s intoxicated. He then spends another few minutes explaining his plans for the garden, showing off his tomato plants that he’d already been able to harvest from _four times_ this summer. Louis hums and nods but draws the line at Harry offering to show him the pond at the back of the garden, on the off chance they see the frog Gemma swore she saw that one day. That’s apparently a bit too far.

Alas Louis takes over from there, plucking the keys from Harry’s grasp and wrapping an arm around his waist to steer them both towards the back door. It takes two wrong attempts before he gets the correct key, Harry finds it far too funny to bother helping and settles for giggling into Louis’ shoulder, noting he’s definitely getting a little drool on his shirt but knowing he won’t mind.

This is their undoing.

Harry starts leaning a little too heavily on Louis who in his own drunken stupor starts leaning a little too heavily on a wall that isn’t there. They both omit a slight squeal as they fall and Louis, rightly so, seems unable to stop himself from groaning as Harry’s full body weight collapses atop him.

It’s a testament to both of their states that neither immediately move, Harry merely wheezes out a laugh before he tries to wriggle his other arm free so he can get up. Louis is notably not laughing, eyes watching Harry warmly.

“Oopsy daisy” Harry breathes, neck prickling under Louis’ gaze.

“Hi-de-hi” Louis smiles in return.

The reference doesn’t resonate with Harry immediately, not sure he’s capable of anything but a dopey grin. There’s a hand on his hip and another lingering gently around right shoulder when it finally registers.

He scoffs in a bemused sort of fashion, arms starting to slightly twitch at the way he was holding himself over Louis, thinking vaguely he should probably just get off him all together.

“Harry” Louis whispers, eyes still boring into him. “Look at me” he asks. It’s reluctant but Harry’s eyes do eventually catch with Louis’ own.

From then it’s slow, the way Harry lowers his head and Louis slightly lifts his own, the way both of their eyes flutter open and closed a few times, the way Louis’ tightened his hands onto Harry.

When their lips meet there is no feelings of immediate dread or fear, there’s no loud voice screaming at Harry to stop like there is in books and movies because there simply isn’t the room in his thoughts for anything but Louis.

Louis. Who still kisses so firmly, like he’s trying to imprint himself on Harry’s lips forever. Breath still fruity and sweet from the cocktails, the slightest hint of cigarette smoke lingering. It’s like coming home after a year out on the road, rather abnormal yet achingly familiar .

Chaste turns breathless as Harry can’t help but lightly flirt his tongue along Louis’ lips, so lightly Louis falters slightly before allowing his own tongue to dance with Harry’s.

There’s no past, present or future, just the here, the now and each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm past the point of making up excuses at this point lmao; work, life, other. I'm sorry for the delay (again)!!!! x


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like dialogue hehe...

_27 th August 2020 – Atrani, Italy _

“Mr Styles! So good to see you here, it has been long time no? Busy with The Direction!” Franco smiles from the front step. “You leave us little time to prepare but Maria has your room made up, very discreet as usual Mr Styles” the man turns serious as he hands Harry the keys to the house, along with a couple bags of food he had collected.

“Grazie, Franco. Give my thanks to Maria please, I promise next time won’t be so rushed” Harry says with a forced smile, already edging towards the front door as Franco politely backs away.

“No no, Mr Styles, always a pleasure. Addio!” Franco leaves with a curt wave, clearly sensing Harry’s nervous disposition and eagerness to get into the shelter of the house.

Once safely behind the closed-door Harry removes the sunglasses and cap that had been glued to his head since leaving for Heathrow this morning, the enormous hallway mirror doing nothing to help his weary face. Dropping the bag to the floor, Harry rolls out his shoulders and goes about disabling the security system, depositing the keys into the cabinet drawer. After hours of travelling and keeping himself hunched over in order to draw as little attention in the airports, it was nice to be in the confines of his own home once more.

Italy, the Amalfi Coast in particular, had always been a place of reprieve for Harry, the laid-back atmosphere and truly beautiful scenery had inspired so many snippets of songs and poems in the three years he had been frequenting the location. Buying a house here was the natural progression of things after spending so long renting apartments and booking the occasional dodgy hotel, with Franco and his wife Maria hired upon recommendation from a few friends who also had houses in the area. With a caretaker and cleaner local, it ensured there was always somebody to check in on the place when it went unoccupied for weeks on end and also hand over the keys, which was a huge benefit considering Harry often flew in from various different countries.

This morning when he had awoken in a _slight_ state of despair, this was the location his mind had immediately jumped to when searching for an asylum. Within the hour, he’d hurriedly packed a bag, booked a flight, called Franco to do the usual tasks before his arrival and was in the car on the way to Heathrow. In his wake there was only a very brief note left at home whilst texts went out to his Mum, Fleur and Dr Anderson with his phone being turned off pretty much immediately after.

And well, the note, Louis was- _Nope!_ Harry thought, willing himself to at least unpack his bag and get a bit of food together before he started to open that can of worms.

Unfortunately, neither of these tasks consumed as much time as he was hoping. The bag he’d brought along was really just a vessel for underwear and gym-wear. The fact he already had clothes in a wardrobe here combined with him not actually planning to leave the house meant fashion wasn’t high on the priority list. Franco had also picked up a few grocery essentials like bread and milk, along with the components for a few meals he knew Harry may want to cook.

Deciding a shower was most definitely in need, Harry forces himself to the bathroom next, feeling slight remorse for his seatmate on the flight over who had to endure the overpowering amount of body spray Harry had slathered on this morning to counteract the stale alcohol and general musk. Thankfully the Italian man didn’t seem to have a clue that it was Harry he’d been sat next to for the better part of the morning, meaning the chances of any articles regarding _Styles’_ _Stench_ were unlikely.

Not bothering to properly dry off, Harry wraps a towel around his waist and makes a beeline for the bed, collapsing down onto the side closest to the window and staring blankly out across the Tyrrhenian Sea. The weight of the last twelve hours eventually starts to settle heavily, after an extended period of delaying and distracting there is nowhere left for Harry to run.

They’d kissed, he and Louis had kissed. More than that, they had stumbled to bed together, giggling and whispering to each other as if the consequence of their actions wouldn’t be waiting to smack them in the face hours later. Which, smack Harry in the face they did.

The clock had barely struck seven when he’d awoken this morning, a mere four hours after originally getting to bed and most definitely still slightly tipsy, headache already encroaching on the shambolic day. It had taken him a moment to twitch to life before realising he wasn’t alone in his bed, that Louis was still there dressed in last night’s clothes with his face smushed so deeply into Harry’s pillow he could barely make out his soft expression. The first thought had obviously been ‘ _oh_ _shit’_ , the second had been ‘ _at least we’re both fully clothed’_ and Harry’s third thought had definitely been ‘ _I need to get the fuck away from here’_.

Getting out of the bed and packing a bag whilst Louis slept wasn’t the task one might think, while he struggled to get to sleep, once there the man could sleep like a log; especially where alcohol was involved. Therefore, Harry knew he could afford to slip into the adjoining wardrobe and quickly throw some things in a bag before making a break for the safe in the study to collect his passport. From there, booking the flight and calling a car to drive him to Heathrow had been painless, as had been throwing on some clean clothes and an unsavoury amount of body spray.

He’d almost broken when penning the ‘note’, a cowardly ‘ _Sorry_ _\- H’_ left directly outside the bedroom door to ensure Louis wouldn’t miss it. And then again at the texts he had sent out, variations of _‘I needed to leave for a while, I’m sorry. I’ll probably be uncontactable for a few days’;_ it was again more cowardly than he would like to admit.

The vaguely familiar ringing of the landline phone forced Harry to stop snivelling enough to peer across at where it rests on his dresser, too white and too plastic to fit in with the rustic décor but a necessary fixture when you were lax with your mobile like Harry. There were a handful of people who knew the number, precisely five, two of them were Franco and Maria, Anne and Gemma also had the number, and the last person was Mitch (although Harry didn’t count on him actually saving the number to his contacts in all honesty). It was basically a fifty-fifty draw; it would either be his family or Franco perhaps wanting to ask a question or inform Harry of something.

The ringing stopped before he could make a decision and he held his breath, Franco never dialled twice so if- Of course the obnoxious melody started again, answering the question for him. Before he could overthink or worry anybody any further, he strode forward and snatched the phone from its holder, wincing before greeting whoever was calling.

“Hello?” the fact he’d been crying was extremely obvious, which only served to make him wince again.

“Harry?” Anne asks. “Oh baby” she whispers tenderly.

“Mum” he croaks. “I’ve messed it up Mum” unable to stop the sniffling, he unwraps the towel from around his waist to wipe at his damp face.

“No matter what you’ve done it’ll be alright darling” she advises. “You should have come home to me love; Mummy would make it better”

He sniffs again, lip quivering at the familiar phrase. “Didn’t want people to follow” he explains smally.

Anne hums quietly. “Do you want to talk, or do you want me to?”

Harry keens at the question. “I don’t know”

“Why don’t I talk for a minute, yeah?” tone switching slightly to something a bit more serious.

“Ok” he sniffs, shuffling back towards the bed and burrowing into the thin duvet.

“I was out walking when I got your text and I thought oh, bit strange but thought it was maybe something to do with the band” Anne starts, the sound of the kettle boiling and cupboards being opened helping Harry to picture the scene so clearly. “Then I go on Twitter and see a picture of you and Louis leaving a club together last night”

His breath hitches ever so slightly, too consumed with his own feelings to even remember about the fans and the press and every other person who thought they had a right to his private life. Anne doesn’t pause for long before she continues.

“So, I put two and two together and figure something happened and now you’ve run off a bit worried and a bit scared” she says, not unkind but not coddling either.

“I need some tim-“

“ _Then_ I get a call from Louis” she continues. “Sounded a bit like you actually, sounded like he’d been crying and was worried to death about if you were alright. He made some quite big promises to me actually, not my place to share what they were but just thought you should know that I think you need to talk to him about last night or whatever else is going on”

Harry screws his face up tightly; not entirely sure he wants to continue listening but knowing he couldn’t live with only half the story. “Did he tell you what happened?” he asks hoarsely.

“No baby” she says, voice softening once more. “Why don’t you do that?”

He takes a steadying breath, reminding himself that this is his Mum who always gives amazing advice and has helped him in all his bizarre situations over the years.

“I went to a birthday party and he was there too, and we got drunk” he rushes, getting the groundwork out before he got to the meat of the story. “It- It was fun and just nice I suppose, and we were maybe like, flirting at times but I dunno I didn’t feel weird about it or anything at the time”

“Well, that’s not too bad darling” Anne encourages, Harry barely holding back a scoff in an effort not to get a clip around the ear next time they meet in person.

“Then when we left, I offered for him to stay at mine because it was closer, and we were both tired” there’s an unmistakeable ‘ _oh’_ from Anne and at that he does bark a humourless laugh. “We were just, I just-”

“You had sex” Anne concludes bluntly.

“Mum!” he shrieks. “No, we, well I- we kissed and then we talked and slept next to each other… fully clothed”

“Alright” she hums. “And when you woke up, you decided you’d had such a horrific night that you immediately needed to leave Louis in your house and flee the country”

“Well- No but-“

“You have so many feelings and such a big heart that hasn’t always been looked after” Anne starts. “And it’s hard when you’ve been heartbroken to let yourself be open like that again, isn’t it?”

“Yes” he agrees quietly.

Silence befalls them for a few moments, Harry not entirely sure if he can actually speak right now, “When are you going to go back? You can’t hide out there forever darling, you have the single coming out soon, the other boys need you”

“I’ll call Fleur” he says as a roundabout way of answering, knowing the other four are more than capable of doing a few promo bits without him over the next day or so; Fleur would surely understand.

“Please do, I’ll speak to Gem and explain everything. I’ll try and get her to hold off on pestering you for at least the next day or two, but you know what she’s like. You had us all in a right tiz this morning H, but I do understand… and if you want me to come out there or need me to do anything for you, just let me know ok?”

“Thanks Mum” he croaks. “Love you”

“Love you too, H. Bye darling”

It’s following another half an hour of sniffing and battling all sorts of emotions that Harry builds up the courage to call Fleur and explain he’s going to need a few days away from things. He doesn’t go into specifics and she doesn’t even bother to ask, just passing on well wishes and politely asking for him to share his location so the team could monitor security. Assurances that the boys would cope without him and they’d figure out a nice spin on things to tell the fans did help to quell some of his guilt on the matter, which was wiped quickly away when Fleur mentions that she hasn’t been able to get a hold of Louis today.

With both the work and family off his back for the foreseeable, Harry moves out of the ‘catatonic’ moping stage and enters into ‘this is just my life now’. Starting with finally getting dressed and throwing his towel into the laundry basket, only bothering to dress in an old t-shirt and shorts he figures there’s no point in any other layers in this heat. It takes a little more time to find the will to move down to the kitchen and make some food, especially as appetite wasn’t exactly in abundance; confirmed ten minutes and three bites of a sandwich later.

The sun is starting to dip when Harry ventures out into the balcony-garden, hoping a bit of fresh air and the hustle and bustle of the streets below will bring a different perspective to his muddied thoughts. In reality, the distant rush of the ocean and the chatter of Italian natives down below only serve to frustrate Harry more, not being able to get a clear thought path together is actually more annoying than the thoughts themselves.

Resigned back in doors, he decides the bedroom is the least offensive place he can be. The living room has too many happy pictures adorning the walls, the kitchen is painted _too_ yellow and it would be slightly strange to sit in the bathroom or the spare bedroom. Thus, Harry crawls under his duvet once more and stares vacantly up at the ceiling.

Eventually the sun does set, afternoon bleeds into evening and the only moving Harry has done all day is alternating between laying on his left, right or back as his mind rolls around the question of _why._

Productive isn’t a word he’d use to describe the day.

There has only been a handful of actions that Harry truly regrets in life, they start when he was eleven and told Gemma he hated her and end with the conclusion of last night. It’s an odd feeling to sit with, the regret of kissing Louis, something he’s never had to face in any of their previous… encounters. There was the regret that came with cheating, sure, but the actual kissing was never something Harry could deny he wanted, even as years passed by it was something that he continued to be headstrong about.

The landline phone starts to ring again around seven, the repetitive noise obnoxiously rattling around the house is somewhat dulled from where it is buried under the bedsheet. There is a brief second where Harry contemplates not answering but Harry figuring it’s his Mum or even Gemma wanting to check in again, he resigns that he probably should.

“Hello?” he answers, immediately coughing quietly to rid his throat of the hoarseness.

“Harry? Harry, it’s Sally Anderson, your Mum said you wanted me to give you a call?” Dr Anderson’s soothing voice stuns him slightly. “That _is_ you Harry?” she laughs softly.

“Yes, yeah sorry I’m here” he stutters, shuffling to sit up in the bed, casual demeanour feeling slightly wrong now that he was speaking to the woman.

“I take it your Mum may have told a little white lie?” Sally concludes. “Sounds like she had a bit of a reason to be worried though, so we’ll let her off hmm?”

“Sorry” Harry responds. Marginally confused that his Mum found it necessary to call Sally when he’d specifically stressed him passing her number along was strictly for use in an emergency situation only, not entirely sure _this_ classifies as an emergency as such.

“You don’t have to be sorry to me Harry, do you want to chat for a bit, or would you like me to go? I won’t be offended if you’d just like me to go”

Harry can’t help but scrunch up his face, worrying his bottom between his teeth. “Me and Louis kissed last night” he whispers, almost ashamed to admit it after spending so long trying to work through this particular issue with her.

“Ok, ok” she soothes. “Why don’t you tell me what happened? Only if you want to of course”

He nods, quickly launching into the abridged version of last night’s events. “Then- then- then” he stutters, taking another steadying breath. “We stopped kissing and it was fine, I felt completely fine, happy even” Sally hums and Harry briefly wonders if she’s taking notes.

“Then what happened? Did you go any further than that” Harry would have usually blushed at the question but instead he just about musters a sigh.

“Um… No?” he recalls.

_Harry waits until his arms are literally burning from the strain of hovering over Louis before he pulls away from the kiss, mouth slick and tingling ever so slightly. Louis’ eyes are already open and waiting when Harry finally manages to open his own, deep blue so clearly full of nerves._

_“Uh-oh” he whispers as Harry rises up to his knees, eventually rolling off Louis altogether and occupying the floor beside him._

_“So, that happened” Harry whispers in response, hand slowly inching to nudge at Louis’._

_“Yep” Louis hums, finger hooking around Harry’s pinky. “Sorry”_

_“It was mutual” he insists._

_“Do you want me to leave?” Louis asks carefully, head tilting towards Harry slightly._

_Harry takes a second to contemplate, knowing he should say yes, bid Louis a farewell and retire to bed to wake up to this mess alone tomorrow. “We could cuddle” he says instead, turning his own head to face Louis._

_“Cuddle?” Louis asks with a quirk of the lips._

_“Fully clothed cuddling” he retorts with an eyeroll. A snog was one thing, going further was just not on the cards._

_“I was just kidding” the older man assures. “C’mon let’s go to bed for some fully clothed cuddling”_

_“That sounds nice” Harry nods and smiles, groaning as Louis pulls him from the floor. He continues to whine until they reach his bedroom, the unmade bed and ever so slight floordrobe would make him embarrassed if it were anybody else but considering Louis didn’t believe in making the bed or hanging up clothes then he figured he was allowed to own it this once._

_The pair of them settle into the bed, defaulting to their preferred side of the bed with no need for conversation._

_“Had fun tonight” Louis admits quietly, getting comfy as Harry reaches back to flick off the lights._

_“I’m glad you were there” Harry confesses. “Otherwise, I’d have had to cuddle_ Tristan”

_Louis scoffs. “This bed isn’t big enough for his ego darling. Besides I have it on good authority he’s a dribbler too so between the pair of you you’d surely drown” he cackles and shimmies closer to Harry, one hand coming to knead softly at his scalp whilst the other rests gently on his arm._

_“S’nice” Harry sighs contently and slides a leg backward to nudge against Louis’. This position was their own brand of spooning back in the day, bodies close but not fully touching as Louis always found it hard to go to sleep pressed into Harry’s ‘massive fucking back’. “N’I don’t drool” he insists in vain, the corner of his mouth already a little damp._

_Louis just giggles quietly, hand stilling in Harry’s hair as he knowingly reaches over to poke at the wet spot. “Liar” he scolds._

_Harry whines and lifts his hand back up into his hair, aware he’s a man in his late twenties pouting like a small child but not all that bothered by it. This should be weird he thinks as Louis hand resumes its movements on his head, alternating between rubbing at his scalp and gently twisting the strands. “I’m sorry” Louis whispers as Harry is just about on the verge of sleep._

_“I’m not sorry we kissed” Louis clarifies, hand stilling in his hair and moving to occupy the pillow space just above. “I’m sorry that I think you’re going to regret it, I’m sorry for messing things up for you”_

_The words confuse Harry, but he doesn’t bother dwelling, letting his breaths even out and the pull of sleep takeover._

“I messed everything up” Harry sighs down the receiver, Dr Anderson’s quiet breathing the only indication she’s still there.

“Harry love, I don’t understand” she replies tentatively.

“Neither do I” he laughs sarcastically, tone probably a little more biting than he’d usually use during their sessions, but he figures she’ll understand.

“Ok, let’s go through things bit by bit” she tries to rationalise. “Where do you think you messed up?”

“The kissing” he says decisively.

“And” she nudges.

“We were friends, and I was doing good and now- now I don’t know” he rushes. “I’m so confused”

“That’s normal I reckon” Sally agrees. “I’m interested to know why you think this will hinder your healthy relationship with Louis though”

“We kissed!” he says exasperatedly, not sure why she can’t seem to see his point of view for once.

“You did” she concurs. “You also wanted to do so, as did he”

“Yeah but-“

“I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself, about this situation Harry” Dr Anderson says seriously. “You say you messed up and that you’re not digging into the root of this, you’re not being honest about what you want from this”

“And what’s that?” he bites.

“I can’t tell you, it’s up to you to open that door yourself and if you want to share with me then that’s completely up to you” she explains, unbothered by his terse tone.

The front doorbell goes whilst Harry is busy trying to remember how to form words to answer the Doctor’s question, quite literally saved by the bell. Figuring Franco was fulfilling his earlier promise of dropping by with some more bottled water, Harry resolves he shouldn’t really ignore the man.

“Um, just a moment please. The doorbell” he squeaks down the receiver, gently placing the phone on the bedside table and scurrying towards the door, legs feeling only marginally unsteady.

In hindsight, not checking the security camera wasn’t a smart move. It was something that had been drilled into Harry at that very first security briefing before the _Up All Night_ tour started and again after the whole stalker incident; if there was a camera then check it, if there was someone else around then let them open the door. Since he was fairly petrified of dying prematurely at the hands of a crazed follower, Harry always took the safety of himself and those around him seriously – especially in his home.

That was the eventuality that security briefings prepped him for, not an unwelcome bandmate stroke ex-lover stroke person who he abandoned last night.

“Harry” Louis sighed in apparent relief. Harry himself too dumbstruck at the how and the why to do anything other than gape. “We need to talk” he adds, determination wavering only slightly.

There’ a brief moment where Harry just considers slamming the door and going out the back to make a break to somewhere, _anywhere_ else. Then sense kicks in, a group of people start drawing closer to the front door and he _may_ panic slightly and grab Louis by the front of his hoodie, effectively dragging him into the house.

“What the fuck Haz” Louis splutters as he rights himself, stepping away from a rather manic Harry to adjust his jumper and ditch the cap he was wearing too.

“Um” Harry falters, suddenly remembering he’d left Dr Anderson on the phone in his bedroom. “One sec” he hurried, scuttling back upstairs to the bedroom and slamming the door abruptly.

“He’s here!” he screeches down the receiver. “Louis has just shown up at my bloody house in Italy. What do I do?” he rushes out in a panic, hoping Sally is still there and he’s not just talking to himself.

“Well, what does he want?” she asks immediately.

“I don’t know, I’ve just left him in the hallway to come and talk to you. I don’t know what to do! I didn’t think I’d have to face him for a few days yet” he groans and paces back and forth beside the bed.

“Although I appreciate you not just leaving me on the phone all night” she says, a smile evident in her tone. “I think you need to go and speak to him. It’s time to stop running”

“But I don’t- I’m scared” he admits quietly, pausing his pacing around to flop unceremoniously onto the bed.

“I’d be more worried if you weren’t scared love, and I know you’ve probably got a lot floating around in your head right now. But this will be good for you, be honest with yourself but Louis too ok? And if you need to give me a call at any time tonight, I promise you I’ll answer ok? I’ll keep the phone with me just in case”

“You don’t have to” he insists, thankful that he had found a confidant that truly cared about him and his well-being.

“I want to” Dr Anderson promised. “Everything is going to be ok Harry, I promise you. Be brave and be true ok? Speak soon”

“Thank you so much, bye”

With the line now dead, Harry takes an extra moment to compose himself, placing the phone back into the holder and throwing on a jumper to counteract the slight chill in the air.

The hallway is empty when Harry eventually decides to face up to things and if it weren’t for the tattered pair of Adidas trainers by the door, he’d have thought Louis had left already. Instead, he finds him perched on the sofa, looking unbelievably uncomfortable as he stares at the rattan coffee table, only glancing Harry’s way when he himself flops onto the sofa.

“I’m so sorry” Louis croaks, face pale and hands placed firmly atop his knees. Harry just frowns, that was a somewhat unexpected first sentence.

“I should- I’ve been-“ Louis sighs and stands abruptly. “I think I need to walk about to say this, sitting is making me feel like I’m gonna explode” he explains.

Harry shrugs in a _whatever_ sort of way and tries to stop himself from having some sort of emotional outburst.

“I’ve been seeing someone” Louis starts quietly, already on his second lap of the small room.

_Seeing someone._ Any notion Harry had about Louis changing and becoming a better person instantly went out of the window, as did any reservations about holding back his tears. “You fucking wanker” he choked.

Louis paused and turned to frown at Harry, seeming to have an internal realisation before he rushed over to crouch in front of him. “God Haz, not like that. I’m single, not dating anybody. Jesus, no sorry”

“Oh” Harry says confusedly, face scrunching as he jumps around emotions, from embarrassed to confused to angry to anxious.

“I’ve been seeing a _therapist”_ Louis clarifies with a gentle smile, tentatively patting Harry’s arm before he resumes his laps of the room. “I started seeing him the week before the reunion concert. I felt like, I wanted this to work so much, the band and us that I couldn’t leave it up to me y’know? I needed someone who actually had a clue about things to help me with it all, so I didn’t fuck up.

“I feel like, like he’s really helped me see things a bit clearer with sexuality and stuff. Gave me a lot of encouragement to speak to my family about everything which honestly, I just could never have seen myself doing but it’s like a weight has been lifted lately – I can’t really explain it… And, well a massive part of that is me coming clean to Eleanor”

Harry’s eyes widen. “What?” he says shakily, Louis responding in nervous laughter.

“To move on with my life, I felt like I needed to be honest with her about some things. I met up with her a few days ago, there was some bits of hers that I’d brought back from the house in LA, so she came to pick them up and it was just a bit like, now or never innit? I- She isn’t a bad person you know. I know you never liked her and even the other lads never properly warmed to her… probably because of the position it put you in but yeah anyway, she’s actually a pretty understanding person once you get passed a few layers.

“A lot of it was just confirming things she already knew if I’m honest, she wasn’t really shocked or angry just a bit… relieved in a way that I was finally honest. Which was a bizarre turn of events I’ll be honest” Louis laughs quietly. “We had this really nice dinner together and just had a really honest conversation with each other which hasn’t happened for years really, and at the end of the night I just felt so fucking good and free for everything to be out there for the first time. Right before she left, she asked me what I was going to do about you, whether I was going to go for it”

Harry keened slightly, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“I know” Louis said in a similarly shaky manner. “It was like this massive fucking question and life decision and like, it completely freaked me out if I’m honest”

“Do you want a drink” Harry interjects abruptly, gesturing for Louis to go through into the kitchen so he can grab them both a bottle of beer.

There’s a thick layer of silence as Louis accepts the bottle, thumb instantly starting to chip away at the paper label around the head.

“I guess, I just- When I seen you at Uma’s birthday last night, I had all this stuff in my head and we had such a good time and well, yeah you know how the night ended”

“How did you know I was here?” Harry asks, grabbing himself another beer and depositing the empty into the recycling bin.

“I-well, I phoned Niall in a bit of a state when I woke up and realised, you’d took off” Harry winces but Louis doesn’t seem perturbed. “Then I called your Mum who then called Gemma who Niall phoned and then she called me and basically told me to fuck off. But then Niall heard from his security team that Fleur had emailed them with your address, so we basically conned them into giving us the address?” it’s Louis’ turn to grimace this time. “I’m really sorry but this couldn’t wait”

“You made half a dozen phone calls and followed me half-way across Europe to say sorry for kissing me?” Harry asks in an amused daze.

“No I didn’t” Louis retorts with a shake of the head.

“Well what-“

“I made half a dozen phone calls and followed you half-way across Europe to ask you out on a date”

There are a few moments in life where you get a piece of life-changing news, where time seems to halt, and the world stills for a second. And for Harry, there had been three moments like this.

The first was when his parents announced they were going to separate, when the realisation of two homes and two _everything_ really set in and he knew nothing would ever be the same again. The second was after being told that they were still receiving a recording contract despite only placing third in the X-Factor, sat in Simon Cowell’s office with four other scared teenagers and what felt like dozens of old men in suits, Harry knew that his life had once again changed. The third moment was right here, now. Stood in his oddly shaped Italian kitchen with a boy who had held at least a small piece of his heart for the entirety of his adult life.

“You- You’re asking me on a date?”

Louis nods and takes a small hesitant step towards Harry. “I’d really like if you went on a date with me, yeah”

“Why” he blurts, suddenly realising how absurd this entire situation was and bursting out into what could only be described as hysterical.

“I- Sorry, you want actual reasons on why I want to go on a date with you?” Louis briefly joins in with the laughter before seeming to become actually a little worried.

Harry falters but rights himself almost immediately, putting on a stern expression. “Well, you must have reasons”

“Obviously I have reasons… Do you make every potential date do this or is it just me?”

“Just you”

“Um… ok” Louis nods unsurely. “I’ll be honest I was expecting a flat yes or no so this is unrehearsed”

Harry shrugs and tries his best to hide how much he’s freaking out internally, Louis didn’t seem to notice so it must have been going better than he imagined.

“So, I guess, I’ve always felt like we had some unfinished business between us and these last few weeks getting to know you again has made me realised how much I need you in my life Harry. We go together you and me and- Sorry that was a completely inadvertent Grease quote, I just… When I think about me and you it makes sense doesn’t it? If I didn’t do this, I’d always regret not asking you and not putting myself out there and-“

“I’m so confused” Harry admits, shamelessly sinking onto the kitchen floor.

“It’s not just about unfinished business either, I don’t want you to think that. I genuinely like you Haz, I want to treat you right this time and spoil you and just lose all the bullshit that we had before. I don’t want it to be a quick kiss on the bus and me sneaking into your hotel room, I want everything in between that too” Louis says, voice turning soft.

Harry bashes his head slightly against the cabinet. “I’m so, so confused”

Louis mirrors his position on the floor, sliding down the opposite cupboard. “I’m sorry, I had this big plan of how this was going to go. I thought me turning up here would be a lot more romantic than it actually is, turns out you’re just literally fucking stunned or something”

Romantic is the only word Harry seems to be able to think of right now, Louis wanted this gesture to be _romantic._

“I fucked up with you Haz, I was stupid and immature, and I regret it every day, I truly do. But I don’t want to regret not trying anymore, I don’t want to live my entire life thinking what if. We’re here, me and you, right now. If you give me chance, I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you, for as long as you’ll let me”

“I don’t really know what to say” Harry says. “I never thought this would happen, I think you’ve broken my brain”

“I know it’s a lot to process and you probably have so many questions but whatever you want to happen, I’ll do it ok? If you want to go on a date with me then I’ll make sure it’s the best fucking date you have ever been on, if you don’t want to go on a date then I’d really like to just be your mate yeah? Or… or if that’s not an option then I’ll leave the band if that’s what you want, I just can-“

“Jesus Christ” Harry gasps in shock. “Leaving the band seems a little extreme”

“Well, I don’t know do I!” Louis huffs in frustration. “We had such a fucking good night last night Haz and in LA and Antigua, it felt so good to be there with you like that and the kiss yesterday just reinforced the fact I can’t live my life not knowing if you want this too. Then I wake up and you’re gone, and reality hit pretty quick after that, I promised your Mum that I’d ask the question and if you said no then I’d do whatever you wanted, if that means leaving the band then that’s the way it has to be. I’m passed the point where I want to make your life hard, I just want one more chance”

It’s a dizzying feeling, having somebody you spent years pining over finally putting themselves right there within touching distance, Louis practically offering himself on a plate. “Would you give yourself another chance? If you were me, after everything that’s happened would you give yourself another chance?”

“Honestly?” Louis frowns. “No, I wouldn’t”

“I used to fantasize about us dating, about what it would be like to have you to myself” Harry mumbles. “What you’d say, what I’d say, where we’d go and what we’d do” his face crumples before he can finish the sentence, the overwhelming events of the day finally becoming too much.

Louis uses his heels to drag himself closer along the floor, scooting into the gap between Harry and the wall. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you love, I regret it every day” he murmurs, gently wrapping an arm around Harry’s shoulders and lightly kneading at the flesh there. “I just wasn’t ready for you; I wasn’t ready for the fact that you were a boy or that we were famous or any of the other shit that came with it”

Giving up any pretences, Harry all but collapsed into Louis’ lap headfirst, soft sniffles buried in the fabric of his jogging bottoms.

“What I’ve learned is that I could never be ready, I might never fully understand my sexuality or this fucking mad life we have but why should that stop me from being happy? Us being happy?”

“You want to go on a date with me” Harry clarifies quietly. “What does that mean?”

“It means that when I was eighteen, I was a coward, I chose an easy life over a happy one. It means that now I choose you Harry, I’m tired of being scared and having regret. I want to at least _try_ to make a go of things, to date and become your boyfriend and just, I dunno, see where it leads” Louis’ voice peters off into a whisper, thumb lightly rubbing at the spot beneath Harry’s ear.

“I need to make a quick phone call” Harry says abruptly, gathering himself up off the floor in quite possibly the least graceful manner and all but sprinting out of the room towards the bedroom.

Dr Anderson’s number was thankfully easy to find on the Italian phone and there was barely a second of remorse before he hit dial, knowing it was well into the late evening back home and he was interrupting her personal time just didn’t sit right with him. Of course, the phone barely rang before she answered.

“Harry, love, is everything ok?” she asks hurriedly.

“He wants to go on a date with me” Harry hisses in response, ogling his frantic face in the mirror on the wall. “Louis has flown to fucking Italy to ask me on a fucking date” well aware he’d just dropped the F-bomb twice in as many seconds Harry mumbles a quick sorry before letting Sally speak.

“Well then” she says quickly. “What is the worst that can happen if you agree to ho on this date?”

“I get my heart broken _again_ , I grow old and alone. The band breaks up forever and the other four hate me for causing it and then eventually I die of a broken heart and Louis lives happily ever after with a Swedish model” he says seriously, having to turn away from the mirror due to the strong desire to take to his hair with a pair of clippers, _did it always look this chaotic?_

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were being sarcastic, but I think at this point I know you well enough to say that you’re completely serious” she intones.

“What do I say!” he almost whines, holding back only for the fact this is a woman, a respected professional, that he pays to help him with such problems.

“What do you want to say?” she deflects.

Harry grouches ever so slightly. “I thought you were meant to have all the answers”

“ _You_ have all the answers, I just help you see them” Sally retorts concisely, making Harry believe this isn’t the first time she’s had to respond in such a way.

“I think I want to say yes” he whispers quietly, phone pressed so tightly to his cheek he just knows there’s going to be an indentation left there. “I’m so scared”

“Scared isn’t a bad thing, fear protects us from danger every day… Ok how about this. There’s this technique where we ask ourselves these four questions in order to determine if we should say yes to a difficult question. Why don’t we go through those?” Sally asks.

“Yes ok” Harry nods surely.

“Ok so the first question is would the outcome of saying yes be good for the world? If the answer is yes, then we can proceed to the next question and so on”

He can’t help but let out a low whistle. “Well, that’s a question in itself. The bloody world?” he bemoans.

“Think of it in this light. You are two of the biggest celebrities on the planet, would it be good for the world if you were to get together and eventually come out; should that be something you want of course?”

Pausing for a moment, Harry bites his lip thoughtfully. “I guess it would yeah, although I’m not ready to come out just yet it would definitely start a global conversation, I can see that much”

“Very well put” she praises before moving on. “Now, question two. Is this going to be good for your community? This is two halves really; I think your primary community is your direct fans whilst the secondary is more the general entertainment industry… although do correct me if you disagree”

“No that sounds right” he affirms, picking up one of the rings that lay on the bedside table and rolling it around his hand. “I think it would be good for my community, both of them that is. Some people aren’t going to like it but that’s part of life and if they don’t like a huge part of me then how can they really be a part of my community?”

“Again, well done Harry. I know these questions are somewhat of a stretch for your situation, I’m not sure why I suddenly thought about them to be honest” Sally laughs quietly, quickly following it up with a whisper to somebody on the other end, a stark reminder Harry is cutting into her evening with his rambles.

“No, it’s helping actually, good to get a full picture and all. What’s question number three?” he stumbles slightly, not wanting to keep the Doctor for too much longer and simultaneously growing concerned at how confused Louis must be in the kitchen.

“Is this going to be good for your family and immediate friends?”

It’s a cause for pause, Harry trying to imagine what his family and closest friends would say if he suddenly started _dating_ the man who literally shattered his heart. Although based on his earlier phone call with Anne, he had a feeling she’d warm to the idea eventually and Louis had pre-warned her that he would ask Harry. Friends though? The other boys would be happy and supportive, perhaps a little uncertain in the beginning but they’d surely see how happy it was making Harry and…

“Oh” he exhales. “I think I’ve just had a revelation”

“That was quite literally the loudest sigh this side of the sun Harry” Dr Anderson jibes fondly. “Why don’t I ask the final question and then you can tell me about your revelation. Question four is, is this going to be good for you?”

“Yes, I think it is y’know” he says bashfully. “I’ve been so scared about getting my heartbroken, I might miss out on being genuinely happy. I can’t go through life like this”

“That is quite a revelation” she notes.

“Those other three questions, they all matter but only if the fourth one is a yes too. Will the world, my community and family all be happy if I am? Well, maybe not the world because I’m not quite that big-headed but if I’m happy then that’s surely the most important thing”

The two of them let the words sit between them for a few seconds, Harry taking a steadying breath as he tries to comprehend what he’s about to do.

“I’m very proud of how far you’ve come Harry, you know a few months ago you could barely think about Louis without nearly bursting into tears. Now you’re about to agree to dating him! How exciting” she enthuses, genuinely sounding so full of pride it makes Harry well up slightly.

“I’ll be sure to send you an invite to the wedding” he jests before realising he just made a joke about his and Louis’ _wedding_ for crying out loud.

“I’ll save you from having to explain that one” Sally chuckles knowingly. “Now not that I’m trying to get rid of you bu-“

“Shit, Louis!” Harry interjects. “God, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt it’s just Louis, I need to-“

“Goodbye Harry, we’ll catch up when you make your way back to London ok?”

“Bye, thank you so, so much” he returns, wasting no time before pressing the end call button and practically launching the phone onto the bed. In a similar fashion, the bedroom door creaks rather loudly as Harry practically throws it open practically sprints back down to the kitchen.

The crippling sense of urgency melts into something more like fear when Harry realises Louis is no longer in the kitchen and a cursory glance into the living room reveals he isn’t there either, shoes gone from beside the front door. The realisation that Louis seems to have left without even bothering to wait for Harry hurts in a way that he can’t really comprehend, was he just an idiot for thinking Louis was actually serious about this?

The patio door rattles open slowly, and a rather confused Louis reappears in the kitchen, presumably rather shaken up by the sight of Harry in floods of tears. “Harry?” he asks, moving a little closer to the man and holding out a shaky hand but going no further to actually touch him. “Are you ok?”

“I thought you left” Harry hiccups and wipes at his bleary eyes, laughing in slight relief.

“Sorry, so sorry. I just wanted a bit of fresh air, quite the view you’ve got here y’know?” Louis remarks, awkwardly rocking around on the balls of his feet.

“Yes” Harry breathes.

“What?”

“I’ll go out with you, on a date. I’ll go on a date with you” he confirms breathlessly, unable to stop laughter from bursting out at Louis’ stunned face. “Lou? Did you hear me?”

“You said yes” he confirms, slowly closing the distance between them in a few short steps. “I thought you’d say no, I really thought I’d blown it with you” Louis whispers, hands coming to rest atop Harry’s shoulders.

Harry snickers slightly, bringing his own hands to cup Louis’ elbows. “Me too”

They take a break from the emotional declarations for a while, both retiring into the living room and collapsing onto the sofa in a heap, arms and legs entwined together. It’s a sort of dream really, no noise besides the two of them breathing, Harry occasionally sniffling from the hours of crying he’d done over the last day.

Eventually Louis asks why Harry kept dashing off to the bedroom, who ends up crediting Dr Anderson as to why any of this is possible whilst also admonishing his Mum over the intervention in the first place, even if it did all work out in the end. Louis in turn talks about his own experience with therapy, opening up that although it wasn’t something he had ever thought about needing, he realised how invaluable it’s now become to his mental wellbeing.

Louis’ stomach rather rudely interrupts the conversation, obnoxious rumbling signalling that they should start thinking about getting some food. There’s some strong deliberation on whether they could risk going out to a restaurant however the fact they are literally plastered across every available newspaper, magazine, television and mobile across the world forces them to realise that probably wouldn’t be the best move right now. Not least because the other boys were due to do promo for the single tomorrow and fans would already be on high alert at the fact neither of them would be in attendance.

The small matter of Louis’ excuse for not attending the interviews was something that Niall had apparently taken care of, neither of them were particularly hopeful that he’d have chosen a non-obvious and sensitive reason as to why. Although they weren’t all that interested in turning their phones back on to discuss with him either. Louis had given Harry a brief insight into how the public was reacting to the two of them leaving the club last night in the same car and it hadn’t really made for compelling motivation to hop on Twitter.

“How will we do it?” Harry whispers, long after the sun has set with an old Carly Simon record spinning away in the corner of the room and half a dozen candles flickering away. They’re sat topping and tailing on the sofa, Louis’ cold toes pressed between Harry’s hip and the back of the sofa cushion whilst Harry has resigned to let his own feet dangle onto the floor beside Louis’ head.

“What do you mean” Louis asks, coinciding sitting up slightly with snagging his glass of wine from the coffee table.

Harry lifts his head from the arm of the chair to get a better look at the man. “How are we going to date? How will this work?”

“Well, I thought I’d take you out for a nice dinner, drive you home and maybe sneak a kiss” Louis retorts cheekily, eyes shining over the rim of his glass. “Or do you do have a new-fangled way of doing things?”

“New-fangled?” Harry giggles spurred on even more as Louis’ toes start wriggling against his hip.

“Sometimes I say things like new-fangled Haz, keep up!” Louis huffs. “I am a bit confused what you mean though” he laughs, placing the glass safely back onto the table.

“Well, we’re like, famous” Harry explains dumbly.

Louis, to his credit lasts a solid five seconds before bursting out in laughter, alternating between panting and squealing in amusement. “Well, uh, we’re like famous” he mimics exaggeratedly.

“Hey!” Harry pouts. “I’m serious!”

“Sorry, sorry” Louis relents, using the sleeve of his jumper to dab at his damp eyes. “You don’t have come out with some stuff though” he adds with a touch of fond.

“It’s a valid question though! Just we’re in the public eye massively, fans literally already track our every move. How are we ever going to keep this away from all that and stop the rumours and stuff?”

Louis doesn’t immediately respond, eyeing Harry with a cautious sort of stare.

“I think we just let it go, let the rumours spin and the fans think what they want. We don’t confirm anything and we’re not going to outright flaunt anything but I’m not sure it’ll be good for either of us if we have waste so much energy forcing ourselves to hide this”

“You’re not scared?” Harry asks with a combination of shock and wonder. “It’s going to be pretty obvious, what about when people start calling you names or we can’t tour in certain countries because we might get arrested or-“

“Harry” Louis says softly, manoeuvring himself so their now face-to-face and pressed even tighter onto the rather small sofa. “If you need some time to think this through properly then that’s alright, I won’t be offended if you just want-“

“No!” Harry interrupts and shakes his head quickly, not wanting Louis to think he was having any sort of second thoughts about saying yes.

“Good” Louis breathes, collapsing down onto Harry’s chest. “Of course, I’m scared, it’s going to be fucking terrifying enough trying to not fuck up with you without the added pressure of speculation and whatever other bullshit. But I want this, I really want this. As long as we’re both happy and have supportive friends and family then every other fucker on the planet can say what they want quite frankly”

Harry rubs a gentle hand along the length of Louis’ back and presses a chaste kiss to the top of his hair, smiling slightly when he gets a strong whiff of vanilla.

There’s obviously more to discuss, the concept that they can simply go from where they were to happily dating doesn’t seem like an easy path to take. Harry needs more time to think about the logistics and the finer details in the light of a fresh day, to say it had been a long twenty-four hours would probably be the understatement of the century.

But there’s time for all that, not every minute detail has to be figured out right at this moment. Instead, Harry enjoys the weight of Louis atop him, presses another kiss onto his temple and closes his eyes.

Tomorrow can wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Comments are always appreciated. Love xo

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed :) x


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